


Fifty Feet in the Air

by Simplyable



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Unus Annus - Fandom, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: 1800s, Angst, Circus, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Historical Accuracy, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:20:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 136,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24006493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simplyable/pseuds/Simplyable
Summary: The year is 1881. Ethan Nestor has always had dreams of joining the circus. Mark Fischbach has been a trapeze acrobat for five years. When the two get paired together as the lead performance, Ethan's life turns upside down as he discovers more about himself than he wanted to know.
Relationships: Ethan Nestor/Original Character(s), Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 345
Kudos: 481





	1. Downright Sinful

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is going to be the first chapter of many to come. I don't have an exact updating schedule, but they should come fairly quickly.

Ethan glanced out the window of the carriage, leaning his forehead against it as he watched the trees roll by, one after the other. The young man could feel the wooden wheels of the carriage that carried him rolling along the gravel, bumping furiously as he went. It was enough to make any man sick to their stomach. Nevertheless, Ethan clutched the handle of the suitcase he held close on his lap, trying to make the time pass by watching the scenery. They had been on the road for five hours now, and he knew that they were almost there, but not quite. It surely didn’t help that he had no one to talk to. After all, there really didn’t seem to be anyone interested in the industry that he was interested in.

“Would you say we’re almost there?” Ethan asked loudly, making sure his voice could be heard from outside the carriage by the coachman. “It’s just that, this is the last day they’ll be here. If I don’t catch them before they leave, I fear I’ll never catch up to them ever. Certainly not with the money I have left.” It was almost a joke of sorts. After all, Ethan barely had anything to his name, apart from a few almost worthless coins that sat forgotten at the bottom of his pocket. They weren’t enough to get him a decent trip back home, that was for sure…he wasn’t even sure he had a home anymore. After all that time on the road, surely someone had moved into the vacant lot…someone who wouldn’t be pleased with the return of the original homeowner. “All I’m asking for is an estimate,” he continued.

“We’ll get there when we get there,” the coachman replied, no eagerness in his tone. Ethan slumped in his seat, wishing he had brought his pocket-watch. “I don’t see why you’re in such a hurry. There’s nothing interesting out here in the countryside…at least, not business-wise. That could be the only thing you’re looking for with that suitcase of yours; not big enough to carry much in it. Work stuff, I assume?” Ethan didn’t answer the question. He knew well enough that what was out in the countryside would be enough to fulfill him…as long as he got there on time. “Alright, don’t bother,” the man continued, mentioning the lack of response. “But all I can think about is why a boy like you is so interested in anything besides the city. The city is where you can reach your limits.” Ethan rolled his eyes, not thinking much of it.

“There’s a business in the countryside that I’m interested in, yes,” Ethan returned, humming softly. It wasn’t the kind of business most men would become infatuated with, that was for sure…but it was interesting; unique, one could even say. And it would be his for the picking…if they could get there on time. “Look, I would hate to put such a burden on you…but you don’t suppose that you could offer me a ride back free of charge if I don’t find what I’m looking for? I wouldn’t want to intrude, believe me, but it’s dawned on me that the carriage ride is really more than I bargained for, and that they couldn’t possibly still be there if we’re taking this long.” He couldn’t be one to complain, since he wasn’t the one driving the carriage…but surely this was hardly worth what he was paying, considering it was taking much longer than he had expected to arrive. “I would pay full for the ride back, believe me…but, you see, I don’t really have enough to pay full. Or half. Or pay at all for that matter, which is why I was hoping you could just do me a favor.”

“I don’t do favors,” the coachman replied dryly, having no interest in the petty conversation. “What I do is give people rides for a fee. If you can’t pay the fee, then you can’t have the ride. That’s how the ordeal works.” The man paused, thinking for a few seconds. “And the more I think about what you say, the more I wonder if you even have enough to pay me for the trip there. Think you can skimp out on someone older than you, huh? Think you can run fast enough to get away without paying a cent?” Ethan’s eyes widened as he listened to the coachman.

“Oh, not at all sir,” Ethan insisted, his voice serious. “I would never do that to anyone, and surely not someone who’s just trying to help and all. I’ve got every cent I need to pay you, I know that well enough…I just don’t have anything apart from that. Just a few coins, nothing more and nothing less. No bills, at least. Maybe I’ve got a penny or two caught in the clothes of my suitcase, but I highly doubt it, sir. And surely I would never expect you to give me a ride back for free, and I know you mentioned how you don’t do favors…but don’t think of this as a favor. You have to get back to where you live eventually, so why not just, I don’t know, bring me with you? Not to your house, I mean, just to the town. And this is all theoretical sir, I’m sure I’ll get the job. I was just hoping you could wait a minute or two, just to make sure everything goes smoothly.”

“I don’t believe I have to do anything of the sorts,” the coachman said firmly, his voice just as serious as before. Ethan swallowed thickly. “And the last thing that crosses my mind when I think of returning home is taking a tramp with me.”

“Oh, I’m not homeless,” Ethan assured the man. “I just haven’t been back there in a long time.”

“I know a tramp when I see one, Mr. Nestor,” the coachman replied, and Ethan slumped down in the cushioned seat. “Carrying around the little they have in a suitcase? Prowling around for jobs so they can get themselves off of the streets? Hell, they don’t even have enough money to afford a proper suit.” Ethan looked down at what he was wearing, frowning before he paid it no attention. “You, Mr. Nestor, are a tramp, and I hope you know that it isn’t quite hard to tell. Hopefully, you can fix that before your little job interview, because if I were the employer…I wouldn’t even bother having a conversation with you. I only picked you up because you told me you were a paying man, and I’d like to believe that even tramps are men of their word. Don’t make me change my mind, Mr. Nestor. I suggest you hold your tongue when it comes to begging for free transportation, for you’ll find nothing of the sorts in any establishment for miles, and certainly not with mine. You’ll have to be creative to get home.”

“Yes, sir,” Ethan murmured, now resting his suitcase beside him. “But the job I’m looking for won’t care about appearance or anything. They only care about raw talent, and I think I’ve got that.” The young man wrinkled his nose as he heard the coachman scoff in return. “It’s the truth, sir. I was born with it, and I ain’t afraid of showin’ it off a little.” Ethan smiled to himself.

“And would that be?” The coachman questioned with interest. “Surely not learning how to stop running your mouth, for you always seem to do that. And surely it can’t be anything of fashion or learning how to hold yourself.”

“Well, I’m quite flexible,” Ethan admitted, humming softly as he tried to find the best way to explain. “Nothing extreme…I can’t quite put my feet behind my head, although I’m sure I could attempt with enough practice. But it’s a talent nevertheless, because the only people I know who can do anything like what I can do are girls.” The young man cringed for a few seconds realizing he had just compared himself to a woman. “But, but only a strong man can do it the way that women can do it,” he insisted quickly. “Flipping backward in mid-air, doing cartwheels, springing backward with my hands…it’s quite exciting really. And I’m good at it, too. Better than most, at least. I didn’t think much of it, although I had practiced, until quite recently. There’s this advertisement that I saw in Philadelphia, on one of the lampposts.”

Ethan hesitantly opened his suitcase, fishing through what little he owned before he came across the wrinkled up flyer. “Um, well, I can’t quite show you what it looks like now,” he admitted, pulling it out and unfolding it carefully. “But it said that all applicants could be surveyed and inspected at the place we’re headed to, and that if they like what you do they might think of hiring you.” For the circus. Ethan didn’t bother mentioning that part. “It’s a traveling business and all, so they’ve got to start training soon after they leave. If I don’t make it in time, I would be eligible to be accepted, since they’ll have already started routines and entertainment examples. But it would just be a dream come true if they allowed me to join them. I could be a star, you know? The center of attention? They would have my name on advertisements for miles, and everyone would gather just to see me perform. It would be like living a dream every day, don’t you think?” The coachman didn’t respond. “And you don’t have to be somebody to be considered. I’m a nobody back at home; that’s why I left, you know? Just couldn’t take it anymore…I would have ended up doing something real sinful if I didn’t get out of there fast, if you know what I mean.”

“I’m afraid I do, Mr. Nestor,” the coachman replied. “God bless you for leaving.”

“Why, thank you, sir,” Ethan replied, folding up the advertisement again before he shoved it back in his suitcase, which he closed up for good. “I heard they pay you something great if you’re good at what you do. Maybe if I’m a moneymaker, they’ll pay me double. I’ll be nothing like a millionaire, of course, but I’ll get pretty damn close if I work hard.” Being a millionaire was nothing short of impossible, unless he was an owner of a company, which he wasn’t. And surely he would never be one, considering he didn’t go to school, not even when he was younger. His parents hadn’t been able to afford it, so he had always helped his mother around the house instead when his father went to work. Sadly, his mother had died the previous year of tuberculosis, which she had gotten from his father, who had died shortly before her. Ethan had been on the run ever since, trusting whoever he met and stumbled across because he knew doing what they said would be better than being kicked to the streets.

“You’ve got yourself a first name, Mr. Nestor?” The coachman asked.

“Ethan,” Ethan replied, smiling to himself. “After my great grandfather. At least, that’s what my mother would always boast about when I was younger. Oh, and how my father would always reply with how I was two inches away from being named after his grandfather.” The young man heard the coachman chuckle softly in return. “I’ve never really told anyone my name before,” he mentioned, thinking about it. Everyone he had stumbled up throughout his time on the road had been only privileged enough to know his last name…but Ethan knew he was tired of running away from everything. “I suppose I’m telling you this so when you see my name in those advertisements, you can remember how I was just some poor sap who couldn’t even afford a ride back from his destination. I’ll be something real big by then, don’t you doubt it for a second. The world will know my name, so I guess there’s no point in trying to hide it anymore. Not that I’m ashamed of it or anything, it’s a great name…I just don’t really trust people enough for them to know. I suppose they can’t do much with a first name, but that’s just the way I’ve always been. For a while now, to tell the truth. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been far too secretive my entire life.”

“Well, I’m proud to be one of the first people to know,” the coachman joked.

Ethan hummed in return, noticing how the gravel underneath the wheels was replaced with a common dirt road. He corrected his posture, realizing that they must have been getting close. “There should be a small building near a train station, which is where you should pull up to,” Ethan advised the coachman, his heart fluttering with both excitement and anxiety. “Hopefully there should still be a sign outside the small building that says something about auditions. If it’s still there, we’ve made it in time. If not, I’ll have to ask someone for some money to take the train to God knows where.” The young man had two options. He could either impress the head of the circus production enough to gain a spot on the train, or he could beg someone for a quarter to take the train wherever it was headed, which was where he could once again attempt to find a job. “You wouldn’t happen to have any perfume of sorts on you, now would you? I know it’s an absurd question, but-”

“Sorry, kid, don’t have any,” the coachman replied. Ethan let out a soft exhale as he felt the carriage coming to a stop. He bit his lip anxiously as he reached for the handle of the carriage door with one hand, reaching for his suitcase with the other. Ethan opened the door, slipping out of the carriage and dragging his suitcase out behind him before he slammed the door shut. He glanced over his left shoulder, watching as the coachman stepped down from where he sat, straightening his jacket before he walked over to Ethan. “I can only hope that you were telling the truth when you said you could afford the fee that came with the transportation, yes?” The coachman questioned. Ethan nodded his head quickly, shoving his hand into the pocket of his jacket.

“Yes, sir, I’ve got it right here,” Ethan replied firmly, pulling out five pennies and extending his hand to the coachman. “That’s all I’ve got sir, I hope that’s enough. I don’t quite remember how much you were asking for; I wasn’t really paying attention much when I was talking to you before he started the trip. Not purposely, of course. I just get distracted quite easily. But surely that’s enough, right? I assumed that it would be enough, considering the small gap between that and a ticket for a seat on a steamboat.” The coachman nodded, accepting the payment and slipping it into a pocket of his own. Ethan looked over the coachman’s shoulder, smiling when he noticed the sign outside of the small building. He had made it in time.

“Well, it’s been quite the pleasure getting to know you, although I don’t really remember your name,” Ethan continued, adjusting his shirt collar awkwardly before he switched the suitcase from his right hand to his left, extending his free hand. The coachman shook it in return, giving a simple nod. “I hope you have a safe trip back, and I hope you remember me long enough to recognize my face in the advertisements. Hell, more than the advertisements. The newspaper. Imagine that. My face in the newspaper? I never would have-“

“Don’t you have somewhere to be, Mr. Nestor?” The coachman chuckled, gesturing his head back toward the small building. Ethan’s eyes lit up before he nodded his head.

“Oh, you’re right,” he stated, giving another small nod of his head. “Well, it was nice meeting you Mr…?”

“Miller.”

“Miller,” Ethan repeated, smiling as he walked past the man. He hummed, holding his suitcase firmly in his hand as he walked across the grassy field toward the building, his heart now pounding heavily in his chest. He was going to make it. He was going to make it big, and he would finally be able to show everyone back at home what he was truly made of. Ethan smiled to himself, listening to the horse whinny from behind him, followed by the soft pounding of its hooves against dirt. No turning back now. Circus or bust.


	2. A Train to Catch

Ethan exhaled heavily as he finally made his way to the door of the small building, which didn’t seem too inviting from the outside. There was nothing more than the sign that mentioned the offering of auditions, as well as a few ripped up advertisements that were on the outside, all for the circus. The man didn’t know if he was supposed to know or wait patiently, but considering the lack of windows, he decided it would be best to make his presence clear. He reached his hand forward, knocking on the chestnut wood door, drawing his hand away quickly as if something would reach out to swat at it. Both his hands clutched his suitcase in front of him as he whistled softly, glancing around and waiting for someone to open the door. At least, _if_ someone was even _there_ to open the door. Surely they wouldn’t have forgotten their audition sign outside, but he couldn’t have been too sure.

After a few more seconds, the young man’s heart began to sink in his chest. Ethan had truly thought that there would be someone there who would open the door for him and invite him in, and show interest in his flexibility or how he was willing to be a part of the show. However, all the young brunette had received was a door in his face and no sign of anyone even inhabiting the building. Nevertheless, he waited. The train hadn’t arrived yet, so surely they must have still been there. After another minute, Ethan peached his hand out again, hoping the person inside, if there was one, wouldn’t mind if he knocked again. This time, he knocked with a little more force, almost as if he was being forced to persuade whoever was inside to open the door. “Um, hello?” He asked hesitantly, wondering if he should say anything at all.

“Who is it?” Someone snapped roughly from inside, causing Ethan to flinch slightly. His eyes widened a bit, his heart skipping a beat, but he settled down when he realized that he still had a chance. “Come on, spit it out. I don’t have all day. I’ve got a train arriving in ten minutes and I’ve got to be sharp. If we miss that train then this whole thing is over, and regardless if it’s your fault or not…I’ll take the liberty of blaming the entire ordeal on you. Have your name in papers or something.” Ethan swallowed thickly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He didn’t think he liked the man inside very much. Nevertheless, he spoke up.

“My name is Ethan Nestor,” Ethan replied. “I saw an advertisement for this traveling circus production up in Philadelphia, and I noticed how you guys were looking for more entertainers. Well, I think that I have what it takes to join the ensemble for the production, even just as a dancer, and I’m more than eager to learn any routines you’d like to teach me.” He paused, realizing that the door was still closed in front of him. “And if I’m not too much of a bother for asking, is it alright if I come inside? Not because its damp out here or anything, it’s quite nice outside, and I do like looking at the building, I appreciate what you’ve done with it. And I’m not saying that you _need_ to see what I look like. Not that I’m ugly or anything, but-” the young man proceeded to ramble on for a few more seconds about things of little importance, his mind being drawn further and further away from the matter at hand. He had never really been good at focusing on a single thing, and he supposed that this interaction would be no different. Nevertheless, he talked about how he liked the building, and how he was excited to see what the train looked like, and how he wondered what the owner _himself_ looked like, but not without mentioning how it didn’t matter to him. All while the man inside listened, not saying a word as he allowed the boy to ramble on. However, after a minute, Ethan was quickly cut short.

“Can you even recall what you were first talking about before you started blabbering on about things that didn’t matter?” The man questioned, cutting Ethan off in the middle of his discussion of how much he had always wanted to ride a train. Ethan thought for. A few. seconds. “Or did you get too caught up in your upcoming anecdote that you must have wanted to share with me so desperately for whatever reason?”

“No, sir, I remember just fine,” Ethan replied simply. “I was asking you if I could come inside to talk with you face to face. I guess I got a little bit caught up with everything _outside_ that I stopped talking about the matter at hand and started talking about trains instead.” Ethan chuckled softly. “I promise you that I can hold a conversation when I put my mind to it, sir. I’m not all childish, honest.” There was a long pause. “Are you still there?” Ethan questioned, although it was a stupid thing to ask. Nevertheless, the man inside chuckled simply, as if he had been told a joke. “I’ll take that as a yes, sir.”

“You can come in,” the man replied simply, which resulted in Ethan’s heart lifting happily in his chest. “But don’t bother making yourself at home. I’ve got to leave for that train, remember? So you’ll have to figure out somewhere to go.” Ethan was about to correct him on how he had intentions of joining them, but he kept his mouth shut as he reached for the handle, slowly opening the door. His eyes lit up as he looked around the small office, amazed to see posters and advertisements for the circus. Colorful arrangements of drawings, which included clowns and acrobats, with dancers who held ribbons and others who held large hoops to jump through. But his eyes fixed on one of the posters in particular. The trapeze. Why, Ethan had always wanted to see a trapeze performance in person. The death-defying act was enough to make anyone’s heart stop. Out of the corner of his eye, Ethan noticed the man, who held a cigar loosely in his hand and was leaning against his desk. Ethan glanced at him, smiling softly.

“Those posters are quite lovely to look at,” Ethan mentioned, gesturing his head to the vibrant assortment of advertisements. “I’ve seen so many like them, but it’s wonderful getting to see them all placed beside each other. I was never really allowed to go to the circus when I was younger. We couldn’t afford it, sure, but my mother and father said it was just a freak show for people who were rich enough to spend money on stupid things.” He smiled to himself, glancing back at the man. “I don’t mind the idea of it, though. It’s like one big dance recital, you know? Like an art gallery.” The man cocked an eyebrow slightly, obviously showing a bit more interest in Ethan than he had before. He corrected his posture, looking Ethan up and down.

“So…what do you do?” The man questioned, resting his cigarette down on an ashtray before he folded his arms. “Most of the people who come to me are like the people that your mother and father describe. Freaks. Too tall, too short, missing an arm or an eye? You…look normal. Perfect, one would say. Good bone structure, average amount of hair…average height. What are you doing with your life looking to join the circus? You look like you could be nothing more than a businessman working in the city, yet you come here?”

“Well, I’m nothing short of an acrobat,” Ethan replied proudly, resting his suitcase down beside him, despite the man advising him not to bother making himself at home. “I’m afraid I’m wearing a suit, but I’ve got more flexible clothing in my suitcase. I can do cartwheels and backflips, and back handsprings and somersaults. I know how to do flips while balancing on a thin beam, although I’m sure I’m not a tightrope walker. I can be lifted in the air by other people, I could support other people who are doing stunts in the air. I can do it all, sir. I can juggle, too. I’m a great juggler. I’m sure I could juggle while doing acrobatics, if you gave me a day or two to figure it out. I’m sure that I’d be just great with a crowd, sir. You know…since you say I’m normal looking and all. Maybe people would be drawn toward someone who looks like them. Just a suggestion, of course. I’m not looking to tell you what to do or anything.” He smiled weakly, glancing back around at the posters. One of them there was even a photograph. A woman with blonde hair. Well, at least, he thought it was blonde. Maybe a light brown or ginger. It was hard to tell since it was only light grey. Ethan supposed he wouldn’t look too shabby on a poster. “If you give me a minute, or many just turn around or something, I could change into something more flexible and I could show you.”

“Oh, I believe you,” the man replied, smiling. Ethan grinned back at him. _Perfect_. Now was his chance.

“Well…am I in then?” Ethan questioned eagerly, beaming brightly at the thought of being in the circus. “I know this is really sudden and everything, and you didn’t even think that anyone would really be showing up to audition, but I’ve always wanted to be part of a circus, you know? And I could be a floor acrobat. It’s perfect. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I’ll lift, I’ll _be lifted_ , I’ll do flips and cartwheels. I’ll make you proud and I’ll make people interested in the show, because that’s what I’d like to think I do best. And you don’t have to pay me much, since we would be on the road and everything and I would have to pay for a house or anything. Oh, that would be great, wouldn’t it? Life on the road? Well, I’m practically already living a life like that, but there would be more adventure to this. More… _glamor_. Not that the circus is glamorous, although I’m sure yours is. Forget I said anything, I’m sure circuses have glamor. You know, animals and acrobatics and death-defying acts that leave people at the edge of their seats. It’s really something. I’m sure not everyone signs up for death-defying acts every day, huh?”

“You would be correct.” Ethan smiled.

“Well, how about it?” He questioned again, almost at the edge of his seat for a response. “I don’t have anywhere else to go, believe me. And I could join you on the train and the rest would be history, sir. I’m quite loyal, too. Not like that has anything to do with. it, loyalty, but I would work as hard as I can. I’ve never really had much of a job before. This would be perfect.” He hummed softly, trying to stand still but he found himself shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he waited for a response. The man sighed, glancing down at his own pocket watch.

“I’m afraid I have all the acrobats I need,” the man admitted, Ethan frowning in return. “Believe me, kid, I’m sure you’re quite flexible…but it would just mess up the act.” Mess up the act? That was why Ethan couldn’t join the circus? The young male swallowed thickly as the man continued. “I’m sure you’re quite talented, really. I wouldn’t doubt it for a second, but you’re just not what I’m looking for. If it were any other day of the week, maybe I would consider it, but I have a train to catch and I don’t feel like thinking on the spot. Now, I hope you have a safe trip back home, and maybe you can catch the traveling circus for a show. It would be nice to see a familiar face in the crowd.” The man put out his cigar for good, humming as he reached for his coat.

“Well, what about a clown?” Ethan suggested. “I can wear face paint and all that. I told you I could juggle, remember? I can do any trick you teach me. I can make people laugh, I’m sure I could ride a unicycle if I put my mind to it. Practice makes perfect, right?” The man said nothing as he reached for his hat. “I could be the guy who tames the animals,” Ethan continued desperately. “Holds the hoops so that they can jump through them, you know? I’m sure I could learn a thing or two about elephants. Or, you know, maybe one of those people who sit outside the circus area and they give people some shitty fortunes. I could do that, make you an extra buck by the end of the day. You know, with a fairytale crystal ball or something that I can look into and pull an answer out of nowhere? That would be fun. I could do that. I would do that.”

“Sorry, kid,” the man sighs, giving Ethan a look of sympathy before shrugging his shoulders. “I’ve got clowns and I’ve got trained professionals with the animals. I’ve got women who work with the. fortunes, too. Really, kid, it’s not like I’m trying to say no to you, honest. I would love to have you with us, you seem really eager, but most of the acts have already been sorted through with the other performers, so we don’t really need help with them anymore. Why don’t you just head home?” He looked down at his pocket watch. Ethan knew well enough they had at least three minutes left. He was good with time and numbers. “Now, honestly Mr. Nestor. The train will be here any minute, and I’ve got to make sure the performers get in the proper cars.”

Ethan looked around the room desperately for something. _Anything_. Finally, he saw it: the original poster that had caught his eye when he entered the room. The one with the trapeze artists. The boy felt a churning feeling in his stomach, especially considering how dangerous it was, but he didn’t care. He turned back to the man, who was reaching for the door. “What about a trapeze artist?” He blurts out, the same amount of desperation visible in his voice to the point where he wouldn’t have even taken himself seriously. Nevertheless, he stood there waiting for an answer, watching how the man glanced back at him curiously. “Do you need a trapeze artist?” Ethan asked hesitantly, reaching for his suitcase and carefully picking it up from the ground.

“You don’t know the first thing about being a trapeze artist, do you?” The man questioned, cocking his head slightly as he looked at Ethan, who stood there sheepishly.

“Well, no,” Ethan admitted, quickly continuing so the man wouldn’t leave, “but you can teach me. You can teach me everything I need to know, and I can be just as good as the other performers. I’m sure the other trapeze artists could help me too, right? Make me become just as good as them? I’ve got the flips down, I’ve got the stunts down. All I’ve gotta do is work on my grip, right?” He gave a half-grin, a hopeful look in his eyes.

“We’ve only got one other trapeze artist,” the man replied. “And the last time we introduced a newcomer to him, he made her life a living hell.”

“I can take it.”

“No,” the man said firmly, shaking his head. “Being a trapeze artist is more than just learning how to do acrobatics in the air. You’ve got to have a strong grip, to be able to hold onto your partner and onto the bar. You barely have enough time to readjust your grip while you’re performing, and if you lose your grip you’ll plummet forty-five feet to the ground, and it would most likely kill you instantly. You use a net for training, yes, but it’s taken away for the performance in order to not distract the audience. As you said, we want someone at the edge of their seat. That’s why we have a _professional_ trapeze artist. Not someone off the streets who’s looking to impress anyone he can. Now seriously, Ethan…go home.” Ethan frowned. He had tried everything, suggested everything he could.

“Please,” was all the young man could manage as he looked at the man hopefully. “Please, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to be in the circus. This is my dream…to be in a traveling circus and never have to worry about anything. To be free. I’ve been running for too long, doing absolutely nothing with my life, but I’ve finally found a purpose for it. This is my purpose. And even if it wasn’t my purpose…” the young man sighed. “I can’t go home. I don’t have enough money. I spent everything I had trying to get here, and the only thing I have in my suitcase is clothes and an advertisement for your circus Nothing of value. Nothing I can trade away for a ride anywhere. Please. I’m willing to work so hard to be a part of this, I promise. Just give me a chance.” The man looked at him sympathetically before sighing.

“You don’t give up easily, do ya kid?”

“No, sir,” Ethan replied softly. “It’s a blessing and a curse.”

The man chuckled, straightening up when he heard the whistle of the train. Ethan looked at him hopefully, his heart beating heavily in his chest. The man was thinking about what he was supposed to do with him, Ethan knew it well enough, so he stood still. After a few seconds, he let out another sigh, glancing down at his pocket watch. “If you mess this all up, you’re out, got it?” He questioned. Ethan perked up slightly, nodding his head quickly.

“Yes, sir. I understand,” Ethan replied eagerly.

“Well, follow me,” the man replied. “I suppose you and I have got a train to catch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter, since this has been really exciting to write so far.


	3. Let's Get This Show on the Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad that you guys like this fic so far. I intend on it being longer than most, so hopefully, you guys like where it ends up going. I intend on updating as much as possible, so if you wanna bookmark it that would be smart. Hoping for updates at least once a day, although I wouldn't count on it. However, updates will come at least every three days, and that's a promise.

“Do you really mean it, sir?” Ethan questioned, gripping the handle of his suitcase tightly as he looked at the man with pure excitement. “Why, this is incredible. _Thank you_. You know, I never thought I could end up being a trapeze artist, but now I really think I could do it. You get what I’m saying?” Ethan grinned, noticing how the man simply chuckled in return. “I’m serious, I really think I could be a master at this sort of thing,” he continued as-a-matter-of-factly, grinning to himself. “And don’t get me wrong, I remember what you said about that whole dying thing if I were to fall from that height, but practice makes perfect. And I’m gonna practice as much as I can for as long as I can until I’m the perfect example of a trapeze artist. I’ll be able to do flips through the air, my partner grabbing me by the hands before I send myself hurling toward the opposite bar. That must be something, wouldn’t you think? Your life on the line for entertainment and to get people at the edge of their seats?” Ethan paused, switching his suitcase from one hand to the other. “It sounds magnificent.”

“Well, I can’t tell you I know from experience,” the man replied simply, giving a simple nod, straightening up again as he heard the train whistle once again. “You know, you’re quite the talker, Mr. Nestor. I’m sure the entire ensemble is simply loitering around and waiting for me to show up.” Ethan shrugged, walking over to the man opposite him so that he could stay close. “Good idea, I would stay close to me for the time being,” the man mentioned, although Ethan couldn’t tell if he was being sardonic or not. “At least until you meet your partner. And believe me, he’s far worst than anyone in that ensemble. If you can get used to him, you can get used to the rest.” Ethan cocked an eyebrow slightly. Well, surely his partner-to-be couldn’t be completely terrible. Maybe not as welcoming as Ethan was, but hopefully not a monster.

“Is he really that bad?” Ethan questioned doubtfully. “Because I like to believe that everyone in the world is capable of being a decent person unless they’ve been taught otherwise. So something is telling me that there’s more of a story to him than we think.” The man gave him a look, rolling his eyes before he reached for a briefcase. “Do I need to purchase a train ticket?” Ethan questioned hesitantly. “Because I’m afraid I haven’t got the money for that. I spent it all on the carriage ride over here, and that guy wouldn’t even offer a poor guy like me a ride home if I missed the train.” The young man paused. “You don’t suppose I could loan the money from you if I gotta pay? I don’t have much collateral, but you can take my suit. That’s something, right? It’s a nice, suit. My father bought it for me before he died, said he wanted me to have something nice. It’s not worth much, since we’re not the wealthiest of folk, but it’s something. And I could give it to you if you were to-” 

“If you don’t learn to stop talking,” the man warned him, “I’ll kick you off the train.” Ethan swallowed thickly, nodding his head sharply to show he acknowledged and understood what the man was saying. “Now, I’ll have you know that you don’t need to purchase a ticket, and that _I_ don’t need to purchase a ticket for you either. You’re not riding in some fancy coach seat with your suitcase below the chair in front of you.” Ethan cocked an eyebrow slightly, not quite understanding what the man went. Was he not allowed on the train? “None of us are, apart from me, but I’m riding with the conductor. All ensemble members are divided up into boxcars. If we could afford seats, we would, but we can’t. That’s why we use a train centered around delivering products and goods; not as expensive as the other transportation trains in the business. The acrobats get a boxcar, the clowns get a boxcar, the ringleaders and animal tamers get a boxcar, the dancers get a boxcar, and the trapeze artist gets a boxcar. Or should I say, trapeze _artists_? And let me warn you, Ethan Nestor, something tells me that your partner will manage to find trouble with having you in the same car as him. I’ve been lead to believe he’s enjoyed his privacy for the past five years.”

“He’s been a trapeze artist for five years?” Ethan questioned, his eyes flickering with wonder. 

“Yes,” the man replied simply. “Five years in this business, and two years in a previous one. I would say he started his career when he was a few years younger than you; always eager to prove himself. Of course, not willingly. His parents sold him to the circus, you know? Get a few dollars to pay off their debt for alcohol purchases, and left him stranded in some rundown traveling circus. He doesn’t speak much of it anymore. Sometimes the acrobats will get a word out of him, but only the ones he likes. There’s only two of those. All I can say is that his backstory is one of the shittiest I’ve ever heard of, and I would hate to be the poor bloke caught awake at night knowing that he sold his son off to a circus for a quick buck.” The man sighed, thinking for a few seconds. “I suppose trauma is what gave him the will to learn everything he knows now, you know? He decided at a young age that being a trapeze artist was his purpose in life, so I suppose it’s been the same with him ever since.” Ethan looked down at his feet awkwardly, not quite knowing how he was supposed to respond. “You alright, Mr. Nestor?”

“Call me Ethan,” Ethan mentioned, looking up from his feet. The man smiled.

“Alright, Ethan,” he replied, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “The name’s Walter Carter. You can call me whatever you’d like, as long as you’re not creating half-assed nicknames for me.” Ethan smiled softly, nodding his head in understanding. “Glad we’re on the same page. Now, I would really appreciate if you would stop trying to change the conversation. I’ll give you a minute to get changed into something more comfortable in your bag, since we don’t quite have a costume made for you, considering how last minute this entire decision is. Once we’re crowded together at the station, you’ll get to meet your partner, go in your boxcar, and get some sleep. It’s quite a long train ride, over a day to get there. Maybe Mark will enjoy the company and the ability to have someone to talk to. I can’t imagine he find anything fun to do being cooped up in a boxcar by himself for over a day.”

“Mark…?” Ethan questioned hesitantly.

“Your partner,” Walter replied. “I suppose you were bound to learn his name sooner or later, and I know well enough it would have taken you some prying to get it from him yourself. Thought I might as well give you this one.” Ethan nodded, trailing behind Walter as he exited the small building. The young man took a deep breath as he was greeted with the crisp air from outside. He felt like a new person just from stepping outside the door. He followed after Walter happily, practically skipping with excitement as he bounded next to him, walking beside him happily. “Oh, Mark is going to absolutely despise you,” Walter mentioned, laughing softly as he walked ahead of Ethan, who didn’t quite understand what he meant. Nevertheless, he found himself trailing behind, his eyes wide when he noticed the steam locomotive they would be taking. It really was quite something…shiny and new. 

“Alright,” Walter announced, gesturing his head toward the station. “Inside the station, you’ll find a changing room in the back. Please don’t take your time. I’d like to be on schedule, especially considering we’ll have more training to do than I thought.” Ethan nodded, knowing the man was talking about him. “And attempt to be sensible with yourself. Don’t wear something uncomfortable, considering you’ll be wearing the same thing on a train for over a day. I suppose you _could_ change, but I’m not sure your partner Mark would appreciate that very much. Be careful with him, Ethan. I wouldn’t be surprised if he shoved you out of a moving train just for breathing too loud for comfort.” Ethan swallowed thickly, nodding his head in return as he clutched his suitcase a little tighter. He pushed past Walter, making his way over to the entrance of the train station. As he walked by, he couldn’t help but steal a glance at the ensemble members who were gathered together, chatting amongst themselves and paying him no attention.

All of them were dressed in performance costumes, so it was obvious they were coming from practice. The acrobatics wore plain white leotards with tights underneath, pairing with a thin ballet shoe that would be flexible with their foot. They even wore a small feathered headpiece, which was paired with the feathers around the collar of their leotard. Ethan’s attention was then fixed to a man slightly taller than him, who had dark hair and dark eyes and wore a navy blue leotard with tights, paired with a similar set of shoes. He was talking with another acrobat, shorter than him, and the two of them seemed to be laughing. however, Ethan quickly looked away as the man glanced over to him. The last thing he would want to be caught doing was looking at someone, especially considering how no one knew who he was. So, he did as he was told, walking to the bathroom and getting changed into something comfortable. It was a leotard and tights of sorts, similar to what the acrobats had been wearing. Ethan had brought it because he knew well enough it would be useful if he had been accepted to join the ensemble; sure enough, it had come in handy. The young man pushed a steady hand through his brunette hair, exhaling softly as he exited the bathroom not surely afterward. Ethan supposed the only thing left to do now was make a good first impression. The young man glanced around before he hesitantly stood at the outskirts of the ensemble, chewing on his bottom lip anxiously.

“Hey,” Ethan heard someone whisper softly. The brunette straightened up, glancing over his left shoulder, flinching slightly when he noticed the acrobat that had been talking with the man in the blue leotard before. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry,” the acrobat continued, humming softly as he stood beside Ethan. “I didn’t mean to scare you or anything. I just noticed that I’ve never seen you before, which says a lot considering I’ve been here for a year and all. I’m pretty good with faces names, but I don’t recall ever seeing or hearing yours.” The man extended his hand. “I’m Sean McLoughlin.” Ethan smiled, shaking his hand hesitantly. “Oh, you’ve got nothing to worry about, we don’t bite. Well, _some_ of us don’t.” Within a few seconds, Ethan already knew who Sean was referring to.

“Nice to meet. you, Sean,” Ethan replied softly. “I’m Ethan Nestor.”

“Oh, don’t call me Sean,” the man replied in a hushed tone, gesturing his head over to Walter, who was studying a slip of paper in hand, reading it under his breath. “Walter said my name wasn’t good enough for the stage. Call me Jack. That’s what everyone else calls me, at least.” Ethan nodded in understanding. “Are you an acrobat too?” Sean questioned, cocking an eyebrow. “I mean, nothing against that of course…but Walter was talking about how he was so proud that the acrobats have finally finished their routine. Not saying that you would mess it up or anything, but adding an extra addition to the performance wouldn’t exactly be the brightest decision, considering-”

“Alright everyone, settle down,” Walter announced, clearing his throat as he folded up the piece of paper, shoving it in his pocket. “As some of you have already noticed, we’ve got a new addition to the. ensemble, so I expect you to treat him with the utmost respect; the same respect that you would treat your fellow teammates with.” He paused. “Ethan Nestor came not me not more than ten minutes ago to share with me how he had traveled here for the sole purpose of joining the circus, and this is the exact mindset and behavior that is valued and _treasured_ in the circus…a mindset that so many of you share commonly with him.” Ethan stood there awkwardly, holding his briefcase and not quite knowing what to say. “Training will be extended for two months to get Ethan into the shape and mindset that he needs to be in to tackle the stunts and routines he’ll be completing. Although already a skilled acrobat, he still has many things to learn before we can expect him to be at the same strides as others.” Ethan couldn’t help but smile as he listened to Walter speak. Despite never having seen him do a single acrobatic stunt, he trusted his word and what he had said back in the small building.

“Excuse me, sir,” an acrobat piped up, her voice littered with confusion as she glanced at Ethan before looking back to Walter. “You claim he’s a skilled acrobat…but why must our performances be postponed for two months? Surely it shouldn’t take more than a week to learn a simple acrobatic routine. I understand that a new one would have to be constructed to include an additional participant, but surely if we work together we could complete it faster than you would expect. I would hate for anything to be delayed due to us not pitching in.” Ethan looked down at his feet. He knew well enough that she meant how she would hate to miss a performance because of _him_. Ethan didn’t say anything, though. It didn’t seem like his place to speak. After all, he was new. Surely no one wanted to hear anything from him.

“Yes, Minnie, that would be the case if he was joining the acrobatic team,” Walter reassured her, smiling as he glanced back to Ethan. “But Ethan has decided to advance past acrobatics into a specific field of circus stunts well beyond his reach, and surely he needs time to practice before he’s ready to know his way around a trapeze.”

There was a short silence among the ensemble, all of them glancing at each other warily before they looked to Ethan, who wasn’t feeling too hot anymore. He looked down at his feet, to ashamed to glance up from them. The brunette didn’t really _have_ a reason to be ashamed…but all of the attention focused on him was more than enough to make him uncomfortable. After a few more seconds, the silence was broken. “What did you say?” Someone scoffed, obviously not too appreciative of the fact that Ethan was to become a trapeze artist. Ethan looked up from his feet, glancing over his left shoulder to see that the man in the blue leotard had spoken up. Slowly, Ethan glanced at the other ensemble members, noticing how most of them were dressed in attire identical to at least one other person…except the man in blue. That was Mark. 

“Because, correct me if I’m wrong, sir…you said something about him being a trapeze artist?” Mark continued, folding his arms over his chest and cocking his head slightly as he looked at Walter. “And surely we both remember well enough what happened the _last_ time you attempted to give me a partner, because that didn’t end well. I do recall her running away from the circus in a fit of screaming and tears all because she couldn’t handle being a trapeze artist; all because she couldn’t handle _me._ ” Mark chuckled softly, shaking his head with something similar to disbelief as he kept a fixed gaze with Walter. “So tell me, sir. Why are you deciding to bring me another mindless acrobat and expecting me to turn him into a trapeze artist? That’s not how it works, sir. It’s not that easy, and I know well enough he’ll be testing my patience by the time all of this is over. I don’t do partners. I work solo, and I’m almost certain that was what we agreed on the last time we made one of these arrangements which ended up going horribly wrong. You _promised_ me that you wouldn’t bring me another partner, and you _promised_ me that I could work alone for solo performances. I didn’t expect you to break your promise after only a few _months_.”

“Mark, now you’re getting ahead of yourself,” Walter insisted, gesturing his head to Ethan, who quickly focused his attention away from the entire ordeal. Now he was starting to wish he had wanted nothing to do with any of this. “I’m not asking much from you. I’m just asking you to show him what you know. Not any fancy tricks, not any leaps that will get him confused…just the basics.The bare minimum. We can figure out how to work our way up from there, but it would be much easier if you decided to cooperate instead of valuing your personal space more than you value the popularity of the circus. Think of all the attention we’ll get when the world finds out that we’ve got a new trapeze artist. Think of all the new stunts to be learned now that you have multiple people.” Walter raised both eyebrows, gesturing his hand to Ethan, who was pleading silently that he could be left out of it. “Maybe you’ll finally be able to make yourself a friend, Mark.”

Mark muttered lowly underneath his breath, and Ethan could feel the older male’s dark eyes piercing into the side of his head with a glare before he fixed his attention away. “You can ask me to teach him everything I know,” he continued lowly, his voice stern and serious, “you can ask me to perform with him, and you can ask me to have both our names share the same newspaper heading…but you can’t ask me to be friends with him. That’s not something you get to decide, and you can’t expect me to treat him like a child who needs to be protected. Do I make myself clear, Walter? Because as much as I love the business of a traveling circus, I’ll drop it any day of the week if you decide to start pushing my buttons and making me regret being a trapeze artist for you.” Walter held a neutral expression as he stared back at Mark, giving a simple nod of his head. “Glad we’re on the same page,” Mark continued dryly, his arms remaining crossed as he glanced at Ethan again. The young brunette didn’t dare to open his mouth.

“Is that clear to you too?” Mark scoffed.

“Leave him alone, Mark,” Sean said softly.

Mark glanced at Sean, rolling his eyes simply. “I don’t think I have to leave _anyone_ alone, Jack. Believe me, I’ve been here far longer than you, so surely I know how things work around here.” Sean nodded his head weakly, glancing. Away as if he had never gotten involved. Mark turned back to Ethan, who was now staring straight ahead and trying not to tremble. Not even his own father had ever barked at him. This certainly wasn't anything he was used to at home…and it certainly wasn’t anything he had expected from the circus. “So, Ethan…do I make myself clear? You leave me alone, don’t speak to me without being spoken to, and don’t attempt to become friends with me because we both know well enough that isn’t something I would want?” Ethan drew in a shaky breath, not even looking at Mark.

“Yes, sir,” he replied quietly, swallowing thickly. Mark scoffed.

“Let’s get this fucking show on the road,” Mark snapped, pushing away from the crowd, leaving Ethan standing there weakly as the rest of the ensemble slowly trailed behind him. Ethan watched as Sean gave a small sigh, glancing back at him sympathetically before he reluctantly followed after Mark, who appeared to be the ringleader of the entire ensemble. Nevertheless, the brunette found himself shuffling after the rest of them, not wanting to trail too far behind.


	4. What About You?

“Don’t mind him much attention, Ethan,” Walter said softly, gesturing his head to Mark as he lead the rest of the ensemble toward the train. The young man was following after him, Walter at his side. “He’s not looking to make friends, so keep everything between you strictly professional. I wouldn’t go out of my way to start a conversation with him, and I certainly wouldn’t want to ask him anything about his past. Some things are best left uncovered, wouldn’t you agree?” Ethan nodded weakly as he trailed behind the rest of everyone. “I suggest sitting on the opposite side of the boxcar from Mark, just to give him his space. You’ll soon become accustomed to what everyone else here is accustomed to…it just might take a little bit of time. So, until then, watch your back around him. I would hate to lose a trapeze artist before they’ve even begun their career, wouldn’t you agree?” Ethan sighed, nodding again as they drew closer to the train.

“Well, what if I could ride up with you and the conductor?” Ethan questioned sheepishly, glancing at Walter before he gestured his head to the front of the train. “You know, just this time around, because I don’t think Mark is going to enjoy my presence very much…even if I _don’t_ say anything to him. I barely said a word to him a few minutes ago, but he still got frustrated with me; it’s not like it’s _my_ fault he’s not a people person.” The young man sighed, brushing a shaky hand through his hair as he glanced at Walter for advice. “You’ve been dealing with him for five years now, correct?” Walter nodded simply. “Well…surely you must have some form of advice for me to take when it comes to dealing with him. How have you put up with him for five years? How have you managed to gain his respect, apart from being the superior?” Ethan looked at Walter with a curious expression, which gained him a simple laugh in return.

“You saw the two of us back there, he _hardly_ respects me,” Walter replied, shaking his head. “There’s a difference between us respecting each other and us putting up with each other. He puts up with me because, like you, he thinks this is his only purpose in life. Mark believes that being a trapeze artist is all he could ever be in this world, and who am I to tell him any different? He wouldn’t be to keen as to manage to gain the respect of any other ensemble from a different traveling circus, which is why he stays. He knows well enough that no one else would put up with his shit. Mark is practically a veteran here, he can do whatever he wants and he practically gets _away_ with almost anything. Five years in a particular business will do that to anyone, even you.” Ethan smiled softly as he walked alongside Walter. “So, in the end, he _puts up_ with me because it offers him the life he’s always wanted to live, and he gets paid to do it. I put up with _him_ because as far as I’m aware…he’s the only one around for hundreds of miles who can perform on the trapeze as great as he does.” Walter smiled at the thought. “Irreplaceable, really,” he continued. “Mark is nothing short of a circus star, Ethan…and believe me when I tell you that he would never let a newcomer like you change that.”

Ethan nodded in understanding, holding his suitcase close as he continued following after the ensemble. “Well, he seems to be friends with a few of the acrobats,” he mentioned. “Especially… _Jack_.” Ethan gave a small smile. For the first time in a long time, he had remembered someone’s name after shortly meeting them. “I saw them talking before and they both seemed to be in a good mood, although Mark snapped at him later for trying to defend me. I don’t know why Jack did it, honestly. He hardly knows me and I know practically nothing about him, apart from the fact that he’s an acrobat. At least, I _think_ he’s an acrobat. He was wearing one of the costumes, which are quite extraordinary by the way. I love the feathers, although I’m sure that they must get uncomfortable when performing tricks. I know I wouldn’t be too fond of scratchy feathers against my neck when I’m doing a cartwheel; it would probably catch me off guard, you know? Oh, and I love the trapeze outfit. My favorite color is blue, you know that? Not navy blue, a more sky blue, but I’ll take any blue that I can get. It’s the color of royalty, you know? Or is it purple? Yes, it’s purple. I was right the second time. Purple would make a nice leotard color, but maybe it’s a bit too vibrant. A _darker_ purple would work perfectly, but-”

“Ethan,” Walter said sternly, regaining the young man’s attention.

“Hm?” Ethan hummed in return, assuming he was going to be asked a question. He paused for a few seconds before he let out a sigh. “I’ve done it again, haven’t I?” He questioned. “Trailed off?” Walter nodded simply. “I’m awful sorry, sir. I don’t mean to go on forever like that, but one thought just leads to another and I can hardly help it. I’m getting better with it, you know. It used to be almost impossible to shut me up when I was younger. It’s something I’m born with. The doctor always said there was just something wrong with my ability to pay attention to anyone for a certain period of time…but that’s alright. I’m getting better. I’ll be fine.” He gave a justified nod, watching how Walter laughed softly in return. “So, how about it?”

“How about what?” Walter questioned. Ethan then realized that the older man had been caught up in all of the nonsense Ethan had been saying that he had forgotten the question the young man originally asked… _before_ the nonsense.

“Can I ride with you and the conductor in the front?” Ethan asked hopefully, a pleading look in his eye. “I would have nothing wrong with riding alongside Mark, not a problem at all…but I know well enough that _he’s_ going to find a problem with _me_ if I end up riding with him. He doesn’t seem like the type to talk to anyone, not even when he gets bored…and I’m the type to just run my mouth whenever I get bored. We’re really not meant to be in a confined space for long periods of time, us being almost polar opposites and all. I would annoy him, _he_ would annoy _me_ , it’s just not ideal for either of us. Now, if I could ride with you, I’ll still control how little I speak…but at least I’ll be able to speak without receiving a dent in my face, you know? I don’t mean to burden you _or_ the conductor, especially considering there’s plenty of room in a boxcar for Mark and I…but you get what I’m asking, right? And why I’m asking it? I’m afraid I’m not always the best at explaining things.”

“I understand what you’re asking,” Walter replied.

“Oh, that’s great, sir,” Ethan chirped happily, his eyes lighting up with excitement. “So, as I asked before, how about it? I promise I won’t talk too much, and I’ll take up as little room as possible. I can just sit in the corner of wherever there’s room. You’ll never even notice I’m there.”

“Something tells me I _would_ notice you’re there, and that same something tells me you’re going to have trouble keeping your thoughts inside your head,” Walter replied simply, causing Ethan to frown. “Believe me, kid, I would say yes…but we don’t have much room up in the front. There’s hardly enough room for two, and I do that just so I don’t intrude on the other ensemble members. You, on the other hand, have a boxcar dedicated to trapeze artists, and there’s hardly any of you. Just you and Mark. More than enough space for the two of you, and you can just take opposite ends. Besides, Ethan, this will be a great learning experience. You’ll never learn to give Mark space unless you’re forced into an area where neither of you can leave, and you’ll have to _find_ ways to leave him alone. He doesn’t bite, Ethan. Promise.” Ethan sighed softly. He didn’t _want_ to be left alone with Mark. He would have much rather been left alone with the acrobats, considering they hardly had anything against him. Well, maybe Minnie, but that was only because she thought _he_ was an acrobat. However,the young brunette was starting to wish he was, and by now they had already reached the train. Ethan sighed, moving slightly closer to Walter.

“Ethan, I’m sixty years old, I don’t need another child clinging to me,” Walter said sternly. Ethan stepped away quickly, nodding his head in understanding. “Everything’s going to be alright, I can promise you that. Don’t speak without being spoken to, just like Mark said. In fact, do _whatever_ Mark tells you to do…within reasoning. Or even without reasoning, considering he could throw you out of the. Train at any given moment.” Ethan swallowed thickly, sinking into himself slightly as he listened to Walter drag on about how he was supposed to do what Mark said for the time being. As he spoke, Ethan repeatedly nodded his head in understanding, wishing that all of this could be over and they could be there already. But they couldn’t; they had to take the train first. “Now, I’m going to separate the ensemble into their dedicated boxcars, alright?” Walter said softly, Ethan nodding again. “You and Mark will go to the designated color. Try not to say anything about the color, alright?” Ethan smiled, nodding. He felt better.

“Alright, everyone,” Walter continued, speaking louder so everyone else could hear him. “We’re going to divide up into the designated cars. For the most part, the colors should be the same for everyone, except for the acrobats and trapeze artists. Acrobats, you’ll be taking the dark green car near the back of the locomotive. Please refrain from touching the doors throughout the duration of the journey, considering they’re susceptible to falling off if you lean on them. This is an old train, everyone. Trapeze _artists_ , you’ll be in the blue car, it’s the only one of its color so you’ll know where to find it.” Ethan smiled. That was why he had been told not to mention on the color of the boxcar. “Everyone else, the designated boxcar colors should be roughly the same, so you’ll have no trouble finding them.” He gave a justified nod, resting his hands on his hips as he looked at the ensemble. “This is going to be our greatest year yet, everyone. I just know it.” Ethan beamed happily. “Alright, get to it, everyone!”

Ethan took a hesitant step backward, his eyes glancing over the boxcars as he looked for the navy blue one. However, everyone was already taking the liberty of going to theirs, and he found himself almost stumbling over as they pushed by. He sighed, finally noticing the navy blue boxcar that he would be traveling in. He glanced at Walter, noticing how the man gestured his head toward it, obviously wishing for Ethan to hurry along. Ethan mouthed a simple ‘sorry’ before turning away, walking shyly over to the boxcar. He really didn’t want to do this…he would have much rather he just stayed home; but the young man knew well enough this was the life he had always dreamed of…and he wasn’t going to let someone jackass get in the way. The boxcar door was still open, so Ethan tossed his suitcase onto the platform, hoisting himself into the boxcar. He let out a sigh of relief as he got inside, grinning proudly. It was a little dimmer inside the boxcar, but not by much. Ethan glanced around, almost giving himself a heart attack when he noticed Mark sitting against the side of the boxcar, his head leaned back slightly.

Mark glanced at Ethan, causing the boy’s eyes to go wide as he looked away, quickly retreating to the other side of the boxcar. He listened to what Walter had told him to do, and he didn’t look at Mark, simply holding his suitcase close to him and not saying a word. Nevertheless, Ethan could feel Mark’s eyes continuously burning into the side of his head, which was enough to make anyone shrink into themselves. He let out a shaky breath, swallowing thickly. Part of him wanted to glance over at Mark, just out of curiosity, but he knew that wouldn’t be the best decision. So he pulled his knees up to his chest, leaning his head back like Mark had as he listened to the whistle of the train. The young man let out another shaky breath, still completely terrified by the presence of Mark, despite him being several feet away from him in a similar sitting position. 

Ethan bit his lip anxiously, noticing how the door to the boxcar was still open. He nervously glanced at Mark, almost letting out a sigh of relief when he realized he was no longer looking at him. “Can we close the boxcar door?” Ethan questioned, gesturing his head to the gap. Mark glanced at Ethan simply before looking at the boxcar door, saying nothing. “It’s just that…well, what if we take a sharp turn and I go hurtling out of the boxcar? That would kill me, right? Falling out of a train?” The young man was about to ramble on about near-death experiences, and how he would miss the circus if he fell out of the train, but he caught himself and bit his tongue. Not around Mark. He couldn’t ramble on around Mark, especially considering how awful his first impression had been. Instead, he just sat back, waiting for the older male to answer. Mark chuckled softly, but not in the way that Walter did…his was almost in a mocking tone. This was followed by him rolling his eyes, which caused Ethan’s heart to sink in his chest.

“You’ve never been in a boxcar before, have you?” Mark scoffed. Ethan sunk into himself slightly, shaking his head shyly. Mark sighed. “Why am I not surprised,” he mentioned, gesturing his head to the door. “As soon as that door closes, the entire boxcar goes pitch black. You can’t see a thing. So, if you prefer to be stumbling around in the darkness and nearly kill yourself by running into the walls of the car, be my guest. However, I would prefer for it to be open so I can see things.” Ethan nodded hesitantly, showing he understood. He glanced at the wall of the boxcar, shifting closer to it. He didn’t care if he felt as if he was being crammed in the corner…as long as he didn’t have to look at Mark, he would be fine. The young man tugged his suitcase closer, letting out another shaky breath as he rested his forehead against the boxcar. It was somewhat uncomfortable, but he could manage. However, the boy straightened up when he heard Mark scoff.

Ethan glanced over his right shoulder, seeing Mark shaking his head almost in disbelief. “What?” Ethan asked softly, readjusting how he sat so that he wasn’t so cramped in the corner. “Did I do something wrong? Because if I did something wrong, I’m really sorry. Wah-Walter told me that it was best if I gave you your space and didn’t talk to you, so I’m not…but now you’re upset with me for some reason, and I don’t know why.” Mark cocked an eyebrow slightly. “Look, if this is about us sharing the boxcar, I’m not too fond of the idea either. I know you’ve been doing this alone for the most part, but I didn’t know that you didn’t appreciate having a partner. But it was the only way I could get in. I asked about being an acrobat or a clown, but Walter just said that all of those positions were filled, and that he couldn’t do anything for me. If I hadn’t mentioned trapeze artist, I would be stranded at this train station with nowhere to go, because I don’t have any money left. I spent it all trying to get here because I have a dream that-“

“Stop talking,” Mark interrupted lowly. Ethan did as he was told.

“Yes, sir,” Ethan said softly, looking down at his hands.

Mark raised an eyebrow slightly, shifting as he looked at Ethan curiously. “What’s your name again?” He questioned. Ethan frowned a bit. He knew well enough that he himself wasn’t good with remembering names…but that was for a different reason. Mark’s reason seemed almost intentional, and that was what upset him. Nevertheless, Ethan straightened up, sighing softly as he glanced over at Mark again.

“Ethan,” he replied. “Ethan Nestor…and you’re Mark.” He paused, looking down at his hands. “I’m usually not good at names,” he admitted, thinking for a few seconds. “I’ve got this thing…makes it hard to focus and remember stuff, and I easily get distracted…but it’s getting better. I mean, I remembered your name. I remembered Jack’s name too, but I remembered _yours_.” He paused. Maybe it was just because Mark was a douchebag and he _couldn’t possibly_ forget his name. “Well, I don’t quite know your last name,” he admitted. “But I don’t care, so you don’t need to tell me.”

“Fischbach,” Mark replied simply. Ethan smiled a bit, but the older male simply wrinkled his nose in return, which caused Ethan to glance away.

“That’s a nice last name,” he mentioned softly.

“I didn’t ask you what you thought of it,” Mark scoffed. The young man flinched slightly in return, sighing as he drew his knees close to his chest again. “I thought I made it pretty clear back at the train station that I have no intention of listening to whatever you have to say, unless it’s an answer to one of my questions. And I’m almost positive that you told me in return how you understood, and that I was perfectly clear?” Mark shifted. “Do I need to _make myself_ clear?” Ethan’s eyes widened as he glanced over at Mark. 

“No, sir,” Ethan said softly.

“That’s what I thought,” Mark retorted sharply. “Now how about you stop talking for the rest of the train ride instead of attempting to make my life a living hell, because you’ve done everything of the sort as soon as you climbed into the boxcar.” Ethan swallowed thickly, looking down at his hands. He hesitantly reached into his suitcase, fishing around for the. Folded up advertisement which he withdrew quickly. He unfolded it, looking down at it with a small smile. The young man had made it. Not exactly in the circumstances, he had originally hoped for, but he had made it nonetheless, and that itself was enough to keep him happy…despite the negative tension that hung heavily in the boxcar. “What’s that?” Mark questioned, gesturing his head to the advertisement. Ethan glanced at him, blinking simply as he looked back down at the flyer. “Are you gonna answer? If you love talking so much, surely being given the ability the answer a question should be a blessing for you.”

“It’s a flyer for the traveling circus,” Ethan replied. He folded it up, tucking it back into his suitcase. “Nothing much really.” The boy jolted slightly as he felt the train start moving underneath him. He sucked in a deep breath, now wishing that the boxcar wouldn’t become so dark if he were to close the. doors.

“Oh, calm down,” Mark scoffed.

“I’ve never been in a train before,” Ethan whimpered.

“I don’t remember asking you,” the older male replied. Ethan nodded weakly, watching as the trees started to roll by. They moved much faster compared to when he had been in the carriage. “You’ll get used to it,” Mark continued, his voice softer this time…not as frustrated. Ethan glanced over at him, noticing how the older man’s eyes were fixed on the scenery outside as it rolled past. “I used to hate the boxcars when I was younger…they would always close the door on me and lock it from the outside; just something the old traveling circus used to do.” Ethan straightened up, listening to Mark as he spoke. “That’s why I’m quite fond of the doors being open, you know?” He glanced back at Ethan, furrowing his eyebrows when he realized Ethan was looking back at him, and he quickly jerked his head away. “Enough story-time,” he muttered. 

Ethan smiled softly, despite his tone. He looked away from Mark, looking to the scenery again. “Do you like it out here in the countryside?” He asked softly. 

“I don’t have to answer your questions,” Mark jeered.

“I know,” Ethan sighed. “Just thought I would ask.” He looked down at his hands. “ _I_ prefer the countryside to the city,” he admitted, although he knew Mark would snap at him for speaking. “Just something about feeling _free_. And people always claim that there’re so many more opportunities to find in the city, but I don’t think that’s the case. When you’re in the countryside…well, as long as you know where you’re looking…you’ll find something that fits you just right. Like how I found the circus.” Mark let out a heavy sigh, obviously annoyed with Ethan speaking, but he didn’t request for him to stop talking. “You seem like you like the countryside,” Ethan mentioned softly.

“You don’t know anything about me.”

“I would like to,” Ethan insisted. Mark wrinkled his nose, glancing at him and giving him a weird look. “I’m serious,” the young brunette continued. “If we’re going to be partners, I’d like to know as much as I can about you. Like…what’s your favorite color?”

“I don’t have one,” Mark mumbled.

“Sure you do, everyone has a favorite color,” Ethan mentioned.

“I said I don’t have one!” The older man snapped, turning his head to face Ethan. “Now stop asking me so many fucking questions, and stop getting me to talk because quite frankly I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t like having partners, and I _especially_ don’t like having partners who don’t know when to stop running their mouths. Believe me, your time for that is long overdue, so just shut and up and go. To sleep or something.” The man huffed loudly, crossing his arms as he glanced away from Ethan. The young man frowned, shrinking into himself again and resting his forehead against the wall of the boxcar. He drew in a short breath, exhaling shakily as he tugged his suitcase closer again. 

_Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry_. That’s all he could think about. But he just couldn’t help it. In a way, Ethan was like a child. He didn’t like it when anybody yelled at him, even if it was justified. So he did cry. Just a little bit. But enough to let out a small sniffle and for his voice to crack slightly as he breathed. But the young brunette wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Mark noticing him crying was the last thing he wanted. 

“Sorry,” Mark said softly from across the boxcar. Ethan opened his eyes, swallowing thickly. He hummed in return, showing he acknowledged what Mark said. Nevertheless, he stayed quiet, closing his eyes and allowing himself to fall asleep.


	5. Written in the Stars

Ethan yawns softly, curling up tighter on the floor as he feels the breeze blowing into the boxcar, wafting through and brushing against his shoulder. He whined with annoyance, shifting so that he was laying on his other side, facing toward the wall of the boxcar again. Well, he was up now. He didn’t quite know what time it was, and he had no intention of opening his eyes. The young man knew well enough that if he did that, he would never be able to fall back asleep. The brunette couldn’t feel the warmth of the sun, so it must not have been morning yet. Ethan exhaled softly, shivering. He was starting to wish he had chose the option of having the boxcar door closed. Nevertheless, he laid on his back, feeling the cold metal of the boxcar underneath him. He let out a sigh, slowly opening his eyes to stare at the top of the boxcar. It was mostly dark.

Slowly, Ethan sat up, his back pressed against the boxcar wall as he glanced around. His eyes flickered with interest as he looked to the scenery outside, amazed by the glowing moon that hung in a present shape up in the sky. The trees were a dark silhouette against the midnight sky, blending together. It looked almost like a painting. The young man shifted, letting out a sigh of content as he felt the cool air blowing in, brushing past his face and through his hair. It was more than enough to get him to fully wake up, that was for sure. But, this time, Ethan didn’t seem to mind knowing he wouldn’t be able to fall back to sleep. All of this was something of a once in a lifetime experience, and he would savor every second of the journey. The train ride…the practice…the failed attempts. Everything. Slowly, the young man glanced over at Mark, surprised to see that he was sitting in a similar position, his eyes fixed on the world outside the boxcar. It was like a fantasy world, really. Nothing like what Ethan had laid eyes on in the city, he knew that well enough. And it would be all theirs for a few more hours…just until sun starting to peek over the horizon, and the midnight would be swept away with the moon. It really was beautiful, when Ethan thought about it.

“This is the best part of the train ride,” Ethan heard Mark say softly. Ethan glanced at him, noticing how the older man seemed to be filled with content. “Just getting to stay up and watch the sunrise because you know you have so much more time to sleep, and you wouldn’t want to waste such a beautiful moment.” Ethan nodded in agreement, smiling as he looked to the trees, watching as they whirled past quickly. “I could never travel with the door closed after getting to witness this every night,” he continued, his voice in a hushed whisper, even though no one else from other boxcars would be able to hear him over the sound of the train chugging along. “It’s too beautiful to miss out on…and to think that I was shielded from the sights for so long.” He chuckled softly, almost in disbelief…but it was a real laugh. A nice laugh, not as malicious as his previous one had been. “I would give anything just to be able to look at this all the time…” his voice trailed off as he leaned his head back against the wall of the boxcar.

“It sure is pretty,” Ethan mentioned, his eyes almost glued on the moon as he corrected his posture. “It’s so crazy knowing that the moon right there is the same moon we look at every night…the one we see before we close our eyes. But now, it’s different. It’s almost like it’s not the same moon anymore, and it’s all because I just decided to look at it in a different way.” Ethan could feel Mark’s eyes on him with a mix of curiosity and confusion, but he didn’t look back at him. He just looked at the moon, his heart content as he let out a light sigh. “I wouldn’t say there are as many people in the world who are lucky enough to look at the moon and feel moved by it.” He chuckled softly, glancing at Mark, their eyes meeting. “I guess we’re the lucky ones, huh?” Mark gave a half-grin.

“Maybe,” he mentioned, drawing his eyes away. Ethan looked at him for a few more seconds before he followed his gaze, noticing how his eyes are fixed on the stars. “I mostly like looking at the stars,” he admitted, humming softly. Ethan raised an eyebrow. Mark just didn’t seem like the type of guy to be into astrology and stars or anything, but he wouldn’t question it. He knew well enough. He didn’t want this moment to end. For once, Mark was actually being… _friendly_. It was nice. Different, but nice. “As you said, they’re the same stars…they’ve been there forever, and they’re just so far away but so _beautiful_.” Ethan smiled sheepishly, running a hand through his hair. “And the patterns they make…what’s the word… _constellations_. So many of them, like artwork in the sky.” Ethan’s eyes darted across the sky as he looked at the stars, smiling contently. “It really gets you thinking if they were _destined_ to be like that, or people just managed to find shapes on their own.”

“I’d like to think it was fate,” Ethan mentioned softly. “I would like to think that everything we do is destiny, you know? That all of this was _meant_ to happen, even if not all of us as the outcome.” He chuckled softly, glancing at Mark, who smiled at the stars in return. “But I’d also like to think that everyone has free-will…the ability to choose who they want to be when they’re older, or to choose who to love, or choose where to live.” The young man shrugged. “Hard to say,” he continued. “I’d like to believe that maybe people have the ability to fight against destiny and fate if they choose to…if they really believe that when they’re doing with their life is right.” Mark laughed softly.

“I feel bad for the person who sorted out my destiny,” Mark joked, “because I feel like I’ve already broken it a long time ago.” He grinned, Ethan laughing with him softly as he watched the stars. “My mother used to tell me that if you looked at the stars close enough, you could see your destiny being written in the brightness.” He paused, giving a simple shake of his head. “It seems silly now that I’m older, but I really did believe her. So, every night, and even in the summer, I would stay up until the stars came out and I would look at them and try to understand what they meant. It really did take me too many years to figure out it was a load of horse-shit.”

“Maybe,” Ethan mentioned softly. “But maybe you’re just not looking close enough.”

Mark glanced at him, giving a half-smile before he looked back at the stars. “You’re too optimistic for circus life,” he mentioned. Ethan would question what he meant, but he didn’t want to know. “You should be out in the world starting a family or something. My mother always told me that only happy people deserve to have children…because then their children can be happy just like them.” He frowned for a few seconds. “Sometimes I wish that my parents had been happy…then maybe I would be happy too.” Ethan frowned with him, swallowing thickly. He watched as Mark stood to his. feet, hesitantly walking toward the door of the boxcar. Ethan watched curiously as Mark sat at the edge, his legs dangling over the edge so he could get a closer look. “Maybe you’re right…maybe if I just look closely.”

“Well, maybe the stars are just waiting for the right time to tell you,” Ethan mentioned hopefully, smiling as he stood to his feet. He stood where he was for a few seconds, not yet walking over to join mark. “Maybe when the stars think you’re ready to learn your destiny, everything will be revealed or something.” He laughed softly, shaking his head in disbelief. “It really does seem like something out of a fairytale,” he mentioned. “Straight out of the books that my mother would read when I was younger…the ones where the knights would follow the stars to find the princess that was trapped up in a tower, or something…a dragon waiting at the base. One that breathed fire or something. I was always interested in dragons when I was younger…I thought they were real, and that maybe if I was lucky enough I would be able to trap one and train it to be my friend. So whenever we lit a fire in the fireplace, I would always wait for a dragon to pop out or something, and-“ the boy continued speaking happily as he continued to explain how he wanted a dragon, and the times he had tried catching a dragon, which eventually lead into all the other things he used to believe in, as well as he thought they could _theoretically_ be out there somewhere. Mark didn’t say anything. He just listened to Ethan as he spoke.

After a few seconds, Ethan finally realized when he was doing. “Sorry,” he said quickly, cutting himself off mid-story. “I guess I got carried away. What we were talking about?”

“How you like dragons,” Mark breathed out softly. Ethan’s face went flush with embarrassment as he stood there awkwardly. “My mother never really read me anything like that when I was younger. She said we couldn’t afford the luxury of books.” He hummed softly to himself. 

“Well, I’m sure you could still manage to find them somewhere,” Ethan mentioned. He finally walked over to Mark, hesitantly sitting down next to him. He flinched slightly as he watched the rails underneath the train rushing past, the locomotive chugging along quickly. Ethan reached for the side of the boxcar, holding onto it firmly. It was somewhat frightening knowing that he could fall off of the train if they were to take a turn. He rested his free hand beside him, steadying himself as he looked up at the stars. “It’s all really just the same thing with different character names. They mostly include princesses and princes, and pixies and all these magical creatures who could fly or something. Stupid, now that I looked back at it…but I always thought they were wonderful.” Mark nodded in understanding. Ethan hummed softly, leaning back on his hands as he looked up at the stars. This was nice…he was sitting next to Mark, and the two of them were talking like friends instead of enemies. And the scenery sure made for one hell of a sight.

“Do the other ensemble members close the door to their boxcar?” Ethan questioned out of curiosity, glancing at Mark. Mark hummed, thinking for a few seconds before shrugging his shoulders. “If I knew it was going to be so pretty outside, well, I never would have been asked to close it in the first place. Sure, the wind woke me up and all, but this is nice. I never would have expected something so relaxing from joining the circus, you know? I just thought everything would be backflips and cartwheels, with juggling and death-defying balancing acts in between. But this…it’s different. _New_. But I’m sure it won’t last long, considering we’ll arrive there tomorrow evening. And then what? Will we just be expected to start practicing?” Mark nodded his head. “Well, I guess practice makes perfect,” Ethan continued softly.

“Well, I shouldn’t even consider what we’re going to do _practicing_ with you,” Mark mentioned. “You don’t know anything about being a trapeze artist, do you?” Ethan shook his head, which caused his partner to let out a small sigh. “Well, the first thing about having a partner is learning to trust them with your life. And as of now, I don’t trust you with shit, especially considering how you mentioned it’s hard for you to focus on one thing. It would be nice to know that you would be able to focus on catching me or holding onto me, but I don’t really know how any of that is going to work out.”

“I said I was getting better with it,” Ethan mentioned.

“Well, guess what?” Mark scoffed. “ _Better_ isn’t what we’re looking for…it’s not what _I’m_ looking for. I’m looking for perfection. And yes, we may have the net throughout practice, but that isn’t going to be there for performances. The only thing we have that will stop us from hitting the ground is each other and the trust that we’re supposed to share, but I think we both know well enough that I don’t trust anyone with anything. Not you, not Jack, not even Walter. I wouldn’t trust them enough to remember not to touch my costume, let alone enough to put my life in their hands. That’s why I usually do this long…because I can’t fucking _stand_ when I’m not completely in control of something. And I especially can’t stand when I have an _idiot_ for a partner, and I know well enough they’ll be thinking about how nice the costumes look instead of how they’re supposed to catch me.” Ethan frowned slightly. 

“And I can’t stand how you talk about absolutely everything all at the same time,” Mark continued with exasperation, frustrated as he rambled on. “And how you’re happy about absolutely everything, and how you’re just so eager to trust me and do all of these things like they’re not incredibly dangerous. The first rule of being a trapeze artist is taking everything seriously, but you can hardly take _yourself_ seriously.” Ethan looked down at his hands. A few minutes ago they had been looking at the stars…but now it seemed as if they were back to square one. The young man must have miraculously caught Mark in a good mood, but that had faded by now. “And I know damn well that you’re already Walter’s favorite, and Jack and you are going to make such _splendid_ friends, but let me remind you that you won’t be able to get jack shit done without me, and I hope I make myself clear.” He let out a frustrated sigh.

“I didn’t mean to-”

“The same rules stand,” Mark repeated lowly, glancing at Ethan. “You talk to me when I ask you a question.” Ethan frowned back at him, his face dropping with disappointment, his shoulders sagging down to his sides. Nevertheless, he nodded weakly, barely managing to keep eye contact as he glanced away. After a few seconds, Ethan mustered up the courage to pull himself to his feet, hesitantly walking away from the door to the boxcar and back to the corner he had designated for himself. There was a long silence before Mark sighed. “I didn’t say you had to leave…”

“Yeah, well,” Ethan started, his voice shaking as he spoke, “I’m afraid you’ll push me out of the train if I stay there any longer.” He reached for the suit jacket from his suitcase, wrapping it around himself and leaning against the boxcar wall. Ethan knew well enough he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, but he didn’t care. Anything to get him away from sitting at the edge of the train with Mark would be more than enough. “You’re kind of an asshole,” he blurted out, his voice almost getting caught in his throat. Mark straightened up slightly from the mentioning of his name, but he said nothing as he listened to Ethan. “I mean, I haven’t done anything to deserve any of this. I get it, you can't trust me…you just met me. But none of what you’re saying is called for.” He paused, looking down. at his hands. “And I’m sorry for saying it…” There was a heavy silence. “Now I wish I hadn’t said anything at all…”

Ethan closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall of the boxcar and letting out a heavy sigh. He just wanted to go back to sleep…or maybe to wake up. He knew well enough none of this was a dream, but he would appreciate if that were the truth. But it wasn’t. So he lay there, trying to think of calming things that could coax him off to sleep, but there didn’t seem to be anything. However, the boy jolted awake when he heard someone sitting down next to him. Ethan opened his eyes, glancing to his side and noticing Mark sitting two feet away from him, his eyes still fixed on the stars. Ethan gave a half-smile, glancing away from him after a few seconds. “Thank you,” he whispered softly. Mark hummed in return, not saying much.

“I’m sorry, too…” Mark mentioned softly, glancing over at Ethan again. “I am an asshole, Ethan. I just want you to know that, and I want you to know. That both of us might not become close friends. That’s not always in my nature to be so ready to trust and accept people.” He smiled a bit. “I’m not sure though…I’ve never met anyone like you before. Someone so… _optimistic_. Well, at least, I’ve never met an adult like you. There were a lot of young children in the previous traveling circus that I worked with, and I suppose you remind me of them.” Ethan chuckled softly, playfully rolling his eyes. 

“Thanks, Mark,” Ethan replied. He paused, giving a half-smile. He hadn’t really said Mark’s aloud while in front of him. He usually just got away with ‘sir’, considering the only time he answered him was when he needed to respond with ‘yes, sir’ and ‘no, sir’. Mark must have noticed, for he glanced at Ethan hesitantly. “What?” Ethan asked softly, looking back at him. Mark said nothing for a few seconds.

“Never heard you say my name before,” Mark said, looking away from him. Ethan was about to question why that was a big deal, but he decided against it. Instead, he simply sat there, humming contently under his breath as he closed his eyes. “I like it better than ‘sir’.” Ethan smiled, his eyes still closed. “I…I would prefer you to call me Mark, instead.”

“Sure thing, Mark,” Ethan breathed out, a smile still visible on his lips as he found himself slowly falling asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like the fic so far. I'm really excited to continue working on this, and I'm glad I've been able to produce so many chapters during the time being.
> 
> Kudos appreciated :)


	6. Learning To Let Go

It was like a broken record with Ethan, waking up and falling asleep. But, finally, after about an hour, he was thankfully able to fall asleep and drift off contently. He didn’t know how long ago that was, though, for now he found himself awake again. This time was different, though. Instead of a midnight breeze blowing through the open door of the boxcar, he would feel the sunlight beaming down on his face. He couldn’t help but smile as he slumped down slightly, sinking into himself, but not out of discomfort. Ethan let out a content sigh, wrapping his suit jacket tighter around himself. He had originally thought of draping it across his legs like a blanket, but he felt content now. Ethan shifted slightly, trying not to open his eyes this time around. He knew well enough that the sun had already risen into the sky, and there would be no point of getting up to look at the horizon. Feeling the warmth of the sun would be enough to make him content. Nevertheless, he let out a soft whine, as he usually did when he found himself waking up, and he rolled onto his back again.

“You sure know how to sleep when you feel like it,” Ethan heard someone joke from beside him. He smiled contently, realizing it was only Mark. Ethan rolled onto his left side, facing toward the wall and curling up into a tight ball, his knees pressed firmly against his chest as he did this. Most would find it somewhat uncomfortable, but the young man didn’t seem to mind. “You must have been sleeping for at least twelve hours,” he continued softly, almost as if he was attempting to coax Ethan into opening his eyes, although it wouldn’t work. “Why you’re sleeping is beyond me. You weren’t the one who had a performance only yesterday, where you had to do a trapeze act fifty feet up in the air, where the man on the other side of the trapeze almost didn’t push the bar out hard enough and you barely gripped it.” Ethan smiled a bit, but he didn’t respond. “Well, hopefully, you don’t become accustomed to sleeping this long,” Mark continued plainly. “You have to wake up much earlier for practices during the week, and we’ll be working long hours through the day. I wouldn’t expect many breaks, considering you’re not in the position to be requesting anything…since you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing.”

“I know what I’m doing…partly,” Ethan mentioned, finally opening his eyes as he stared up at the ceiling of the boxcar. He glanced over at Mark, who was sitting in his ‘designated’ corner now, raising an eyebrow. Ethan pulled himself into a sitting position, blinking away the blur in his eyes and clearing his dry throat. “I mean, I already know how to do acrobatics and everything. I can do backflips and front flips…now I just new to learn how to do them while being suspended in the air and expected to reach forward and grab your hands after it.” Mark chuckled softly, rolling his eyes. Ethan knew well enough there was more to being a trapeze artist than that…but surely knowing his way around acrobatics was a start. “Well, it’s a start, isn’t it?” Ethan questioned, thinking out loud as he looked at Mark seriously, expecting a legitimate response. Mark thought about it for a few seconds, pursing his lips as he leaned back into the corner and stared off in thought, breathing softly as he did so.

“Well,” Mark started, giving a small shrug of his shoulders as he glanced back to Ethan. “You’re right when you say it’s a _start_ …but not by much. I would say you’re only about 10% of the way to becoming a true trapeze artist, which is fine. Everyone has to start somewhere, and I started off at the bottom level. Ground zero, I like to call it. I didn’t know a think about gymnastics or acrobatics, and I could hardly do a cartwheel. I was much younger, though…and I was eager to learn as quick as I could so that people would start treating me like an adult instead of a boy who…” his voice trailed off. Ethan knew what he was going to say. A boy with some traumatic backstory, who had been sold away to the circus against his will. Ethan didn’t mention anything, though. He just looked back down at his hands,acting as if he didn’t know what Mark was talking about. “…a boy who didn’t know what hew as doing.” The young man nodded in return, glancing to Mark again, who was looking out the door as the trees continued to roll by just as fast as they had a few hours ago.

“Well, you obviously learned fast enough to be as good as you are now,” Ethan mentioned, smiling at Mark, who smiled back at him for a few seconds before looking away again. The brunette’s heart sank in his chest slightly. “Is it that hard to learn?” He questioned out of curiosity. “I know it can’t exactly be _easy_ , but will it be really difficult?” Mark chuckled softly, glancing at Ethan. “It’s a serious question,” Ethan insisted, although he grinned back at him as he shifted. “Considering I’m not exactly _amazing_ at doing things-”

“It’s easy once you get the _hang of it_ ,” Mark explained, humming for a few seconds. “It’s really hard to describe. I mean, you’re obviously going to fail the first time you go up there. You’ll be afraid of the heights, and you won’t know where to grab, and you’ll dread the thought of having to do a flip. But…once you land it the first time and you get into the rhythm of it, there’s something in your brain that just…I don’t know… _clicks_. Like it’s been turned on for the first time, or something, and you never even knew it was there before but now that you have the mindset you realize you could never live without it. Part of you just learns to _let go_ of everything. Your fears, your emotions, your _life_ …all because that part of you believes that the rush of adrenaline you get when you succeed is worth it…is worth the _risk_.” Ethan thought about it silently for a few seconds. It sounded downright exciting. “That might take a while for you, though,” Mark continued admittedly. “I know it sure did take me a while…almost a year. But we don’t have a year, which is why you’re going to work as hard as possible to channel everything and learn how to be a true trapeze artist.”

“ _Is_ it worth it?” Ethan questioned. Mark wrinkled his nose with confusion, not understanding what Ethan meant. “The risk,” the young man continued, biting his lip. “Is being a trapeze artist worth the danger you put yourself in every practice and every performance. Is it worth knowing you could fall and everything would just be _over_?” The young man looked down at his hands sheepishly. “Not that I’m _afraid_ or anything,” he continued softly, although he wasn’t too sure himself. “Because I don’t get scared or nothing…” his voice trailed off as he glanced to Mark, who was now looking at him intently. Ethan stared back at him in silence, a small smile creeping onto his face as he waited for a response. The only thing that filled the air was the sound of the train chugging underneath them, the both of them smiling at each other before Mark eventually looked away to somewhere off in the distance, humming contently underneath his breath.

“I’d like to think it’s worth it,” Mark mentioned, shrugging his shoulders. He pursed his lips as he thought about it for a few seconds. “It really depends on if being a trapeze artist is a passion you’ve always had…but you don’t always have to be _born_ with a passion for something. When I was s…” his voice trailed off as he thought about it for a few seconds, hesitantly running a hand through his hair. Ethan watched as Mark swallowed thickly, quickly thinking of something else to say. “When I joined the circus,” he corrected, leaning his head back against the wall of the boxcar, “I didn’t want anything to do with the trapeze. It scared me, to be honest. But when I was introduced to it, I realized it was something I loved, and the rush of excitement I got when I was in the air was more than enough to make me content. Soon enough, that became the only thing I craved in life; soaring through the air like I could fly. You learn to let go of absolutely everything when you’re up there, and you only think about yourself and the tricks.” He paused, glancing at Ethan. “I guess we’ll have to start thinking about our partner too, huh?” Ethan nodded hesitantly. “I guess you’re not the only one who will have to learn something,” Mark joked, looking away again. He always did that, Ethan noticed. Mark would look at him for a few seconds, but look away as if he were afraid to look a second longer. Ethan didn’t mind it much attention, though.

“I guess not,” Ethan repeated. He paused for a few seconds. “Is now a good time to mention that I have a fear of heights?” He asked, looking at Mark awkwardly. The other man looked back at him, plainly for a few seconds before a smile began to creep on his face. Within a second Mark was laughing hysterically, tossing his head back. Ethan looked down at his hands sheepishly. Part of it had been a joke…but, for the most part, he was serious. The young man hated heights, he always had. When he was younger, he had once been two afraid to climb the trees at the park with his friends, and they surely weren’t fifty feet up in the air. “You have had a partner before…right?” Ethan questioned finally, just as Mark’s laughter was beginning to die down. “You’re not doing all of this completely blind?”

“Of course I’ve had a partner,” Mark replied. “I just don’t like having partners. We’ve been over this.”

“Do you like me?”

“I _put up with you_ ,” Mark retorted simply. “I don’t think that’s quite the same, wouldn’t you agree?” Ethan’s shoulders slumped down as he nodded his head weakly. “And I suppose I’ll have to put up with you for about another two months, so I think we should at least agree on the fact that I’m in charge here. You don’t listen to Walter, you listen to me. You get up when I tell you to get up and you go to bed when I tell you to go to bed. You eat meals when I eat meals, we sleep in the same tent, and we practice _together._ Walter might be our boss, but he knows absolutely nothing about the training that goes into being a trapeze artist. He’s hardly seen me train, considering I knew what I was doing before I joined this circus. So, considering that, he wouldn’t understand the long hours that are required, or the little time we have for socializing with acrobats.” Mark rolled his eyes after that statement. “Long story short, don’t talk to anyone else here. Don’t listen to what anyone else tells you to do, and _certainly_ don’t get distracted by anyone.” Ethan nodded hesitantly. Back to square one, it seemed. 

“Well, I get that I’m supposed to trust you and all,” Ethan mentioned. “But what if you drop me?”

“I won’t.”

“But what if you do?”

“I _won’t_ ,” Mark repeated sternly. “Once I grab your hands, I won’t drop you. I can _miss_ you, which is something entirely plausible and would be entirely your fault because it’s up to the one being watched to determine when they should push off of the support. If you go to soon, I’ll be too high into my swing to catch you. If you go too late, I’ll have already swung in the other direction, and you’ll plummet to the ground, just the same as in the first situation.” Ethan swallowed thickly. “As the catcher, my main purpose is to catch you, toss you, and lift you. Your job is to time yourself right, aim, and do tricks. Neither one is harder than the other, I would know, considering I practically had to do both jobs myself before you came along.” Ethan nodded in understanding. “And, of course, there are two acrobats on each support that push the bars back for when we share a bar, and you need to leap back to yours.” Ethan didn’t understand what any of that. meant, but he knew well enough he would learn sooner or later.

“You’ll obviously have to learn new tricks,” Mark continued, “tricks that aren’t even feasible for floor acrobatics. Learning to hoist yourself from my hands to the bar we share, which you can sit or stand on. The audience always seemed to like it when I did that. Holding the bar with on hand really seems to get them at the edge of their seat. Swinging from your legs…hanging by _one_ leg…” his voice trailed off, a smile growing on his face as he thought about everything contently. “It’s the best feeling in the world, you know? Knowing that you have people at the edge of their seat, hoping you don’t fall and shatter yourself?” Ethan shuddered at the thought.

“I don’t wanna shatter myself…” he murmured.

“Well, I guess we’ll have to try and make sure that doesn’t happen,” Mark replied. Ethan nodded his head hesitantly. “Are you scared?”

“Who wouldn’t be scared?” Ethan questioned. “I mean, everything that you’re describing sounds wonderful…but I just can’t help but think about falling from fifty feel in the air because I missed when I was supposed to go, or because I was stupid, or because I wasn’t concentrating hard enough. That’s terrifying, Mark.” He shrunk into himself. “All I wanted to do was be an _acrobat_. I knew what I was doing, and I knew all the moves, but he wouldn’t let me in. And I just had to come with you guys…I didn’t have anywhere else to go; I ran out of money. I spent it all trying to get here, and the only way to stay here was to ask if I could be a trapeze artist.” The boy exhaled heavily, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I’m _terrified,_ Mark. I wanna be somebody and I wanna have a purpose for once in my life, but I didn’t think it would mean _this._ ” Mark was silent for a few seconds.

“You’ll learn,” he insisted finally. Ethan watched as the older man stood to his feet, walking over to the edge of the boxcar. He held onto the door carefully as he leaned out, watching the trees pass. Ethan sat where he was for a few seconds, hesitant to join Mark. After all, it was obvious the older man appreciated his space more than anything. Besides, they weren’t friends. They were partners, and that was the difference between them. Mark didn’t like him, he just put up with him. As upset as that made Ethan to think about, he suppose he understood. After all, Mark didn’t like having a partner, and surely Ethan wasn’t any different than the other partners Mark had before him. “Are you gonna join me, or are you just gonna sit in the corner?” Mark questioned, glancing over his left shoulder back at Ethan, who looked up from his hands with surprise, not knowing what to say. The young man scrambled to his feet, walking over next to Mark, although he stood a foot or two back so he wouldn’t have to be faced with the open door of the boxcar. However, he noticed how Mark held on tightly to the door, leaning out and letting the wind whip through his hair.

“Oh come on, you can’t be afraid of this if you’re going to be a trapeze artist,” Mark mentioned, gesturing for Ethan to follow his lead. “Sometimes you’ve got to take risks.”

“What if I fall?”

“You won’t fall if you hold on tightly,” Mark mentioned, gesturing his head to the other boxcar door. Ethan glanced at it, swallowing thickly before he reached his hand forward, grabbing onto it firmly. “Then you just lean out and let the wind blow against you,” he continued with a smile, glancing back at Ethan. “Remember to focus on your grip, though, for you’ll find it gets harder to hold on when you let yourself relax.” Ethan nodded in understanding, leaning forward with Mark. He looked down slightly, watching as the rails flew by underneath them. “Don’t look down.”

“Thanks for telling me that now.”

“I didn’t think you would be stupid enough to do it,” Mark joked, shrugging his free shoulder. The two of them paused for a few seconds, hearing nothing but the loud beating of the wind blowing past them. “Worth it, right?” Ethan hummed in return, nodding his head. “Relaxing?”

“Kinda,” Ethan admitted.

“This is what it feels like to be a trapeze artist,” Mark replied, smiling softly against the breeze. “Your life on the line, but you know deep down inside that you won’t fall if you just trust yourself.” 

“Do you do this every time you go on a train?” Ethan asked teasingly. “Or just to impress people.”

“You’re impressed?” Mark questioned, glancing back at him. Ethan’s eyes widened slightly as he looked back down at the tracks, despite how afraid he was. Mark chuckled softly. “I didn’t think I could be that impressive,” he admitted jokingly. Ethan wanted to punch himself in the face. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Ethan replied softly. There was a long silence between the two of them as Mark looked ahead, watching where the train went.

“I’d say we’re almost there,” he admitted, looking to Ethan, who’s face lit up with excitement. Mark pulled away from the door of the boxcar, walking back inside. Ethan stayed though. He liked the feeling of being free. “Bold move of you to stay there,” Mark continued jokingly, “especially considering you think I would push you out.” Ethan’s face went flush with embarrassment.

“Did I really say that?”

“Yup,” Mark chuckled. It seemed as if he didn’t mind it much, but Ethan couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“It’s fine,” Mark replied simply. “But I would get away from the edge before you get hit by a sign.” Ethan did what he was told. “Well, Mr. Nestor,” he continued, humming softly. “I hope you’re prepared for your life to be a series of trial and error for the next two months.”


	7. Ahead of Yourself

Ethan jerked slightly as he felt the train come to a halt from underneath him, the screeching of the wheels sliding against the rails filling the air and hissing through the boxcars. The young man cringed, glancing to Mark, who seemed almost unfazed by the noise. No surprise. He had, without a doubt, been doing this for a long time, and surely he had been on plenty of train rides. Ethan remained still for a few seconds, not sure if he was supposed to get up or wait for Mark to tell him so. Nevertheless, he reached for his suitcase, readjusting his posture as he heard the sound of other boxcar doors opening. It was obvious that not everyone had decided to leave their boxcar doors open as Mark and Ethan had, but the young brunette didn’t mind. Being able to see the moonlight and the stars at night was one of the best feelings in the world…the entire moment had been magical, really. Something straight out of a fairytale. Ethan felt like he himself was a character torn from the pages, off on an adventure of daring discovery and death-defying plot-twists. He smiled at the thought.

“Can I get up now?” Ethan finally questioned, glancing over to Mark, who was still sitting on the floor. Mark wrinkled his nose in return, almost as if he was confused by the question. “Can I, like, stand up now? Or do you want me to keep sitting?” He shifted awkwardly. The boxcar floor wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he wouldn’t stand up if Mark didn’t want him to. “I do think my right leg is going to start falling asleep if I don’t stand on it, though,” he mentioned, gesturing his head toward it. “I can’t really feel it.”

Mark sighed, rolling his eyes simply. “You don’t need my permission to do simple things,” he scoffed. Ethan nodded hesitantly, pulling himself up and shaking out his leg repeatedly. He glanced at Mark cautiously before he sat down, humming softly. “Well, you might not wanna sit down right away,” Mark mentioned, finally standing up. He rested his hand on his hips, arching his back slightly as he stretched, and Ethan could hear a small crack. “Especially considering we already reached our destination, and all of us will be filing out in a few minutes. Maybe even a few seconds. It all depends on how long it takes Walter to get out.”

“I can stand up?” Ethan asked.

“What did tell you?” Mark replied sharply, turning his head over his shoulder to look at Ethan. “You’re not my slave. You can get up or sit down whenever you want. You can ask for water breaks whenever you want. You can decide if you want to do a bit more stretching, or if you want to try a routine again. I don’t _own_ you. I’m just in charge of the schedule.” Ethan nodded, remaining still for a few seconds before hesitantly pulling himself to his feet. He noticed how Mark glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, smiling softly before he refocused his attention to outside. Ethan reached for his suitcase again, holding it firmly in his left hand. By now, he had already folded his suit jacket back up and stuffed it inside of his suitcase with the remainder of his clothes. The young man stood in his designated corner, humming softly as he waited for Walter to tell them when it was okay to leave. For now, he just stared outside, not bothering to glance at Mark, although he could feel the other man’s eyes burning into the side of his head. 

“Are we going to start practicing today?” Ethan questioned, not taking his eyes away from the trees outside as he spoke. 

“I believe so,” Mark answered, humming softly as he didn’t take his eyes off of Ethan. The young brunette didn’t know whether it was out of intrigue or if he was just dazed, but he didn’t mention it. Drawing attention to it would just make everything worse, and he knew that well enough. “Why, are you excited to finally get up in the air?” Ethan shrugged in return. The whole thing seemed like a double edge sword…every adrenaline rush would come with the same fear of falling from fifty feet in the air, which wasn’t something Ethan intended on doing anytime soon. However, he knew that he would fall _several times_ throughout practice, whether that be his fault or Mark’s fault; he could only assume it would be his own fault, considering Mark had promised never to drop him. “You will be,” Mark continued softly, his eyes still fixed on Ethan, almost as if he couldn’t find the strength in himself to force them away. Sure enough, however, he did, and he found himself staring off in the distance the same as Ethan. The young man couldn’t help but chuckle softly.

“What?” Mark asked softly, smiling slightly.

“Nothing,” Ethan hummed, grinning as he placed his suitcase down, resting his hands on his hips as he looked outside the boxcar. He thought for a few minutes before he shrugged his shoulders. “It’s just…I _never_ would have thought, not even in a million years, that I would be standing here. I used to bluff about how I could make it big to everyone, but I never really believed that I would get close enough to actually have a chance. But now I _do_ have a chance…I would have thought Walter would have denied my offer to be a trapeze artist and he would have left me at the train station, or that maybe he would listen to you back at the train station and he wouldn’t let me come with the ensemble anymore.” Mark’s face grew serious as he listened to Ethan. “It’s just weird, you know? Everything is like some weird fever dream that I’m living through, and I’m just afraid that if I focus too hard or have too much fun that I’ll just wake up and end up back at home where I started.”

“Then don’t wake up,” Mark replied softly, glancing at Ethan. The younger man beamed slightly, looking back to Mark, their eyes meeting. “I’m serious, Ethan,” Mark continued, causing the brunette’s heart to lift in his chest. He liked the sound of his name on Mark’s tongue…it made him feel important. “You’re not dreaming…but act like you. Act like this is all a dream, and that if you question everything or think about it too hard, you’ll wake up and everything will be gone. _That’s_ how you learn to savor the moment, just like a person can remember a dream so fondly.” Ethan smiled at Mark, their eyes still locked as they looked at each other with a mix of seriousness and sympathy. And, for a few seconds, the young male was almost mesmerized, his heart in his throat as neither of them dared to look away, but Ethan did it finally. He forced his eyes back to the ground, feeling almost foolish, but the three words still echoed through his mind. _Don’t wake up_. Ethan smiled, repeating the words over in his head.

“I’ll put an effort in not to wake up,” he said softly, reaching for his suitcase again as he looked outside. He could notice Mark giving a justified nod out of the corner of his eye, and the young man only smiled more. “Although, I’m not sure if this dream is going to be a _good one_ or a nightmare.” Mark chuckled softly. 

“Time will tell, I suppose,” Mark suggested.

Ethan gave a small nod. “Yeah,” he repeated softly. “Time will tell.” The young man smiled, his heart no longer pounding heavily in his chest as he found himself relaxing as he stood next to Mark. “Are you friends with any of the acrobats, besides Jack?” He questioned, cocking an eyebrow as he looked to Mark. The older man thought for a few seconds, pursing his lips.

“No,” he decided finally. “I knew Minnie for a bit, but she’s quite an awful person once you get to know her. Conceited is the word for it, I would say. She only cares about what’s best for herself, and she’s not afraid to do whatever it takes to find herself in the spotlight.” Mark chuckled softly, glancing at Ethan. “She didn’t want any part of you to be an acrobat, that’s for sure.” Ethan nodded. He remembered how she had been so persistent with how he would have ruined everything if he joined. “Well, it’s not because she’s afraid of learning a new dance. She’s afraid that you’ll ‘steal’ the reputation from her, since Walter spoke of your acrobatic abilities so highly. If your name was to end up in the newspapers, and hers wasn’t included, she would do something real sinful, without a doubt.”

“Walter’s never even seen my acrobatics,” Ethan admitted shyly, shrugging his shoulders. “I offered to show him, but he said that he trusted me and all, and that changing into something more flexible to show him would only waste time.” He paused. “I’ve never seen any of the other acrobats perform, either. I’m sure they’re much better than I am, considering they do this for a living.” He hummed softly, looking down at his suitcase. “Mark?” He asked softly, glancing at his partner. The older man hummed in return, acknowledging his question. The young man assumed that the question he was going to ask would get him in trouble, but he didn’t care. “Promise not to drop me?” He whispered, his voice hushed as if he had uttered something blasphemous. But Mark was silent for a few seconds, a half-smile growing on his face. He glanced back to Ethan.

“Promise,” Mark replied. Ethan gave a watery smile, followed by a simple nod of his head. He looked away again, his eyes lighting up as he noticed Walter walking over to their boxcar, a look of interest on his face as he glanced from Ethan to Mark. “Problem, sir?” The older man questioned sardonically, folding his arms as he looked at Walter seriously, but he simply chuckled.

“Not a problem at all,” Walter admitted, smiling at Mark. “I just thought you would have killed him by now.” Ethan’s eyes widened slightly as he hesitantly glanced at Mark, wondering if that was supposed to be a joke or not. Nevertheless, he looked back to Walter, awaiting instructions. “Well, I’m glad you two managed to get along throughout the train ride. That’s a fresh start for you, Mark, considering all of your other partners only ended up stumbling out of the boxcar while sobbing _hysterically_.” Mark simply rolled his eyes. “Well, I’ll have you know that all the tents are set up, so feel free to drop off your suitcase in your tent, Ethan. I wouldn’t want you to have to carry it for long.” Ethan gave a small nod in thanks. “As for you, Mark, you’re free to do whatever you’d like for the rest of the day, although I advise that you start practicing with Ethan. One can never be too prepared when it comes to the art of the trapeze, wouldn’t you agree?” Neither of them said anything. “Well, maybe you’ll find the energy in you to reply later,” Walter said simply, stepping aside and gesturing down to the ground. “You can get out now, no one’s stopping you.”

“Sure thing, sir,” Mark replied, hesitantly glancing to Ethan before he walked to the edge of the boxcar. He hummed, jumping down quickly and turning back to Ethan. “Well, hurry up,” he insisted. “We don’t have all day for practice. The sun goes down eventually, and I’d rather we practice when it’s _bright_ out.” Ethan nodded quickly, stumbling over to the edge of the boxcar, extending his arm for Mark to take his suitcase.

“Can you take this?” Ethan questioned. Mark cocked his eyebrow.

“Just jump down,” he replied.

“Yeah, but what if I twist an ankle or something?” The young brunette questioned.

“Worrying about jumping from a boxcar is going to be the least of your problems,” Mark scoffed, folding his arms as he looked at Ethan. “You are without a doubt going to be repeatedly falling from fifty feet into a net. I suggest you start getting over a pathetic fear of heights.” Ethan said nothing, shifting slightly so that he was sitting on the floor of the boxcar, his legs hanging over the side. Carefully, he slid off of the boxcar, noticing how Mark simply rolled his eyes in return. “Juvenile,” he mentioned, gesturing for Ethan to follow. “Come on, I’ll show you to your tent.”

“Is it big?” Ethan questioned with curiosity.

“Depends,” Mark replied, glancing back at Ethan as he rushed to keep up with him. “I’d say it’s a decent size, but the two of us are sharing it, so I don’t know how much storage space you’re looking for. You can fit your suitcase beside your cot, but I wouldn’t expect room for much else.” Ethan nodded in understanding, walking beside Mark as he lead him to the tent. “You don’t need much to be a trapeze artist, Ethan. Just yourself and a costume.” Ethan, nodding.

“And the ability to not be afraid of heights,” Ethan mentioned. Mark smiled, glancing at him and nodding. Ethan smiled back for a few seconds. “Well, I can’t say I’m not excited,” he continued, although he felt his heart skip a beat in his chest. Excited wasn’t the word for it… _terrified_ was the correct word. He was eager in a sort of terrifying way, which made it all the more confusing. The young man didn’t question though. He was going to be a trapeze artist, for fuck’s sake. At that point, you couldn’t question anything. “What was your last partner like?” Ethan questioned, biting his lip as he tried to strike up a conversation. 

“She was eager to be a trapeze artist,” Mark replied, thinking about it for a few seconds. “She knew what she was doing and she was _excited_ to do it. She loved the thought of being in the air and soaring above the ground, throwing her worries and dread behind her.” He smiled when he spoke of her, and Ethan felt an almost churning sensation in his stomach. “She was brave…but I hated her.” The man said nothing more, and Ethan didn’t expect him to. He almost felt relieved that Mark hated her, although he didn’t understand why. “Well, here we are,” he continued, gesturing his head to the white tent that was pitched in the distance. “I’ll wait outside while you put your suitcase away.”

Ethan nodded, drawing away from Mark as he walked over to the tent, humming underneath his breath. He ducked down slightly into the entrance, glancing around as he noticed two cots. One of them looked like it had gone untouched for quite some time, so Ethan could only assume it was his. The young man rested his suitcase beside it, glancing over to Mark’s cot. He didn’t stay long, for he wanted to get to practice. He crawled out of the tent, rising to his feet afterward and looking at Mark. “Done,” he said simply, shifting eagerly. Mark nodded, gesturing for Ethan to follow him. The young man’s eyes lit up with excitement as he trailed behind him.

“See that structure in the distance?” Mark questioned, gesturing his head over to what Ethan was supposed to be looking at. The young brunette followed his gaze, a sinking feeling starting to grow in his stomach when he looked at it. It appeared to be two pillars, high in the air with ladders on either side which lead up them. Ethan tilted his head back as he looked at the top, noticing the beams that connected the structures, as well as the bar he would swing from. He almost let out a sigh of relief when he noticed the net below. And, suddenly, he felt excited. Part of him just wanted to climb to the top and start practicing, just so he could swing through the air. It was exciting. “That’s where we’ll practice stunts and routines.” Ethan nodded in understanding, his heart beating steadily in his chest as they drew closer, the structure appearing larger by the second. “Exciting, isn’t it?” He questioned. Ethan couldn’t help but nod his head, almost mesmerized by the structure in front of him. 

“Breathtaking,” he whispered, a small smile creeping on his face as he stood behind Mark at the bottom, looking up with curiosity and amazement. He wasn’t sure if whatever was supposed to click had clicked yet…but he could already feel his heart pounding in the best way possible, and he just wanted to race up the ladder and _leap_. “We’re going all the way up there?” Ethan questioned with amazement, glancing at Mark eagerly. He watched as the man simply chuckled for a few seconds before shaking his head. Ethan’s shoulders slumped slightly as he gave a confused expression. “What’d’you mean?” He asked softly. “I thought you said that we were gonna practice or something?”

“I did say that,” Mark replied. “And we _are_ practicing, so it seems as if I haven’t lied to you yet.” Ethan looked down at his hands before his eyes snaked up the ladder, flickering with the desire to climb it. “Oh, come on, you honestly didn’t expect me to let you up there on the first day, did you?” He asked, his voice sardonic. Ethan couldn’t take his eyes away from it, but he simply shrugged his shoulders. To be honest, the young man wasn’t even sure _what_ he had expected when he got himself into this. Mark chuckled. “We’ll be practicing there soon enough, don’t worry. Give it a day or two, maybe three. You’re not ready to go up there yet.”

“How are we supposed to practice if you won’t even let me up there?” Ethan questioned, forcing his eyes away as he looked to Mark. “Last time I checked, I can’t get any better at being a trapeze artist if. I don’t even _attempt_ a stunt on the trapeze.”

“Watch your tone,” Mark said lowly, shutting Ethan up quickly enough, forcing him to fight the urge to apologize, which he knew would only make things worse. “It’s not that I don’t trust you,” he continued, his voice more gentle, “it’s just that I don’t want you hurting yourself. You don’t know how to leap, or how to reach for my hands, or the proper way you’re supposed to hold on. All of this can _easily_ be taught on the ground, which is why the first day of practice will be away from the trapeze.” Ethan gave a reluctant nod, not bothering to argue with the older man. “Get on your knees.”

“What?”Ethan questioned, his attention being grasped again as he glanced at Mark with confusion.

“Get on your knees, do I have to repeat myself a second time?” Mark questioned, his expression serious. Ethan swallowed thickly, doing as he was told. “Put your arms out and reach up to me,” he continued. Ethan hesitantly followed instructions, watching as Mark took a small step back before grabbing the younger man’s hands, holding them firmly in his own. The young brunette blinked, looking up at Mark and wondering what this was for. Nevertheless, he held Mark’s hands firmly in his grasp, not letting go. 

“This is what I call starting position,” Mark explained. “Feel my hands against yours.” Ethan nodded, gripping slightly tighter, but not enough to bring discomfort. “This is how your hands will be positioned when you leap from your bar over to mine, when I catch you. Let go of my hands now.” Ethan did as he was told, watching as Mark reached for his hands in a different way, this time intertwining their fingers. “ _This_ is _not_ how you’re going to hold my hands. It provides no support for the wrist and you’ll easily snap them when you swing.” Ethan’s eyes widened at the thought of his wrists snapping just for a simple mix-up. “Glad I decided we practice down here first, huh?” Mark questioned. Ethan nodded slowly, not knowing if he was supposed to let go of Mark’s hands. 

Finally, Mark did it himself. “Now, there are other ways you’ll be expected to hold my hand, considering in some of them I won’t be facing you, but we won’t try any of that.” He hummed softly, reaching down to Ethan’s forearm. “ _This_ is what I will do in a performance if you jump to quickly or if I fumble to grab your hands. This doesn’t provide much support for you, but it helps you from not plummeting to your death.” Ethan nodded, looking up at Mark, their eyes meeting. Mark looked down at him simply, reached for his hands again, holding them firmly in his own, their gaze not parting. “This is starting position, can you remember that?” Ethan nodded slowly. “Good.” He let go of one of his hands.

“Sometimes our stunts require us to only hold one of our partner’s hands, which is what I call second position,” Mark continued. Ethan nodded, looking up at him, almost mesmerized. “Grip my hand tighter,” he said, Ethan obeying as he squeezed his hand firmer. “You need to have a strong grip in order to not fall,” he explained. Soon, Mark was holding Ethan’s hand in both of his. “If I believe that you’re going to fall, I’ll reach for your hand to prevent you from dropping. Then, we’ll return to starting position, despite what the stunt requires from us.” Ethan forced his eyes away, looking at their hands instead as he nodded. “Look back up at me,” Mark said firmly. The young man swallowed thickly, glancing back up at him. “In a trapeze performance, your attention must always be focused on your partner. Not at the audience, not at the height…only at the person in front of you. You have to place your trust in them.”

“I trust you just fine,” Ethan said, his voice soft as he looked up at Mark. Mark looked down at him simply, sucking in a small breath before exhaling. “Do you trust me?”

“Not yet,” Mark replied simply. “Not with my life, at least.” He reached for Ethan’s hand finally, pausing as he tried to regain his thoughts. “In most cases, we will end the performance in starting position.” Ethan nodded, holding Mark’s hands firmly, noticing how the older man pulled his eyes away, letting go of his hands. “And that’s all you need to know about that for now,” he said finally, resting his hands on his hips. Ethan nodded, pulling himself to his feet. He took a small breath, glancing up at the trapeze again. “You’ll be there soon,” Mark assured him. Ethan glanced back over his shoulder, noticing how Mark was looking at him seriously. “Just not yet.” He hummed. “Wanna continue practicing?” Ethan smiled a bit, hesitantly nodding his head.

“Okay,” Mark continued. “Come here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post a chapter that was longer than the rest, so here you go. It's not longer by much, but hopefully, it's enough. I'm glad that I finally started to show what practice was like, and I'm really looking forward to continuing this fic while I plot out another one. 
> 
> Thank you guys for all the support! I love reading your comments :)


	8. We're The Lucky Ones

Ethan hummed softly, leaning on the ladder of the trapeze as he stared all the way up; fifty feet in the air. He could only imagine how the breeze must have startled anyone on the platform, that was for sure. He hooked his arms in between the rungs of the ladder, which was nailed tightly into the structure, all the way up. It wasn’t going anywhere. Ethan let out a content sigh, tilting his head back as he looked up at the sky, humming as he watched the clouds roll by. The sky was mesmerizing and welcoming and the sun warm. The young man couldn’t remember the last time he had truly enjoyed a day in the sun. For the most part, life on the run rarely provided him comfort. The only thing it managed to give him was the ability to trust in people, regardless of their background, because he knew well enough that trusting people could be the only thing that would excel him forward in life. Sure enough, he was right, and he had ended up where he was currently…a new member of a traveling circus, his dreams finally starting to come true for once.

Ethan lowered himself into a sitting position, still gripping one of the rungs to the ladder as he noticed the sun following its path to the horizon line, finally starting its descent so the sky could be filled with vibrant warm colors. It had been too long since Ethan had taken the time to step outside and watch the sunset in the distance. Usually, he would find himself doing things of little importance, but for once in his life, he had found the time, and he knew he wouldn’t waste a second. So he took his time, staring off and watching the horizon line start to fill with a dull, faded purple, as if the cerulean blue was being sucked from the sky. The young man let out a content sigh, gripping the rung a bit tighter. He didn’t care how long he would have to wait, even if it meant the world grew dark and cold…he would wait until the sky was bare from blue and replaced with midnight black and an assortment of stars. The young man knew well enough that stargazing would become his new favorite thing…it was calming; peaceful. It reminded him of home, because Ethan knew those stars were the same stars he would be able to see from his front porch, back in Pennsylvania. 

Reluctantly, Ethan let go of the rung, fully leaning his back against the chestnut wood of the ladder. His heart beat steadily in his chest, his eyes dull and gazing into the distance. The young brunette ran his hand through the grass, letting out a soft exhale, a smile creeping onto his face. This was everything he could have dreamed of and more…the ability to relax outside in the sun without worrying about things he would have to do later; the breeze blowing through his hair and the world almost welcoming him. The train ride had certainly been worth this…every second of it. Even the parts where he. cried, or the parts where he felt scared, or the parts where his heart ached because he felt as if he had made the wrong decision. The young man knew well enough to know that he had made the _right_ choice. He was destined for this. Somewhere in the stars that would come out that night would be his destiny, even if he couldn’t see it, and Ethan just knew it was the truth. He wouldn’t ever wake up.

“Enjoying the sunset?” Ethan heard someone question. He glanced away from the sky quickly, almost surprised to see Mark standing a few feet away from him, his hands on his hips as he too was staring at the sky. He hadn’t quite expected Mark to come back from his tent, but he assumed the older man would want to see the stars just as much as he did. Ethan drew his eyes away from the older brunette, refocusing his full attention to the sky, longing for the sky to fade to the deep ruby color he was so fond of. After a few seconds, the young man finally nodded his head in response to Mark’s question, although he wasn’t so sure that Mark would be able to see.

“Yes,” he said aloud, giving another quick nod. “I’ve never really taken the time to watch the sunset,” Ethan admitted hesitantly, cocking his head slightly as he kept his eyes locked on the horizon. “I was always too busy trying to stay alive and think of ways I could get paid and afford rent, and everything in my life…” the boy sighed, “…that I never found the time to do something I considered so trivial.” Ethan chuckled softly. “But the more that I look at it, the more I realize that I’ve missed out on a masterpiece every single day of my life, and that it doesn’t take much to just sit down and let the world around you continue to move…but from your point of view, time just stands still. The only thing that moves is the sun, and you get to watch the colors fade and then reappear in vibrant arrays… _golden and peachy_.” The young man smiled, glancing at Mark, who wore a calm smile as he looked off at the sky. “Do you watch the sunset every night?” He question.

“Not _every_ night,” Mark admitted, shrugging his shoulders as he kept his eyes fixed on the horizon, “but surely more often than you.” Ethan chuckled softly. “I’m sure that I’ve taken it for granted once in my life…I always just prefer moonlight.”

“Why the moonlight?” Ethan asked softly, looking to Mark, but this time he didn’t look back to the sky. Mark smiled simply, his gaze tied to the sky.

“Because everything looks beautiful in the moonlight,” Mark admitted. “Even the things that make you scared or nervous.” He thought about it a bit more. “And maybe because the moonlight is always paired with the stars…and everything else just stands as a silhouette among a bleak sky, to the point where it’s a black abyss among twinkling light.” He let out a content sigh. “Sometimes,” he admitted, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, “I forget about sleeping in a cot and I just lay out here in the grass, looking up at the stars. You can get lost for hours out here; your eyes dancing across constellations, the moonlight welcoming you…it’s almost mesmerizing.” Mark stifled his laughter as he continued. “And who knows…maybe I’ll accidentally stumble across my destiny up there. Wouldn’t that be something? Just looking up at the stars and being able to figure out everything about yourself, even the things you didn’t know? The secrets of life you were soon to uncover, and the secrets about yourself that others held from you…and they could be all up there and no one would ever know, because no one thinks to spend a second looking at the stars.” He shrugged.

“We’re the lucky ones, remember?” Ethan reminded him softly, his heart fluttering happily in his chest by the presence of someone he wanted to consider a friend. “The lucky ones who get spared the time to look up at the sky…and just admire everything that we see. We don’t need to worry about paying bills, or love, or death, or fear. We live in the moment; that’s what makes us the lucky ones.” Mark looked down at the grass as he smiled, glancing at Ethan out of the corner of his eye. “And we can be lucky forever…just as long as we don’t wake up,” he whispered, his words soft and meaningful, his voice light and airy. “And we don’t ever have to wake up…” The two of them remained where they were in silence, but Ethan could feel his heart beating in his chest as he stared off at the sun, the wind whipping against his ear and through his hair, but he didn’t mind. He enjoyed the company of the breeze. Ethan exhaled lightly, tilting his head back further to look up at the sky above him. _We’re the lucky ones_ , he repeated in his head, the words stuck like a symphony. 

“So many people say that luck is for the weak,” Mark said finally, smiling softly as he glanced over his shoulder back at Ethan, who continued looking back up at the sky. “But I think luck is awarded to people who deserve it the most, and have worked hard enough to need it more than others.” Ethan smiled up at the sky.

“Well, if luck is for the weak, I’m one weary bastard,” Ethan replied simply, noticing how Mark chuckled happily. “My entire life somehow managed to turn around in the span of one day, and I went from walking lonesome in the streets to sitting underneath the sun in a field…underneath a _trapeze_ , and talking to a member of a traveling circus.” He laughed softly at his own comment, shaking his head almost belief. “And the member of the traveling circus is supposedly the best at what he does, and I’m lucky enough to be his _partner_.” He glanced at Mark, smiling sheepishly. “And he’s unlucky enough to be mine.” There was a small silence again between the two of them as Ethan allowed himself to relax again against the wood of the ladder, which wasn’t exactly comfortable, but the young man managed it just fine. Ethan would long for the day where he got to climb to the top and put his trust into Mark, but he supposed that Mark wasn’t quite ready for that yet. 

“I love it here…” Ethan whispered softly, his voice true as he closed his eyes, feeling _happy_ for what seemed to be the first time in so long. He had tried so hard to be happy, but nothing ever seemed to make him feel content…to make it feel like he could fit in. That was why he had almost done something downright sinful back at his house…would have taken the only life he ever knew and stripped it from himself. But now that he was finally here, his heart was content. Ethan could be happy again here, he just knew it. “And I know that every week I’m here will soon become the best weeks of my life. The best moments of my life will her here, I already know it, and I’m not going to waste a second.” He smiled, staring into nothing but the darkness of his eyelids and feeling _home_. This was his new home, Ethan knew that well enough. “I don’t ever wanna leave…”

After a few seconds, the boy opened his eyes, surprised that Mark was even still standing there…surprised that he could have been bothered enough to listen. But it made him happy…it made Ethan smile. Mark wasn’t paying Ethan himself any attention, but he listened to what he had to say as he stared off into the distance, most likely thinking of something himself. Ethan paused, looking down at his hands as he pushed them gently between the blades of grass, feeling them move gingerly against his fingertips and the palms of his hands. “Thank you,” he said softly, biting his lip as he glanced at Mark. He noticed how the older man glanced back over his shoulder, obviously confused by the statement. Ethan gave a half-smile as he looked down at his hands. “For listening to me instead of telling me to shut up,” Ethan continued. “All I ever do is talk, and almost everyone in my life would rather ignore me or tell me to stop talking because they can’t put up with me talking…but you listen. I don’t know why you listen, and I’m sure it’s because you have nothing better to do, but it’s just nice, you know?” He shrugged, hesitant to say anymore. There was a long silence between the two of them.

“I like hearing to you talk,” Mark admitted, shrugging his shoulders. “Every second there’s something different that you’re talking about. Kind of like the children I used to know at the other circus.” He smiled, thinking for a few seconds. “There was this one boy you remind me of…Joseph. He was six or seven at the time, he couldn’t have been that old. He did a tricycle act with some of the ring master’s dogs. Mild, you know? He would always talk about the darnedest things…like what if the sky was green, or what if the sun didn’t come up? That’s all Joseph would talk about.” He chuckled softly, shaking his head as he looked off into the distance…Ethan’s heart sunk in his chest. His smile and eyes were anything but happy, and he watched as the man’s face dropped in front of him. Something bad had happened to the boy, Ethan knew that well enough, but he wouldn’t pry. Part of him didn’t even want to know what had happened with Mark in the previous circus…it sounded awful. “He was a good kid,” Mark continued softly, his voice hushed.

Ethan watched as Mark took a deep breath, his face returning to the same blank expression that it always seemed to be in. The young man watched as the sun continued to set down to the horizon, and he couldn’t help but feel at ease. He closed his eyes again, whistling softly into the breeze and smiling between breaths. However, he opened his eyes when he felt the sound of grass rustling beside him. The young man glanced over, flinching slightly when he noticed Mark sitting a foot away from him, his eyes still fixed on the sky. The older man chuckled when he realized he had startled his partner, but he didn’t say anything more. Ethan hummed, looking down at his hands shyly, braiding the blades of grass that were close to him. 

“Mark?” Ethan asked softly, even though they were the only ones sitting outside. Mark hummed in return, waiting for a question. “Can you tell me again what it feels like to be up on the trapeze? To be swinging from so high above the ground?” Ethan shifted so that his body was more facing Mark, and he leaned back his hands, no longer using the support of the ladder behind him. Mark smiled, thinking for a few seconds, almost as if he was wondering whether or not he should tell him.

“It really feels like you’re flying,” Mark admitted, glancing up at the trapeze longingly. “So many trapeze artists say they just worry about falling constantly…but a true trapeze artist doesn’t think about that. The only thing I think about when I’m up in the air is how I can feel the wind blowing with and against me, almost at the same time, and how the world seems to move in slow motion whenever I leap from one bar to the other. Your heart is pounding, yet you’re relaxed at the same time. You allow the trapeze to move you, and whenever you leap off of it…you feel so complete when you stick the landing.” He chuckled softly. “You have never felt excitement, Ethan, until you leap from your bar, your heart pounding in your chest as you reach your hands out and I catch you…and then you find yourself souring through the sky.” Ethan smiled contently, his heart fluttering at the thought. “And you’ve never lived until you flip through the air, or hoist yourself to sit on the bar and you just get to be calm for a few seconds before the routine continues…you get to enjoy the world from fifty feet in the air, and look down at the audience as they look back up to you with a mesmerized expression. They look at you like you’re something out of this world…and they’ll look at you the same, Ethan. When they see you, they won’t see someone who talks to much or someone who can’t focus. They’ll see someone who was lucky enough and talented enough to fly.”

Ethan gave a watery smile as he thought about it. “I never thought I would be able to fly,” he whispered softly, letting out another content sigh as he leaned back on his hands again. “I mean, never once in my life did I think I was going to be a trapeze artist…but I guess I’m starting to figure out that life seems to take you where you least expect it.” He smiled, chuckling softly. “Maybe I should look at the stars more often,” he joked, tilting his head slightly so that his ear was almost pressed against his shoulder. “The only time I ever bothered to look at them was yesterday night in the boxcar…” he smiled, thinking back to the friendly moment he and Mark had shared. Mark nodded simply. “I’d like to think that this is just a new life I’m starting…” Ethan breathed out, sighing contently. “That nothing existed before I joined the circus, and I can live like a new person and forget everything I did to get to this point. Maybe my new life started when I climbed out of the boxcar.”

“You think so?” Mark joked. Ethan chuckled softly, nodding.

“Yeah,” Ethan replied softly, shifting as he continued braiding the grass. “I think so.” The young man smiled, unraveling the grass he had braided before leaning against the ladder. “What’s on the agenda for tomorrow?” He questioned, rolling his head over so he was looking at Mark. “More rules?” He joked. Mark chuckled softly, rolling his eyes as he glanced to Ethan.

“ _No_ ,” he replied, shifting. “Practice.”

“On the trapeze?” Ethan asked hopefully.

“Not a chance,” Mark replied. “You’re not skilled enough to know what you’re supposed to do when you go on a trapeze. The best thing to do is to practice your floor acrobatics, because those are going to come in handy when you eventually find yourself on a trapeze. Simple things like flips, whether they be backward or forward, as well as working on your splits should be beneficial. If you’re not up at the right time in the morning, I’ll wake you. Practice shouldn’t take long. When we’re finished, you can go watch the acrobats practice their routine. I’m sure they’ll be doing a _lot_ of that since we’re going to be here for two months.” Ethan nodded hesitantly. They were there for two months because of _him_ …but he didn’t mention it. It was best to forget it. “Well…I think I’m gonna head to bed,” he admitted, glancing up at the sky and noticing how although the sun wasn’t yet hidden behind the horizon, the sky was getting darker. It was also getting noticeably colder, due to the lack of warmth. Ethan tried his best not to shiver though. He didn’t want to leave until the sun had set…maybe even past then. Maybe not at all. 

Mark pulled himself to his feet, brushing himself off and pausing for a few seconds. He looked down at Ethan for a few seconds. “Aren’t you coming?” He questioned, wrinkling his nose with confusion. Ethan thought about it for a few seconds before shaking his head. “Well, I suggest getting back to the tent soon. It gets pretty cold out here once the sun sets.” 

“I think I’m gonna sleep out here,” Ethan replied, smiling softly. “I’ve always wanted to sleep under the stars…and now I’ve got my chance.” He grinned proudly. “Besides, surely it can’t be too bad out here. We’re not _that_ far north. It’s surely not Alaska.” Mark looked down at him simply, shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he folded his arms, wearing a serious expression as he cocked his eyebrow slightly. Ethan simply glanced at him before paying him no attention, resting his hands behind his head as he bent his elbows, letting out a content sigh as he proceeded to enjoy the last bit of warmth that the sun would provide for the night. He didn’t care if he didn’t have a blanket. “I’ll catch up with you tomorrow morning,” he continued.

“You’re going to freeze out here,” Mark said sternly, gesturing his head back to the tent. “You’re coming back with me.”

“I’m not your slave,” Ethan said clearly, sucking in a small breath as he looked up at Mark with annoyance. “You don’t _own me_.” Mark looked down at Ethan, wrinkling his nose before rolling his eyes. He didn’t know where Ethan’s sudden confidence boost had come from, but he didn’t appreciate it. Nevertheless, Mark didn’t bother arguing with him. He wouldn’t give the young man the satisfaction. Instead, he gave a justified nod, agreeing with what Ethan had to say.

“Yeah, sure thing,” Mark replied sardonically, almost in a scoffing manner as he looked down at Ethan, frustrated and annoyed. “Have fun freezing to death out here. And don’t come crying to me when you wake up and can’t feel your hands, because I’ll only remind you that I _told you so_.” The older man took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair as he looked down at Ethan, angry just for the sake of being angry. “I don’t trust you with my life because I can’t even trust you to follow me back to a tent without wanting to stay out in the cold,” he continued firmly, trying to get his point across. Mark stood there for a few more seconds, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to ramble on, but he just couldn’t. He had run out of things to say. After a few seconds of looking like a fish, he turned on his heels and marched back toward his tent, leaving Ethan to lay in the grass tiredly. The young man thought for a few seconds about whether or not he should reluctantly follow Mark back to the tent, but he decided against it. He wouldn’t give the older male the satisfaction.

Ethan sunk down into the grass, curling up into a small ball, biting his lip. The older man was right…it was cold. Nevertheless, he wasn’t the type to give up so quickly, so he knew well enough he wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon. He would stay out there the entire night, simple as that…just to prove Mark wrong. Ethan shivered slightly, closing his eyes and forcing himself to relax. _Just you wait_ , he thought, his mind trailing off somewhere distant as he laid in the grass for a few more minutes. And, reluctantly, his body finally drifted off with his mind and Ethan found himself asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!  
> Thank you so much for your support!
> 
> I just wanted to quickly address that this fic will be a bit on the longer side, considering their relationship develops as one would normally in real life. I'm trying to avoid the cliché love at first sight bit, at least for this specific fanfiction. I am currently plotting out others, but none will be released until "Fifty Feet in the Air" is finished.  
> I promise you will get to see more of their practices, performances, as well as the plot progressing. There is an overarching plot, believe it or not, which just happens to be filled with smaller details.
> 
> As always, I appreciate Kudos and Comments because I love reading and responding to them. For now, I'm glad to have pushed out 2 chapters on the same day, especially ones that help deepen the plot instead of fillers. 
> 
> Thank you again,  
> Simply


	9. Liar, Liar

Unlike when he fell asleep, Ethan didn’t quite remember waking up. It seemed like it would be the opposite for most people, considering falling asleep as more natural, but not for him. The young man was still too tired to take sense anything, but he found himself being enveloped by warmth as he turned onto his side, his eyes remaining closed as he tried to fall back to sleep. Ethan didn’t really have any intention of getting up until Mark came outside to get him, he knew that well enough. The young man wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of marching over to the tent to announce that he was ready. He would sleep for as long as he wanted. Ethan continued breathing quietly. Well, at least he had made it through the night. The young man had first been a bit skeptical of whether or not he would actually freeze to death, and he truly had considered Mark’s warning…but he ultimately decided that staying outside would be the best decision for him. Although, he didn’t quite get to stay awake long enough to watch the sun completely set, which had been his original intention of staying outside.

Nevertheless, Ethan was alive and content, and surprisingly hadn’t frozen to death. He smiled, proud of himself as he rolled onto his back. However, as he did this, he found himself becoming more aware of his surroundings. He wasn’t laying on the grass anymore, he knew that well enough. The air wasn’t as cold and crisp as it was outside, and the young brunette could feel something wrapped around him. Reluctantly, although he would have rather spent the rest of the morning relaxing, Ethan opened his eyes and slowly sat up. He rubbed his eyes, blinking away the blur of drowsiness as he looked around the room, utterly confused as to where he was. For a few seconds, all he could do was stare and attempt to take in where he was, because it certainly wasn’t outside.

After a few seconds, Ethan realized. He was back in the tent. The young man looked down at himself, realizing he was still wearing his outfit from the day before, but now he was lying in his designated cot, covered with three blankets. Ethan ran a hand through his messy hair, utterly confused. Mark must have brought him back while he was sleeping. The young man sighed, laying back down in his cot and pulling the blankets up to his shoulder again. He wouldn’t complain, although he had wished Mark had trusted him enough to let him sleep outside. Nevertheless, Ethan closed his eyes, listening to the soft sound of Mark breathing from the other cot, which was only a few feet away. After a few seconds, however, the young man became restless, and he only found himself sitting up again, longing to just race outside of the tent and practice. But he couldn’t. He had to wait for Mark. Whatever they did, they did together; at least, that was what Mark had told him.

Ethan looked down at the three blankets he had, smiling softly. He glanced over to Mark, the older man’s back facing him as he continued sleeping. He only had one blanket. Ethan gave a watery smile as he looked down at the three he had, pulling one of them off. The young man didn’t need all three, considering he was awake now; it would only be selfish to keep all of them. Ethan shifted, standing up from his cot and dragging the blanket behind him before he draped it carefully over Mark, giving a half-smile before he returned to his cot. The young man remained silent for a few seconds, throwing the blankets over himself again before he heard the sound of Mark shifting in his bed, letting out a soft groan as he woke up. Ethan glanced over to him, noticing how the man was blinking a bit, looking up at the ceiling as he gave a smile.

“If you’re going to give me a blanket, you might as well tuck me in,” Mark joked, glancing over at Ethan, who looked down at his hands with embarrassment. Mark pulled himself into a sitting position, yawning softly as he ran his hand through his hair, leaning back on his free hand. Nevertheless, the older man repositioned the second blanket, humming softly.

“I could have managed,” Ethan mentioned. Mark glanced at him, confused as to what he was talking about. “I could have managed outside,” he explained, gesturing his head to the exit of the tent. “I fell asleep just fine, and I could have managed on my own. You didn’t need to move me in here.” Mark rolled his eyes in return, giving him a sardonic look as if to ask if he was serious. “What?” Ethan scoffed.

“You were quite literally _shaking_ when I went outside,” Mark replied simply. “Lord only knows how much your heart rate dropped, and you _easily_ could have died if I left you out there for the rest of the night.” Ethan frowned. “So, I obviously did the only sane thing and I brought you back to the tent, and I gave you a blanket because you looked like you were going to fucking _die_.” The man paused, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re _welcome_ , by the way,” he continued. “I mean, the last thing I expected to wake up to was you telling me you could have survived out in the freezing cold, even though we both know well enough that you couldn’t, but thanks for that.” Ethan remained silent. “So excuse me if I don’t want a partner who can’t use his hands because he got frostbite, or because he’s fucking _dead_.” Ethan glanced up at Mark, his eyes softening against the older man’s cold expression. “Don’t give me that look.”

“Thank you,” Ethan managed finally. Mark rolled his eyes. “What, so now you don’t want it?”

“ _No_ , I don’t want your half-assed gratitude,” the older man replied as-a-matter-of-factly, his face scrunched up slightly before he let out a heavy sigh. “Look, I get that you must have wanted to _prove something_ but forcing yourself to stay outside for the night, but I honestly don’t care that you were stupid enough to risk your life for getting the satisfaction of being right. Use your head, because the next time you do something stupid like that, I won’t be marching outside to bring you back to the tent. I’ll let you freeze out there, and I won’t care because I don’t want a partner anyway.” Ethan frowned for a few seconds, thinking silently before he found himself sitting at the edge of the cot, looking at Mark from across the tent. He shook his head simply.

“I won’t do it again,” Ethan mentioned simply, pausing. “But even if I did…you would bring me back inside.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Mark scoffed, rolling his eyes, but Ethan shook his head again.

“You would,” Ethan insisted. “If you didn’t want a partner and you didn’t care about what happened to me, you would have left me outside the first time. You said yourself last night that you didn’t care what happened to me, yet here I am waking up in the tent because you cared enough to go outside last night and get me. You tried as _much_ as you could to say something bad about me, but you just couldn’t.” Mark furrowed his eyebrows, finding himself sitting at the edge of his bed as he looked back at Ethan with a serious, warning expression. Ethan chose to ignore it. “You talked about how you couldn’t trust me because I did stuff like that, but you couldn’t think of anything else. You just _wanted_ to be angry with me…just for the sake of being angry.”

“I was angry with you because you weren’t being rational,” Mark retorted sharply. “Now I suggest that you stop trying to prove whatever point you’re trying to prove, because it isn’t worth your time and you’re only wasting your breath. I came back out to get you because I would have been reprimanded for allowing you to sleep outside by yourself in the cold, and I knew well enough there would be legal matters arising if I didn’t do anything. We could have been sued because of you, and that’s just the truth. So despite how you’re trying to distort this to make it seemed like I did it for _you_ is out of the question, and anyone in the ensemble could assure you that I would never do anything like that just to benefit someone else. I did it because I can’t have a partner that’s _dead_.” Ethan simply chuckled.

“You see, but that isn’t the whole truth,” the young man insisted, leaning forward as he looked at Mark seriously. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of winning this. He got up from his cot, walking over to Mark and leaning over him, a smug look on his face. Mark looked back up at him, seeming frustrated and pissed off. “You’re just like everyone else in the world, Mark. You think you can just fool everyone by making it seem like you want to be shut off from the world, but you’re like everyone else on the inside; you just want another friend, because you know that no one else here would be willing to, and it’s all because you’ve acted like a douchebag to them for your entire stay. But now, you _finally_ have someone new who you’re trying to win over as a friend by ‘being yourself’,” Ethan paused. “But I think we both know well enough that the real you is the type of guy to watch the stars with someone, or talk about the sunset, or bring someone inside because they don’t want them to die…not the kind who makes orders and bosses people around.”

“You really think so?” Mark scoffed, furrowing his eyebrows as he looked up at Ethan.

“I know so,” Ethan insisted. 

“Get changed,” Mark snapped roughly, gesturing his head over to Ethan’s suitcase. “That’s an order.” Ethan simply rolled his eyes. He wasn’t buying any of this. “Don’t make me repeat it,” the man continued lowly, his teeth clenched as he spoke, his eyes flickering with frustration. Ethan swallowed thickly.

“You know I’m telling the truth,” Ethan insisted. “You afraid to get close to anyone, which is why you’ve never wanted a partner, because you know that at the end of the day you have to put your trust in someone, and that scares you. But if you just think for a few seconds and come to terms with everyone, you’ll see that-”

Ethan was cut off as Mark’s hand flew across his cheek roughly, a loud crack filling the tent. The young man stumbled backward about a foot, his eyes widening as he looked at Mark, who simply stared back at him with the same fixed expression: a look of frustration and anger, his eyebrows still furrowed and his hands now roughly gripping the edge of the cot. Ethan stood there sheepishly, taking a deep breath as he swallowed thickly, hesitantly resting his hand against his cheek, being rewarded with a stinging sensation and a familiar burning. Ethan didn’t say anything as he looked at Mark, whose eyes had started to soften as he stared back at him. The older man opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t find the right words, so he quickly closed it. Ethan’s shoulders slumped down as they both stared at each other, neither one finding the right words to say. After a few seconds, Mark let out a heavy sigh, shaking his head in disbelief.

“What?” Ethan asked weakly.

“Just…” Mark started, his voice trailing off. “Just get changed.” The older man sighed as he stood up, biting his lip as he made his way over to the exit of the tent. However, he stopped, his back still facing Ethan as he spoke. “I’m sorry,” he managed finally, taking a deep breath as he thought for a few seconds. The man pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. “Really, Ethan…I’m sorry.” Ethan looked down at his hands, not sure how he was supposed to respond, considering his partner wasn’t even facing him. “I should have just-”

“It’s fine,” Ethan interrupted simply, shrugging his shoulders as he sat back down on his cot, resting his elbows on his knees as he watched Mark tense up slightly. “It didn’t hurt that much.”

“ _Not_ for hitting you,” Mark admitted, glancing over his left shoulder and looking back at Ethan sympathetically. Ethan raised an eyebrow, fixing his posture as he looked back at Mark. “For lying to you.”

“About what?”

“Not wanting a friend…” Mark breathed out, giving a weak smile as he looked down at his feet. Ethan’s expression remained blank, but he was smiling on the inside. Beaming, one could even say. All it took was to adit it. Finally, the older man cleared his throat. “Um, get dressed,” he stammered, gesturing his head over to Ethan’s suitcase before he left the tent. The young man remained on his cot for a few seconds, smiling sheepishly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter. The next one is going to be on the longer side, so I didn't want this one to drag on forever. I'm glad you guys are enjoying it so far, and I'm so glad I'm able to update as often as I do. Thank you guys for your support and, as always, Kudos and Comments are appreciated! 
> 
> Thank you!  
> \- Simply


	10. All He Needed

Ethan remained on his cot for a few more seconds, thinking about what Mark had said and what he himself had said. The young man sighed, pushing a hand through his hair. He supposed he himself had been a bit of a dick to his partner, considering the older man had been kind enough to bring him inside and away from the cold. Although Ethan still wasn’t exactly certain that he would have _died_ …it was hospitable. And the young man hadn’t exactly repaid him for it, considering the first thing he mentioned was how he could have managed it himself…and now that he thought it over, the young man wasn’t entirely sure. Ethan let out a groan of frustration. He knew well enough that everything wasn’t exactly _ruined_ , but his chances of becoming friends with Mark weren’t exactly _heightened_ either, considering Mark had hit him. The young man shook away the thought. He deserved it. He had gotten in Mark’s space…gotten in his head.

Ethan gave a reluctant sigh as he pulled himself from his cot, reaching over for his suitcase. He placed it gingerly on the blankets, opening it and searching for something he could wear. The young man frowned when he didn’t see anything that would exactly work when it came to floor acrobatics, considering most of his suitcase was made up of miscellaneous clothes that he had managed to pack in a fit of grabbing things and stuffing them inside. He sighed. The young man couldn’t exactly do anything in a _suit_ , that was for sure…but he most certainly wasn’t just going to practice in what he was currently wearing, considering he had both slept in it _and_ practiced in it yesterday. Ethan glanced around the room, his eyes flickering then he noticed clothes folded carefully at the foot of the bed. He shoved his suitcase to the side, walking over carefully and reaching for them. He unfolded the first carefully, smiling when he noticed a leotard and tights. They looked a bit old, and were probably worn before, but they seemed clean. Ethan changed quickly, eager to start practice. The more he learned, the closer he would be to getting to the trapeze, he was sure of that.

“Um, knock knock?” Someone questioned from outside. Ethan flinched, looking up from his suitcase. It wasn’t Mark, Ethan knew that well enough. And it wasn’t Walter either. “Can I come in?” The young man swallowed thickly.

“Yeah, sure,” he said hesitantly, sitting down on his cot. The young man smiled when he noticed Sean poking his head inside the tent. “Hi, Jack,” Ethan said, grinning. Sean gave a wave in return, hesitantly stepping inside. “If you’re looking for Mark, he already left to go to the trapeze,” Ethan mentioned, gesturing his head outside the tent and giving a small shrug. “If he’s a little upset over something, it’s probably my fault,” he continued, shrugging his shoulders as he leaned back on his hands. Sean gave a simple not, glancing around the tent before he cleared his throat, Ethan moving to the edge of the cot eagerly.

“No, I’m not looking for Mark,” Sean chuckled, shaking his head. “I just wanted to let you know that even though Mark can _seem_ like a total asshole at times…he’s really nice once you get to know him.” Sean shrugged, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “And I’m sure you’re doubting that, especially considering how you mentioned he’s upset with you currently, but I don’t think he has anything against you. Don’t tell him I told you this, but I really do think that he wants to get close with you. You know, be your friend and all? He never really wanted to do that with his last partner. Mark hated her guts…but he doesn’t hate you, and I know that seems confusing considering that’s all he ever seems to tell anyone…but he doesn’t. I’m not saying he’s ready to start opening up to the idea of him being your friend…it’s just that, well, Mark is weird like that. Really closed off, you know? I’ve known him my entire time here, and I still hardly know anything about him or where he came from. He never talks about it much. If you just give him time to open up to you, you’ll realize that he’s not as bad as he seems.” Ethan gave a weak smile and a justified nod.

“Well, I guess that’s all of my rambling,” Sean admitted, shrugging his shoulders as he took a step toward the exit of the tent. “Hope I didn’t bother you too much…you look like you’re ready for practice.”

Ethan nodded, gesturing his head to the pile of leotards and tights. “Yeah,” he hummed, looking down at what I was wearing. “The tights are a bit loose, but it’s manageable. I don’t know how they managed to find something for me so fast.” He chuckled softly. “I like the colors, though… _vibrant_.” Sean cocked his head slightly as he looked at the pile, smiling.

“Ay, those are Mark’s old costumes,” Sean mentioned, chuckling softly as he rested his hands on his hips. “He must have been a bit younger than you when he wore those. Walter was telling me that how Mark loved wearing obscurely vibrant colors when he was younger…now all he likes is his darks shades of blue, black, and purple. Or white. Sometimes he wears white, but only on occasions.” Sean shrugged. Ethan smiled.

“Like moonlight,” he whispered.

“What’s that?” Sean questioned.

“Nothing, just talking to myself,” Ethan replied, shrugging as he looked down at his bright blue costume. “I couldn’t imagine Mark wearing this even if I wanted to,” he joked, smiling. “Blue’s my favorite color though, so I just had to pick it.” Sean smiled.

“My favorite color’s always been green,” Sean mentioned, shrugging his shoulders. He paused, taking a deep breath before smiling simply. “Well, I hope you have fun at practice,” he mentioned. “I could never go all the way to the top, you know? Too afraid. I guess it takes guts to climb up that ladder and to just leap for the bar and hope your partner catches you…I’ve seen Mark do it too many times on his own. He’s quite good, but it’s far too dangerous, considering he puts the acrobats in charge of pushing the bars out at the right time. I never did it for him. I was always afraid I would push it out too late and he would miss it completely…and plummet to his death.” Sean swallowed thickly, finally saying nothing as he glanced at Ethan. “Have fun,” he repeated turning to exit.

“Jack?” Ethan asked quickly, watching as Sean paused. “Do you think you could maybe, I don’t know, ask Mark if he likes me…as a person.” He swallowed thickly. “I understand what you said. And everything, and I’m trying not to ignore that…but every time he seems to open up to me, I always manage to find a way and mess it up. I’m not really good at making friends…I’ve never really had any before. Not recently, at least. I had one or two when I was younger, but making friends when you’re younger is easier than when you’re older. When you’re older, you become more afraid, you know? Because everything that didn’t matter when you were a child suddenly matters…and the world is just more judgmental of who you are, and who you want to be, and what your worth is. Society thinks they get to decide what I get to be…” his voice trailed off. “So I had to run away.”

Sean gave a half-smile. “I’ll make sure to work it into a conversation if I can,” he joked.

“Thanks, Jack.”

Sean nodded in return. “I’d better get going,” he mentions, humming under his breath. “I guess I should be with the other acrobats for practice now, but I just wanted to stop by and let you know. And who knows, maybe you can come ask Mark if you can watch us practice. The routine we’re working on is _headline-worthy_ , the truth and all.” Sean gave one last smile before he slipped out of the tent. Ethan hummed softly, smiling as he left the tent after. He glanced to his right, grinning when he saw the trapeze in the distance, his eyes widening when he realized one of the bars swinging back and forth. _Mark was up there_. Ethan grinned happily, mustering the urge to bound over with excitement, racing across the grass. The young man’s eyes lit up with wonder as he watched Mark from below, drawing nearer within the second. It was amazing…it was _mesmerizing_. Part of him didn’t even want to blink, just in case he missed something. So he didn’t blink. Suddenly, he found himself standing at the bottom of the trapeze, and he didn’t even blink. He just watched, his heart pounding heavily in his chest, almost as if he himself was the one soaring through the air.

Ethan watched with intense interest, his eyes flickering with excitement as Mark hoisted himself up onto the bar, his legs dangling over the side as he sat on it like a chair, looking down. The older man gave a half-smile when he noticed Ethan. “Look who decided to show up!” He shouted down to him, gripping the thin, yet sturdy, ropes of the trapeze bar as he looked down below. Ethan could barely find the words to speak as he looked up in awe. “Ready for practice?”

“Yeah!” Ethan called up to him. “But part of me thinks it would be easier if you got on the ground first!” Ethan could hear Mark’s laughter from all the way on the ground, although he knew it was fainter due to the distance. He watched in interest as Mark stood up on the trapeze bar, balancing carefully as he held onto the ropes. Ethan took a hesitant step back, watching as Mark let go of the ropes and leaned backward, falling down from the trapeze. The young brunette yelped slightly as he jumped back, watching as Mark landed in the net in front of him, rebounding by a few feet before he landed again. “You couldn’t have warned me before you decide to plummet down from the sky?” He questioned, half-joking and half-serious as he looked at Mark nervously, who was laying on his back and grinning like a madman. “Seriously!” Ethan insisted.

“Oh, don’t be such a baby,” Mark joked, standing up from the net before hopping down, grinning. “I’m a professional, Ethan. I know what I’m doing.” Ethan sighed, giving a simple nod before he looked up at the trapeze bars, noticing how they continued to swing slightly back and forth, not yet remaining still. “Pretty impressive, right?” Mark questioned, following Ethan’s gaze. “I’d like to think so, at least. I would have jumped to the other bar, but none of the acrobats were here and I wouldn’t have been able to reach it.” Ethan nodded in understanding, humming underneath his breath. “Are you okay?” He asked softly. 

“Huh?” Ethan questioned, glancing back to Mark. “Oh, my face?” Mark was silent for a few seconds before hesitantly nodding his head, his expression remaining serious as he rested his hands on his hips. “Yeah, I’m fine. You didn’t hit me that hard.” Mark gave a small nod, clearing his throat as if he had something to say, but he didn’t. Ethan stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, glancing at Mark. “Is it still red?” He questioned hesitantly, wondering if that was the reason Mark had wanted to know so badly. The older male stood there for a few seconds, looking down at his feet before hesitantly nodding his head. It was obvious to Ethan that Mark felt awful sorry for hitting him, although it had made sense at the moment, and Ethan would have slapped himself too if he were in Ethan’s position.

“Yeah,” Mark repeated, clearing his throat. “Still red.” Ethan shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t think I hit you that hard,” he mentioned. Ethan didn’t say anything. “Glad you found your new clothes and everything,” he continued, changing the subject as he gestured his head toward what Ethan was wearing. 

Ethan smiled. “Yeah, thanks for them,” he replied gratefully. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Mark retorted plainly. “I don’t wear vibrant colors. They’re too flashy and they’re ugly.” Ethan rolled his eyes simply.

“I don’t think anyone has the right to be embarrassed about their color choice when they were younger,” Ethan insisted simply. “Besides, Jack told me.” Mark rolled his eyes simply, although he smiled a bit. “This is my favorite shade of blue, actually,” Ethan continued, looking down at what he was wearing. “The tights are a bit big, but besides that it’s fine. Apparently you were a year or two younger than me when you wore these…I guess you were just naturally tall when you. Were young, huh?” Mark shrugged his shoulders before reluctantly nodding. “Well…what are we going to be working on today?” He questioned. 

“ _Not_ actual trapeze work, I’ll tell you that now before you ask,” Mark replied simply. Ethan slumped his shoulders. “And I don’t want any complaints either. I’m in charge, so I get to call the shots. Maybe tomorrow, if you don’t piss me off again beforehand.” Ethan nodded. “Today I was thinking that we were on a bit of the acrobatic moves that you’ll find yourself practicing in the air. It’s best to have them mastered on the ground before you even attempt them on the trapeze; if you’re perfect on the ground, you’re average in the air. That’s how it goes. If you can’t do a perfect backflip on the ground, you’ll never be able to master and land it when you’re on the trapeze and leaping from one bar to the other. You’ll find trapeze practice to be easier when you know everything you’re doing, instead of just jumping into it and learning as you go along.” Ethan sighed, although he reluctantly nodded his head. As much as he wanted to get right onto the trapeze, he knew that Mark was right, as frustrated at it made him.

“Alright,” Mark said simply, taking a step back. “Show me a front flip.” 

Ethan’s eyes widened. “Like…now?” He questioned.

“No, tomorrow,” Mark scoffed. “Yes, now.” Ethan swallowed thickly. “Why, do you have a problem with that?” He questioned, cocking an eyebrow slightly. It became apparent to Ethan that Mark had never seen him perform any acrobatic trick before…and now that he was waiting for him, Ethan could realize how skeptical Mark was of everything…how _doubtful_ he was of his acrobatic abilities. “Ethan,” Mark said softly, his voice gentle as he noticed how the young man stood there motionless for a few seconds. “I understand that you want to be here very very much…and that this has been your dream since you were younger, and that you want to dedicate everything you are to the circus and start fresh…” his voice trailed off as he gave him a sympathetic look. “But if you can’t do acrobatics…we can’t have you here.”

Ethan furrowed his eyebrows. “I can too do acrobatics,” he mentioned. The young man took a deep breath, concentrating for a few seconds as he stared ahead of him. This was going to go one of two ways. He was going to land it like he normally did, and everything would be fine…or he was going to mess it up, and Mark would insist that he didn’t know what he was doing. Obviously, Ethan was praying for the first option. He hesitantly glanced at Mark. The young man didn’t appreciate someone watching him intensely from so close, but he supposed being a trapeze artist would be no different…well, a difference of fifty feet. Finally, the boy took a final breath, swinging his arms back and then forward, leaping backward. He tucked his knees almost as his chest as he flipped backward, holding his breath until he found his feet land firmly on the ground again. Ethan opened his eyes, smiling almost proudly at something he had done so many times before. But this time, he had done it for a purpose…finally, Ethan had a purpose to do what he loved. He glanced over at Mark, whose eyebrows were raised almost with surprise; it was obvious he had doubted him.

Ethan took a deep breath. “I told you I could,” he announced breathlessly, grinning happily. Mark cocked an eyebrow, crossing his arms as he looked at him, a small smile creeping on his face.

“Again,” Mark said.

Ethan glanced at him. “Again?” He questioned. “But I just did one perfectly.”

“Again,” Mark repeated, his voice more serious this time. “One doesn’t become a perfect trapeze artist by doing someone only once and expecting it to work when they’re in the air.” Ethan frowned. “Do it again and I’ll let you go on the trapeze tomorrow.” The young man’s eyes lit up with excitement, a grin spreading across his face. He nodded his head quickly, looking forward. Ethan took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he did what he had previously done again, landing with a grin. After a few seconds, he stood up completely, opening his eyes and glancing at Mark, who gave a half-grin in return, somewhat impressed by his acrobatics. “Again.” The young brunette frowned, letting out a small huff as his eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Stop complaining, I said again. I’m in charge, and I’m telling you to do another backflip.”

Ethan took a deep breath, recollecting himself. He knew well enough that every time he had Mark got close enough to almost be considered friends, he managed to fuck something up. Not this time. This time, he was going to do what Mark said. He gave a small nod. “Okay,” he said steadily, planting his feet in the ground before repeating the backflip for the third time. It was much more boring to do when he was being told to do it repeatedly, but he supposed he would get used to it. Ethan took a break, running his hand through his hair when he finished. “There,” he said proudly. “Just as good, if not even _better_ , than the other two.” Mark looked at him plainly before he chuckled rolling his eyes. “Can we do something else now?”

“We just started,” Mark insisted. “Again.”

The process went on for fifteen minutes. Ethan was good with numbers. One after the other, Ethan found himself performing backflips, barely having enough time to catch his breath in between. And, just the same as before, Mark would give a simple nod of his head before gesturing for Ethan to do another; the older man didn’t even have to say anything for the young brunette to understand that he was being pushed to complete another. And complete another he did. And another. And another. _And another_. Ethan ignored the aching from his ankles, or his he had almost twisted one of them in his landing. The young man simply did what Mark told him, no longer groaning with annoyance or rolling his eyes, or complaining that what they were doing was stupid. He simply kept his mouth shut, soon learning to adjust to the feeling of leaping back into another almost as soon as he landed the previous. Everything else just became drowned out as he listened to the sound of his heavy breathing. Not surprisingly, catching his breath upside down wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. But he put up with it. He held his breath for several backflips at a time, the air coming out in exasperated gasps every three or four flips. Ethan should have stopped by then. He should have forced himself to take a break, or told Mark that he simply couldn’t…but there was something holding back.

The little hum of praise that Mark would give whenever Ethan did one. It became rhythmic, and it happened every backflip, but it was enough to make Ethan’s heart flutter and encourage him to rebound into another. It wasn’t even much of a response from Mark…but the young man couldn’t help but crave his attention. So he flipped over and over and over and over again, getting dizzy and the world seeming to spin on its own without his assistance of flipping, but he didn’t care. However, he soon found himself stumbling backward on what seemed to be his hundredth time around, although he knew it wasn’t, and he lay on his back, breathing heavily as he looked up at the sky. “Am I done now?” He asked, his voice coming off as tired and breathless as he weakly looked to Mark, who gave a simple nod. Ethan smiled contently. That was all he seemed to need. Just a hum and a nod and his heart would flutter with excitement. “Thank you…” he breathed out, sighing softly as he gazed up at the cerulean sky, almost getting caught in a daze.Mark simply chuckled softly as he looked down at his partner. 

“Again,” he teased. Ethan glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, a half-smile growing on his face. “I’m kidding,” Mark assured him. “You did great…far better than I expected, honestly. I really did think that you couldn’t do anything acrobatic the first few seconds when you sort of stood there, like you were confused from me asking you to do a backflip.” Ethan smiled, thinking for a few seconds. He watched as Mark crouched down by Ethan, sitting beside him and looking down at him with interest. “Do you normally do backflips for everyone you meet?” Mark questioned, referring back to when they were in the boxcar together. “Or just to impress me?”

“Are you impressed?” Ethan whispered.

Mark chuckled softly, rolling his eyes. “Not at all, I’ve seen any other acrobat do as many backflips as you.” Ethan smiled a bit, not minding as he looked up at the sky. “You’re talented though, for someone who’s just been introduced to the circus. I’ll hand that one to you, although don’t expect me to give you the satisfaction of a _true_ compliment.”

“I would expect nothing of the sort,” the young man breathed out, a smile still fixed on his face as he looked up at the sky. “Especially not from the most _prestigious_ trapeze artist in history, Mark Fischbach.” Mark looked down at him, a gentle gaze in his eyes that seemed to smile down at him. Ethan glanced at him, their eyes meeting. The young man gave a neutral smile as he looked at Mark, noticing how he shifted closer. Ethan swallowed thickly, hesitantly sitting up so he wasn’t laying on the ground anymore. “Um, are we done now?” He asked quickly, his heart skipping a beat in his chest as he looked at Mark. Mark’s expression returned to serious as he quickly stood to his feet, nodding.

“For now,” he replied. “Take a break, you were doing that for quite a bit of time.” There was a small pause as Mark looked down at Ethan, swallowing thickly. “Would you like me to show you where the acrobats practice?” He offered simply, shrugging his shoulders. “Sometimes I watch for a few minutes in between trapeze training…they really are good at what they do.” Ethan thought about it for a few seconds. “I would hate to have to go by myself,” Mark mentioned, giving a half-smile as Ethan’s eyes lit up. The young man hadn’t been informed that Mark would be staying there too. Surely this meant something. Surely they were on their way to becoming friends.

“I would like that very much,” Ethan replied. Mark grinned, extending his hand to help Ethan up, which the young man accepted graciously. He grinned. “Lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wahoo, another chapter is OUT! Again, I can't thank you enough for all your support on the fic, and I'm so glad I've been able to push out two chapters a day. Who knows, maybe there will be more than that tomorrow. I'm not sure, but what I am sure about is that I love this fic and I know EXACTLY where I'm taking it. And, of course, the chapters are going to get more 'romantic' (or friendly, depending on the situation) as the story progresses.
> 
> I'm glad to have included a bit more of Jack in this.
> 
> As always, Kudos and Comments are appreciated! :D


	11. The Trust I Have For You

“Lead the way,” Ethan hummed, grinning ear to ear as he looked at Mark excitedly. He was hoping he would be able to see Sean at practice, considering how he had mentioned it would be nice for him to stop by. He knew well enough Mark would only let him stay for a few minutes before they got back to practice, but he would take what he could get. Mark gave a simple nod, gesturing for Ethan to follow him, which he did gratefully. The young brunette hummed underneath his breath, glancing up at the sky as the trailed behind his partner. It really was a beautiful day…the perfect day for practice. The sun was shining, but it wasn’t exactly beating down on them. It was nice. Ethan couldn’t help but sigh contently with enjoyment as they made their way over to wherever the acrobats practiced. “Would you say they’re better performers than I am?” He questioned, half-joking and half-serious as he sped up to walk beside Mark, who shrugged his shoulders. “Oh, come on, it won’t hurt my feelings,” he insisted. “They’ve been here longer than I have anyway, it would be absurd to say that-”

“Yes, you’re right, they have been here longer than you have,” Mark retorted simply, pursing his lips in thought. “Some of them have been here almost as long as I have, but not quite. You see, no one in this traveling circus has been here for five years. Only me. I’ve seen an entirely different crowd of the ensemble when I entered, but they too had been here for a while, so they started slipping away by the month and being replaced with new members, who didn’t see to stick around my either. It’s rare to see anyone here who decides to stay for over three years, and I could only mention a handful. I’ve seen nobodies sign up for the circus and _become_ somebodies, and move on to do greater things. Everyone here has more experience than you, Ethan.” Ethan frowned a bit, nodding his head in understanding. A simple answer would have been just fine by him…he didn’t need an entire explanation as to why he wasn’t as good. “But you’re just as talented as they are,” Mark continued, catching the young brunette’s attention again. “And certainly that can only mean that your talent exceeds theirs, considering you only _just_ joined the circus.” Ethan smiled shyly. He liked to think so, at least. 

“You really think so?” Ethan whispered, looking up at Mark with bright eyes. “Or are you only saying that because you don’t wanna hurt my feelings?” The young man gave a half-smile as he looked up at him, his eyes shimmering as they met Mark’s. Mark looked down at him for a few seconds, his expression plain but his eyes lit up, almost as if he was mesmerized. After a few seconds, he finally cleared his throat, continuing to lead him to where the acrobats were performing as he finally spoke.

“I really think so,” Mark insisted, forcing his gaze away from Ethan’s as he looked straight ahead. “It’s the natural talent you’ve got, Ethan. I don’t think I’ve seen any of the other acrobats perform as many backflips as you did just a minute ago…I was going to stop you halfway through after I stopped telling you to go, but I didn’t want to interrupt the cycle. It really was amazing to see how determined you looked just to do another, and how you gave a small smile _every_ single time you landed, no matter the circumstances. It’s nice to see an acrobat that is still proud of what they do, and hasn’t quite been corrupted to believe that nothing they could possibly be good enough for the circus. Too many of the ensemble members are like that, you know? Never proud of accomplishing new things because they manage to remind themselves that other acrobats in the world already mastered that routine or that trick. Whenever they learn something new, they acknowledge it and move on. It’s quite sad, really. It mostly happens to the members who have been here for a little over a year. They get caught up in the life of comparing themselves to the fellow ensemble members in their designated region…and they just forget how talented they are, because the only thing they see every day is everyone else doing exactly the same thing as them. They think they’re average.”

“Does Jack think he’s average?” Ethan asked hesitantly. He would hate to know that one of the only ensemble members who had been kind enough to approach him as a friend didn’t believe in himself, even though Ethan knew well enough he would be above average. “Or…below average, for that matter?” Mark hummed softly as he thought.

“Well, you know, he down-talks himself from time to time,” Mark mentioned. “Jack’s hard on himself, you know? When he can’t do something on the first trick, even if it’s seemingly impossible, he’ll insist that he’s bad at acrobatics and that he never should have pursued the circus, even know we both know he sees it as a blessing. That’s why he takes breaks whenever he gets upset…he’ll usually come to my tent and talk to me about something random whenever he needs to get something off his chest. Usually, we’ll talk for a few minutes about something out of the ordinary, like what we would do if we hadn’t decided to join the circus, or if we decided to quit at any second…or which country we’ve always had dreams of traveling to.” Mark gave a half-smile. “And then he’ll tell me what happened; usually along the lines of how he had tried to land a stunt five times already, while everyone else only needed three tries to get it perfect. He just can’t stand having to be in a room filled with people who he considers to be better than him. At the end of the day, Jack doesn’t like being compared to anyone. And it doesn’t help that the acrobats have such long practice hours during the day…hell, they get up before sunrise.” 

Ethan cocked an eyebrow slightly. “Huh?” He questioned. “Jack was just heading to practice as soon as I was…he came to the tent to talk to me and he told me that he was running late and everything.” Mark gave him a sardonic look. Ethan thought for a few seconds before he made a soft ‘ohhh’ sound, biting his lip. “Jack was frustrated again…and he was looking for someone to talk to…” he breathed out, Mark nodding his head. “If I had known that I would have talked with him longer,” Ethan mentioned, running a hand through his hair. “Do you think he’s okay?”

“Oh, he’s fine,” Mark mentioned. “Jack knows how long he needs to give himself to get over something. If he wasn’t gone for long, he most likely just fell when he was in a lift and might have gotten yelled at by Mr. Carter. The man doesn’t mean anything against him…he just doesn’t like it when his acrobats aren’t perfect.” Ethan swallowed thickly, nodding his head in understanding although he couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. “Or he could have just been how he feels pressured since he’s required to support a lift now, and he doesn’t think he’s strong enough to carry someone across the floor. I think he’ll do just fine, though, although I don’t understand why Mr. Carter would put the effort of putting someone of his figure in a position where they need to hoist someone into the air.” Mark shrugged. “He only needs to do it for five minutes in the first routine, though, so surely it will go unnoticeable that he’s struggling in his position.” Ethan hummed softly. He couldn’t imagine having to hoist someone off of the ground, throw them into the air, and then have to carry the weight of knowing you need to catch them when they land, and that the acrobats being tossed put their full trust in the catchers and supporters. Hell, Ethan would have put his trust into support.

“Well, I guess we’ll get to see if he’s struggling or not,” Ethan mentioned hopefully, Mark nodding in return. “How long has he been an acrobat for?”

“Well, he’s been here for about a year,” Mark replied, humming softly. “He joined a traveling circus when he was eleven…his parents said that he had talent, and of course they wanted to get some pay out of it. Jack liked it though…he always loved the circus, ever since he was a baby. If you get to talking with him, he’ll ramble on about this one traveling circus he visited when he was four or five years old, where he was convinced at a young age that he met a mermaid. Just some cheap sideshow scam, of course, but he’ll talk about how he loved it just the same.” Mark chuckled softly. “He was always an acrobat, even at a young age. Jack says he likes it here the most, though…says he likes his new name.” Mark shrugged. “If I were Mr. Carter, I would have realized that the name Sean is a fine name, and he didn’t need to change it for publicity. But, I suppose the crowd would be more interested in a stage name in the papers than they would a real name.”  
“Will I have to change my name?” Ethan questioned.

“No,” Mark said, giving a short shake of his head. “Mr. Carter introduced you to us as Ethan. That means he doesn’t intend on changing your name, because he liked the ring of it from the start. _Ethan Nestor_. I can still remember when we were introduced to… _Sean_. Mr. Carter told us about how many years he had been in the circus business, and he continued on and referred to him as ‘Jack’. Well, Jack himself didn’t even know about the name change at the time, so he had been utterly confused until he signed the contract, where he was expected to sign with his stage name… _Jack_.” Ethan nodded in understanding. “Mr. Carter seems to like your name just fine, though, so don’t expect to have to learn a new name after you sign your contract.”

“When I do I get to do that?”

“I would assume soon,” Mark replied. “You’ll get signed for a certain amount of time, so that you can’t quit.” Ethan cocked an eyebrow slightly. “He does that for trapeze artists, since it’s a harder performance, which means it’s not as easy to find performers who are willing to risk their lives…or who are willing to work with _me_.” Ethan gave a half-smile.

“I like working with you,” he whispered lightly, noticing how Mark glanced down at him as they walked. Ethan smiled at him gently, noticing how Mark smiled back before he looked away again. “Do you trust me yet?”

“With my life?” 

“Yeah.”

“I trust you to do what you’re told,” Mark replied. “I can’t say I trust you with my life, considering I haven’t seen you on the trapeze.” He hummed, pursing his lips in thought. “So no…I can’t say that I trust you with my life.” Ethan nodded in understanding. That was reasonable. “I’ve never really had a partner that _liked_ working with me, though,” he mentioned, chuckling softly as they continued walking. “They say I’m _insufferable_. How I don’t listen to what they want to do, and that I push them too much, and that I’m too controlling. They always end up quitting as soon as their contract ends, and they leave in a fit of tears while reciting some sob story about how they would have loved to stay with the ensemble longer, and how they had gotten so attached to the acrobats and even made a few friends…and how they wish they could stay. But then, of course, they go on to continue that they felt like a prisoner in the circus, and they act as if they sold their life away.” Mark sighed. “And then they leave. At the cycle just continues while I _beg_ to be left alone. Nobody seems to understand that being a trapeze artist is more than just faith. It’s about skill. You can’t just _hope_ that you’ll do the flip right, no. You’ll _remind yourself_ that you’re _going_ to do the flip right, regardless of the conditions you’re in. And then you land it. There’s no ‘if’, there’s no ‘but’, there’s no ‘what if’. No one seems to realize that.” He paused. “Except for you.”

“Well, I can assure you that I won’t be running away from any of this anytime soon,” Ethan assured his partner, smiling as he looked off in the distance, noticing the large white tent. Nowhere similar to the sleeping tents, of course, it was massive. Not large enough for a crowd, but large enough for acrobats to practice in. “I like it here too much to leave. I like having a warm place to sleep, and being able to do what I love for the entire day. And I like how there are so many people to talk to, and how everyone seems like one large family.” He paused. “I like being your partner,” Ethan managed softly, a small grin growing on his face as he glanced up at Mark again. “I like that you care about my wellbeing and my safety…nobody really ever did that for me when I was in Philadelphia. I like how you all of this comes naturally to you, yet you take the time to teach me everything I need to know so I won’t hurt myself.” Mark continued looking straight ahead, but Ethan could notice a smile growing across his face as well. “And I like how I’m going to be by your side _past_ the contract.”  
“I’ve never heard that before,” Mark joked. 

Ethan chuckled softly. “Well, you should get used to it,” he mentioned. Mark nodded simply. By now, they were standing in front of the entrance to the large tent. Mark draped the entrance open slightly, gesturing for Ethan to go in first. The young brunette smiled thankfully. “Thank you,” he said, slipping inside and his eyes lighting up as he looked around. There was room for a few chairs, one of which was occupied by Mr. Carter, and in the center was the large arena circle, the ground covered with a powered substance so they could keep their balance. At the far edge was a piano, which the young man couldn’t only assume was for playing the song they would be practicing and performing to. Ethan smiled softly, slowly walking closer to the edge of the arena, his eyes bright with wonder as he watched the acrobats line up, obviously following instructions that had been ordered to them before Ethan and Mark had entered the tent. The young brunette looked around, noticing the limelights and the costumes that the acrobats wore, identical to each other. They were a faded blue this time, lighter than the sky, and Ethan could notice the intricate designs that had been printed on the costumes in a slightly darker shade of blue. He smiled. “Wow…” he breathed out softly.

“I didn’t think you could be that impressed by them just standing around and doing nothing,” Mark mentioned jokingly, now beside Ethan as his eyes glanced over the row of acrobats, “but you always manage to prove me wrong.” Ethan chuckled softly, scanning the acrobats before he noticed Sean standing near the center of the line, staring straight ahead. The acrobats remained still, their hands at their sides and their heads facing forward. The mannerism of soldiers, Ethan noticed. However, he watched how Sean glanced at the pair out of the corner of his eye, giving a small smile to acknowledge they were there, almost as if to say hello without speaking. Ethan gave a small wave, watching as Sean directed his attention back to Mr. Carter the second he cleared his throat. Ethan glanced at the owner of the circus, humming softly as he listened.

“Alright, everyone, we’re going to do everything from the top,” Mr. Carter announced, getting up from his chair before resting his hands on his hips. “Remember, try to show emotion. You’re all frowning; stop doing that. The point of this performance is to get the audience excited for the trapeze act. They’re not going to get excited unless you show them how this traveling circus is the best they’ll ever see. Put emotion into it. Strong arms, I don’t want to see anyone with loose arms for _any_ bit of the performance. You are required to hold yourself up or to hold someone else up. If your arms are loose, you’re going to fall…or you’re going to drop someone.” Mr. Carter fixed his attention on Sean. “Mr. McLoughlin, you are in charge of lifting Minnie, but you dropped her, is that correct?” Sean swallowed thickly, hesitantly nodding his head. 

“Yes, sir,” he admitted.

“Don’t let it happen again.”

“Yes, sir,” Sean replied assuringly. 

“Must I remind you, Jack, that your short contract expired two months ago,” Mr. Carter continued, clearing his throat as he continued to look at Sean, who nervously nodded his head. “The only thing that’s stopping me from firing you is because I know you’re better than this. This may be your first time doing a lift, but I expect only the best from my acrobats; if you can’t be among the best, then I’m afraid I can’t have you working for us anymore. Do I make myself perfectly clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Are you going to drop her again?” Mr. Carter questioned.

“No, sir,” Sean replied, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. Ethan glanced at Mr. Carter, noticing how he gave a justified nod of his head before he sat down. Sean exhaled with relief, recorrecting his posture so he wasn’t slouching. Mr. Carter gestured his hand off to the piano, the man behind it nodding the same before he played the first two chords to the melody. And, just like that, the routine practice started, the acrobats each taking a deep breath. Ethan glanced up at Mark, smiling a bit before he focused his attention back to the acrobats. Within seconds, they had started, and the beginning reminded Ethan somewhat of a dance. The women stepped forward, Minnie standing in the center like a leader. The young brunette wasn’t quite fond of her presence, but he couldn’t help but stand mesmerized as he watched her, his eyes flickering with intrigue. They spun like a ballerina would, their legs unbending as they reached them near the sky. Ethan grinned with excitement as the music skipped a beat, picking up the pace on the next. 

Ethan searched for Sean in the line again, smiling softly. He clenched his fist tightly in his hand as he watched the girls rush back, leaping as the boys knelt down, catching their hands in theirs before hoisting them up. The young brunette’s eyes widened as he watched Sean lift Minnie, her hands planted firmly on his as she did a handstand, her legs lowering carefully into a split. “Wow…” Ethan whispered, not sure if he was supposed to be focusing on Sean or Minnie. Sean crouched down slightly, his arms trembling slightly, but he pushed his weight back up again, Minnie letting go of his hands as she flipped in the air, landing in Sean’s arms like a bride being carried by a groom. It really was quite the sight. Ethan watched with curiosity, Sean finally setting Minnie down after a few more simple tricks. And the act continued. Ethan glanced up at Mark occasionally, surprised by how neutral his expression was as he watched. Soon enough, Ethan watched as Sean was hoisted into the air. Finally, the acrobat smiled, feeling more confident when he was off the ground than he was being expected to lift someone. The act continued with a series of flips and aerials, men and women alike being hoisted into the air simultaneously, balancing on shoulders and hands as they posed on one hand or standing on one foot. It really was a sight to see, and Ethan himself could hardly believe his eyes. He might have been able to do all the moves they were doing, but he surely couldn’t do any of them that fast.

Ten minutes later, the routine was complete, and it ended with the girls resting their hands on their hips, balancing on the hands of the boys below them. Ethan grinned, not sure if he was supposed to clap, so he remained silent. Nevertheless, he waved to Sean, who was currently holding Minnie above his head, his arms outstretched toward the sky. Sean glanced at Ethan, giving a smile before he focused his attention back to the matter at hand. Mr. Carter paused for a few seconds, looking at the row of acrobats before he allowed the men to put their partner down. Ethan noticed how Sean let out a sigh of relief as he carefully lowered Minnie down to shoulder height, where she carefully jumped off. “You may take a five-minute break,” Mr. Carter announced, ushering for the acrobats to do what they liked for the time being. Ethan waved Sean over, grinning ear to ear as the acrobat bounded over to the duo.

“You were great!” Ethan exclaimed, his eyes wide with wonder as Sean smiled happily in return. “I couldn’t do any of what you did even if I _tried_!” Sean chuckled softly, his eyes almost smiling as he looked at Ethan gratefully.

“Good job, Jack,” Mark said, humming softly. Sean smiled, nodding in return. “Well, now that you guys are taking a break, I think it would only be fair if we ended ours.” He glanced at Ethan, who looked back to him with a frown. “Ethan, if you were expecting us to stay for the other routine, you’re mistaken. Once is enough. I’m sure you’ll get another great view of them the week of the performances.” The young brunette nodded reluctantly, doing what Mark said. “Great job holding Minnie up, Jack,” Mark continued, gesturing for Ethan to leave. “Don’t let her boss you around.” Sean nodded simply, waving at the both of them as they left the tent. Ethan hummed simply as he walked beside Mark with excitement, feeling like a child who had just exited a toy shop without purchasing anything.

“They’re awfully talented,” Ethan mentioned, glancing up at Mark, who nodded in return. “Mr. Carter seems like he’s too hard on them though…especially Jack. Surely it isn’t entirely _his_ fault that he dropped Minnie. It seems as if he prefers to _be lifted_ then to lift anyone.”

“Well, Mr. Carter’s an asshole, so I tend to not listen to anything he ever has to say,” Mark replied simply, humming underneath his breath. “He only really cares about money, Ethan. And he doesn’t mean much when he threatens Jack, either. Mr. Carter knows just as well as anyone that firing an ensemble member in a routine that requires them is never the smartest thing to do; it doesn’t stop him from using it as a way to blackmail people in to doing what he wants, though.” Ethan swallowed thickly. “If Mr. Carter ever tries to do that to you…you tell me. You let _me_ handle it instead of trying to deal with it on your own. And always read between the lines.” Ethan nodded again. There was a short silence between them.

“What are we practicing next?” The young man asked softly, looking to Mark.

“Front flips.” 

Ethan chuckled softly. He should have assumed as much. “Well, as long as I’m going on the trapeze tomorrow, I’ll do anything,” he mentioned. Mark laughed, rolling his eyes playfully as he walked beside his partner. “I trust you with my life, Mark.”

Mark paused, looking down at his hands before he glanced back at Ethan. “And I trust you with mine, Mr. Nestor,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this chapter coming out MUCH later in the day than originally expected. I've been rewatching, pausing, studying, and taking notes on circus performances via YouTube. Not surprisingly, watching Cirque du Soleil is very entertaining, although I wish my entire YouTube recommended section wasn't filmed with JUST circus videos. I can now proudly say that all of the research for this fic is complete. Whenever I write historical fiction, I want to make sure that everything is as accurate as possible. If something isn't invented by the year the work takes place, it doesn't get included (which is why I'm using limelights instead of spotlights for the fic, because spotlights were invented after this fic takes place)
> 
> I was super glad to include more of Sean's character, as well as dabble in the original characters provided. I hope you guys enjoyed it, and I'll get right into writing the next chapter. 
> 
> As always, I am thankful for your support; Kudos and Comments are appreciated. If you're interested in any of my upcoming works, details (titles) can be found in my profile.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	12. Frozen in Time

Ethan let out a content sigh as he fell back onto his cot, looking up at the fabric ceiling of the tent. The young brunette was wearing sleepwear, his hair still damp after taking a bath, to the point where it stuck to the back of his neck and his forehead. It had been cold, which wasn’t exactly luxurious, but the young man didn’t mind. It felt refreshing, really…the perfect thing before bed. After all, the day had been nothing short of perfect. He had practiced with Mark for the rest of the afternoon, stopping for lunch, only to resume afterward. Unsurprisingly, as much as he pleaded with Mark to let him up to the trapeze, the older male insisted that it would wait for the following day. And Ethan had listened…because at the end of the day, the only thing he wanted was for Mark to tell, him that he had done okay, and maybe that he was proud of him. That hadn’t exactly happened yet…but when it did, Ethan would savor that moment. Cherish it even. It was stupid to think about…getting so worked up about the praise of someone else. He knew well enough that when Mr. Carter had announced how Ethan had such incredible talent, the young boy had felt almost nothing…if Mark had said something like that to him, it would have left the young man’s heart fluttering.

Ethan shifted so he was laying properly on the bed, but he tucked his hands behind his head in order to not have his hair stick to the pillow, which wouldn’t exactly be the most comfortable way to fall asleep. The young brunette didn’t exactly know where Mark was, but he assumed he was either speaking with Mr. Carter or with Jack about something. Nevertheless, Ethan smiled softly up at the ceiling, closing his eyes contently as he let out a peaceful sigh. The life he had been living for the past three days was unlike anything he had ever lived before…he had traveled in a boxcar, gotten to watch the stars, and attempt to watch the sunset…he had leaned out of a moving boxcar and watched acrobats perform. He had watched a man purposely plummet fifty feet down into a net, and he now he was going to fall asleep in a cot inside of a tent-like life was nothing out of the ordinary. Ethan couldn’t help but chuckle softly, a pure look of bliss as he thought about trying to take everything in at the same time…it was seemingly impossible. 

But Ethan wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. This was his ticket away from the life he had previously lived, and he wouldn’t waste a second of it. The young man couldn’t wait to sign the contract Mr. Carter would give him, and he couldn’t wait to legally be considered Mark’s trapeze partner…but above all, his heart was pounding in anticipation to have the change to be soaring fifty feet in the sky. Just the thought of flipping through the air was enough to take his breath away, and the young man’s heart skipped a beat at the thought of flipping from one bar to the other, holding Mark’s hands in his before being hoisted into the air again. It was the dream he had never thought he wanted to live…but now that it was in his grasp, he didn’t want to let go. Somehow, just the mere thought that maybe he was destined to be a trapeze artist…it was enough to make Ethan smile. It was enough to make an aching, longing feeling in his heart, and part of him just _knew_ that there was something so _right_ about being in the circus. He couldn’t point his finger at exactly what it was…but it was _something_.

“Written in the stars…” he whispered softly, soft laughter following as he folded his hands gently on his chest, looking up at the ceiling longingly, although he didn’t quite know what he needed. The young man thought for a few seconds, but the answer didn’t come to him. Ethan supposed he would know what he needed _when_ he needed it…and now wasn’t the time. Nevertheless, Ethan sat up, reaching to the end of the bed and yanking the covers up and over his shoulders. His hair had dried partly, so he felt more comfortable resting his head down on the pillow. The young man let out a soft yawn, sighing contently as he rolled onto his right side, nuzzling his pillow gently. It felt nice to be wrapped up with blankets…it was a feeling the young man remembered so vividly from his childhood. He smiled, his eyes dim as he closed them contently. The only thing on his mind was sleep…and the following day, which he knew well enough would come faster if he just went to bed.

“I see you got washed up,” Ethan heard someone mentioned. The young man opened his eyes, propping himself up on his elbows and looking to the entrance of the tent. He gave a half-grin when he noticed Mark standing in the entrance, his hair a wet, tangled mess on his head. Ethan nodded sheepishly. “Sorry about the lack of hot water, we don’t exactly have the fuel to heat it up,” Mark continued, shifting inside the tent before sitting down on his cot, taking a heavy breath. “But I suppose a cold bath is better than no bath at all.” Ethan nodded again in agreement, watching Mark as he reached for one of his blankets, wrapping it around himself and wearing a warm smile. “I thought you would be asleep by now, honestly. You know how children always seem to be incredibly tired after doing the most simple things for the entire day? Well, I suppose I imagined you would be similar.” Ethan chuckled softly.

“Sorry to disappoint you,” Ethan joked, laying down again and looking up at the ceiling. “I was just going to bed before I was so _rudely_ interrupted,” he continued, smiling as he pulled the blankets over his shoulders again, sighing contently. “Today was great,” he mentioned, humming contently as he thought about everything they had done. “The acrobats practicing… _us_ practicing…getting to talk to Jack this morning.” He smiled softly. “It was just the perfect day…and I can’t believe that _every single_ day is going to be like this while I’m here. Practicing, and flying, and learning, and just experiencing everything. I never would have even dreamed that any of this would be happening to me when I was younger, but it _is_ , and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.” Mark listened contently to his partner. “But I guess it’s destiny…” he continued softly, glancing over his right shoulder to look at Mark, who looked back at him simply, a small smile creeping on his face. The older man shifted slightly on his cot, tilting his head sideways as he gazed back at Ethan, who was still laying down. The young brunette giggled softly, sitting up, turning so that his legs were propped on the floor as he sat on the cot, facing his partner. 

“I thought you were going to bed,” Mark teased.

“Can’t,” Ethan replied simply, shrugging his shoulders. “You came in, you bothered me, you got me talking…and _now_ I’m not tired anymore.” Mark rolled his eyes playfully. “Which is a real shame, because I was really looking forward to falling asleep after a nice _freezing_ bath.” He grinned, reaching for his blankets and wrapping them around himself, the same as Mark had. “I might be too tired to practice tomorrow,” he continued jokingly, giving a mock upset expression as he looked to Mark.

“Sure thing,” Mark hummed. “I think we both know well enough that you would be hitting yourself if you knew lack of sleep was the reason I wouldn’t let you on the trapeze.” Ethan giggled before nodding in agreement. He was practically dying just to be allowed the climb up the ladder and start the practice that he had been looking forward to ever since he saw the trapeze for the first time. “And I think we both know well enough that even if I _hadn’t_ said something, you would have noticed that I came in and you would have attempted to strike up a conversation with me. I know you well enough, Mr. Nestor, believe me.” Ethan smiled a bit. He liked it when Mark called him that. He liked it when Mark called him anything. Whenever the older man spoke to him…it was enough to make his heart flutter; he didn’t know why. Nevertheless, Ethan just looked back at Mark shyly, noticing how the older man’s dim eyes seemed to brighten as they stared back into his. 

“You know,” Mark mentioned, clearing his throat as he gestured his head to the entrance of the tent, “the sun is almost below the horizon out there. And I know that you didn’t exactly get to stay awake long enough to see it last time, since you feel asleep…do you maybe wanna watch the sunset with me?” He smiled awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. “We don’t have to go to the trapeze to see it…we can just sit in the grass outside the tent. I used to do that sometimes when I first joined this traveling circus. I don’t know why I stopped, to be honest…but I did.” He chuckled softly. “I don’t know…I know you probably want to go to bed, but I would hate to have to sit out there alone.” He gave a half-smile, looking at Ethan as he waited for an answer; little did the man know that Ethan couldn’t find the words he needed to respond. 

When Mark looked at him…God, Ethan almost forgot how to speak. He knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t get the words out when Mark was looking into his eyes like that. And Ethan just looked back, trying not to look helpless as he took a small breath. “That sounds great,” he managed, smiling softly as he looked back at Mark, their gaze not drifting away from each other. For a few seconds, the two of them just sat there, their soft breathing being the only noise that filled the air. Ethan felt himself getting lost in Mark’s eyes as he leaned forward slightly, propping his elbows on his knees as he looked at him. “Do you wanna lead the way?” Ethan whispered, not finding the courage to blink or glance away. All he wanted was this moment, forever in time, and he wouldn’t waste a second. Mark looked back at him, not answering for a few seconds. His eyes softened, and Ethan knew well enough that this almost wasn’t the same man who yelled at him upon first meeting him, glaring at him viciously. No…he was different, and it was enough to warm Ethan’s heart.

“Yeah,” Mark said finally, glancing away as he stood up from his cot. 

“Won’t it be cold?” Ethan questioned hesitantly.

“That’s why we’re bringing blankets,” the older man replied, glancing over his shoulder at Ethan as he smiled. The young man’s heart fluttered as he nodded his head, reaching for one of his blankets happily. Mark chuckled softly, gesturing for Ethan to follow him as he slipped outside of the tent, letting out a content sigh as he was met with the crisp air of the night. Ethan trailed behind him, inhaling contently and feeling the air burn through his throat and lungs, but he didn’t mind. Mark sat down after walking a few feet, patting the ground next to him, motioning for Ethan to sit down. Ethan giggled softly as he walked over, resting beside his partner, grinning with excitement as he stared off into the distance, catching a view of the setting sun as it continued to fall below the horizon. “Maybe you can stay awake long enough to see it this time,” Mark joked, glancing at Ethan. The young man glanced back ta him, giving a small smile as he nodded. He knew he was supposed to be watching the sunset, considering that was why they had left the tent…but he found himself more interested in gazing back at Mark, their eyes not separating as they looked at each other. Ethan felt a churning feeling in his stomach and a fluttering in his heart as he shifted, breathing softly as he looked at Mark.

“Well, you might have to stop me from falling asleep,” he whispered, a faint smile on his lips. Mark grinned back at him, his eyes flickering. This was a new feeling…Ethan felt the same desire for Mark to be proud of him, or impressed by him, or just to look at him…but it felt almost heightened now. It now seemed like a feeling Ethan _needed_ instead of wanted. Mark hummed in return, saying nothing more. Ethan’s heart was pounding heavily in his chest as he looked at Mark. His hand tightened around the grass, biting his lip as he shifted closer to Mark. The young man didn’t understand what was going on…or why he felt like this. Surely this was nothing like what he had felt when he simply wanted Mark to be close friends with him. It was more than that…and he almost didn’t know why. The young man had never felt this feeling before…not with _anyone_. Ethan sucked in a small breath, swallowing thickly as they looked at each other gently, their eyes softening. Finally, Mark glanced away. Ethan’s face dropped slightly as he looked down at his hands, leaning away from Mark slightly as he exhaled softly, as if he had been holding his breath underwater.

Ethan wrapped his blanket tighter around himself. “It’s freezing out here,” he mentioned, glancing over at Mark. He noticed now how the older man was wrapped with _two_ blankets, unlike Ethan. “Hey, no fair,” Ethan joked, shifting as he looked at Mark. “I didn’t know we were supposed to bring _both_ our blankets in order to not freeze to death.” Mark chuckled softly, shifting closer to Ethan. The young man tensed up slightly as he watched Mark sit beside him, draping one of the blankets over both of their shoulders. Ethan reluctantly relaxed into his touch, leaning against him with an excuse that it was the only way for there to be enough blanket for each of them. “Thank you…” he whispered softly, resting his cheek gently on Mark’s shoulder. His partner hummed in return, saying nothing more as he looked off into the distance. Ethan smiled simply, letting out a content sigh as he watched the setting sun with Mark, his heart still beating heavily in his chest, but he learned to ignore it. He was anxious, yes, but it was an almost lovely feeling. He knew well enough it was wrong…but it just felt so entirely right. And, within the next minute, he knew what it was. It was the feeling that adults would remind their children of, claiming they would find it eventually with the right person. It was the feeling Ethan never thought he would be able to experience, but his heart warmed.  
It was the deep affection that his mother had claimed he would feel for a girl when he was older. The feeling that would make him stumble over himself and do anything to get her attention…the feeling that he would be allowed to pursue through his adulthood that would end with marriage, and a family, and a happy life. But Ethan didn’t feel that for a girl…he felt it for a boy; the desire for his attention, and for their eyes to just meet again. Part of him almost felt wrong for feeling the way he did, but he just couldn’t help it. The young man breathed softly, glancing up at Mark gently as he continued to rest his cheek on his partner’s shoulder. Mark glanced down at him hesitantly, chuckling softly. Ethan gave a faint smile, closing his eyes. He didn’t care if he didn’t get to watch the sunset; the feeling of being this close to Mark was everything he needed. 

“Do you want me to stop you from falling asleep?” Mark whispered gently. Ethan smiled, shaking his head while his eyes remained close. “Okay…” the older man breathed out. And it was as simple as that. The young man shifted closer to Mark, feeling the older men hesitantly lean against Ethan as well, the two of them propped up against each other as they enjoyed the last warmth of the sun before it disappeared behind the horizon… _together_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for...the moment where one of them realizes the feelings they share for each other aren't entirely FRIENDLY. Thank you guys for your support, as always, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. Kudos + Comments appreciated.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	13. Miles To The Horizon

Ethan let out a soft whine as he felt himself slowly waking up…God, the last thing the boy wanted to do was get up. He would sleep for the rest of the afternoon if he was given the choice, despite how he knew everything they would be doing that day. The only thing he wanted to do was _rest_ , for he felt exhausted and he hardly knew why. Nevertheless, the boy rolled onto his side, curling up into a tighter ball as he hugged the blankets tighter around himself, nuzzling his face against the wool fabric as he exhaled heavily into it. The warm air blew back into his face, and the young man breathed softly and contently as he allowed himself to relax again. Ethan kept his eyes closed. Maybe Mark wouldn’t bother him if he thought he was sleeping…if Mark was even around still. The young man yawned reluctantly, feeling the grass dipping underneath him as he shifted. Well, the young brunette was outside, but that was all he knew for sure. Ethan let out another yawn, despite trying to hold it back, before slowly opening his eyes, blinking away the drowsy blur. The young man didn’t quite do away with the blankets, but he simply wrapped them around himself as he slowly sat up, leaning back on the palm of his hand as he glanced around.

The sun wasn’t fully up in the sky yet, but it had mostly made its cycle. Ethan sighed contently as he felt it kissing his skin with warmth. The young man arched his back slightly, his shoulder blades almost touching as he let out a small, relaxed sigh after stretching. He swallowed thickly, coughing since his throat felt dry, and he hesitantly glanced over his left shoulder. The young man’s eyes widened slightly when he noticed Mark about a foot away from him, a blanket draped over him as he lay in the grass on his side, facing Ethan. The older man breathed peacefully as he slept, obviously not being woken up by Ethan shifting. The young man couldn’t help but stare is Mark in a mesmerizing sort of fashion, his heart skipping a bit as he smiled sheepishly. He wouldn’t wake him up, obviously, knowing well enough Mark would be upset if he did…he just watched for a few seconds. The young boy cocked his head, smiling a bit before he hesitantly lay down again, looking up at the sky. Directing his attention to Mark wouldn’t exactly be the brightest idea, considering how he would have a lot of explaining to do if the first thing Mark saw when he woke up was Ethan looking back at him. The young man chuckled at the thought as he looked up at the sky, beaming happily as he watched the clouds roll by.

After a few seconds, Ethan hesitantly stood up. He hummed softly, reaching for his own blanket, preparing to fold it carefully before he looked to Mark. The young man smiled, draping his no-longer-used blanket over Mark before he walked back to their tent, slipping inside and finding his way over to the folded costumes that Mark had gifted Ethan with. The young brunette sorted through them, looking to see if there were any other shades of blue he could wear, considering he wanted to wear his favorite colors first before anything else. It seemed silly when he thought about it, but the young man didn’t want to be seen in anything _apart from_ blue. Ethan would have to ask Mr. Carter if their performance costumes could be blue, that was for sure. Finally, he found a navy blue costume, grinning happily. It wasn’t exactly his preferred shade of blue, but he knew well enough that it would remind Mark of looking up at a dark sky…and the young man wanted to make Mark happy. He wanted the older male to look at him and smile, and maybe mentioned how it was his favorite shade of blue, or list of the things it reminded him of, although the last bit was something Ethan himself was more likely to do. Already he was reminded of the ocean and the sky as he quickly got undressed. He didn’t exactly want Mark to walk in while he was getting changed, that was for sure.

Ethan slipped into his costume, sliding his arms in before smiling contently, looking down at it. He could make out the intricate designs that were displayed in a lighter shade of blue, similar to the ones that the acrobats had worn. Swirls and flowers covered the costume, and it was enough to make the young man smile as he looked down at himself. After a few seconds, Ethan knelt down at the foot of his bed, reaching for his shoes. They were similar to ballet flats, but not exactly. They were an obsidian black, which meant they somewhat matched almost every costume that Mark had gifted Ethan with…although. Ethan wasn’t exactly too fond of having to wear black flats with a _pink_ leotard. The young man fell back onto bed, slipping on his shoes and humming softly. He supposed he _could_ wake Mark up if he wanted to, but it didn’t exactly seem like the best idea. So, the young man would let him sleep…for now at least. The only downside to not having someone to talk to was the fact that there was almost nothing else to do in the tent. He supposed he could get a head start and walk over to the trapeze, but he wouldn’t want to worry Mark, considering he knew the man would be upset if he thought Ethan had climbed up the ladder on his own. So, Ethan waited on his cot, humming underneath his breath as his eyes darted around the room. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking for…if there even _was_ anything to look for. But he didn’t mind.

Finally, however, his eyes landed on a folded up piece of paper on Mark’s cot across the way. Ethan furrowed his eyebrows slightly, shifting and recorrecting his posture to get a closer look from where he was sitting. However, the paper was too thick for him to see what had been written on the other side. The young man hesitantly glanced at the entrance to the tent, biting his lip. He didn’t think Mark would be getting up anytime soon…and surely nothing the paper held could be that important for him to be upset if he looked at it. Ethan carefully stood up from his cot, shifting over to the opposite side of the tent and sitting on Mark’s bed. He once again glanced through the small open part of the entrance flap to see if Mark was awake, but he appeared to still be laying down. The young man hesitantly reached for the piece of paper, holding it the way it was in his hands as he studied it for a few seconds. Along with being folded up, it seemed to be extremely wrinkled with age, the edges course after being appeared to be stained with water over the years. Ethan bit his lip, slowly unfolding the piece of paper, pressing it carefully against the bed to undo the creases before he held it close in his hands. 

Ethan bit his lip, knowing well enough he _shouldn’t_ have been doing this, but there was no-one there to stop him. So, he looked to the top of the page, slowly starting to read what appeared to be a letter.

_Dear Mr. Taylor,_

_I can assure you that nothing you are about to read is of legal matters, or of that regarding the arrangement we made and the contract we signed. I can assure you that our son will fulfill the required performance time necessary to assume his position, but I can only hope that you mention nothing of our arrangement with him. I can only assume that he loathes us enough already, and surely would want nothing to do with us, even if he was confronted with the truth. All he needs to know is that we couldn’t take care of him, so we humbly offered him to you until we could get back on our feet. He does not need to know of the payments you made or the agreement we came to, and he surely doesn’t need to know that he was unloved._

_May you take good care of my son._

_I thank you for your generous offer, and I only hope my son doesn’t retaliate or give you trouble. It would never be my intention for that, Mr. Taylor, and surely you understand that. And surely with your help my son can grow to not detest us for what we did to him…but to understand that paying rent would have been impossible without his contribution. I’m sure he will come to learn that someday, Mr. Taylor, and I can only hope that you lead him in that direction so that he may not abhor the mere thought of us._

_It is with a heavy heart that I end this letter quickly, for I fear my son will become suspicious if he sees me writing any longer. He must not know of the deal, Mr. Taylor. I write these words with imperativeness. The promise of a gentleman is all I need in these times._

_Yours,  
_ _Mrs. Edward Fischbach._

Ethan swallowed thickly as he looked up from the letter, his heart sinking in his chest. The letter was about Mark…it was about the deal his mother had made with the owner of the previous circus that Mark had been sold to. A churning feeling overtook Ethan’s stomach as he sat there weakly, resting the letter gently on the bed. Mark’s mother obviously had no intentions of her son ever reading the letter…yet it had somehow come into the older man’s procession. The young man bit his lip, unsettled after what he had read. He was starting to wish he had never been stupid enough to read it in the first place. He had just been holding the beginning of how Mark’s performance life had unfolded…how he had been sold to the circus, and how the malevolent intentions of his parents had been concealed from him until he came across the letter that explained it all. The mannerism was almost absurd…it made Ethan’s heart hurt just to think about it. This was why Mark refused to trust almost anyone…he couldn’t even trust his own _mother_ when he was younger. Ethan let out a soft sigh, biting his lip as he reached for the letter again.

“Oh, Mark…” he whispered softly, his voice almost caught in his throat as he. Weakly looked down at the letter, his heart in his throat. “I’m so so sorry…” Ethan’s voice trailed off as he spoke, his fingertips gently running over the words on the letter before him, his heart sinking in his chest. “I’m so sorry…for _everything_ that happened to you. God, you have no idea.” Ethan sighed, biting his lip as his eyes started to water a little. “I’m so sorry that your mother never loved you as she should have…” he continued. The young man spoke as if he was talking to Mark directly, for he knew well enough he would never get the chance to tell Mark _any_ of this. He didn’t want Mark to be aware of what he knew. “And I’m so sorry that you have to live your life knowing that almost everyone thinks you’re some awful person, but you’re not.” He folded up the paper, holding it close to his chest as he looked up at the ceiling of the tent, continuing in a faint whisper. “And I am so _incredibly_ sorry that you feel the need to hide away in front of other people.” The young man sniffled a bit, resting the letter aside, for good this time. He couldn’t bear to look down at it again. Ethan sucked in a small breath, exhaling weakly as he finally stood up from the cot.

“Ethan!?” The young man heard someone outside shout in a panic. The young man flinched, turning his head over his shoulder. It sounded like Mark. He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, blinking away the rest of the tears before he stumbled to the entrance of the tent, poking his head out. He watched as Mark looked to him, almost embarrassed as he glanced away. “Sorry,” he said quickly, sitting back on his hands. “I just woke up and you weren’t there, so I panicked a little.” Ethan giggled softly as he stepped out of the tent. Mark looked at him, smiling a bit when he noticed the costume he was wearing. Ethan glanced away shyly as Mark looked him up and down. “That color suits you,” he mentioned. The young man smiled graciously. “Reminds me of the sky at night, you know?’

“I assumed you would say something like that,” Ethan returned, walking over and sitting down beside him. “I just thought I could save some time if I got ready as soon as I woke up…I wasn’t gone inside for long, really. Just enough time to get changed.” He paused. “I was barely ready when you woke up,” he lied, smiling at Mark before he glanced up at the clouds. The older man nodded simply, following Ethan’s gaze.

“Thanks for the extra blanket,” Mark mentioned, chuckling softly. “As if I needed another.” Ethan giggled.

“No problem,” he replied. “You looked cold.”

Mark gave him a sardonic look, rolling his eyes playfully. “I’m gonna get changed,” he mentioned, patting Ethan on the shoulder. “Wait here and try not to get bored for a few minutes.” Ethan nodded, glancing back up at Mark. “Today’s the day you’ve been waiting for, I suppose. The chance to climb up the ladder and fly through the air…just as soon as I get dressed.” The young man giggled again as Mark walked into the tent. His eyes followed Mark, fixing on the entrance of the tent before he glanced away, looking at the trapeze in the distance. He was so incredibly excited for the chance to climb up the ladder, just like he had dreamed of, and to find himself standing fifty feet above the ground, overlooking the world off to the horizon. Ethan was sure he would be able to see miles off into the horizon…it would be like standing on top of the world. The young man smiled thoughtfully, waiting patiently for his partner as he lay in the grass, running his hands through the thin blades. He hummed softly before whistling a soft tune, sighing contently. After a few seconds, he glanced up from his hands at the sound of someone walking past. The young man smiled a bit, although confused when he saw Sean. Didn’t he have practice?

“Hi, Ethan,” Sean said hesitantly, clearing his throat as he awkwardly rested his hands on his waist, glancing around nervously. “Have you seen Mark by any chance? Or did he head over to the trapeze already? Because if he headed over to the trapeze already, forget I asked, I can just head over there myself and-”

“He’s in the tent,” Ethan explained, gesturing his head back to the tent. “I wouldn’t go in there, though,” he continued quickly, just so Sean wouldn’t get any ideas. “He’s getting changed into his costume for practice and all…I would hate for you to walk in on him.” Sean gave a half-smile, nodding in understanding. “Want me to deliver a message for you?” He questioned, shifting in the grass as he looked up at Sean. The Irish man took a small breath before slowly shaking his head. Ethan bit his lip. He knew well enough now that Sean must have gotten in trouble again, or thought he did something wrong, and just needed someone to talk to. “Well,” Ethan continued, “what did you dream about last night?” Sean cocked an eyebrow slightly, to which Ethan simply shrugged his shoulders. It was an obscure question, yes, on that couldn’t just easily be thrown into a conversation…but the young man couldn’t think of anything else to get Sean’s mind off of the matter at hand.

“I dreamed about the performance day,” Sean admitted, grinning. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, looking off in the distance as he attempted to recall what had happened in his dream. “It was a nice dream too,” he continued. “I lifted Minnie when I was supposed to…threw her when I was supposed to…I even caught her when I was supposed to. It felt so real too…you and Mark were there. You were in the audience, and I can’t recall _why_ you were in the audience, although I suppose dreams aren’t exactly supposed to make sense. But you were _there_ and you were clapping with the rest of the audience, and I remember looking at you two and smiling.” Sean hummed. “And then I woke up and went to practice.” He sighed, looking down at his feet. “Someone dropped me today.” Ethan glanced up at him, cocking an eyebrow slightly. The Irish man acted as if it was his own fault that someone had dropped him, which was just absurd to think about.

“Well, surely Mr. Carter can’t be mad at you,” Ethan mentioned in return. “It’s not your fault someone else dropped you. It wasn’t Minnie’s fault that you dropped _her_ , so surely it can’t be your fault that you were dropped.” Sean shrugged. “Honestly, Jack. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“I _know_ it’s not my fault,” Sean replied. “But the only thing Mr. Carter ever seems to see me do is _mess up_. Sure, sometimes I do things right…but those times don’t count. I’m never doing anything extraordinary or outstanding…I only do what I’m told, is what I mean. There are always the other acrobats who try to throw different moves into the routine, and make it unique to themselves, but I’m just never good at doing that on the spot.” Ethan nodded in understanding, watching as Sean gave a final sigh before smiling a bit. “Well, thanks, Ethan,” he continued softly. “You’re not too bad.” Ethan chuckled softly, watch as Sean recollected himself before walking back to where the acrobats practiced. The young brunette looked down at his hands, humming softly.

“Good job,” Ethan heard someone say softly from behind him. He glanced over his shoulder, smiling gently when he saw Mark. “Good job with, Jack,” he continued, explaining as he exited the tent. Ethan smiled shyly, looking down at his hands again. “I was changed by the time Sean came to the tent, Ethan…but I’d say you handled it pretty well on your own.” Ethan looked up at him, his eyes glimmering. Mark’s smile dropped slightly as he gazed back at Ethan…but in a good way; not in an upset way. The way someone stops smiling for a split second when they see something amazing happen, and they just can’t believe their eyes…that’s what Mark looked like when he stared down at Ethan. And Ethan looked the same as he gazed up at Mark. God, their eyes met too often for it to just be a coincidence, Ethan knew that well enough, but he would kill himself before he let Mark know anything about how he felt. And, sure enough, the moment ended when Mark forced his attention away, turning to more important matters.

“Are you ready for your first flying trapeze lesson?” Mark questioned, Ethan’s eyes lighting up with excitement as he practically leaped to his feet, his heart already starting to pound in his chest. “I’ll take that as a yes,” the older man continued simply, Ethan nodding his head reassuringly afterward. “I’ll show you a few simple tricks, like learning to flip from your bar to my bar and grab my hands, or how to hoist yourself up onto your bar, or my bar, and I might teach you how to maneuver yourself back to your own bar. This is really just going to be the basics. We can always move up from there, depending on how comfortable you feel with what you’re learning. I don’t want anything we do to be too challenging for you, which is why I intend on progressing gradually on your comfort level, as well as the skill you’re developing for new moves.” Ethan smiled shyly. It was nice to know that his partner valued his safety. He was sure the man valued everyone’s safety…but it was still a nice feeling. “Ready?”

“You wouldn’t believe how ready I am,” Ethan joked, wanting to leap with excitement. He could hardly contain himself. The older man must have noticed, for he chuckled softly, shaking his head in something similar to disbelief.

“How about this, Mr. Nestor,” Mark proposed, Ethan’s knees almost buckling from the sound of his voice and his name on the older man’s tongue, “I race you over there?” Ethan smiled a bit. “You don’t have to say yes, of course,” Mark continued teasingly. “I know it would be awful for you to have to lose to me, which is why I’m giving you the offer to chicken out before we start so you don’t have to be embarrassed when you don’t make it.” Ethan giggled softly.

“As much as I appreciated your sympathy offer, Mr. Fischbach,” Ethan returned, his voice airy as he looked up at Mark gently. “I think I’ll take the latter.” He smiled simply, his heart beating a bit. Faster in his chest as he looked at Mark. “Besides, I think we both know well enough I would _destroy_ you in a race.” Mark cocked an eyebrow slightly, taking a step forward.

“Is that a challenge?” Mark whispered.

Ethan looked up at him shyly, biting his lip as their eyes met. The older man’s stern eyes softened as he looked down at Ethan, and the young man couldn’t help but feel himself starting to melt inside. It was as if the only thing that mattered was the moments they shared whenever their eyes met, and the world seemingly fell still. It was like it was just the two of them…gazing at each other with a look that Ethan knew had to be more than just friendly. But he knew well enough that neither of them would take action on it, so the young man forced his eyes away from Mark. He grinned a bit, glancing back at Mark. “Yes, Mr. Fischbach, it _is_ a challenge,” he returned, grinning happily as he raced off toward the trapeze without warning. Mark chuckled softly, and Ethan could hear the sound of him running behind him a few seconds later.

“I never said go!” Mark insisted, but he simply laughed as he raced after his partner.

“That’s the _point_!” Ethan shouted back to him, his legs thudding against the grass as he raced toward the trapeze. He laughed with excitement, not a care in the world as the air whipped through his hair while he darted across the field, Mark trailing not too far behind. Ethan was going to win, obviously, but he was enjoying this. For a few seconds, he almost forgot they were at the circus. It felt as if the two of them were just raising through the countryside on their own, no intention to it apart from the rush of adrenaline as they chased after each other. _That_ would be a life worth living. “Wahoo!” Ethan yelled, running faster, and almost stumbling over himself as he finally reached the trapeze, standing at the bottom as he caught his breath. He glanced at Mark, who ran beside him before he stopped, smiling.

“Cheater,” Mark joked.

“To some, maybe,” Ethan teased. “I would have preferred the word _clever_.” Mark scoffed playfully, rolling his eyes as he watched Ethan lean against the latter, gripping one of the rungs as he caught his breath. “I totally would have beat you either way,” he continued breathlessly, grinning at his partner who looked back at him with a smile. “Not to brag or anything, but I’m a pretty fast runner, as you already saw when I beat you.” Mark smiled simply, giving Ethan a mock sardonic look before he gestured his head to the ladder. Ethan looked at it, his heart skipping a beat with excitement. He could hardly believe that he would be climbing to the top of it…

“Climb it,” Mark said. Ethan glanced at him, a smile growing on his face.

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Ethan replied, grinning with excitement as he turned back to the ladder. He noticed out of the corner of his eye Mark walking to the other side of the trapeze, where there was a similar ladder to lead him up to a separate platform, one across from Ethan’s. The young man smiled, taking a deep breath before gripping the rung of the ladder tightly. Within a few seconds, Ethan found himself climbing up the chestnut wood ladder, making sure to hold on tightly so he wouldn’t fall. He could hardly believe he was doing this. Ethan could _hardly believe_ that everything he ever wanted was about to be in front of him. This truly _was_ a fresh start for him, and the young man wasn’t going to waste it. So up he climbed, his heart in his throat as he was mindful of the placement of his hands and feet, so he wouldn’t fall from a tremendous height. There might have been a net underneath the bars to catch them, but there certainly wasn’t one underneath the ladder; he would kill himself if he fell backward. But he supposed that was part of the thrill.

Ethan hesitantly glanced to his left, smiling as he watched Mark climb, his attention focused only on the rungs ahead of him as he journeyed further. The young man was quick to do the same, his heart thudding heavily in his chest as the cycle repeated. He would reach for another rung, pulling himself closer to the platform. Ethan made sure to move quickly, however. He wanted to impress his partner, after all, …and he knew well enough Mark wouldn’t be impressed if he took forever to get up the ladder. So, he moved swiftly, grinning as he finally reached the last rung. He gripped the fence that surrounded the platform, preventing trapeze artists from stumbling off, and he hoisted himself onto the platform. He let out a sigh of relief, noticing how red his hands were. Nevertheless, he brushed them off on his tights, his attention soon focusing off to the horizon line. Ethan’s eyes widened slowly as he hesitantly pulled himself to his feet, his eyes glued to the distance as he studied it with wonder. Everything just looked so _perfect_. He could see the train station they had been dropped off at, and he could see the winding dirt roads that lead to it. The young man could see a small town off in the distance, which consisted of a few houses, and he noticed the farmland that seemed to stretch for miles behind it. Ethan gripped the fence carefully, a small smile creeping on his face. He was almost mesmerized by the sight in front of him. It was just _amazing_.

“Magnificent view, isn’t it?” He heard Mark shout from the other side. Ethan glanced over his right shoulder, smiling when he noticed Mark standing on the opposite side, which was _several_ feet away from his platform. It was obvious that Ethan would have to make quite the leap to reach him, even when timing it correctly. “Well, Mr. Nestor, do you see a small stool over there?” The young man glanced to his side, giving a nod. “There’s chalk in it! Put some on your hands!” Ethan did as he was told, reaching over and applying a layer of chalk on his hands, humming softly. “Alright, now, you’re going to have to leap onto the bar in front of you. Usually, we have an acrobat to lean out and retrieve it, but they’re all at practice. _Don’t_ go yet. I’ll verbally explain what we’re doing before you decide to start going.” Ethan nodded again.

“Alright,” Mark hummed, clearing his throat. “I’m going to be getting in catcher’s position. You remember how you’re supposed to grab and hold my hand, correct?” Ethan nodded, almost blushing. How could he forget? “Good,” he continued. “You’re going to leap onto your trapeze bar and swing back and forth. Get the correct acceleration you need in order to get over. Now, we practiced your flips yesterday for a reason. You’re going to perform a _flip_ over and grab my hands. When you grab my hands, just relax your body, apart from your arms, and allow yourself to swing back and forth. Does that sound good?” Ethan nodded hesitantly. “Alright. You’re most likely not going to land this on the first try, and that’s okay, but you have to remind yourself that you are fifty feet above the ground and that there is a _net_ to catch you. When you fall, relax your body and just let gravity take you. If you tense up or try to land on your feet, you could end up fracturing something if you get in the wrong position. Do you understand what I’m saying?” Ethan nodded again, sucking in a deep breath.

“Okay,” Mark said finally, chalking up his hands. “Just the main things to remember: jump to the bar, swing back and forth, flip over, grab my hands, relax your body. Simple and easy.” Ethan said nothing as he watched Mark walk to the edge of the platform, taking a deep breath before he lunged forward, outstretching his arms and grabbing the trapeze bar. Ethan bit his lip, watching as he hung there for a few seconds before he pulled himself up like he was doing a pull-up, hoisting himself onto the bar. Ethan grinned a bit, watching as Mark shifted so that he was standing on the bar, balancing so that he wouldn’t fall off. He turned around carefully, his back facing Ethan as he lowered himself carefully onto the bar, hooking his legs underneath it for grip. After taking a deep breath, Mark leaned forward, his lower legs still gripping the bar as he hung upside down, facing Ethan now. The young man chuckled softly, watching as Mark swung back and forth carefully. “Alright, I’ve done my part,” he hummed. “Now do yours.”

“Okay…” Ethan breathed out, slowly walking over to the edge of the trapeze platform, his heart in his throat as he looked to the bar. God, this was going to be a bad idea or the best decision of his life. He took a small breath before he leaped toward the bar, grabbing it. The young man’s eyes widened as he swung back and forth on impact, but he felt the bar firmly in his grasp. Mark smiled at him proudly. “Now what?” Ethan questioned hesitantly.

“Take a look at how the both of us are swinging at different times,” Mark mentioned. “Study this pattern for a few seconds as you swing back and forth to determine when it’s the best time for you to let go, leap, flip, and land. It’s a process that has to be done rather quickly.” Ethan nodded. He took a small breath, readjusting his grip as he swung back and forth. Now or never.

“Here goes nothing….” Ethan whispered. He took a final deep breath before he swung forward, allowing himself to let go of the bar. As he did, he found himself being propelled forward. He remembered what he was supposed to do, and he quickly turning forward, performing the front flip that was requested. As he found himself facing Mark again, he realized that he had gone too late. This happened within the span of two seconds, but the world seemed to be going in slow motion as Ethan reached his hand out, even though he knew Mark had already swung back and wouldn’t be able to grab him. The young man’s eyes widened as instead of grabbing onto someone, gravity forced him down. “Fuck!” He shouted, plummeting down fifty feet and onto the net. He sucked in a deep breath as his back hit the net. It didn’t hurt. Ethan exhaled heavily, swallowing thickly as he slowly sat up, his heart thudding forcefully in his chest. 

“You okay, Ethan?” Mark called down to him.

Ethan, a bit shook up, hesitantly nodded his head. “I’m fine!” He shouted back to him, crawling to the edge of the net before he lowered himself down to the grass again. “Just surprised, you know? I mean, no one really gets used to plummeting fifty feet.” Mark laughed from all the way in the air, still swinging back and forth. 

“Well, get up here!” He insisted. “Let’s get this right.”

∞§—————§∞

The entire morning seemed to be a series of trial and error, where Ethan couldn’t seem to get it right. No matter how many times he leaped and flipped, he found himself plummeting fifty feet to the net, and his heart would beat just as fast as it did every time he fell. Mark must have thought he was stupid, or something. Mark made it look so easy. He even made a point of demonstrating how to Ethan how he was supposed to flip, and how he was supposed to land, and how he was supposed to time everything right. Ethan was now entirely convinced that Mark was just perfect and that there was no way he himself could possibly live up to being his partner. Yet, each time the older man shouted down to him to ask if he was okay, encouraging him to try again while reminding him they could take a break whenever Ethan wanted. But the young man didn’t want to take a break…not until he got it right at least once. But, at the rate they were going, it seemed as if he was never going to be able to get it right. 

Nevertheless, Ethan stood at the edge of the platform, his heart pounding in his chest as he took a deep breath. He told himself each time that _this_ would be the one…but it never seemed to be. He would rebuild his confidence, only for it to fly away again as he fell down from the trapeze. The feeling of the net underneath his back was starting to become somewhat routine, Ethan knew that we enough. But that didn’t stop him. As much as he wanted to give up and curl into a ball on his cot in the tent, he knew that doing so would get him nowhere. He couldn’t _become_ somebody unless he was actively attempting. “You can do it, Ethan!” Mark shouted over, which was starting to become routine of him. Nevertheless, the words went straight to Ethan’s heart, and he couldn’t help but believe him, despite the number of times that the man had repeated it. He took a deep breath, giving himself a reassuring nod as he leaped forward, gripping the bar. The number of times he had re-chalked his hands seemed almost unsanitary. Nonetheless, he gave Mark a grin, already starting to study the way he was swinging, and when he would need to jump. The young man was tired of practice becoming a game of trial and error. For once, he just wanted it to be _successful_. This would be the time, goddamnit. 

Ethan took a deep breath, his heart in his throat as he looked at Mark. And, for the first time during practice, their eyes met. And Ethan just couldn’t bear to drag his attention away, their gaze tied as he swung back and forth, nodding reassuringly. His partner smiled at him gently, his eyes softening as he kept his arms outstretched so Ethan could grab his hands. The young man took a deep breath, finally peeling his attention away as he found himself leaping forward, a lump in his throat as the world slowed down and he flipped forward. He outstretched his hands as he always did, which only seemed to leave him empty-handed as he plummeted to the ground. But this time…this time, his hands met Marks. Ethan looked up at Mark as he grabbed his hands, gripping them tightly, the correct way, and feeling himself swinging. It was like he was flying…it was like he was soaring. Ethan grinned as wide as he could before he giggled, Mark smiling back at him. 

“I knew you could do it,” Mark whispered softly, a smile plastered on his face as the two of them swung back and forth together. “I’m gonna let go now, okay? Since you don’t know how to get back to your own bar, or to hoist yourself onto mine.” Ethan smiled up at him gently, nodding in understanding. And, like that, the two let go of each other’s hands and Ethan found himself falling onto the net again…but this time, he didn’t care. This time, it felt good to feel the net beneath his back. And, soon enough, Mark dropped himself down after him, shouting with excitement. Ethan crawled off the net, giggling softly as Mark did the same, gazing at him with a certain look in his eye that Ethan couldn’t place. But it felt right. Mark leaned over to him, wrapping him in a hug. “I knew you could do it,” he repeated, his voice still a hushed whisper as his arms hooked around his waist. Ethan blushed, knowing well enough Mark couldn’t see it. The young man wrapped his arms loosely around his neck, hugging him back before they both pulled away. “Just you wait, Ethan,” Mark joked. “You’ll be a famous trapeze artist someday.”

“Is that Mark Fischbach _smiling_?” Ethan heard someone question. He glanced over his shoulder, grinning when he saw Sean and a few other acrobats walking over. Minnie was the one who spoke up, but she smiled simply. Sean grinned as he rushed over to Ethan.

“We saw you land it, Ethan!” Sean exclaimed with excitement.

Minnie hummed simply. “Glad you finally found someone who can make you smile, Mark,” she mentioned. “None of your other partners ever seemed to do that.” Ethan glanced at Mark, biting his lip. 

He never wanted this to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go guys! A chapter that's a bit on the longer side. Now, just a few notes. Obviously, I didn't wanna make Momilplier seem like a bad person (because she is absolutely amazing), which is why she is not canon in this fic. Instead, his mom has a different name and alias. Her first name hasn't been revealed yet, because women referred to themselves as Mrs, followed by their husband's full name, during the time period. Hense Mrs. Edward Fischbach.
> 
> Another thing is that I'm currently plotting out the smut scene, which isn't coming up SOON, but like, it's not far away...because I am absolutely terrified. I've never written smut before, and I don't want to be like other smut fics, because they always seem to have rough animal sex in those. That's not going to happen here. I want there to be love, I want there to be passion, I want there to be a story around it, a reason why they're doing it and not "just because", as well as the fact that it's going to be the first time for one of them (take a wild guess) and that's supposed to be an emotional, important moment.  
> Basically what I'm saying is that I don't want to rush it, so plotting out every single little thing that's going to happen is what's keeping me from updating three times a day, and has limited be to only once or twice (which, I know is rough, but it's gotta be done)
> 
> I don't want the smut scene to be some quick, meaningless thing that an author tosses in to appeal to the audience that only searches up these fanfics for the sex parts. If you're looking for that here, you probably will not find it. 
> 
> Anyway, again, I thank you for your support. Thank you so much for 100 Kudos, that's insane. As always, if you haven't already and you're too scared to hit that button, Kudos + Comments are appreciated.
> 
> Thank you,   
> Simply


	14. The World Gave Me You

Ethan laid on his cot, looking up at the ceiling of the tent before he reached for his book from the grassy floor. The young man had borrowed it from Mr. Carter’s suitcase, the older man claiming that it would give him something to pass the time when he wasn’t in practice. Ethan sat up slightly, not wanting to be laying down when he read, so he repositioned his foot to be hanging off the side of the cot. The young man opened the book, taking out the circus advertisement that he had found himself using as a bookmark, and resting it down beside him as he resumed at the top of the page where he left off. Of course, he had left off mid-sentence, so Ethan couldn’t exactly remember what was happening in the book, but he read it anyway. Part of him was doing it because he was bored, but the other part of him was doing it because he wanted to practice with his attention span. It was getting better for him, at least. The young man no longer found himself trailing off mindlessly into anecdotes where he couldn’t remember the beginning, and he had started to learn the names of the other ensemble members, most of which he remembered. Names were probably the hardest bit of it, but he supposed _everyone_ was a little confused when they tried to remember someone’s name after meeting only once.

A week had passed already. The fact that Ethan hadn’t quite finished the book, which wasn’t exactly dictionary length, upset him slightly, but he supposed it could also be due to practicing so often throughout the day. Ethan wouldn’t trade his schedule for the world, though. He loved being able to fly through the air in the morning, which was more refreshing than taking a shower, he knew that well enough. He loved soaring across the sky, holding onto Mark’s hands tightly before flipping backward, repositioning himself and learning how to jump back to his own trapeze swing. Ethan found himself learning more than he ever would have imagined…learning how to hoist himself up onto Mark’s bar, only then to lean forward and have Mark catch him by his ankles as he plummeted down. He learned how to hold onto his bar with one hand, his arm swooping up in an almost theatrical way, which Mark claimed would have the audience at the edge of their seat with anticipation. Ethan sure hoped that was the case, at least. And the young man had learned to prevent himself from plummeting fifty feet, whether that be telling Mark to toss him back to his own trapeze swing, or hoisting himself up to sit on Mark’s.

Soon enough, the duo became the attention of several acrobats, who would find themselves standing at the bottom of the trapeze and watching the two of them fly through the air together, laughing and shouting and smiling and just _gazing_ at each other endlessly. It was a wonderful feeling knowing Mark would look into his eyes when he was in the air, and Ethan would almost forget that he was holding onto Mark’s hands. He would just feel like the two of them were flying together, and the young man’s heart would race quickly in his chest whenever Mark merely _smiled_ at him in the air. God, whenever Mark even _looked_ at Ethan the young man’s head would start to spin. Of course, he never mentioned it to his partner, but holy shit he wanted to. The young man just wanted to be able to sit out and watch the sunrise with him while Mark whispered sweet nothings into his ear, and just the mere thought of it was enough for Ethan to blush. All the young man wanted to do was to lean on his partner’s shoulder, Mark’s arm wrapped around his waist and holding him close as they just breathed together, their eyes off toward the horizon.

Ethan wanted Mark to hold him close in his arms. He wanted the older man to tell him about his past, running his hands gently through his hair as he whispered in his ear. Just the thought of it was enough to make Ethan’s heart ache longingly…God, what he would give to be able to look into Mark’s eyes that very second and explain everything to him. Surely his partner wouldn’t even begin to understand how he felt about him…but it was nice to daydream. It was nice to be able to daydream about Mark wrapping his arms around his waist and just looking down at him with a loving gaze in his eye. Ethan couldn’t help but sigh from the thought. It was more than enough to get his heart racing in his chest, that was for sure. He would give anything. Nevertheless, the young man simply sat at the edge of his cot, still holding the book in his hand as he stared down blankly at the pages. Ethan was barely even reading any of the words, anyway. Instead, the young man was thinking about his partner, trying to search for signs of Mark possibly admiring him, which he knew didn’t exist. Simply friends were all it seemed they would ever be, and Ethan knew he was supposed to be fine with, considering how they hadn’t exactly started off strongly in the beginning…but he just wanted more. And he knew well enough it was _stupid_ and _wrong_ to even think about it…but part of him just couldn’t help it. 

Ethan glanced up from his book hesitantly, gazing across the way at Mark. The older man was laying on his cot, holding the letter his mother had wrote in his hand as he studied it. The young man had a sympathetic smile, watching silently so his partner wouldn’t realize he was looking. Ethan had noticed Mark re-reading the letter more often, and he hadn’t quite mentioned it to him yet. However, the young man noticed that whenever Mark read it, his eyes would gloss over slightly as he held the piece of paper in his hands, and his body just seemed incredibly _numb_. Ethan honestly didn’t know why the man did it to himself, but he never interrupted him or what he was doing. And, whenever Mark re-read the letter…Ethan could picture the words on the page in his head. He could picture the meaningless letters that had been inked down one after the other from his mother, and his heart couldn’t help but hurt for him. God, whenever Mark held that letter in his hand…Ethan just wanted to hug him. He wanted to hug him and tell him to forget everything and just let go of it all as he himself had. Letting go of what seemed to be a previous life was only hard when someone tried to hold onto it. The young man shifted on his cot.

“What’s that?” He questioned hesitantly, playing dumb as he gestured his head over to the letter in Mark’s hand. “You’ve been reading it an awful lot recently…” Ethan’s voice trailed off as Mark glanced at him, quickly folding up the letter and resting it aside on his cot. The young man watched as Mark sat up, hesitantly running a hand through his hair before glancing at Ethan, his eyes glistening slightly. Ethan gave him a sympathetic smile.

“It’s nothing,” Mark replied giving a half-smile. Ethan nodded a bit, forcing a smile. He wished Mark would just tell him the truth, but the young man couldn’t let his partner know he had read the letter. “Just the contract that Mr. Carter gave me five years ago…I can’t believe I still have it, honestly. I could have sworn I threw it out the day it expired, since it really meant nothing anymore, but I found it recently and it’s nice to just reread everything. It’s like taking a walk down memory lane, you know? You don’t even remember the things that happened until someone mentions them to you, and then you get all nostalgic about everything, and it feels like you’re living your life over again.” Ethan gave another weak nod. Mark was an awfully good liar…if the boy hadn’t read the letter previously, he truly would have believed that it was just a contract. “What about you?” Mark questioned, looking at the book Ethan was holding in his hands. “Where’d you get that?”

“Mr. Carter let me borrow it,” Ethan explained, shrugging his shoulders. “He told me it could help me pass the time in between practices…I’m really only reading it because I want to work on my attention span. I wasn’t really good at reading through decent sized books when I was younger. I would start at the top of the page, but I would usually close the book halfway down the page, or my eyes would keep going down, but I wasn’t paying attention to anything the book had to say and I would end up having to reread it anyway. It’s getting better, though. I read an entire chapter in one sitting the other day…I felt pretty proud of it.” He looked down at the book shyly, almost embarrassed to admit that doing something so common for most people was an achievement for him.

“Good job,” Mark said softly, his voice sincere. Ethan glanced back up at him, their eyes meeting. “I’m sure someday you’ll be able to read a whole book in one sitting, if you put your mind to it.” Ethan smiled a bit, nodding slightly. “Is it any good?”

“It’s _awful_ ,” Ethan replied, Mark chuckling softly. “I don’t understand how anyone could genuinely sit down in front of a fireplace and open _this_ book. The characters are absolutely insufferable, and they’ve got such God-awful personalities. I’m not even halfway through and I can’t make a connection with any of these characters. How the author got away with writing this is almost _sinful_!” Mark just laughed loudly as Ethan rambled on about how much he hated the book. “I’m serious!” Ethan continued, but he grinned and laughed with Mark as he held the book in his hand. “How Mr. Carter can read this with a straight face makes me question _so many things_! The conflict hasn’t been _introduced_ yet, but I just _know_ I’m going to hate it because the author has made no effort in making anything interesting. It’s just a bunch of words thrown together that drag on _forever and ever_ , and the main characters haven’t even met yet, and they’re expected to be in an arranged marriage and fall in love? In only two hundred pages? I don’t think so.” Ethan tossed the book over to Mark, who caught it and glanced at the title. “ _Awful_ ,” Ethan repeated reassuringly.

“The Heartbreak Underneath the Sun,” Mark read, grimacing from the title. “Why’d you pick this one?”

“I didn’t,” Ethan chuckled. “Mr. Carter just gave it to me and told me it was worth reading. I didn’t think he would _lie_ to me.” Mark grinned, quickly flipping through the pages. “The lead characters aren’t even meant for each other,” he mentioned, shifting so that he was at the edge of the cot. “They hardly know enough about love to be able to feel affection for another person…and the woman is just so _selfish_ in this. It’s hard to read whenever she’s in the chapter.” Mark rested the book aside, shrugging his shoulders simply. “You should give it a shot,” Ethan continued, smiling teasingly at his partner who rolled his eyes playfully in return. “I bet you couldn’t make it past the first three chapters.”

“Believe it or not, I don’t want to find out,” Mark joked. He smiled, standing up from the cot and stretching. Ethan watched him sheepishly, biting his lip as he leaned back on the palms of his hands, watching how his partner glanced at him again. “I was thinking maybe you wanted to look at the stars,” he continued quickly, glancing his head to the entrance of the tent. “The sun’s already set and all…but maybe we can try to search for our destinies together?” Ethan smiled softly, sitting up as he looked at Mark, noticing how his eyes almost sparkled. “Unless you’d rather read to find out what happens in that book of yours.” He tossed the book back over to Ethan, who just barely caught it. The young man smiled, resting the book aside before standing to his feet. Mark grinned, gesturing for Ethan to follow him as he left the tent. Ethan trailed behind him contently, taking a breath of fresh air.

Ethan walked beside Mark before sitting down next to him, only a few feet from the tent. The young man let out a content sigh as he leaned back on his palms, looking up at the sky with wonder. Sequin-silver stars, scattered like embers against the dark silhouette of a sky, twinkling and illuminating the ground below like the moon. The young man watched the stars, searching for patterns and constellations that he could point to, his heart beating steadily in his chest. “I wonder how many people in the world are looking up at the stars, too,” he whispered softly, his voice light and airy as he cocked his head slightly. “The same set of stars…but they can mean something entirely different from one person to another.”

“Well aren’t you quite the philosopher,” Mark whispered, glancing over at Ethan. The young boy smiled sheepishly, glancing back at his partner, who smiled at him sweetly. “I like to think that the people who look up at the stars are trying to find themselves,” he continued, gazing at Ethan gently, their gaze not parting. “People who look up at the stars at night are just lost souls who are trying to find the bits of themselves they lost along the way…and they’re just hoping that they can find something meaningful in their life before they die just like everyone else.” Ethan’s eyes softened as he glanced away from Mark, his heart sinking in his chest as he looked up at the stars longingly. “That’s what I think, at least…” his partner continued in a whisper. Ethan bit his lip, humming softly.

“Or maybe looking at the stars reminds them of someone…” Ethan breathed out, shifting a bit closer to Mark, hoping he didn’t notice. “Maybe they like to look at the brightest star in the sky and claim that it’s the soul of someone they once loved, who is lost.” Ethan smiled softly. “And maybe…maybe when they look up at the stars, they just feel _content_ , like they’re holding someone they love close in their arms for what. Feels like the first time in a lifetime…” his voice trailed off as he paused thoughtfully. “Or maybe the stars help them see how completely _blind_ they’ve been, and how someone they love was right there the entire time, and they just needed to be reminded that they were there.” Ethan’s eyes softened as he looked down at the grass, noticing how Mark glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. The young man’s heart skipped a beat in his chest as he let out a soft breath. “But who knows…” he continued in a whisper, looking back up at the stars longingly. “Stars are mysterious like that…”

The young man exhaled contently as he leaned back, feeling the grass against his shoulders as he looked up at the stars. His heart was beating heavily in his chest as he felt the breeze blowing against him. All Ethan could do was look up at the stars, his heart in his throat as he felt Mark shift closer to him. The young man gave a watery smile, his gaze fixed on the sky. “You really think our destiny is up there somewhere?” He whispered softly, his voice airy as he noticed Mark hesitantly nodding his head. “You really think we can find it?” The young man waited for a response, but he didn’t receive one. Mark shifted closer to him again. Ethan continued to look up at the sky, and the fact that Mark was sitting up next to him almost prevented him from speaking. He could barely manage to find the right words as he attempted to sputter out a question. “Have you found yourself, yet?” Ethan managed, referring to when Mark had mentioned what he thought people were looking for when they gazed up at the stars. “Or are you still looking?” There was a long silence between the two of them, and Ethan could feel regret seeping through his veins. It had been a stupid question, and his heart was soon pounding in his chest.

Mark glanced down at him lightly, a simple smile on his face. “I don’t need to find myself…” he whispered softly, resting his hand beside Ethan. “I already found you…”

Ethan felt his body go weak as Mark leaned down slowly, gently connecting their lips. The young man took a soft breath before he held it in his chest, allowing his eyes to fall shut as he leaned into Mark’s touch. The feeling of Mark’s lips against his…it was all he ever wanted. The young man reached his hand up blindly, holding the left side of Mark’s face in his hand as he kissed him slowly, his heart thudding in his chest that he could have sworn his partner would be able to hear it. But he didn’t care. All he wanted to do was hold onto this moment in time forever, his heart feeling as if it was about to beat right out of his chest as he felt Mark’s hot breath against his lips. Ethan couldn’t breathe, but he loved it. He loved _this_. The feeling of knowing there was no one around but the stars above them…it was something straight out of a fairytale book he had read as a child. Mark cupped Ethan’s face in his hands gently before pulling away. The young man looked up at Mark lovingly, a small smile growing on his face as Mark met his gaze. After a few seconds, Ethan sat up, saying nothing as he leaned against Mark. The moment didn’t need words…Mark resting his hand on Ethan’s spoke for itself as the partners glanced at each other, their eyes soft and glistening.

“You make me complete, Ethan,” Mark whispered. “I _really_ like you.”

Ethan gave a watery smile. “I really like you too, Mark,” he breathed out. He leaned gently against Mark, his cheek against the older man’s shoulder as he felt Mark squeeze his hand gently. The young man couldn’t help but giggle softly as he looked up at the stars.

He might not have found his destiny…but he found something else. Something _much_ better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, ladies and gentlemen, it finally happened. But, the story doesn't end here...it simply gets a little bit more romantic. Honestly, thank God they kissed, I couldn't hold it off for another chapter.   
> Another small thing I just wanted to mention is that I'm not going to use the "L-word" (love) lightly in this fanfic. They're not just going to be throwing the word around as if it means nothing. When the time comes where I believe the two are close enough in this fanfic to use it, I'll let them use it. For now, they "really like" each other. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for your support. I love reading your comments. Kudos + Comments appreciated, as always. I love seeing new faces down in the comments <3
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	15. We Die in the Shadows

Ethan’s eyelashes fluttered slightly as he felt himself being carefully lifted off of the ground, the familiar feeling of grass against his back vanishing and being replaced by the feeling of being held in someone’s arms. The young man let out a soft yawn, not realizing that he had fallen asleep. Ethan was usually good about that; realizing he had fallen asleep. For the most part, the ting he struggled with was figuring out how long he had been awake for, since that was something he didn’t commonly remember. Nevertheless, Ethan leaned into the touch of whoever was holding him, resting his cheek gently on their chest as he was picked up. The young man smiled softly, his eyes still closed, but he knew well enough who it was. Mark. Who else could it be? He sighed contently, humming underneath his breath before opening his eyes, glancing up at Mark sheepishly. The older man looked down at him, rolling his eyes playfully. His partner was holding him bridal-style, and it was obvious that Mark wouldn’t have picked him up in. The first place if he had known the young man would have ended up waking up within two seconds regardless. Nevertheless, Ethan smiled smugly, resting his head against Mark’s chest again, breathing softly.

The young man gave a watery smile when he remembered what had happened just a mere matter of minutes ago between the two of them. He could still remember the feeling of his heart wanting to race out of his chest as he lay almost numbly in the grass, Mark holding his face gently in his hands. Ethan remembered how his lungs felt as if they had been on fire, since he was stupid enough to hold his breath while kissing someone, but he didn’t know what he was supposed to do at the time. The only thing Ethan could do was lay there and hold Mark close as the two shared a moment. He blushed thoughtfully just thinking about it. It really was enough to make the young man cry happily, as stupid as that sounded. Part of him felt _incredibly_ ridiculous for getting so worked up about it, and thinking about it so thoughtfully, but he could hardly help it. Ethan had never felt the urge to have someone close to him as much as he did with Mark. No woman could ever make the young man feel like that, and he knew that well enough. For his entire life, Ethan had wondered why he never found himself fawning over girls his age, and why they had never seemed to interest him; but Ethan had never felt the way around anyone like he did with Mark.

It wasn’t like Ethan had found himself head-over-heels for _boys_ back in Philadelphia either, no. Quite the opposite. Ethan found himself just in the middle, not giving anyone the affectionate attention that he found himself craving from Mark. The young man truly felt as if he had started a new life when he entered the circus…he had discovered more about himself than he had ever thought he would learn, and part of him was almost overwhelmed by it. The thought of homosexuality wasn’t exactly something Ethan had been shielded from when he was younger, considering his mother made a point of bringing him to Church as often as she could. The young man had learned about homosexuality young, and how no man was supposed to lay with a man, and the same for women. He was also reminded of how homosexuals would burn in Hell for the ‘crimes’ they committed against God, and they would be shown no mercy when they arrived on the judgment day. The thought was enough to make Ethan shiver, but he paid it no attention. 

Although he knew well enough the things he had learned would come creeping back eventually. At a young age, Ethan had once mocked the idea of homosexuality. As a boy, Ethan had believed well enough that he could _never_ be like that when he was older, and that he was destined to have the perfect picture-book family his mother reminded him of whenever she had the chance; a wife and biological children. A woman to come home to after a day of work, and children who you could see the resemblance of yourself in. His mother always claimed that would be the life of a man who lived in a perfect world…and for the longest time, Ethan had believed her. Of course, he wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to doubt the way he felt about Mark, or if he was supposed to _hate himself_ for it…but part of him just wanted to defy whatever anyone had to say about it. So, Ethan clung to Mark, sighing contently.

After a few seconds, Ethan could feel the cot against his back as Mark began to rest him down gently. The young man looked up at his partner, giving a gracious watery smile as he felt Mark drape the blankets over him. He didn’t know how he had been lucky enough to find someone like Mark, who made him happy both as a friend and as something more. The young man yawned again, noticing how his partner chuckled softly as he gazed down at him. “Well, I’ll leave you to sleeping,” Mark mentioned, giving a gentle smile before he turned to walk back to his cot. Ethan sat up slightly, propping himself up on his elbows as he looked at Mark with a serious look in his eye, one that drew the older man back. “Something you need?” He asked softly, crouching down beside the younger man with a concerned look in his eye. Ethan gave a half-smile, thinking for a few seconds. “Ethan, if you want me to stay, all you have to do is ask,” the older man continued, chuckling softly as he looked at his partner.

“When you said I… _completed_ you…” Ethan breathed out, swallowing thickly before biting his lip as he looked at his partner, “did you say it because you meant it? Or did you say it because you liked the kiss and it was all just in the heat of the moment?” The young man’s eyes softened as he looked at Mark, who gazed back at him simply. “Because if this… _us_ …I don’t wanna continue if it’s not going to mean anything to you. I’ve never felt like this about _anyone_ before, boy nor girl, back in Pennsylvania. I may be _new_ to all of this, but I don’t want to give all of myself to you if you’re not going to take any of it seriously. If this is just going to be something that lasts for as long as my contract does…then _tell me_. Maybe I won’t get too attached.” The young man gave a half-smile as he looked at Mark, longing for an answer. “But…if you really do think we have a chance…tell me. I want to know what it’s like to fall in love with someone, Mark. I want to know what it’s like to give everything you have and everything you _are_ to another person; I want that to be us eventually.” 

“Ethan,” Mark whispered softly. “Of course I meant it.”

“Why?” Ethan questioned, looking at Mark seriously. 

“Why did I mean it?” His partner asked, Ethan nodding his head in return. “Ethan, I meant if because I’ve never met _anyone_ like you. I’ve never met someone who despite how I treated them in. The beginning, and how my first impression was…decided to warm up to me anyway. I’ve never met anyone who within the first day has tried to strike up a conversation, or tell me a story, because everyone else was always too afraid to say _anything_. I’ve never found myself warming up to any of my partners, and I’ve never found myself wanting to spend time alone with someone as much as I want to spend time alone with _you_. I’ve never, in my entire life, let my walls down for anyone so willingly as I did with you, because you were just _compassionate_. Despite how I treated you horribly in the beginning, you made the greatest effort just to get me to look you in the eyes…I couldn’t act like an asshole around you because I knew it would hurt you; I never wanted to hurt you, Ethan. Not then, not now, and not ever.” Ethan gave a half-smile.

“Ever since I joined the circus when I was younger, part of me was just missing,” Mark whispered, his voice low as he continued. “I thought that I could fill the other half of me with being a trapeze artist, so I pursued it as long as I could, and I stayed past my contracts because I thought that if I worked hard enough I could be _complete_.” The older man shook his head almost in disbelief. “I truly thought that the circus would be able to fix _everything_ about me…” his voice trailed off as he looked Ethan in the eyes. “But I guess it did…because the circus gave me you.” Mark gave a watery smile as he shifted on the balls of his feet. “You were different from any other person I’ve ever met; you wanted to know the real me, and you _constantly_ made yourself so _vulnerable_. You let your walls down just so I could let down mine; you conversed with me, you laughed with me, you _dreamed_ about life with me. So _yes,_ Ethan Nestor, you complete me. Because I’ve never been able to do that with any other person since the day I joined the circus, because nobody made any attempts to try and see me for who I like to think of myself as.” Mark smiled, taking Ethan’s hands in his.

“I don’t want this to just be something that lasts as long as your contract does, either,” he continued, his voice still soft and promising. “Because I know well enough that even if I searched this entire Earth for someone, I would never find _anyone_ who even came remotely close to being as selfless and considerate as you’ve been to me this past week.” Mark paused. “I want to give this a shot. I want to give _us_ a shot.”

“I do too…” Ethan breathed out. He loved this feeling…the feeling of Mark’s hands in his as they looked at each other with a gentle gaze. If this was only the beginning, he wanted to see where this feeling could take him. The young man sat there for a few seconds, however, biting his lip hesitantly as he looked at Mark. “Will this… _change anything_?” He questioned softly, swallowing thickly. “Say we give this a shot and it doesn’t work…and everything just _falls apart_. Then what? Is everything ruined? Does everything just go back to normal? Do I…do I just leave and pretend like nothing happened? Like you didn’t exist and that we never…” his voice trailed off sadly. God, he wanted this to work. He wanted what they had to work, but the young man couldn’t help but doubt it at the same time. He just didn’t want to get his heart broken. That was the hard thing about Ethan easily trusting someone…it happened far too often. Now, all of a sudden…the young man was _sad_. He just wanted this so bad, but knowing that everything could go wrong and he would become _nothing_ again…it hurt.

“I don’t want this to change anything between us,” Mark whispered reassuringly, giving Ethan a gentle smile as he squeezed his hands gently. “We’re still partners and we’re still trapeze artists. We put our art before whatever this is between us, okay? We don’t think about it when we’re on the trapeze, just like before. Neither of us thought about what we had before because we didn’t have anything; we just have to keep it like that. We can still be friendly with each other, and we can still crack jokes and smile. No one will notice anything as long as everything stays on the down-low, and none of us start going out of our way to draw attention to this.” Mark let out a soft sigh. “No one can know,” he continued slowly, looking at Ethan with a serious expression. "Not about us and not about how we feel toward each other. _No one_. Not even Jack.” Ethan nodded in understanding. He had no intention of telling anyone, but he supposed Mark wanted to remind him, considering he was one to run his mouth. “And you certainly don’t tell Mr. Carter. He would have no problem firing us, or worse.” Ethan gave another nod.

“I won’t,” Ethan whispered.

“We can _never_ tell anyone…” Mark whispered, his voice serious. “We live in the shadows and we die in the shadows. Wherever this takes us, no one can know. No one gets to know the truth. If anyone knows, we’re dead. Does that make any sense?” Ethan took a deep breath, nodding hesitantly. “To the world, Ethan, we’re just partners. And that’s all we’ll ever be to the world.” The young man sighed as he looked down at his hands. Part of him hurt knowing that this would be the way things would most likely always be, but it was a risk worth taking. _We die in the shadows_. That was all Ethan could think about. No matter how much affection they showed toward each other, they could never show it in public, and they could never live happily in a society where they weren’t accepted. _We die in the shadows_. 

“We die in the shadows…” Ethan repeated softly, giving a small nod of his head as he glanced up at Mark. 

“Some of us were born in the shadows,” Mark mentioned, giving a half-smile as he looked at Ethan gently. He sighed. “We don’t have to do this.”

“I want to do this.”

“You don’t know what you want, Ethan,” Mark said softly.

“I don’t care if I have to die knowing that none of the world got to see us for who we are,” Ethan insisted, furrowing his eyebrows slightly. “I don’t care what they think about us.” He took a deep breath. The young man just wanted to go to bed. He didn’t want to think about any of this anymore. “I don’t need their praise to feel good about myself or feel good about _us_. I want to give this a shot, but not if you don’t think I’m ready to think for myself.”

Mark sighed softly, giving the young man a sympathetic look, almost as if he pitied him. “You should go to bed,” he whispered softly, pausing as he stood to his feet, hesitantly letting go of Ethan’s hand. The young man’s heart sunk in his chest as he looked up at Mark. “We’ve got practice tomorrow. Time stops for no one.” The young man swallowed thickly, giving a hesitant nod of his head as he pulled the blankets over his shoulder. Mark glanced at him one last time before he walked over to his own cot, blowing out the candle on the table that separated their sections of the tent. The young man rolled over onto his left shoulder, letting out a shaky breath as he curled up into a small ball. He felt hurt all over, and he just wanted to _sob_. But he didn’t. Ethan simply closed his eyes, his breath quivering as he found himself falling to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for 1000 Hits! I know it's probably not that big of a deal, but it means a lot to me. I've entered a stage of writer's block, which sucks because I know where the story is going, but I'm not completely sure how to get it out onto the page. Nevertheless, here is a small chapter. Although short, it provides an explanation and a start to the mood-shift in the story. Now, the mood-shift isn't going to be entirely negative. However, the plot will start to introduce triggering themes, as mentioned in the tags of the fic.  
> Just because they are introducing these themes does not mean Mark and Ethan's relationship is suddenly going to become toxic, which sparks a reason for Ethan acting the way he will. Toxic relationships are something often use to produce angst in a fic, but this ruins the entire arching plot because why root for the main couple if they're only going to be at each other's throats the entire time, and you're just 'supposed' to like them because they're your OTP. 
> 
> And, obviously, suicidal thoughts doesn't mean "Mark didn't look at me now I'm gonna fuckin kill myself." I want to move this plot in a deeper direction, and I want to stray away from the other fanfiction norms that have been set where there are minimum chapters, so not much happens and the entire relationship is rushed, the conflict is rushed (if there's any conflict at all), the characters don't develop gradually over time, there's no plot, or that the relationship just has the constant lovey-dovey feeling. Starting a homosexual relationship during this time period wasn't exactly the easiest thing in the world, so I'm not going to make everything entirely simple where they openly show affection in public.
> 
> Branching off of that, the term "gay" won't be used in this book because it wasn't yet a term claimed by homosexuals at the time. Again, I won't be using the word "faggot" either because the word wasn't used as an insult toward gay men until the 1920s, and was hardly even used commonly until the 40's and 50's. This is 1800s. So, they will be referred to as 'homosexuals'.
> 
> Again, I can't thank you guys enough for the support! Kudos + Comments appreciated! <3
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	16. Learning To Fall Apart

Ethan lay awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling of the tent. This was where often seemed to find himself in the morning, but this time was different. It was morning, yes, but extremely early; the sun hadn’t even _started_ to rise into the sky, and it couldn’t be that long past midnight. He could see the moonlight peeking slightly into the tent, draping itself against the grass inside. The young man wrapped the blankets tighter around himself, letting out a heavy sigh. He was thinking too much to sleep…the young man really just needed to clear his mind and relax, then maybe he would be able to get some rest; but he couldn’t. All he wanted to do was think about him and Mark, and how afraid yet excited he was. It was pathetic, almost, how much Ethan craved his partner’s attention and affection now that he knew the older man felt the same way Ethan felt about him. Just _thinking_ about the older man was enough to get his heart racing, and the young man thought that it was just incredibly _stupid_ how he reacted to the mere thought…but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help the way he felt.

But now, Ethan was laying alone in his cot, tossing and turning as he tried to fall back to sleep. He didn’t quite remember waking up, but he almost felt sick to his stomach and his heart had been aching longingly. Hesitantly, the young man took a shaky breath, his bottom lip almost quivering as he buried his face into his pillow, his shoulders tensing up slightly. Ethan just felt _alone_ , despite the fact that Mark wasn’t far from him, only a few feet away. He knew he was far from home, and he knew that Mark and Jack were the only ones he had become accustomed to, and suddenly everything was just flying around his head at once and he almost couldn’t handle it. One thing after the other.Although some parts were happier than others, Ethan just couldn’t _help_ but feel sad. He didn’t say anything though. The young man felt like he was a child again, lying awake in his bed after having a nightmare and biting his tongue so he wouldn’t call out to his mother for help. And then more he thought about it, the more everything just came crashing down at once, and his eyes couldn’t help but water.

The young man missed his mother and his father. He missed his family, but he knew he could never get them back. Ethan wiped his eyes with his blanket, but that didn’t help much. The young man let out a soft whimper, making an almost choking sound as he just _stopped_ caring. Crying helped. His parents liked to believe that crying never helped anything, but it really did. He just let everything out instead of bottling it up and never letting it out or thinking about it. Ethan stopped wiping his eyes as he curled up into a small ball, crying softly on his cot. He could have wailed if he wanted to, considering he felt like wailing, but he didn’t want to wake up Mark. So, he kept his voice low, his shoulders tensing up and shaking slightly, and he could feel his tears staining his cot and pillow. All the young man wanted to do was just hide away somewhere quiet, where no one was around, so that he could just _sob_. He didn’t care if he was in hysterics. At this point, the young man was just crying for the sake of letting everything out. 

At this point, there wasn’t exactly a singular thing Ethan was crying about. He had pooled everything together and was just letting everything out, tears streaming down his face, his eyes starting to sting, and he knew his cheeks would be stained later. Nevertheless, he didn’t care. Ethan was crying over the death of his father and the death of his mother, the fact that people couldn’t know about him and Mark, the idea that maybe everything could change between them if they messed everything up, the idea that he could have wasted his life away when he ran away from home to join the circus. _Everything_. He thought back to when Mark had slapped him and he cried about that too. He didn’t have a reason to cry over it. It was in the past and it didn’t matter, but the young man was just piling one thing on top of the other, feeling almost suffocated. At that point, Ethan didn’t even know if his life was full of hope or full of heartbreak, and he couldn’t even _talk_ to anyone about it. He hardly knew Sean well enough, and he knew that talking about his parents around Mark would just be pointless. After all, it was now apparent to Ethan that his partner had it much worse, and that his parents had barely even loved him in the first place. The older man didn’t even _know_ if they were dead or alive, surely…it made Ethan’s situation seem almost trivial when he compared the two to each other.

Ethan sucked in another deep breath, similar to how one would when they hyperventilated, but this time he held it in his chest as he attempted to calm down. Being overly emotional wasn’t going to help him fall back to sleep, he knew that well enough. He laid on his back again, coughing into his fist before he took another shaky breath. The young man wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, which was now slick with tears. Ethan sniffled softly, holding his breath periodically to stop himself from crying. Instead, he lay on his cot weakly, feeling internally numb, and all because he was crying about thinks that shouldn’t have even mattered to him. But they did matter…they mattered because it was too early in the morning for him to think straight, and he knew that crying on a lack of sleep would get him nowhere. The young man threw his blankets off of him, curling up into a tight ball and letting out a shaky breath, pressing his cheek into his pillow as he glanced across the way. Mark was facing the opposite side of the tent, his back to Ethan as he took up the right side of his cot.

Ethan sat up slightly, swallowing thickly as he reached for his blanket. He took a small breath, glancing outside. It was _extremely_ early in the morning. He knew well enough he wouldn’t be able to fall back to sleep just laying down in a cot. After a few seconds, the young man hesitantly stood up, dragging his blanket behind him as he walked on the balls of his feet over to Mark’s cot. The young man carefully sat down at the edge of the cot, pausing slightly to make sure he wouldn’t wake Mark up. The older man breathed softly as he continued to sleep, his own blankets draped over himself. Ethan hesitantly lifted his legs onto the cot. There wasn’t much room for both of them, but Ethan could care less. He shifted so that he was facing away from Mark, their backs almost pressed together as he draped his own blankets over himself, and partly over Mark, before he pressed his cheek against the cot. He let out a soft, content sigh, his body relaxing around the blankets that enveloped him. Ethan wiped his eyes one last time before closing them, breathing softly. 

Ethan opened his eyes slightly when he felt the cot shifting slightly. He said nothing, his attention fixed at the opposite wall as he heard Mark let out a soft breath, the cot shifting yet again. At that point, it was quite obvious to the young man that he had woken Mark up. “Ethan…?” Mark breathed out tiredly, his voice confused and low with drowsiness. Ethan turned so he was laying on his back glancing at Mark out of the corner of his eye. “What are you doing?” The young boy’s face heated up with embarrassment.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Ethan murmured softly, almost pathetically as he tried to explain why he was there. His face flushed with embarrassment as he continued. “I woke up in the middle of the night and I just felt miserable, and it was too dark to get up and get ready because I wanted to fall back to sleep, but I couldn’t get comfortable on the cot. And I just felt lonely so I thought that maybe if I came over here I could fall asleep easily. And you were laying on the right side, so I thought that maybe if I just lay on the left side I wouldn’t disturb you, but I kinda think I woke you up, so I can just go back to my own cot if you want, because I don’t wanna bother you.”

Mark gave a half-smile, shaking his head playfully. “You’re adorable,” he whispered reassuringly, Ethan giving him a look of confusion, considering that wasn’t exactly the answer the young man had been expecting. He had assumed his partner would simply send him back over to his own cot and mention how there was barely enough room for the two of them…but he didn’t. Mark just smiled at him, chuckling softly as he looked at Ethan. “I don’t mind,” he continued softly, his voice gentle as he carefully repositioned each of their blankets so that they were sharing them. Ethan looked at him almost in shock, turning over on his right shoulder so that he was facing Mark, barely knowing what to say. He gave a watery smile, his mouth quivering as he tried to keep a grin on his face. The older male returned his gaze gently, his eyes softening when he realized Ethan’s eyes were starting to water. “What’s wrong?” He asked softly, sitting up as he looked down at Ethan. 

The young man shook his head slightly, almost as if he was trying to deny the fact that he was starting to cry as he slowly sat up. It was something he would find himself doing when he was younger, never wanting to admit to getting hurt, either physically or emotionally, because he didn’t want anyone to think he was upset…because he had been taught that men weren’t supposed to cry. But, there he was, tears starting to leak from his eyes as he desperately tried to wipe them away with the back of his hand, but he just couldn’t. It was a mixture of sadness and appreciation as he looked up at Mark, his eyes glistening as he gave another watery smile. “Ethan…” Mark breathed out sympathetically, looking down at his partner. Ethan relaxed against Mark’s touch as the older man cupped the left side of his face with his hand. And, slowly, Ethan let himself fall apart, until he found himself leaning forward, wrapping his arms around Mark desperately as if he needed to hold onto him to survive. The young man buried his face in the shoulder of Mark’s nightshirt, letting out a choked sob. Ethan came undone in front of him, his breathing shaky as he just let Mark hold him close in his arms, whispering to him over and over about something of little importance. 

Ethan clung to Mark, getting lost in the feeling of the older man’s arms around his waist. Almost as soon as he started crying, however, he found himself only being able to take deep, gasping breaths as he leaned into Mark’s touch. The older man simply held him, continuing to whisper to him softly as Ethan eventually found himself relaxing into his arms, filled with a mix of embarrassment and relief. His grip on Mark’s nightshirt loosened, the ball of fabric in his hands regaining its original position. “I’m sorry…” he whispered softly, resting his forehead gently on Mark’s shoulder. “I’m sorry that I woke you up…just to _wail_ on you. I didn’t…I didn’t think I would start crying again.” He looked up at Mark hesitantly again,noticing how his look was returned with a gentle, sincere smile. The look itself was enough for Ethan to practically melt, his shoulders slumping slightly as he looked up at Mark with a weak gaze, almost dumbfounded by how truly _considerate_ he was. “Can I stay…?” He whispered softly, resting his head on Mark’s chest as he felt his partner rubbing his back gently to calm him down. Mark chuckled softly.

“All you had to do was ask…” he whispered. Ethan let out a small hum in return against Mark’s nightshirt, pulling away gently after a few seconds. Mark chuckled softly as the young man laid down again, turning on his left shoulder. Ethan let out a soft sigh, feeling Mark drape the blankets over both of them. The young man found himself curling up his legs slightly again, expecting to feel the cot short as Mark turned over to face the other way. However, Ethan felt his body seemingly go numb as Mark hooked an arm over his waist, shifting closer and pressing his nose gently against the nape of the young man’s neck. The young brunette leaned back into his touch, letting out a content sigh, a small smile creeping across his face. Ethan gently closed his eyes, breathing softly as his heart beat slowly and contently, the young man comforted by how close his partner was beside him. Ethan’s heart fluttered in his chest as he felt Mark gently kiss the back of his neck. “Go to bed for real this time,” he teased softly, Ethan giving a small nod. Slowly, the young brunette fell asleep in his arms, feeling content.  
  


∞§—————§∞

Ethan shifted slightly as he found himself waking up, still draped in the same blankets as before. The young man yawned softly, slowly opening his eyes. The young brunette’s cheek was rested on Mark’s chest, the older man’s arms wrapped around him as he held him close. Ethan smiled contently, leaning into his touch before letting out a soft sigh. The young man leaned up toward his partner hesitantly, kissing his cheek before he returned to resting his head near Mark. The young brunette couldn’t help but giggle softly as Mark shifted, letting out a groan and he slowly woke up. At least it wasn’t as early as it was last time. If anything, the pair had slept in later than they should have. Nevertheless, Mark slowly sat up, Ethan falling back onto the cot with a grin. He watched as the older man rubbed his eyes hesitantly, glancing down at Ethan before he looked around the room.

“What time is it?” He yawned, stretching slightly. Mark arched his shoulder-blades back, his spine cracking ever so slightly as his body loosened up from being so stiff. The young man looked up at him lovingly, humming in return as if to say he didn’t know. Mark glanced back down at him, his eyes softening at the sight of the younger boy. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he whispered softly, leaning down and gently pressing his lips against Ethan’s. The young man hummed contently, sighing happily against Mark’s lips as he leaned into his touch, his heart fluttering inside his chest. Ethan reached up gently, cupping the right side of Mark’s face with his hand, his eyes falling shut as he got lost in the feeling of Mark’s lips against his. God, the young man could die like this without complaints. The brunette let out another content sigh, propping himself up on his free elbow, feeling the older man press his hand gently against his chest as he kissed him.

The feeling was everything and more, their lips moving together as Ethan looked up at nothing but the darkness of his eyelids, getting lost in the feeling of deep affection that was almost irreplaceable. Being able to wake up next to his partner, and then be able to be held close and showered with affection…it was more than Ethan could have ever asked for or dreamed of, and he certainly never expected it when he first joined the circus. This had been the _last_ thing he expected…yet he couldn’t imagine living without it now that it was a soon-to-become familiar feeling he could hold in his grasp. Ethan pulled away gently after another second, gazing up at Mark gingerly, his eyes softening as they met Mark’s. “God, you’re beautiful…” Mark breathed out, shaking his head almost in disbelief. The older man leaned down again, but Ethan pressed a firm hand on his partner's chest, trying to stifle his laughter as he sat up.

“I think we should get to practicing before Mr. Carter barges into our tent, demanding why we’re not flying through the air,” Ethan mentioned thoughtfully, giving a half-smile. Mark looked back at him longingly, a glimmering look of affection in his eye that Ethan couldn’t help but laugh gently about. “You wouldn’t want to waste the day away, now would you Mr. Fischbach?” The young man whispered softly, his lips grazing Mark’s again before he pulled away, climbing off of the cot and walking over to his side of the tent. He heard Mark give an exaggerated groan of frustration before falling back on the cot, which caused Ethan to laugh happily. “Oh, hush,” he insisted, glancing back over his shoulder. “I’m still trying to make a good impression for Mr. Carter, and I can’t exactly do that if I’m kissing you all day. I need to be on the trapeze, showing him that I _deserve_ to be here, and that I deserve to have a contract of my own to sign. That _we_ deserve to be the stars of the circus. Just think about it. A new duo flying trapeze act? That’s _headline-worthy_ , Mark. God, our names could be in the papers. We could be famous, so it wouldn’t hurt to have a little bit of extra practice so we don’t make fools of ourselves during a performance.” Mark rolled his eyes playfully. “What, you don’t think my idea is good?” Ethan questioned teasingly, smiling a bit as he rested his hands on his hips. “I’d like to see you come up with a better one.”

“Believe me, Mr. Nestor, I’m full of great ideas,” Mark replied simply, shrugging his shoulders as he stood to his feet. “But I can tell you that as much as I appreciate your dreams of becoming famous off of being a trapeze artist, this isn’t the first time I’ve performed at the upcoming destination. I’ve never had my name featured in the papers, Ethan, regardless whether or not I had a partner.”

“This time will just have to be different, then,” Ethan insisted, falling back on his own cot. “ _This time_ , you and I are going to show the world that we _deserve_ to have our names on the front page, and that people should be bending over backward to get tickets for the performance, just to see us soaring fifty feet above the ground in a death-defying act bound to stun the nation forever! Our names will be engraved in their mind, Mark, just you wait. The thrilling backstory of a once secluded trapeze artist and a runaway as they become the greatest duo America has ever seen! Think of all the attention the traveling circus will get if they just _see_ our performance.” Ethan grinned, almost starstruck at the thought. Mark simply rolled his eyes again, as he had before, but he couldn’t help but smile at his partner. “I would prefer if you took what I was saying seriously,” Ethan insisted, shifting on the cot. “Or is that too hard for you?”

“I would prefer if you started getting change so we can get to practice,” Mark replied. Ethan hummed, nodding his head in agreement as he stood up from his cot, reaching for the costumes that were piled at the foot of it. He walked over, sorting through the colors before he found one that was plain white. The young man smiled, reaching for it happily before glancing at Mark, noticing how he was simply standing there. “You gonna get changed? We don’t have all day, considering you’re in such a rush to impress the old bat.”  
“Turn around.”

“Huh?”

“ _Turn around_ , I can’t get changed when you’re looking,” Ethan insisted, gesturing for Mark to face the other direction. Mark rolled his eyes playfully, dramatically taking a long time to turn around before he was facing the fabric wall of the tent. Ethan paused for a few seconds, making sure the older man was serious about facing in the other direction, before he proceeded to get changed, humming softly. “Alright, done,” he hummed. “That wasn’t so hard.”

“You look good in white,” Mark mentioned, gesturing to Ethan’s attire. The young man blushed, giving a nod of thanks as he shifted awkwardly. 

“I’ll stand outside when you get changed,” Ethan mentioned. He hummed softly, sitting on the bed for a quick second as he slipped on his shoes, noticing how Mark watched him with a gentle gaze. The young brunette glanced up at him, giving a shy smile before he stood up, making his way over to the entrance of the tent. He was about to leave, but Mark quickly grabbed his wrist, pulling Ethan back. “You’re impossible, Mark,” Ethan complained dramatically, although he felt his heart flutter as Mark gently pecked his cheek. “Is that all, Mr. Fischbach?” Ethan questioned teasingly. Mark smiled.

“That’s all, Mr. Nestor,” he replied simply, gesturing his head to the entrance. “Go wait outside.”

“Yes, sir,” Ethan hummed, grinning as he stepped outside of the tent, taking a deep breath as he glanced around, resting his hands on his hips. It was awfully bright out, meaning they most certainly slept in later than originally intended. It didn’t matter to Ethan, though he was sure Mr. Carter was starting to question where they were. The young man had noticed how Mr. Carter sometimes found himself standing at the bottom of the trapeze structure, looking up at the duo with mere interest, although it was never obvious what the man was thinking. Ethan liked to believe that the man was thinking about getting Ethan’s contract squared away, the one he would be signing that would guarantee his position in the traveling circus. God, he couldn’t wait to get his hands on the pen and to sign the slip of paper, legally binding himself to the circus for a certain amount of time. Ethan sighed contently, closing his eyes as he let the breeze waft into his face, blowing through his hair. 

“Alright, let’s get to it,” Ethan heard from behind him. The young man glanced over his shoulder, smiling gently as he saw Mark. “Want me to race you over again? But, if you accept, maybe this time you can have the decency to _wait_ a few seconds for me to get ready, or at least do a count-down.” Ethan chuckled softly as he listened to his partner talk of racing over to the trapeze as if it was the most crucial moment of the day.

“I think I’d rather walk over with you,” Ethan mentioned softly, gazing at Mark in a way he knew he shouldn’t be doing in public, but he just couldn’t help himself. “I guess I’m the one who has the common sense to take things _slow_.” Mark’s eyes widened slightly and he couldn’t help but chuckle, reluctantly shrugging his shoulders as he walked beside Ethan. The young brunette grinned happily, resisting the temptation to lean against his partner and rest his head on the older’s man’s shoulder. Ethan resisted the temptation to ask Mark to hook his arm around his waist as the two of them walked beside each other. He supposed this was the trouble with knowing about how Mark felt for him, and how he himself felt for his partner in return…temptation. But Ethan gave a simple nod as he thoughtfully reminded himself that they had spent the entire night together, and that was more than enough for him. Now, the day would be spent outside, where people could see them and where they would both act like there was nothing going on between them. “I can’t believe I’ve already been here for a week,” he continued, chuckling softly as he looked off to the horizon. “ _Over_ a week,” he admitted. “Almost _two weeks_.”

“Well, we’ve still got so much more time until practices are over, and we start performing,” Mark mentioned thoughtfully. “We’ve got so many more nights where we’ll be able to look at the stars without a care in the world, from the comfort of the outdoors instead of a tavern room while we’re on the road. Or worse, a boxcar.” Ethan chuckled softly. He hadn’t exactly appreciated the journey from Pennsylvania, although he appreciated how he had been able to watch the stars with Mark for the first time, and talk about things of such high importance while acting like they were trivial. “And maybe we might just get our names in the papers, Mr. Nestor.”

Ethan giggled softly. “That would be the dream,” he breathed out in return, letting out a content sigh at the thought of being able to pick up a newspaper and see his name in ink. How he could flip through a page of nothing else but the traveling circus, or about him and Mark as flying trapeze partners. It would be the best feeling in the world. “But, if you keep _horsing around_ ,” Ethan continued teasingly, “we won’t find enough time for practice and I’ll end up forgetting how to even _swing_ in the first place.” Mark chuckled softly at the thought. 

“I would consider what we have to be _horsing around_ ,” Mark admitted. 

“Whatever you want to call it,” Ethan insisted, “it can wait until we have time for it. As much as I love being showered with attention, it’s not the best thing to fill the morning with after we wake up late.” Mark smiled simply. “I did appreciate what you did for me last night though,” Ethan continued softly, his voice sincere as he looked at Mark. “I…I honestly don’t know what got over me. I didn’t even have anything to be upset about, but the only thing I could think about was my parents…and whenever I think about them, everything just goes south. I should know better by now, honestly.” The young man shrugged simply. He had reminded himself not to talk about his parents around Mark, but he had let it slip out…and it didn’t seem like the other man seemed to mind.

“Do you miss them?” Mark questioned.

“Well, yes, but a different miss than you would expect,” Ethan admitted hesitantly. “It’s not like I can just visit them back in Pennsylvania anytime I want, or that they can take a carriage down to see the traveling circus…they’re dead.” Mark fell silent. “And, I guess I just let everything get the best of me last night, and all I could think about was them, and everything bad that’s ever happened to me just stared pooling together…even the things that I had gotten over.” Mark gave him a look of sincere sympathy, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “And I promised myself that if I went over to you, I would cry…but I _did_.” He couldn’t help but give a half-smile at remembering how comforting Mark had been. “You were so understanding…” he breathed out, his voice trailing off as he remembered how his partner had held him in his arms, whispering to him gently about how everything would be alright. “You just let me cry on your shoulder, and I just _fell apart_ in front of you because I wasn’t afraid of being vulnerable or letting myself come undone.” Mark looked at him with a loving gaze. “I guess what I’m trying to say is _thank you_.”

Ethan paused. “You complete me…” he whispered. Mark gave a watery smile, both of them finding themselves standing underneath the trapeze. “You’re the better half of me, and I’m the better half of you.” Mark leaned on his partner gently, giving a small nod. “We should probably get practicing…” he mentioned softly.

Mark smiled, gesturing his head to the ladder.

“Start climbing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got over my writer's block!! Yay!
> 
> So far so good, I think. I tried to add a bit of angst in here as a build-up, so I hope you guys like that. I honestly love writing this fic, and I've officially plotted every chapter until the end...which is so sad because I don't WANT this fic to end. However, I've come up with the solution of releasing the first chapter of a new fic at the same time I release the final chapter to this one. Don't worry, the final chapter for this fic won't be coming in the next few chapters.
> 
> Thank you for your support! As always, Kudos + Comments appreciated. You guys are such amazing readers, and I love reading your comments and seeing SO MANY familiar faces.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	17. My Darling Treasure

Ethan took a deep breath as he stood at the edge of the platform, watching as Mark swung back and forth, his arms outstretched to his partner each time he swung toward him. The young man could feel his heart beating heavily inside of his chest. The two of them had been practicing the first minute or two of their performance for almost the entire afternoon, studying every detail and fixing every little kink that had made the trapeze act ‘too choppy’ or ‘not fast enough’. The day at that point had brought nothing but backflips and front-flips, holding onto the bar with one hand or standing on the trapeze as they swung fifty feet above the ground. Nothing but holding onto Mark’s hands tightly, trying to push the performance to as dangerous and thrill-seeking as he could send it to without pushing it over the line. As much as Ethan found himself encouraged by the death-defying act, he would always remind himself that there wouldn’t be a net for the true performance, and that he shouldn’t suggest ideas that could result in him plummeting fifty feet to the ground. Nevertheless, most of his suggestions were him trying to jump from one swing to the next while standing on top of it, or seeing if he could land a flip with only one hand. Obviously, his partner had advised against this.

But now, everything almost seemed like it was the real deal. Out of the corner of his eye, he could spot Mr. Carter standing below, his arms crossed firmly against his chest as he looked up at the trapeze with simple interest. Everything always seemed more dangerous when Mr. Carter was standing around, considering that one slip-up could end up with Ethan being reprimanded. Messing up in front of the older man was the last thing he wanted, especially since he desired to hold a small quill pen as he signed his dedication to the circus, and how he would perform with them for a certain amount of time, and maybe even past that. The young man understood why he hadn’t been offered one immediately, of course. He knew well enough that Mr. Carter would simply readily sign someone on, considering he had never seen the young man perform before. Yes, Ethan was sure he had managed to steal quick glances from afar while working with other circus matters, but he was certain that the older man had never once stood before the trapeze and looked up with such intention in his eyes. Ethan took a short, calming breath, attempting to relax his nerves as Mark continued swinging back and forth, his legs hooked around the swing like before.

Ethan knew well enough that the next minute or two to come would be the one where Mr. Carter decided if he wanted to keep the young brunette in the ensemble, regardless of whether or not he said something directly afterward. The young man knew that Mr. Carter would be thinking about his options, and whether or not Ethan would be a good fit for the team…so he had to prove to him that he was. Joining them for the performance didn’t mean anything if he would get fired as soon as it was over. Having his name down legally in ink was the only way to ensure that he could stay, considering that Mr. Carter wasn’t afraid to kick anyone out if they didn’t meet his performing requirements. The young man quickly went over everything Mark had told him over the past two weeks in his head. He reminded himself mentally of how to grab Mark’s hand, and how remembered how to hold the bar safely with one hand, and how to hoist himself up to stand on the swing. The young man reminded himself never to look directly at the ground, and that the more flips he put in a leap the better. This was it. This was the moment. The moment that could either make everything or break everything, and Ethan almost didn’t want to find out. He hesitantly glanced down at Mr. Carter, noticing how the man shifted as he waited for something to happen.

The young man took one final breath before he leaned forward, reaching for the bar and holding it firmly between his hands, reminding himself that he wouldn’t have to lean out for the actual performance; that would be the job of the acrobats. Ethan filly planted his feet on the edge of the platform, remembering how Mark had advised him to jump into the swing so he could get better high results within the first time around, which would generally make flipping easier and more entertaining for the audience. He let out a soft breath, feeling the breeze gently blowing by him as he stared off at Mark, timing the man’s swings to decide when he would jump. If he swung at the wrong time, both of the trapeze bars would be swinging in the same direction at the same time, which would result with the inability to perform tricks, for the leap would be too far for Ethan to make. Mark swung back and forth, focused on the matter at hand. Ethan waited for him to do one final swing before he leaped into a swing of his own, gripping the bar of the trapeze tightly as he swung forward. He could see Mark give a small, reassuring smile, almost as if to tell him that everything would be alright. Ethan gave a quick nod of his head, trying to gain height as he swung back and forth, his heart in his throat. He breathed in slowly, repositioning his grip on the swing before he swung forward one last time, leaping away from the bar.

Ethan allowed his body to loosen up as he flipped forward, his chin pressing against the top of his chest as he was greeted with the familiar feeling of flying through the air, one that the young man would hardly be able to forget. It was the feeling like he was floating…almost as if gravity didn’t exist, and he could find himself flipping through the air without a care in the world. In fact, the young man _hardly_ had anything to care about within those short seconds where he could be _free_. It was a feeling that Ethan wished so desperately could last forever, but he knew well enough that landing it would be the only thing he could do to possibly guarantee a position in the ensemble. The moment ended as soon as it started as Ethan flipped through the air twice, his arms reaching forward as Mark grabbed his hands quickly, holding them tight in his grip as they swung backward. The young man let out a sigh of relief. Despite how long he had been doing it for already, and how he knew he had mastered the landing part, he always got an unsettling feeling in his gut whenever he reached for Mark’s hands. It just put him on edge, was all. However, the feeling was swiftly swept away as he looked up at Mark, their eyes meeting with a gentle gaze.

“Good job,” Mark whispered softly to his partner. It was something that had become routine from the older man, encouraging and praising the younger man proudly whenever he landed his flips. It was something Ethan had heard time and time again, but he couldn’t get over the fluttering in his heart that would occur as soon as his partner murmured those two _simple_ words. The brunette mouthed back a simple ‘thank you’, holding Mark’s hands in his. The next part was going to be the difficult part, but it was the bit that Sean claimed was the ‘most exciting’ stunt of the performance. It was hardly even a stunt. Ethan would have called in a maneuver. Nevertheless, Ethan gripped Mark’s hands firmly, taking a deep breath as he tilted his head back slightly, lifting his legs in the air and straightening his back so he was almost horizontal, his knees close to his face and his legs between the gap of his arms and Mark’s arms. The older man gave another proud nod, both of them swinging back toward Ethan’s bar as he kept a firm grip.

Carefully, Mark hoisted his arms up as they swung forward, Ethan straightening himself out as he was seemingly lifted onto the bar. The young man took a steady breath as they swung Mark, mark returning to his original position, the brunette now standing on top of the bar, being mindful of his partner’s legs. He let out a content sigh, gripping the ropes of the swing tightly before he leaned backward, waiting for Mark to swing away from his bars again. As they swung forward, Ethan relaxed his neck and shoulders before jumping, letting Mark catch him by his ankles. Ethan closed his eyes, grinning as he felt the rush of the air blowing against his face as he swung forward. He had never felt this free in his entire life, his heart racing in his chest as he loosened his arms, letting them hang below his head as they swung back and forth. After a few seconds, he could feel Mark tossing him back to his own bar. The young man quickly opened his eyes, letting his body relax again, his neck arching back as he flipped backward, gripping the bar to his trapeze swing as he landed. Ethan let out a quick breath, wishing he had chalked his hands up a bit more, considering he knew they would be almost raw by the time he was finished. But he couldn’t think about that now. 

For the next two minutes, Ethan and Mark continued the first part of their performance. The two of them almost slipped up when Ethan jumped too soon, but Mark caught him by his forearms when they swung backward. When they were finished, Mark gestured for Ethan to drop down. The young man nodded, flattening himself out as he let go of his partner’s hands, letting out a heavy sigh as he fell himself falling fifty feet down. Although he had become used to the _idea_ of dropping down, the feeling would never not be exciting for him. He grinned as he landed on the net, bouncing back up a few feet before he landed on his feet. The young man wobbled over carefully on the shaky net to the edge, crawling off as before watching Mark leap down, a wide grin on his face. 

“Well done,” Mr. Carter said simply, giving a small nod of appreciation to Ethan before he glanced back to Mark. “Well, well, well, Mark. I believe I was correct when I told you that you would become accustomed to your partner.” He gestured his hand to Ethan, who gave a half-smile and a nod in return. “Sincerely, well done,” he continued, humming softly as he looked up at the trapeze bars, which were still swinging back and forth, moving less each time. “I see even _you’ve_ managed to learn a few things since last time, Mark. A new partner does that to you, you know. And you and Ethan work just splendid together. I’ve never seen such a performance from you with a different partner.”

“Yeah, guess he’s the lucky one,” Mark joked, glancing at Ethan.

“A true act of trust, Ethan, I must add,” Mr. Carter continued, clearing his throat as he turned to the young brunette, “to put your life in Mark’s hands, especially considering your interactions upon first meeting each other. I would have expected you to leave by now…you see, I usually give the other performers their contracts right away, because all of them know what they’re getting into. You had no idea; I held off because I wanted to give you room to change your mind if you needed, considering you have Mark for a partner.” Ethan smiled a bit. “You truly trust him, and that’s such a nice thing to see such mutual performing-chemistry between partners.” He paused, humming softly. “I expect to see you in my tent within the next four hours, Mr. Nestor. You’ve got a contract to sign.” The young man’s eyes lit up with excitement as he glanced at Mark, who gave nothing more than a proud smile and a simple nod of his head. His eyes flickered gently with affection as he looked at Ethan, revealing how truly excited the man was for Ethan to be signing the contract. “I’ll leave you two to finish the rest of your performance. I expect the entire thing to be completed by the end of our two months here, and I want you to stop using the net as a way down when you’re finished. You would plummet to your death if you did that for a true performance; don’t do it here.” Mr. Carter gave a justified nod, looking at the trapeze one last time before he turned on his heels, leaving the two men standing next to each other and watching him leave.

“Typical of him to be against anything remotely exciting,” Mark mentioned jokingly, getting a giggle out of Ethan. The older man hummed softly, watching as Mr. Carter walked away. 

“Well, let’s get back to it,” Ethan mentioned, grinning happily as he turned on his heels, walking back over to his ladder. “I’m thinking maybe we can add switch things up a little bit for the second part of the performance, and you can be the one leaping over my ladder. Just a little something to show the audience that you’re not just the catcher.” He hummed thoughtfully, gripping the chestnut wooden rung of the ladder with one land, leaning against it gently and not quite climbing up. “Anything that you and your other partners did…I’m open to try. I just want the first performance to be the best one of all; none of the other ones matter once we get their attention. With a good base to start off with, we can just keep redoing the same act and no one will care because they know well enough that _they_ couldn’t do it themselves. People are weird like that. Something can be so boring, like holding your breath for three minutes, but the average person can’t do that os therefore it becomes one of the most interesting things in the world. It really isn’t anything much apart from having a higher lung capacity, and I think that’s luck; not talent.” The young man rambled on about what he thought about natural talents, and how _some_ natural talents actually counted, while some others didn’t. He hummed, finishing after about a minute. “Sorry, we should get started,” he reminded himself, gripping the rung of the ladder again.

The brunette was about to start climbing the ladder, until he felt Mark grab his left hand slightly. Ethan glanced back over his shoulder, looking at Mark with confusion. “What?” He whispered softly, looking back up the ladder before focusing his attention on his partner. The young man had assumed that considering Mr. Carter had mentioned how they should keep up the good work…they should _keep up the good work_. Standing around and doing nothing wouldn’t be a great way to practice, especially since they had to have a perfect routine down by the end of two months, which they had already partially carved into at that point. Mark hesitantly reached his hand up, cupping the right side of Ethan’s face in his hand as he gazed at him with affection, causing the young man’s heart to flutter as he leaned into his touch, his knees almost wobbling as he felt as if he was going to melt. “Mark…” he breathed out softly, barely able to form words. “ _Practice…”_ he gestured his head back to the ladder. Mark chuckled softly, shaking his head playfully. “Seriously, Mark, you heard Mr. Carter. I’m going to be signing the contract today…he thinks I’m _worth something_.”

“I think you’re worth something,” Mark teased softly. “I don’t make you sign a contract.”

“ _I’m serious_ ,” Ethan repeated softly. “When we’re outside the tent, we’re just partners. Remember?” Mark kept looking at him with the same gaze. “Mark, someone could be _looking_ ,” Ethan insisted, finally managing to pull himself away from the older man’s touch. “Now come on, Mr. Carter told us to practice, so I want us to practice. We can have time for looking at each other like that tonight, but not in public. You said It yourself. We can’t let anyone know, and we _both_ know that the acrobats have been coming to watch us perform recently. If they were to catch us…” his voice trailed off slowly before he looked at Mark with a gentle gaze. The young boy let out a dreamy sigh before he shook his head. “I’ll be waiting at the top of the platform, whether you’d like it or not quite frankly,” he decided confidently, turning on his heels before grabbing the rung of the ladder again. The young man listened as his partner chuckled softly, taking a step back in the grass as Ethan started his way up. The brunette hummed softly to himself, being mindful about the placement of his feet as he moved carefully up the ladder, remembering not to look down. That was the last thing that someone was supposed to do when they found themselves climbing fifty feet in the air. Instead, Ethan filled his mind with thoughts about things of little importance, like what clouds felt like when you touched them, or what the first person to jump had been thinking. It wasn’t the first time that his brain had been cluttered with thoughts about trivial matters in life, but he found it best to think about those things when he was bored…and climbing a ladder fifty feet up to the trapeze platform wasn’t quite the most exciting thing in the world.

The young man glanced to his left hesitantly, smiling a bit as he watched Mark starting to climb his own ladder. Ethan sped up a bit, grinning to himself as he thought about the entire thing as a race, although he knew well enough he was making it up in his head. He climbed faster, not looking down once, while still being careful to maintain the same steady grip on the rungs of the ladder as he had before, not exactly wanting to fall all the way to the ground. Ethan let out a content sigh as he hoisted himself up onto the platform, pulling himself to his feet and resting his hands on his hips as he gazed off to the horizon. It was quite the sight for sore eyes, he had to admit, and the view was almost mesmerizing. Nothing more than the trees for what seemed like miles, although there was a dirt road winding through them, he was sure of that. But here, they were in an open field that had been cleaned from trees with the intention of starting something…the forest had been cleared where they were for this very purpose; the circus. The room for tents that could house the ensemble and enough room for the acrobats, with a trapeze structure strong enough to be used for practice and could almost withstand time. All of this felt too much like destiny, and he loved it. 

Ethan hummed as he gripped the fence that surrounded the platform, leaning out slightly as he looked at the trees, the branches spraying gently with the wind. He could almost hear the sound of the leaves rustling against each other, despite how high up he was. The young man smiled contently, his shoulders relaxing. The brunette glanced back over at his shoulder to Mark across the way, noticing how his partner was already occupied with putting chalk on his hands, clapping them together to get rid of the excess. Ethan giggled softly, walking over to the small stool to do the same. He glanced at Mark out of the corner of his eye, noticing how the older man watching him simply, leaning against the fence as he did. Ethan said nothing as he finished, walking over to the edge of the platform. Mark smiled. “Ready?” He questioned.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

∞§—————§∞

Ethan let out a shout of excitement as he leaped down from the platform toward the net, his partner doing the same as the two of them proceeded to ignore what Mr. Carter had said about using the ladder. They would use it soon enough, for an actual performance, but for the time being, they were going to do what they wanted…and they wanted to plummet down fifty feet and allow themselves to be caught by a safety net. Ethan enjoyed the feeling of falling, his organs feeling as if they were being rearranged inside of him as he dropped, his heart in his throat as he held his breath. It was almost impossible to breathe when he was falling like that, but he adored the feeling of letting his arms reach out loosely in front of him, feeling like he was falling from the sky before he felt the net against his back, bouncing him up slightly before settling. The young man grinned happily as he wobbled to his feet, glancing at his partner who did the same, almost falling over. Ethan giggled softly, hopping off of the net and landing firmly on his feet. The brunette smiled. “I think I’m gonna go see Mr. Carter, now,” he mentioned, a wide grin on his face. “I’m gonna sign the contract.”

“I’m going with you,” Mark mentioned, humming softly as he stretched his shoulder blades slightly, noticing how his partner gave him a look of confusion. “You didn’t really expect me to let you go and sign a contract on your own, did you?” He questioned, resting his hands firmly on his hips as he gave Ethan a sardonic look. The brunette wrinkled his nose slightly.

“Why do you need to go?” He questioned. “I’m old enough to sign my name.”

“I’m _going_ because the contract is long, and you’re most certainly not going to read all of it,” Mark returned simply, smiling softly at his partner to show he didn’t have any malicious intentions. “And even if you _thought_ you were reading it over completely, you surely ended up skipping a few lines as your eyes dart across the page, which is perfectly acceptable. I just don’t want you to miss something important that Mr. Carter might slip into the contract. He knows about your condition, remember? If you think that he’s not the type of man to slip something in for personal benefit and take advantage of your situation, you should probably rethink. I’ve only been handed a contract once in my life, Ethan, and it was when I joined this circus. You wouldn’t believe the fast shit he tried to pull on me. Mr. Carter claimed that he legally wouldn’t be in trouble if the trapeze equipment were to not work properly. That’s bullshit, Ethan. Even if you _did_ read it all the way through, you need someone with experience in the field who can tell you what statement is fair and which one can be erased without anyone noticing.” He gave his partner a reassuring glance, the brunette’s heart fluttering at the sight of him. Ethan hesitantly took a step toward the older man, looking at him lovingly before he leaned forward, loosely wrapping his arms around his partner’s neck as he pulled him into a hug.

“Thank you, Mark,” Ethan whispered softly, his voice sincere. He leaned into the older man’s touch as he felt Mark wrapping his arms gently around his waist, pulling his head away slightly to get a better look at his partner. Ethan gazed back at him sheepishly. “Really…” he said softly, his eyes glimmering as he gave a watery smile. “I won’t cry on your or anything…but _thank you_.” A smile crept onto Mark’s face as he pulled Ethan closer, hugging him tightly. The young man couldn’t help but giggle as he was tugged into Mark’s arms, the older man holding him closely and affectionately. Ethan breathed softly as he rested his forehead on his partner’s shoulder, a content sigh escaping his lips as he found himself getting lost in the feeling of being held close, feeling Mark’s heartbeat against his own, the two of them seemingly becoming one. It was a wonderful feeling to be held by someone who truly cared about your wellbeing…Ethan absolutely adored it. He couldn’t help but smile foolishly, the seconds passing and almost being wasted away as the two of them just stood there, Mark swaying with him slightly. Ethan pulled away after another second, giggling softly as he looked at his partner. “We should probably head over.”

“You’re always getting ahead of yourself, Mr. Nestor,” Mark breathed out softly, his voice sending a shiver down Ethan’s spine. The older man simply chuckled, gazing at him for a few seconds before he pulled away himself, gesturing for Ethan to follow after him. “Well, since you’re so eager, I suppose we should just get everything over with. You can take a cold bath, I can take one after you…then we can go back to the tent and just relax a little bit.” The older man paused. “I could read to you, if you’d like. Of course, we’ve both been reminded of how you find that book of yours simply revolting, but I think we can all agree it beats just sitting around in the tent and doing nothing, hm?” Ethan blushed shyly, nodding his head as he found himself walking beside his partner. “We can take turns,” Mark suggested. “I can read a few pages to you, and then you can read a few pages to me. That way you can learn to practice and take short breaks at the same time. Sound like a plan?” Ethan nodded happily, his heart content at the thought of the older man reading to him.

“It sounds perfect…” Ethan breathed out, sighing contently at the thought.

“Glad you think so, treasure,” Mark replied, glancing at Ethan with a kind look in his eye before he looked forward again. The young man smiled softly. His father had always called his mother that when Ethan was younger…the first thing he would announce when he got home from work would be ‘I’m home, my darling treasure’. For most of his life, the young man assumed that _he_ would be the one to call someone that when he was older; it seemed to be quite the opposite. Mark chuckled softly as he noticed his partner blushing, and he rolled his eyes playfully. “God, pull yourself together,” he joked. “You can’t go into Mr. Carter’s tent-like a giggling fool.” The young man smiled simply, nodding as he corrected himself, stifling his laughter as he did so. Finally, the two of them had reached the tent of their boss. Mark glanced at Ethan before gesturing his head toward the entrance. The young man took a deep breath before he slowly slipped inside, feeling Mark following in after him.

Ethan noticed how Mr. Carter was sitting behind a desk, sorting through what appeared to be paperwork on his desk. He glanced up at him hesitantly, smiling when he realized who it was. “Ah, Mr. Nestor, come in,” the man insisted, gesturing to a chair across from the desk. “I’m glad you decided to come on time, I’m so used to people taking the guidelines so loosely. Shows how much you care about this position, wouldn’t you think?” Ethan nodded simply, cautiously moving to sit down across from the man. Mr. Carter looked up from his hands again, focusing his attention on Mark this time. “Oh, I’m sorry if I insinuated that there would be a contract for you,” he continued, humming softly. “This is just for Ethan, Mr. Fischbach. You don’t need to be here.” Mark shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“Maybe not,” he replied simply, shrugging his shoulders, not even moving an inch from his original position, “but I think I’d rather stay. I wouldn’t want Ethan to glance over anything crucial to his experience here at the traveling circus, and surely you wouldn’t either. I’d think an extra set of eyes could do this entire situation some good, wouldn’t you agree?” Mr. Carter said nothing in return, barely giving Mark the satisfaction of a simple hum. “Oh, you don’t even have to act like I’m here,” he continued sardonically, obviously pushing his limits with the older man. “Just go on with everything. I’ll jump in when I believe something needs to have a closer look.” Mr. Carter opened his mouth to say something, but Mark quickly cut him off. “Refrain from giving me bullshit, Mr. Carter. I think you and I both know well enough that Ethan’s condition can prevent him from being able to focus on texts that are long and written in fine print. Considering he can hardly sit through a page in a book, I’m not so sure he’ll be able to read through an entire contract without glancing over a few important details.” The older man finished speaking, gesturing his head for Mr. Carter to continue. “You were saying something?”

“Mr. Nestor legally doesn’t have to show you the contract,” Mr. Carter insisted. “In fact, without his permission, you aren’t obligated to be in here. You certainly don’t have _my_ permission sticking your nose into business that doesn’t pertain to you, and-”

“I would prefer if Mark stayed,” Ethan murmured softly, speaking up for himself as he glanced up from his hands, looking at Mr. Carter seriously. The man blinked, glancing to Mark who shifted his weight from one foot to the other once again, resting his hands on his hips as if to prove a point. Mr. Carter took a deep breath, exhaling almost with frustration before he gave a simple nod of his head, clearing his throat. Ethan glanced back over his shoulder at Mark, who gave a small smile before motioning for him to turn back around and pay attention to the matter at hand.

“Very well,” Mr. Carter said simply. Ethan paid close attention as he watched the man reach across the table for one of the sorted series of documents, which appeared to be stacked neatly. The young man’s eyes lit up with wonder at the very sight of it, his heart skipping a beat in his chest as he found himself at the edge of his seat. Mr. Carter smiled simply, obviously noticing how excited the young brunette was. Reluctantly, the man slid the documents over to Ethan. “They contain everything you need to know about our traveling circus, as well as everything that will be required from you,” Mr. Carter explained simply. “Rules, regulations, along with legal matters that obviously need to be addressed when it comes to the sake of injuries, necessary safety measures, and our lack of using a net for performances, which we are required to not only disclose in the document, but upfront to all those who decide to join our ensemble. However, despite the lack of net, we are not legally required to be fined due to the mishaps of what happens during a show.” Ethan nodded hesitantly, trying his best to take in as much information as he could at once. Mr. Carter smiled simply. “You can find where to sign on the bottom of the last page.” 

Ethan watched as Mr. Carter pushed a small quill pen over to him, his eyes lighting up with anticipation. The man himself looked as if he was eagerly waiting for Ethan to sign. “No rush,” the man continued simply, finally leaning back in his chair as he watched the young brunette slowly reach for the papers, not knowing where he was supposed to start. The man glanced over the pages, all the words pushed so close together, overflowing the page with information that Ethan knew well enough would all be considered important. Were some bits more important than others? Did some of them simply disclose possibilities and outcomes for theoretical situations during a performance? The young man leaned back in his chair as he tried to sort out everything in front of him, reading the words, but not quite digesting them. To say the least, Ethan almost had no idea what he was doing, and it was obviously apparent to his partner. Within the next few seconds, the young man watched as Mark snatched the contract away from him, drawing it close to read it himself. Ethan relaxed contently in the chair, letting out a soft sigh. He glanced over his shoulder hesitantly at Mark, watching as the man’s eyes slowly skimmed over the page, starting at the first line. It was obvious that the man would read every single word…just so Ethan didn’t have to. The young man’s heart fluttered in his chest, and he found himself quickly diverting his attention so Mr. Carter wouldn’t catch him gazing at his partner with such affection.

“What do you mean when you say Ethan isn’t entitled to money?” Mark questioned after a few seconds, looking up from the page.

“Read the line below,” Mr. Carter sighed simply. “Mr. Nestor will be given _checks_ , not bills, Mr. Fischbach. Such as yourself.” The man paused. “Please refrain from jumping to conclusions. Besides, the contract is identical to yours. There’s nothing in there that’s been added for entertainment or swindling, and there’s nothing that’s been taken away to keep us from looking bad. You don’t need to read every line.” Mark said nothing, ignoring what his boss said as his eyes continued flying across the page. “Mr. Fischbach,” Mr. Carter insisted sternly. “Whatever you’re trying to find so desperately in that document, it isn’t there. You have my word when I tell you that everything you see in there is _identical_ the one you were given. Not a word misplaced or misused. In fact, that’s the same copy that’s given to practically every ensemble member in this circus.” Ethan sunk down in his seat gently, smiling a bit as Mr. Carter continued to ramble on about the document while insisting that Mark either leave or sit down, but his partner didn’t do either. He simply ignored what their boss was saying as he continued to skim through the document, repeating segments with question to clarify things and make sure that Ethan wasn’t getting cheated out of anything. Mark eventually found himself rereading paragraphs, or even pages, when he found that his attention would drift off after rereading what seemed to be the same paragraph, although phrased in slightly different ways each time.

After what seemed like forever, Mark hummed simply, resting the documents down in front of Ethan. The young man glanced up at him as if to question whether or not it was okay to sign. His partner sighed softly before reluctantly nodding his head. “I would sign, if I were you,” Mark admitted, resting his hand on the back of Ethan’s chair as he watched him attentively. The young man smiled sheepishly, watching as Mr. Carter gestured his head to the small quill pen again, as if he was silently begging for Ethan to just sign the document. “You owe the circus as least a full year of traveling with them,” Mark explained, watching as his partner reached for the pen, holding it gingerly in his hand. “You’re paid the same as me. Two dollars a day.” Ethan’s eyes widened slightly. Wow. Mr. Carter sure wasn’t kidding around when it came to paying trapeze performers…two _whole dollars_. “You get paid extra for performances, depending on the reviews for the circus and how many tickets are sold. Does that make sense, t-…Ethan.” The young man glanced at him, giving a small nod. “Sign away.” The brunette grinned as he reached for the pen eagerly, taking a small breath before he signed his name on the bottom line.

_Ethan Nestor_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go! Another chapter! Finally, Ethan puts his name down and ink and will finally be joining the ensemble of the traveling circus. What do you guys think of the fic so far? What's your favorite chapter?
> 
> Also, a little bit of a bonus:
> 
> The next fic to come out simultaneously as this one ends will be called "Baby of Mine". If you have any thoughts about what it could possibly be about, I'd love to hear your suggestions down below. As always, Comments + Kudos are appreciated.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	18. Longing To Remember

Ethan slipped into his nightshirt as he stood in the tent he and Mark shared, humming softly. The collar of the nightwear ended up being slightly damp as he pulled his head through, considering his hair was still wet from after his back, but the young man didn’t mind that much. He reached for his towel, which was damp after getting out of the bath a few minutes ago, but now he used it to dry his hair, continuing to hum as his hair soon become a tangled mess on his head, damp and sticking to the back of his neck. The young man found himself falling back on his cot, looking up at the ceiling of the tent. He would have to wait a few minutes for Mark to come back, but he didn’t mind. Just the thought of Mark reading to him softly, breaking the silence of the night as he spoke gently and slowly, his words filling the air and reminding him of the way his mother used to read to him…that would be worth the wait. It would be worth the thought of having to sit on the cot with nothing but his own boredom to keep his company as he counted away the seconds mindlessly, almost as if that would make time faster…even though the young man knew well enough it wouldn’t. Ethan smiled to himself as he reached for the book.

The young man ran the tips of his fingers over the cover gently, his eyes flickering as he repeated the name of the novel in his head. The brunette let out a soft sigh, flipping open the book to the first page. That was where he was going to have Mark start reading. He knew what happened already, yes, but he wanted Mark to remind him…plus, the young man just wanted to be able to hear Mark read to him for a longer period of time. And oh, Ethan couldn’t wait to listen from his cot, looking up at the ceiling as his partner’s voice echoed in his ears, filling his mind and completing his soul. It seemed to be almost the perfect way to fall asleep…hearing the voice of someone who truly seemed to care so much about you. It was a feeling that Ethan had long missed from his childhood, where his mother would find herself staying up for almost an hour, speaking gently to her son as she attempted to coax him to sleep. Ethan had always persisted, however, forcing his eyes open for as long as he could…just so he could stay away longer to hear the sound of her voice, sweet as strawberries. It was a voice that Ethan hadn’t heard in over a year…a voice that he found himself forgetting as each day passed.

The brunette didn’t _mean_ to forget. He was hardly good enough at remembering things as it was, and throwing death into the mixture surely didn’t assist. Ethan had forgotten what his mother sounded like…he had forgotten the way she would read to him and her gentle humming when she cooked…or her soft whistling that would fill the hallways of the house as she cleaned the front-entrance. Ethan could _remember_ every moment of her doing these things, yes…but it was like a dream without sound. He could picture her reading to him, holding a book in her grasp as she occasionally glanced up from the page, her voice filled with that of a fantasy creature as she showed her son the illustrations, creating new voices for each character. Ethan could picture her singing lullabies to him when he was younger, and how she had stroked his hair gently, almost _pleading_ for him to go to bed so that she could move from the chair beside him. But there wasn’t any sound. Ethan couldn’t _hear_ the voice…he couldn’t remember. The young man looked down at his hands, almost disappointed by the fact. He knew well enough it wasn’t his fault for not remembering…but he couldn’t help but remorse that it had only been a year and she had seemingly faded from his mind.

Ethan had forgotten what his father had sounded like, too. The young man could remember the image of his father entering the house in his head, and how the entrance would be filled with the sound of him readily placing his briefcase on the ground, announcing loudly to Ethan’s mother that he was home and that he had missed her. But he couldn’t hear him. Ethan couldn’t hear the way he would read the newspaper to him when he was only a boy, still struggling to sit through the newspaper without giving up with mere frustration after realizing it was pointless to read something when the words were seemingly jumbled together. Nevertheless, his father had sat him on his lap, pointing to the words that Ethan would recognize as they pieced together the articles together, his father gently reminding him that one day he would be able to read the newspaper on his own…and that his father would be proudly watching when he did. The young man could continue to shamefully say that he had never read through an entire article in a newspaper without assistance, as much as he hated to admit to it. Nothing for his father to be proud of.

Hesitantly, Ethan’s eyes directed themselves to the top of the first chapter, swallowing thickly as he shifted on the bed. After a few seconds, he slowly read the first line aloud, taking his time and pausing occasionally between words in order to not fumble over himself. The young man couldn’t help but smile as he completed the first two lines. It was no feat even to small children, but Ethan was proud nevertheless. “The wind shook the cottage… _violently_ ,” Ethan continued slowly, taking a small breath as he continued reading. “The small house that squat atop the hillside beyond the…river warmed the plains with the… _quaint_ …cobblestone walls. It was the same house that had… _perched_ on the hill for decades before, the lineage of owners trailing behind with their legacy.” He paused again, clearing his throat. “One could have sworn it was abandoned, ivy traveling up the sides greedily over the stones…but once one got close to smell the thick scent of smoke that filled the air…they knew that the cottage was far from abandoned.” The young man smiled sheepishly as he continued reading, his eyes traveling down the page.

“There were never any visitors,” Ethan continued, shifting on the cot as he peered closer at the page. “Apart from the occasional… _woodpecker_ , or an owl perched from a hunt. Never a person who bothered enough to knock on the door…to test their bravery against the seemingly abandoned cottage…” his voice trailed off before he continued, the breaks between each word getting shorter as he kept reading, finding more confidence in his once shaky voice. Soon enough, the young man had finished one page, and he found himself flipping over to the back to complete the next. It was a feeling the young man had never felt before. Often, the brunette would find himself taking breaks within a simple _page_ , and he would seemingly never get any progress done. “The life of the cottage was a simple one, although…it was nothing that the man who lived there would want to… _admit_. He always-”

“I see you’ve been practicing,” Ethan heard someone mention. The young man flinched, almost slamming the book shut with surprise as he dragged his eyes away from the page, darting them to the entrance of the tent. Unsurprisingly, Mark stood in the entrance of the tent, his hair slick with water as he wore his nightwear. The older man chuckled softly, almost rolling his eyes when he realized he had started his partner. “Oh, it’s just me,” the man mentioned, grinning as he slipped into the tent, throwing his towel onto his cot before running a hand through his hair, causing the young man’s heart to flutter. “You’re doing really good, Ethan,” he continued thoughtfully, gesturing his head to the novel before giving a small smile. “Honestly…you got through a whole page without taking a break?” The young man smiled down at his hands before giving a hesitant nod. “That’s amazing…” his partner breathed out sincerely. Ethan glanced up at him shyly.

“It’s hardly anything that someone should be bewildered by,” Ethan mentioned, his voice soft as he shrugged his shoulders. “Anyone of the ensemble members would be able to read that entire page without taking as many pauses as I did. Even a _child_ would be able to do that with ease. Something shouldn’t just become special because I finally stopped being too _stupid_ to figure it out.” He gave a half-smile, noticing how Mark simply gazed back at him affectionately, a look of pride flickering in his eyes. Ethan blushed, realizing that his partner was _truly_ proud knowing that the man had been able to complete a page all on his own, without skimming over anything or leaving out anything of importance to the plot. The young man smiled shyly again. “You’re really proud of me?” He whispered hesitantly, almost doubting the idea. How _could_ Mark be proud of him? Ethan was almost positive that Mark had the ability to read through the page at triple his speed, pronouncing the words better than the young man ever could, without taking breaks.

“Of course I’m proud of you…” Mark returned in a murmur, his voice sincere as he looked at Ethan fondly, his eyes softening at the mere sight of his partner sitting across from him. “How could I _not_ be proud of you? You read it all on your own.” Ethan shrugged a bit, no longer thinking much of it. Mark continued to look at him proudly, the same reassuring smile on his face as before. “And soon, if you keep practicing, you’ll be able to read for as long as you want, without skipping over any sentences.” The older man paused. “You can do anything that you put your mind to, treasure. I promise.” Ethan’s heart almost melted in his chest as he looked back at his partner, his body feeling almost physically weak as he returned his affectionate gaze, their regard for each other speaking for itself. The young man liked it when Mark called him that…it was nice to know that someone in the world thought so highly of him, despite what the brunette thought about himself; nothing much. After a few seconds, Ethan opened the book again. He glanced up at Mark out of the corner of his eye before he looked down to the page, focusing the attention on one of the lines.

“He always stayed there for a reason…” Ethan started, picking up where he had left off, his voice not shaking as much with the presence of Mark, who the brunette wanted so desperately to impress. “However, this was unknown both by man and by…society. Not like it would be one to be accepting…” the young man continued reading the next few lines, noticing how Mark sat at the edge of the bed with interest, listening to his partner attentively. After another minute, Ethan finished the page, letting out a content sigh as he closed to book, looking to Mark. The young man’s face went flush with embarrassment as Mark gazed back at him with an enamored look in his eyes, which were warm and kind as the young man stared back into them. The brunette knew it was nothing more than reading a page…but Mark just looked so _proud._ After a few seconds, Ethan’s heart skipped a beat in his chest as Mark rose from the cot, slowly walking over to his partner’s. Ethan tilted his head up slightly as he looked up at Mark, their gaze not separating. 

Mark leaned down gently, the younger man instinctively closing his eyes before their lips pressed against each other, a familiar fluttering feeling returning to Ethan’s heart. The young man felt his hands tightening around the sheets of the cot, balling them up into his fist as he clawed at them gently, his resistance crumbling as he leaned into the older man’s touch. Mark’s lips were soft, moving slow against his in an almost comforting way, one that Ethan could feel himself getting lost in. The young man smiled against Mark’s lips as he kissed him before he slowly pulled away, looking up at him with a twinkling gaze in his eye. “Thank you…” he whispered softly, biting his lip. Mark simply chuckled, resting his hands on either side of the younger man.

“You’re more than welcome…” Mark breathed out, their faces still very close together. Ethan could feel the man’s warm breath against his face, and he sheepishly leaned forward again, a longing…almost _wanting_ look in his eye as their lips met again. It was almost an addicting feeling having the older man’s lips against his, their breath mingling as Ethan hesitantly hooked his arms loosely around his partner’s neck. This was a feeling that the young man wished could last forever…their lips moving slowly in synch, the feeling like a drug to Ethan, a feverish desire to be held close by the older man flowing steadily through his veins. “God, you’re perfect…you know that?” Mark breathed out softly, pulling away for a few seconds before he was quick to lean again, their hearts beating together. Ethan hummed something gently against his lips, his shoulders relaxing and his body no longer tense underneath his touch, feeling Mark move his hand to rest it on Ethan’s, which was still in a fist as it clawed at the sheets. The older man couldn’t help but smile against Ethan’s lips before he pulled away, gazing down at him with affection. 

Ethan blushed, his eyes softening at the sight of Mark. The young man knew well enough that Mark knew himself that almost everything he did was enough to make the young brunette melt. The cheeky bastard, he was, but Ethan couldn’t help but feel his heart flutter in his chest at the mere sight of his partner who stood so close to him. His partner grinned a bit before he reached for the novel that rested beside Ethan, drawing it close to himself. “I suppose we should get to reading before I get too tired to utter another word?” Mark questioned, the young man nodding his head in return as he shifted on the cot. Mark smiled, turning on his heels before he walked back to his cot, sitting down on it gently before he opened the book again, his eyes scanning the page for where the young man had left off. “Make yourself comfortable,” he hummed. “But tell me when you’re about to fall asleep. I won’t waste away reading to someone who’s not even listening.” Ethan giggled softly, nodding his head in understanding as he reached for the blanket, wrapping it around himself. Mark cleared his throat dramatically, glancing at Ethan out of the corner of his eye before returning his gaze to the page.

After a few seconds, the older man started to read where Ethan had left off. The young man sighed contently as he listened to Mark’s voice, laying down now as he looked up at the ceiling, just like he had intended when he returned from the bath. And, all of a sudden, he was like a child again, who was laying in bed and being coaxed to sleep. Ethan listened to the words from the book attentively, adoring Mark’s gentle tone as he read tenderly, almost as if he was _asking_ the young man to fall asleep. Ethan smiled simply, rolling over onto his right side and gazing at Mark with an affectionate look in his eye, not minding if the older man’s eyes were too focused on the book in his hands to glance back. Besides, the brunette like this. He admired her partner silently, noticing the way he occasionally shifted as he spoke, or how his tone of voice would change with the story. There wasn’t that much of a noticeable change, considering how almost nothing had happened in the book…but Ethan could recognize a slight one. And oh, how the older man made Ethan smile. Whether it was an affectionate smile, or a grin from ear to ear as he laughed hysterically, Mark always seemed to know what to say whenever he wanted to get Ethan to beam happily. Little did the older man know that all he had to do was be in the same room as Ethan to make him smile. That was all his took…just a simple glance or a nod of his head, and the young man could feel himself seemingly falling head over heels, his stomach churning in the most delightful way that was almost too hard to describe.

Ethan smiled softly as he began to realize how slowly Mark was reading for him, allowing the young man to listen attentively without being distracted by how fast he could be speaking. He really did care, and that was more than enough to warm Ethan’s heart. A kiss could surely do it, yes…but just the feeling of knowing that someone cared enough about him to take their time when they did something for them…well, it was an indescribable feeling that the young man could hardly get enough of. Ethan listened to the soft sound of pages turning occasionally, filling the silence and pauses between reading. The young man had previously read every bit of what Mark was repeating to him, but he didn’t mind. Nevertheless, the young man couldn’t help but yawn after about ten minutes of reading, Ethan getting lost in the sound of his partner’s voice. “I think I’m tired…” he whispered, giggling softly as Mark looked up from the novel. He watched the man quickly glance to what page they were on, almost as if he was taking a mental note, before he gently closed the book, resting it on the table between them. “I should probably go to bed.”

“Great idea,” Mark returned, shifting to the right side of his cot. Ethan let out another soft yawn, wrapping the blankets tighter around himself as he lay back on the cot, allowing himself to be enveloped with a comforting warmth. However, the young man noticed how Mark hadn’t yet blown out the candle that rested on the table, which illuminated the room. It was manageable to fall asleep with, yes, but Ethan was just used to Mark turning it on by that point. Hesitantly, the young man rolled on his right side, looking at Mark gently, noticing how the older man was still sitting up in bed. Ethan opened his mouth to say something, but his partner quickly cut him off. “If you think I’m going to blow out the candle before you get to your _proper_ sleeping cot, Mr. Nestor, then you would be mistaken.” Ethan gave him a look of confusion, sitting up slightly before leaning on the palm of his hand. Mark smiled a bit, gesturing his head to his cot, the left side free of space for the young man. Ethan’s heart fluttered in his chest when he realized, the young man sucking in a small breath before letting it out shakily. “I don’t bite,” Mark joked, smiling a bit as we waved Ethan over.

The young man grinned happily, reaching for his blankets before he walked quickly to the other side of the tent, making quick work of falling back on the cot beside Mark. He giggled softly, pressing his nose against Mark’s, feeling the older man reposting the blankets so that they were sharing four of them. “Besides,” Mark whispered. “The cot’s always warmer when you’re beside me.” The young man blushed, leaning against Mark gently and rested a hand on the older man’s chest, sighing contently. “Could you blow out the candle, treasure?” The older man whispered. Ethan smiled a bit, nodding his head before he sat up. He leaned over to the table carefully, blowing gently and watching as the small flame faltered before being blown out. Ethan smiled, leaning down on the cot again and curling up close against Mark, feeling the older man wrap an around around him. “Is this alright?” He whispered.

“Perfect…” Ethan breathed out, shifting closer to Mark. The older man smiled, pressing his lips gently against Ethan’s forehead, planting a small kiss before he smiled, letting out a content sigh. Once again, their heartbeats became one as they lay on the cot, holding each other before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter. I just thought it would be cute to represent Ethan's change in the story, and include some much needed fluffy moments between the two characters. Get ready for a short little time jump next chapter. As always, Kudos + Comments are appreciated!
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	19. Crumbling

Ethan grinned with interest, sitting at the edge of the seat as he stared into the arena of the tent. It was practice again for the acrobats, but this time they would be performing with the rest of the ensemble, one act leading into another like a ballet recital. Ethan and Mark shared the last act of the performance together, but they had already finished breakfast and had just eaten dinner, with no intention of having to force themselves back on the trapeze to show everyone something they had all seen before. Ethan, on. The other hand, had hardly seen _any_ bit of the ensemble performance, from the juggling to the contortionists. He had asked Mark if he could juggle, and although the older man had insisted it was one of his many skills, Ethan didn’t believe him since he almost refused to show him, insisting that he ‘was too tired’ to juggle. The young man smiled at the thought, glancing over at his partner who sat beside him, leaning back in his chair. It was obvious that the older man showed almost no interest in what was performing in front of them, considering he must have seen it too many times before. Nevertheless, Ethan put a smile on his face, his eyes lighting up with excitement as two men stepped into the center of the arena, each one of them holding small hand-held balls, each one a different vibrant color from the last.

It was almost a week and a half past when Ethan had signed his contract, and the entire show was truly starting to come together. The young man could hardly believe that in less than a month they would be on a train, most likely in the same boxcars as before as they journeyed to the destination of their first performance. It was _unbelievable_. Everyone was so mild about the situation, hardly even mentioning it, but it was all Ethan could think about. All the man could daydream of was flying through the air like he did with practice, although this time he would be dangling fifty feet above the ground without a net. It had been a while since he had fallen off the trapeze, but he had always been granted with the ability to land safely in a net. Ethan knew well enough that wouldn’t be in the case when he was performing for a true crowd. He would be flying across the sky, yes, the same as before…but it would be more dangerous. It would be more death-defying. It would _truly_ leave the audience at the edge of their seats as they prayed to God that one of the flying trapeze artists didn’t plummet to their death. That would be a way to get his name in the papers:   
**_Runaway Pennsylvania Trapeze Artist Dies After Plummeting Fifty Feet_ ** .

**_Circus Performance Gone Wrong as Trapeze Artist Leaps Too Early_ **

**_Traveling Circus Put on Hold When Performer Falls Fifty Feet From The Air_ **

It was enough to make Ethan shudder at the thought. The feeling of falling through the air was so familiar from him…and so wonderful at the same time. Just the feeling of knowing that there would be a net to catch you as you allowed yourself to leap was one of the most comforting things in the world…but Ethan knew well enough that it wouldn’t last forever. Soon, he would be standing on top of one of the platforms, his heart racing in his chest as he looked down at the ground of the circus arena, seeing nothing but the dust that would do nothing to catch his fall if he were to slip up. There was no room for error in a circus performance…especially a flying trapeze performance. The young brunette didn’t even want to _imagine_ what would happen to him if he fell. If he landed on his back, he would either die or be paralyzed from the waist down. If he fell on his head he would certainly die…if not that, he would suffer permanent brain damage. If he managed to land on both of his legs the right way, surely he would only break them…he supposed that was the upside to things: only managing to shatter the bones in his body after plummeting down from the sky. The worst part of it all would be knowing that the accident was all Ethan’s fault; Mark himself had never dropped Ethan before. The only time Ethan fell was when he himself had jumped too early or too late. Nevertheless, the young man redirected his attention back to the center of the tent arena, calming his nerves as he sucked in a small, almost silent, breath. 

“Ooo, I think they’re jugglers,” Ethan whispered, not taking his eyes away from the center as he spoke to Mark with such interest. Mark hummed in return, saying nothing as he folded his arms across his chest, sinking down in the chair and getting into a comfortable sitting position. The young man rolled his eyes playfully. “I don’t see why _you’re_ not standing in the center of the arena _with_ them,” he continued jokingly, gesturing his head to the two men as they placed two balls in their left hand and one in their right. “Since you’re obviously just a juggling _master_ who’s yet to be discovered for his raw, natural talent of throwing things in the air and catching them. It must be quite tiresome for you, considering you never show me when I ask.” Ethan giggled a bit as Mark glanced at him, giving him a playful shove. “I’m _kidding_ ,” Ethan joked, redirecting his attention to the center. He stifled his laughter. “I know you can’t juggle to save your life.” Mark glanced at him, scoffing dramatically as he gave a mock look of offense.

“I take _severe_ offense to that, Mr. Nestor,” Mark joked in return, Ethan trying to stifle his giggling as he looked back at his partner affectionately. “I’ll have you know that I was _top_ of my class in juggling school, despite what you’d like to think, and I will not be made a mockery of over my own profession. It’s more than a _job_ , Mr. Nestor. It’s a _passion_. A passion that I hold very seriously to my heart, one that I worked so hard to achieve, yet you mock me with your lack of understanding for the art of juggling and the years I struggled through college to achieve my hopeless dream of becoming a juggler.” Mark gave a dramatic sigh. “And the _audacity_ you must hold to be able to look me in the eye and claim that I can’t juggle to save my life just shows that you could never understand the torture I went through at that school, and…” Mark’s voice trailed off as he looked back at Ethan. The young man was smiling, his eyes soft as he listened to Mark attentively. “Goddamnit, Ethan, how am I supposed to pretend to be mad at you when you’re looking at me like _that_?” 

Ethan smiled softly. “It’s a talent of mine, you know?” He mentioned teasingly, continuing to gaze at his partner tenderly. “Leaving people speechless…” he continued in a whisper, biting his lip as he looked at Mark sincerely. The older man sucked in a quick breath, glancing down at his partner’s lips before he returned his attention to the young man. “We can’t do that here,” Ethan mentioned, chuckling softly as he glanced away from Mark. 

“You’re a tease, you know that?”

“Another talent of mine,” Ethan replied simply, listening as Mark simply chuckled. The two of them sat beside each other, their gaze not separating from the jugglers, but they both knew well enough they only had each other on their minds. If either one of them had been a girl, they would have gotten away with holding hands, or quickly giving each other a peck on the cheek. But they couldn’t. They couldn’t do that in public. They couldn’t even gaze at each other lovingly for too long, just in case someone were to glance over and notice the twinkle in their eye when they looked at each other. All they could do was sit in their own chairs and wonder about each other dreamily as they watched the performers, acting as if the two of them were truly nothing more than simple partners, who only got close when they were on the trapeze. To everyone else, they were simply friends; not even that to everyone. To some, they simply believed that Mark barely _managed_ to put up with Ethan, and that the man didn’t appreciate sparing him a second glance. But the young brunette didn’t mind what everyone said or thought, because he knew well enough that wouldn’t affect how he felt toward his trapeze partner. Ethan could only hope that Mark felt the same way towards what people thought of them.

That was a surefire way to get their name in the papers.

**_Homosexual Trapeze Artists Killed in an Act of Brutality_ **

**_Star Trapeze Artists Fired After Sharing a Glance Out-of-Performance_ **

**_Young Trapeze Artist Beaten to Death After Performance._ **

Ethan sighed softly, looking off at the jugglers as he tried to focus his attention on something else, apart from how _awful_ the world seemed to be. Nevertheless, he held his chin up. Ethan watched as the jugglers kept their wrists loose, tossing the balls rhythmically as they sailed through the air, the performers themselves getting lost in the feeling of continuously repeating the cycle, holding their breath in their chests as they continued. “I don’t think you even have the ability to that even _one_ time around,” Ethan breathed out teasingly, glancing over at his parter who gave the same mock look of offense, as if the words had gone painstakingly to his heart. “It’s kind of funny to think about though,” he mentioned, humming under his breath thoughtfully. “You can toss something through the air, and catch them while you’re practically hanging upside down, and you can fall fifty feet into a net and hold me up on your own…but you can’t juggle to save your life.” Mark scoffed playfully, almost as if he had no idea what his partner was talking about. The young man couldn’t help but lean on his shoulder gently for a few seconds, knowing no one would think much of it if he did it quickly. “Words cannot describe how much I like you, Mark…” the brunette whispered, his voice gentle as he felt the older man shudder from his soft tone. “The feeling I get when I wake up next to you…you holding me in your arms and never wanting to let me go…the feeling I get when you kiss me slowly at night, your breath against my skin…” the young man’s voice trailed off gently. “The wonderful feeling when you run your hands down my waist and wrap your arms around my waist…” the young man continued, his voice light and airy. Ethan almost smiled as he saw Mark glance at him out of the corner of his eye.

“ You _are_ a fucking tease,” Mark returned, pretending to be shocked as he glanced to Ethan. The young man smiled at him innocently. “Believe me, Mr. Nestor, if the cots were only a bit bigger I’m sure we could find other ways to enjoy ourselves apart from cuddling while we sleep.” Ethan pulled away slightly, his face flush with embarrassment as he returned his gaze to the center of the ring. “And believe me when I tell you that the time will come eventually…just not today.” The brunette couldn’t help but chuckle softly from his partner’s statement, rolling his eyes playfully. Mark smiled softly aa he watched the jugglers finish, giving a quick bow before they left the center. Ethan grinned a bit. “Mr. Nestor, I’m absolutely wild for you,” Mark whispered, glancing at Ethan with an affectionate look in his eyes. “For your eyes, and for your smile,…for the way you kiss me and the way you hold me; for the way you admire me with every bit of your soul…” Ethan gave a watery smile in return, letting out a content sigh. “I’m _crazy_ for you, Ethan.”

“Shhh,” Ethan teased softly, redirecting his gaze as he spoke in order to not draw attention to the two of them. “Do you want someone to hear us?” However, the young man’s voice was anything but serious as he giggled. His heart fluttered at the thought. Ethan was _his_ … _Mark’s_. It was a beautiful thought knowing that there was a person in his life who gave Ethan the affect of falling head over heels everytime he merely _glanced_ at them. Mark was that person. He was the person that made waking up everyday so worth it. Ethan had joined the circus for himself…and although he was also staying for the trapeze, he knew well enough that he was staying for Mark too. The brunette was staying to sleep beside the man each night, and to sit on his lap playfully during the evenings, and to lay on his own cot as Mark read to him in a gentle tone. It was more than Ethan could have ever asked for. “You’re perfect…” Ethan cooed gently.

“Thank you, treasure,” Mark returned softly. “You’re more than perfect…you’re truly unique. I have _never_ met anyone like you before…” his voice trailed off thoughtfully. Mark looked off into the arena as Ethan had, both of them looking at the acrobats. “Usually I would give you a kiss, but I suppose that will have to wait for later.” Ethan blushed, giving a quick nod of agreement. “Believe me, we’ll leave as soon as this is finished…God, I’m gonna kiss you until I can’t breathe.” The young man felt as if his entire body went flush, a delightful churning in his stomach, the words being enough to make his shiver. Good god, his partner had a way with words. Just imagining Mark’s lips against his was enough to make the brunette content as he leaned forward slightly in his seat, resting his elbows on his knees. Ethan hummed underneath his breath, his mind almost caught in a daydream. His eyes might have been fixed on the acrobats, but the brunette was hardly paying attention. Instead, Ethan was thinking about everything they were going to do after practice was over; Mark and him would sleep beside each other, that was for certain, and he was over-the-moon excited for the older man to read another chapter from the novel for him. The partners had started reaching a chapter each night, talking about what genre they would ask to borrow from Mr. Carter once they were finished. Ethan had insisted on another romance novel, one that was actually _entertaining_ , but Mark had simply replied that he was in the mood for history, claiming he had more than enough romance in his life. Of course, that had been enough to melt Ethan’s heart as he had looked at Mark with that sincere gaze of his.

However, after a few seconds, the young brunette snapped out of the trance he was in, his attention being caught by someone else staring back at him. Ethan recorrected his posture, realizing that Minnie was now looking at him out of the corner of her eye, obviously noticing how he was hardly paying attention to the performance. The young man gave an awkward smile and a half-wave, noticing how she nodded in return, and the brunette could see her giggling from her position in line. Mark glanced at Ethan out of the corner of his eye. “Who’re you waving at?” He murmured softly, cocking his head slightly as he glanced down the line, not noticing anyone who was looking at his partner.

“Minnie,” Ethan hummed in return, gesturing his head in her direction. “She caught me staring off into space, so I thought I would wave to her.” The brunette gave a simple shrug of his shoulders, saying nothing more before leaning back in his seat. Mark gave a quick nod of understanding, glancing at Minnie again before he focused his attention on Mr. Carter, listening as the man announced to the acrobats what they would be doing. “How long as Minnie been an acrobat here?” The young man questioned out of curiosity, shifting in his seat as he focused his attention to the young woman again, watching as she leaned gently against Sean. Mark glanced at Ethan again, shrugging his shoulders as he thought for a few seconds.

“Two or three years,” Mark replied simply. “I don’t really know…I don’t bother paying much attention to her. She’s not worth anyone’s trouble, considering she’s always sticking her nose in business that doesn’t pertain to her, and she’ll always manage to find a way to make herself the center of attention. You could puncture your lung and everything would be about her within two seconds. She can play people like that, you know? Make them think that she cares about them. It’s all for personal advantage, really. I don’t think Minnie has a kindhearted or goodnatured bone in her body. It’s almost as if her _instinct_ is to be incredibly obnoxious during every second of the day.” Ethan watched as the older man rolled his eyes, crossing his arms tightly against his chest as if the mere thought of the young woman was enough to disgust him. “She and I aren’t exactly friends, either, to say the least,” the man continued simply. “She knows well enough that I hate her, and I know well enough that _she_ hates _me_. That’s what makes us alike, I suppose. We have a burning hatred for each other that’s almost invisible to Mr. Carter and most of the other cast members, apart from Jack. He can hardly stand her, either. How he manages to put up with her as a _partner_ is almost inconceivable. I could never do it myself. If she were to be my trapeze partner, I would have quit the circus by now.” Ethan gave a half-smile, glancing back at the young woman hesitantly. She didn’t _seem_ as bad as Mark was saying. At least, not at first glance. 

“She looks normal to me,” Ethan mentioned hesitantly, glancing back at his partner sheepishly as he thought aloud. “I mean…she doesn’t _look_ like a bad person.”

“Looks can be deceiving,” Mark returned simply. “It’s all a facade, really. Believe me, she’s more than just a pretty face who happens to be an acrobat. She’s awful, Ethan. Every inch of her. I wouldn’t be surprised if poison flowed through her veins. I’m quite serious, treasure. Minnie just has a way about her that is insufferable, and she’s the most difficult person to be around. I pity anyone who has to work with her; I currently pity Jack at the moment, considering his disposition. Good God, I’d do something awful sinful if I was her partner. Shoot myself, or something.” Ethan frowned a bit. He didn’t like that last part.

“No, you wouldn’t…” Ethan murmured softly, glancing at his partner hesitantly. Mark looked back at him, opening his mouth to say something, but the young brunette quickly cut him off. “You wouldn’t kill yourself over something silly like that, and don’t pretend that you would, and _certainly_ don’t make a mockery of those who are foolish and cowardly enough to take their own life. You may think it’s just a joke you can kid over, but it’s not.” Mark gave a simple shrug of his shoulders before glancing away. The brunette let out a soft sigh…his partner could never truly understand what that feeling was like. The churning feeling in your stomach as you held a revolver in your hand, fiddling with the trigger as you pointed it down at the floor; feeling completely alone in the world as you sat on your bed, staring at the wall with such a numb feeling washing over you in waves of self-pity, almost as if you would be doing yourself a favor if you just pulled the fucking trigger. Almost as if you would be doing the _world_ a favor; with one jerk of your finger, everything would be over. Life…emptiness…loneliness. All the miserable feelings kept up inside you would be seemingly released if you just did it…if you just ended _everything_ for the sake of being too cowardly to deal with problems properly.

Ethan had been like that once. He could still remember the cool feeling of the gun in his hand, his fingers wrapped shakily against the handle, pointing it against his temple as he just looked out the window. Ethan remembered listening to the soft chirping of the birds, his hand trembling as he struggled to even hold the revolver steady. One-shot was all it would have taken for him to see his parents again…and he wouldn’t have to be lonely. He wouldn’t have to waste another day waiting for his life to end naturally when he could just end it himself. Ethan had taken several deep breaths, insisting that a swig of whiskey would be enough of a way to go, but he was still sober enough to be scared, and that was the part he had dreaded. He didn’t think about how painful it would be, or how he would be an inconvenience to the neighbors or police…he was _afraid_. Ethan was afraid of what would come next, and if he was ruining everything just to be met with darkness, instead of the life he thought would come. It wasn’t a feeling that the young brunette would wish on anyone else, he knew that well enough. That’s why the young man knew he had to leave…he couldn’t stay in a house where he would be reminded of his parents and the cheerfulness they had once brought to the now-empty halls, which Ethan would roam periodically. 

It was enough to make Ethan shudder as he thought about how complicated the world seemed over a month ago…before he had left. The brunette hadn’t known anything but loneliness and what it felt like to have no one in the world as he found himself straying farther and farther from home…anything to get him away from the memories that seemingly haunted his life. But finally, he had found it; the circus. Ethan had finally found a place where he belonged…and a man who he belonged _with_. The brunette knew well enough he could _never_ take that feeling for granted. Certainly not then, and certainly not ever. So, instead of frowning after Mark’s comment, he leaned on the man’s shoulder gently, enough for Mark to glance at him with a look of affection. “Hello, treasure,” Mark whispered softly.

“Hello, Mr. Fischbach,” Ethan returned teasingly, his heart fluttering in his chest. The young man shifted away from him so the two wouldn’t get caught, but he just adored the feeling of gaining Mark’s attention, something Ethan could hardly help but crave. “Have I ever told you how much I adore you?” The young man questioned playfully, glancing at Mark who shook his head teasingly in return. Ethan smiled softly, pretending to think about the statement thoughtfully. “I adore you more than the stars…I adore you more than watching the sunset alone in the grass at night. I adore you more than the books we read together, and I adore you more than the feeling of flying through the air or falling into a net. I adore you more than any man should feel about another man…” Ethan kept his voice low and airy, practically breathing the words out so that only his partner could hear. The brunette couldn’t help but smile as he watched Mark blush, clearing his throat in order to not draw attention to his flushed face…but Ethan knew well enough.

∞§—————§∞

Ethan smiled contently as he stood up from his seat, arching his back slightly and shuddering from the satisfying feeling of his spine cracking all the way up. He grinned, glancing back at Mark, who stood up reluctantly before doing the same. Finally, the acrobatic practice was over, leaving the two trapeze artists prepared to head back to their tent and read to each other until their hearts were content and their souls were filled. The young man was practically beaming with excitement, watching as most of the acrobats filed out, the brunette prepared to trail behind them and lead Mark out into the night and back to their tent, where they could fall onto a cot together and hold each other close. God, Ethan could almost feel Mark’s lips against his already as he glanced at his partner affectionately, gesturing for the older man to follow him outside of the tent so they could return to their own and do whatever they pleased the privacy of where they slept, out of sight and out of mind.

“Ethan?” The young man heard someone question. It wasn’t Mark. Ethan glanced over his left shoulder, surprised to see Minnie standing behind, still in the center of the arena as if she had been purposely left behind. The brunette cocked an eyebrow slightly, confused as to what the young woman could have wanted from him. “I was wondering if I could talk with you quickly,” Minnie continued, her voice almost trembling as she hesitantly glanced at Mark. “… _alone_ , preferably. If that’s alright with you, Ethan, of course. I would hate to put you in an uncomfortable position or anything.” The young woman’s eyes looked at Ethan pleadingly, almost as if she was _begging_ Ethan to get the older man to leave. The young man didn’t know what to do for a few seconds a she looked back at her hesitantly, reluctantly glancing back at Mark with a sincere expression. 

“Just wait outside for a little bit,” Ethan suggested, not knowing what else he was supposed to say. Minnie looked as if she was desperate to get Mark to leave, almost frightened by his presence, and Ethan wouldn’t want to hurt the young woman’s feelings, despite what Mark had said about her. That must have been the reason she didn’t want to speak with Ethan when his partner was nearby. “I promise I won’t take long,” he whispered softly, low enough for only Mark to hear, as he gave the older man a reassuring smile. “I’m sure it’s nothing to be concerned about. Most likely just something about the flying trapeze.” Mark looked at Ethan hesitantly before he reluctantly nodded his head. “Don’t have too much fun finding your destiny up there,” he continued jokingly, noticing how a small smile crept onto Mark’s face before the older man turned on his heels, walking over to the entrance of the tent and leaving silently. There was a short silence between them, almost as if Minnie was holding her breath. After a few seconds, she gave a sigh of relief.  
“Sorry about asking him to leave and all,” Minnie mentioned softly, shaking her head as she looked up from her hands. “I just didn’t want everything to be… _awkward_.” Ethan nodded in understanding. She must have been talking about how she knew Mark hated her. “I wasn’t even going to ask you to stay behind much longer, for I knew that Mark would be one step ahead to be by your side…but I couldn’t help myself. I suppose I knew well enough that you could find the strength in you to ask him to leave.” Ethan wasn’t quite sure what she meant by that, but he nodded his head nevertheless, supposing the best thing to do in his situation was to just roll with everything he was presented with. Minnie let out a soft sigh, looking at Ethan sincerely. “I’m not like he says I am, you know,” she mentioned softly. Ethan cocked an eyebrow. “An _awful_ person who should be avoided at all costs? Is that starting to ring a bell?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ethan lied simply. “I’ve never even heard Mark mention you before, and surely not in a negative light. Mark’s not the kind of man to do that.” The young brunette cleared his throat, resting his hands on his hips as he awkwardly shifted his weight from one foot to the other, searching desperately for a way they could change the subject. “So, why did you feel the need to hold me back here?” Ethan questioned, glancing at Minnie with vague curiosity.

“It’s complicated, I suppose,” Minnie replied, her voice light as she took a small step toward Ethan. “It’s almost _absurd,_ really…absurd of me to even be _trying_ to get your attention like I was to do. I mean, how could I? I’m nothing special.” Ethan cocked an eyebrow slightly, starting to become confused by the entire situation as she took another step toward him. “But, well…and I mean this in the kindest way, Ethan…I’ve been watching you practice recently. Sometimes, I’ll just convince Mr. Carter to let me leave acrobatic practice earlier, and he’ll allow me to leave. Of course, I excuse myself and I just run over to the bottom of the trapeze as fast as I can, just to watch you soaring through the air. Why, you’re awfully talented, Ethan. The most talented man I’ve ever seen before…so much more so than Mark could ever dream of becoming.” The young brunette smiled a bit, giving a half-nod in thanks, although he knew well enough he could never live up to the expectations Mark had set for himself. “You’re far more handsome too, if you don’t mind me adding,” Minnie continued softly, taking another step toward Ethan. “Being a tad bit on the younger side never really hurt anyone, I suppose.” Ethan didn’t know what she meant.

“I suppose not,” Ethan replied weakly, awkwardly glancing at the entrance of the tent and wishing he had the confidence to quickly say goodbye and leave…but he just couldn’t. The way she was speaking to him was like how a young girl would speak to her father; gently, filled with curiosity and innocence. Ethan was truly starting to wonder if the young woman had a malicious bone in her body…however, at the same time, he just wanted to leave and get back to Mark. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?” He questioned hesitantly, shifting on his feet. “Because, if that’s all, I wouldn’t want my partner to be waiting outside in the dark forever. I’m afraid it’s getting late, and both of us should be getting to bed soon.” Minnie gave a simple shake of her head.

“You don’t get it, do you,” the young woman breathed out, now standing in front of the young man, her crystal blue eyes twinkling as they met Ethan’s. The brunette shifted with discomfort as he looked down at her weakly, feeling himself tense up as she leaned closer to him. “I never would have expected a _trapeze artist_ to understand…” she whispered, her voice trailing off as she closed her eyes, gently pressing her lips against those of the young man. Ethan’s shoulders tensed up immediately, his eyes filled with something similar to panic as he stood there, frozen, his lips not moving against hers. God, what was he _supposed_ to do? 

The sound of someone scoffing filled the air. Ethan came to his senses and stumbled away from Minnie, wiping his mouth with the back of her hand and shooting her a look of confusion before he glanced over his left shoulder, his heart dropping at the sight. Mark stood in the doorway, clutching the fabric to the entrance of the tent as he weakly glanced from Minnie to Ethan, his eyes softening in an absolutely crushed sort of fashion. _Oh God_. Ethan felt a churning feeling in his stomach as he looked from Minnie to Mark, his mouth opening with exasperation as he tried to say something, but his partner quickly cut him off, the man’s eyes going cold. “Sorry if I was interrupting something,” he managed lowly. The way he glared at Ethan reminded the young man of the way his partner had looked when he first met him at the train station…cold, almost emotionless, yet that same malicious look in his eye. “Carry on.” Ethan’s heart sunk in his chest as he fought back the urge to say anything, watching as Mark left.

“I…I can’t,” Ethan choked out to Minnie, not even waiting for a response as he rushed out of the tent, his heart pounding in his chest. Mark was simply walking away from the tent. “Mark!” The young man shouted with exasperation, rushing across the grass as he found himself stumbling over to the older man, barely managing to find the air in his lungs as he felt as if he was going to start hyperventilating. “That wasn’t what it looked like, _none_ of that was what it looked like. She asked me to stay, and I thought that meant something about how she had wanted to talk to me about what you thought about her. I didn’t think that it would-”

“Save it, Ethan,” Mark said simply, glancing down at Ethan. The young man felt sick to his stomach as he looked into Mark’s eyes, noticing how they were glazed over and glossy, the starlight making it obvious that the older man would cry any second. “Go back to the tent.”

“Mark, I-”

“Save it!” Mark snapped, his voice loud and serious as he looked at Ethan with the same hurt fire in his eyes, although now he was on the verge of tears. “Just…don’t waste your breath on excuses.” Ethan shook his head weakly, opening his mouth to say something, but Mark cut him off. “Don’t make me repeat myself,” the man said lowly. It was enough to make the young man shatter into pieces just looking at him. Ethan felt physically sick…like he was going to throw up. There was just a churning in his stomach as dread rushed over him in a panic, his heart beating heavily in his chest. God, if he had just gone with Mark, none of this would have happened. 

If he had only _listened_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, the angst that you asked for. I almost didn't want to include this, which will bleed into the next chapter because I love the fluffy feeling so much, but I wanted to switch some stuff up again. 
> 
> Again, thank you guys so much for all your support! It's crazy how 2 days ago we were at 1000 hits, and we've already reached 1.6k. It's almost unbelievable, and I can't thank you guys enough. It makes my heart melt every time I reload the page and I see the number for hits, bookmarks, kudos, or comments (my favorite). have increased. You guys are absolutely amazing and, as always, Kudos + Comments appreciated.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	20. Don't Let Me Fall

Ethan took a shaky breath as he found himself waiting at the edge of his cot, his knee bouncing with anticipation as he wrapped the blanket tighter around himself. The young man made sure for his breaths to be large and deep, that way he could stop himself from crying. Just thinking about what happened alone was enough to make the young brunette start sobbing. The churning feeling in his stomach hadn’t gone away, and he felt as if he would throw-up any second if Mark didn’t walk into the tent and hold him in his arms, just to whisper that he understood how none of that was Ethan’s fault. How could it have been his fault? He hadn’t initiated it, or returned it, or even _enjoyed_ it. God, he had been thinking about Mark the entire time as he stood there, simply staring back at the young woman with such a helpless and confused expression, not knowing what he was supposed to do because he had never been forced into a situation with an unwanted kiss. So, the young man had stood there, but he was starting to see from Mark’s point of view, and the brunette knew well enough that no amount of explaining would ever be enough for the man to understand what had truly happened.

But God, Ethan couldn’t forget the look in Mark’s eye when he had glanced down at him. It had been filled with a hurt expression, his eyes glossy and helpless as he looked down to Ethan. There wasn’t a doubt in the young man’s mind that Mark felt betrayed…and God, it was all his fault. That was why the young man felt so utterly sick. Part of him knew well enough that he had just ruined the past month that they had shared…everything had gone down the drain, and no matter how much Ethan clawed to get it back, he didn’t think he could. When Mark hadn’t referred to him as ‘treasure’, the young man’s heart had sunk so far down in his chest. It was something almost pathetic to be upset over, Ethan knew that well enough, but he was upset just the same. The brunette reached hesitantly for the novel on the table that separated their cots, holding it close in his hands as he waited for Mark to return. God, he was begging desperately for Mark to come back saying that he had spoken with Minnie and that he understood what happened, or that he had realized how Ethan truly cared about him and that he would never do that to hurt him. Ethan knew well enough that his partner knew it himself inside…he just needed to remember. But, until then, Ethan felt as if he was desperately holding his breath, sinking down further knowing that his partner was most likely beside himself.

It was enough to make the young man tear up. God…he couldn’t even imagine what Mark was thinking. The older man had let down his barriers for the young brunette, and now only to believe that Ethan had intentionally kissed another ensemble member behind his back. The more he thought about it, the more purposeful everything seemed. The more it seemed like he had _known_ what Minnie wanted when she pleaded for him to stay and for Mark to leave. It truly seemed as if he had known it all along, and was just hoping the entire time that he wouldn’t get caught. Ethan sucked in another deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. But now, the only thing could think about was everything he would miss. The young man would desperately miss the feeling of Mark’s lips against his, moving together and in synch as they shut out the world inside of their tent, making everything seem as if it was just the two of them together. The young man would miss being held in the older man’s arms late at night, Mark whispering sweet nothing into his ear and pressing gentle kisses on the nape of his neck, drawing him closer and curling up around him as he slept. Ethan didn’t think about it. It would all still be there. He couldn’t think so negatively about the situation like that. Being negative about anything never got the boy anywhere.

_Ethan held the revolver in his hand, his breath trembling as he stared out the window, his heart in his throat as he longed for the pain to just melt away. The young man’s cheeks were stained with tears almost swollen. Ethan had cried as if the ferocity of wails would almost be enough to bring his parents back…as if sheer force of his hopeless…_ helpless _screams would be enough for their fate to be undone….just for him. His hysteria had been quick and strong, washing over the young man in seemingly inescapable, burdened waves. The brunette had allowed himself got dissolve into the pit of despair he promised he would never return to after the death of his father…but the death of his mother had come far too soon afterward for Ethan’s liking. And oh, how it should have been him. If it had_ only _been him. Everything would have been so much more simple than it was now…but oh, he couldn’t do that to his mother. As the young man sat on his bed, his hands quivering with his breath, he couldn’t bear to imagine the thought of his mother left both widowed and without a son, hoping desperately to cling onto the memories as if they were enough to sustain her own well being. He knew well enough she wouldn’t have been crazy enough to be where he was now…but he could never take his chances with grief. After all, Ethan had once thought that everything would pass and that it would all get better as the days pushed on, slowly and surely. But they hadn’t. Nothing had changed. The agonizing weight of the deaths of his parents still weighed him down surely, reminding him that the memories of them would never truly fade._

_That was why the young man sat where he did, the barrel of the revolver pressed firmly against his temple as he fiddled with the trigger. Maybe he could shoot himself by ‘accident’ if he continued fiddling. Surely that would be enough to save him from the dissatisfaction of knowing_ when _he was going to die, considering it would happen at his own hands. He would be able to remember the second he died, and the second the bullet pierced through his skull in a magnificent sort of way. Ethan would remember it all as he was greeted with a final suffocating feeling before death. All he had to do was aim right and pull the trigger…then everything would be over._ Everything _. The pain…the self-pity he found himself dragging on about for days, the emptiness of the house that reminded him only of his parents’ deaths, and the loneliness that loomed over him like a depressing shadow, never truly allowing him to forget_ why _he was upset. He had no one to confide with…no one who even wanted to talk to him about the weather, let alone the death of his parents._

_Ethan took a shaky breath, allowing the world around him to fade and mix together into almost a blur as he closed his eyes. The sounds became drowned out in the background under the beat of his steadily pounding heart. He could feel the revolver shaking in his hand, a tear managing to trace its way down his cheek. And, as if that was enough to set it off, the young man found himself sobbing. Long, heavy chokes, tears spilling down the side of his face as he finally opened his eyes, feeling nothing but_ defeat _as the revolver slipped from his grip, landing down on the bed beside him. Ethan let out a wail, propping his elbows upon his knees and covering his eyes with his hands as he bawled hysterically, mumbling something incoherent about his mother in between sobs…how much he missed her, and how much he loved her and how much he needed her…but above all, how much she wouldn’t want him to do it. That was why he had dropped it. It wasn’t worth it. He let out a shaky breath, steadying his nerves as he stood up from his bed, resting his hands behind his head, breathing heavily as if he had just run a mile, Nevertheless, the man stood there, his heart aching as he looked out the window._

Ethan was quickly forced away from his memory, looking up from his hands as he heard the sound of someone entering the tent. Sure enough, it was none other than Mark, who was wearing a blank expression as he moved over to his cot, saying nothing more as he sat down. Ethan gazed at him with a tender look of affection, hoping he could remind the man how much he truly cared. “I’m glad you’re here, now…” the young man admitted hesitantly, biting his lip when he realized the older man wasn’t bothering to look back at him. The brunette swallowing thickly, sucking in a small breath, the same churning feeling in his stomach finally returning as he looked at the older man. “I…I’m _so_ sorry…” the man finally managed to choke out, not sure what else he was even supposed to say as he ran his hands anxiously through his hair. “I…I didn’t think she was going to kiss me, Mark. Honest. If I had known that was her intention, I would have left with you as soon as she asked me to stay…but I just couldn’t leave, Mark. I wanted to believe that she was good, you know? I really wanted to believe her. If I had known that she was going to lean forward and…and _kiss_ me, I wouldn’t have-”

“So you decided _not_ to listen to absolutely _anything_ I had previously said to you?” Mark snapped, his voice low as he finally locked eyes with Ethan. The young man, despite being met with nothing but a cold, meaningless stare, did nothing more but gaze back at him with loving intention. His eyes were soft and longing as he stared into Mark’s eyes helplessly. “Answer the question, Ethan,” the man continued, his voice more gentle this time, although nowhere near the tone that he had once held with the brunette back when they were joking together while watching the acrobats perform. “You decided that what I had told you wasn’t good enough, and you were blindly going to leap headfirst into _that_ bullshit?” Ethan whimpered softly, looking down at his hands as he forced himself to pull his gaze away. “You didn’t even think for a second that listening to what I told you would be worth your time. You just told me to wait outside, and sure enough, you’re kissing her as soon as I walk back in. I should have known better not to let you alone with her. This is what I get for trusting, I suppose. A _slap in the face_.” Mark scoffed simply, the young man’s heart sinking in his chest as he looked down at his hands, still holding _A Heartbreak Underneath the Sun_ hopefully. The brunette glanced up at Mark, returning his eyes to the book.

Hesitantly, Ethan tossed it over to Mark’s cot, watching as the older man gave him a look of confusion when it landed beside him; almost as if it was an alien object his partner had never seen before. “You said you were gonna read to me tonight…?” Ethan mentioned hopefully, his voice trailing off as he weakly gestured his head to the book. “I think we’re on chapter eight or nine…we just left off with the main characters meeting behind the bank in Boston, because he promised her something to remind her of her mother.” Ethan paused, his heart beating quickly in his chest as he looked at the older man nervously. “Does any of that…ring a bell?” The brunette hesitantly glanced at the book beside his partner. God, he couldn’t read a whole chapter by himself, he knew that well enough. His eyes would get too caught up in a single paragraph, and he had too much on his mind to think about reading without being distracted. It would be nearly impossible to read anything about the romance between the two characters without thinking about Mark. It was enough to make the man want to start sobbing right in front of him, falling onto his knees and begging for Mark to forgive him because he couldn't live without him.

“This may come as a shock to you,” Mark scoffed sardonically, “but I’m not really in the mood for reading to anyone tonight, as insane as it must sound.” Ethan swallowed thickly, giving a hesitant nod of his head. He hadn't expected anything more, really, although Ethan couldn’t help but get his hopes up. The young man sniffled a bit, his eyes starting to gloss over as he gave another small nod. He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand as he shifted on the cot, not knowing what he was supposed to do now. “And you know what, Ethan, I don’t think I’ll be in the mood for reading to you tomorrow night, or the night after that. I’m sure you can well enough guess why I don’t want to read that fucking book to you, can’t you? Humor me, Ethan, because I’m really not sure if you’re that stupid or not.” Ethan looked down at his hands.

“No, sir,” Ethan whispered softly, his voice quivering as he spoke. “I understand.” The young man hesitantly looked up from his hands, his eyes meeting Mark’s. The brunette could see the hurt in his eyes as they softened, obviously realizing what Ethan had called him, but his partner said nothing more as he dragged his attention away. “I’m…” his voice trailed off as he took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from bursting into waterworks in front of the older man. “I’m so sorry…i-it wasn’t my fault.”

“We’re not talking about that,” Mark replied, his voice stern and almost frustrated. “We’re not talking about how you kissed Minnie, we’re talking about why I won’t read you that goddamn book. But, as you can imagine, I think we both know well enough that the two go hand in hand, wouldn’t you agree?” Ethan nodded slowly. “Read the book yourself,” Mark continued in a scoffing tone. The brunette sniffled a bit, although he reluctantly nodded his head, even though Mark knew well enough that he _couldn’t_ read it himself. Ethan knew well enough why Mark was acting like this. The older man was snapping so unapologetically because the brunette hadn’t started to cry. But the younger man wouldn’t give Mark the satisfaction of tears, even though he knew all of this would stop and Mark would apologize. Instead, Ethan blinked away the water in his eyes, frequently wiping it away with the back of his hand. God, he found himself just wanting to give in and fall apart in front of the older man, so he would rush over and hold him close in his arms, apologizing softly. Ethan knew well enough Mark wasn’t like this….he was doing this for the sake of doing it, because he thought it would prove a point. At least, Ethan liked to think so.

“I can’t, sir,” Ethan breathed out weakly, his heart stinging. 

“That doesn’t sound like my problem,” Mark scoffed. The words went straight to the younger man’s heart as he weakly looked down at his hands. 

“Of course not, sir,” Ethan said softly.

“Goddamnit, Ethan, stop calling me that,” Mark said. The young man sunk into himself, not saying anything. “It reminds me of the boxcar.” Ethan swallowed thickly. All he had ever called the man during that ride had been ‘sir’, for he had been too afraid to refer to him as anything else. Ethan hardly knew what he was supposed to refer to Mark as anymore.

“You remind me of the boxcar,” Ethan returned, his voice shaking as he looked at Mark, noticing how the man’s eyes softened. “You’re loud…commanding…you’re _scaring_ me, Mark…” Ethan’s voice trailed off as he swallowed thickly, taking another quivering breath. The young man didn’t think Mark would be yelling at him, or snapping, or scoffing. He wanted the part of Mark who wasn’t afraid to talk about the stars, or who would call him ‘treasure’ and kiss him slowly whenever they were alone together. This wasn’t him. It was almost as if the older man had built up his walls again, and Ethan couldn’t bear to think about that. “N-None of this is warranted, Mark. It wasn’t my _fault_.”

“I’m sorry, Ethan, were you expecting hugs and kisses?” Mark scoffed, his voice littered with sarcasm as he looked across the way to his partner. God, that was all Ethan _wanted;_ to be held close in Mark’s arms as the older man whispered sweet nothingness into his arm, pressing gentle kisses against his neck and the side of his face as they lay on the cot together. For him to be able to rest his head on Mark’s chest, listening to the soft and steady beating of his heart as the older man gently stroked his hair, cooing softly and airily. Ethan would do anything to rest his head in Mark’s lap, looking up at the older man as he read to him gently, his voice slow and tender.

“I was _expecting_ you to understand that this isn’t my fault,” Ethan choked out with exasperation, hardly knowing how to respond to his partner anymore. “I was _expecting_ you to walk into the tent and tell me how you had spoken with Minnie, and how _she_ had been the one to initiate the kiss, _not me_. I don’t _like_ girls, Mark. I’ve never felt such a feeling of affection for anyone as I do with you, even at this very moment. Despite _everything_ that’s been said, I know well enough I could _never_ care for someone the way I care for you. It’s almost unbelievable what I would do for you, Mark…” his voice trailed on as he watched Mark look back at him, his eyes softening. However, before the older man could respond, Mark shifted on his cot, laying back and looking up at the ceiling. Ethan’s heart sunk in his chest as he sat. On his cot, a familiar feeling of numbness washing over him, one that he hadn’t felt in over a year. He swallowed thickly, watching as Mark shifted again on the cot. After a few seconds, the young man stood up from his cot, reaching for his blanket as he walked over to Mark’s.

However, when Ethan was about to shift onto Mark’s cot, the older man sat up, scrunching his nose slightly. “And what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He scoffed. Ethan’s shoulders slumped slightly, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to think of something to say. The young man had become so accustomed to sleeping beside his partner…feeling Mark’s hot breath against his neck as he drifted off to sleep, and his arms around his waist as he tugged him close, his back practically pressed up against the older man’s chest as Mark rested his chin on Ethan’s shoulder. The young man sucked in a deep breath as he hesitantly took a step backward, almost uncertain.

“I was just-”

“You weren’t _just_ doing anything,” Mark continued sternly, gesturing his head to Ethan’s cot. “You have your own. Use it.” Ethan swallowed thickly, at the verge of tears as he looked down at Mark. God, had he really ruined everything for them? Ethan knew Mark was hurting…but couldn’t the older man see that he was hurting too?Nevertheless, the young man kept his chin up, taking a small breath as he looked down at Mark weakly. 

“Mark…” he breathed out, desperately repeating what he had mentioned so many times before.He looked into the older man’s hurt eyes tenderly, forcing a watery smile. “I didn’t mean for… _any_ of this to happen. I didn’t mean for her to kiss me, and I didn’t mean for you to see, and I didn’t mean to stay behind because I _know_ should have listened to you.” Ethan’s eyes glossed over as he looked into Mark’s, his heart pounding in his chest. “ _Please_ …” he choked out with desperation. The young man hesitantly crawled onto Mark’s cot, sitting in front of the older man, resting his hands on top of Mark’s. The older man watched him simply, his own eyes softening as he looked back into Ethan’s. “I’ve never needed a person in my life as much as I need you right now…” the young man breathed out, leaning forward. He felt his lips graze needily against Mark’s. However, the older man pulled away slightly, leaving Ethan weakly sitting there. “ _Mark_ ,” Ethan begged.

“Don’t waste your breath,” Mark replied simply, wrapping the blankets around himself before he lay back down on the cot. Ethan continued to sit on the cot for a few more seconds before he hesitantly stood up, dragging his own blanket behind him as he sulked back to his own cot, feeling physically empty as he fell back onto it. The young man repositioned the blankets so that they were draped over him as he weakly curled up into a ball, his heart beating steadily and sadly in his chest as he wrapped his arms around himself, pretending they were Mark’s. The brunette sniffled, longing to be able to press his back against Mark’s chest and to feel the older man pressing gently kisses onto the side of his neck, a feeling the young man knew was irreplaceable. The brunette felt so incredibly lonely, even though he knew Mark was in the cot just across the way. Nevertheless, he hugged himself, whimpering softly as he heard the soft sound of Mark blowing out the candle, the room being filled with darkness. Ethan pressed his cheek gently into his pillow, his eyes watering sadly as his body seemingly went numb from emotion. Ethan could remember well enough the last time he had felt like this…it had been when he held a revolver in his hand and a deep breath in his lungs, hoping to exhale as the shot rang through the neighborhood. After sleeping beside Mark for a week, Ethan almost couldn’t stand the thought of having to sleep in his cot by himself, as pathetic as it sounded.

Ethan knew well enough that if he came crying, Mark would be tripping over himself to make quick with apologizing. The older man wasn’t heartless, despite what he was leading his partner to believe, but Ethan was too weak to cry. Instead, he lay on his cot, his heart in his throat that just wouldn’t swallow down. He listened to the soft sound of Mark breathing from across the way, pretending that maybe Mark was laying next to him and holding him close in his arms. Ethan let out a shaky breath. He had ruined everything. The young man had surely ruined everything between them, and now the only thing he could do was lay in his cot and just _wish_ that he could turn back the clocks and listen to what Mark had said…what Mark had said when Ethan had still been his treasure. The young man sniffled softly, keeping his voice slow as he felt a few tears pool in his eyes, slowly trailing down the side of his. face. Ethan breathed shakily, his heart beating slowly in his chest as he found himself falling asleep, crying softly as he went.

∞§—————§∞

Ethan lay awake in his cot, his heart in his throat. The young brunette hadn’t gotten much longer than an hour of sleep before he had found himself waking up, his cheeks still stained with tears and his eyes stinging in an uncomfortable fashion. The young man had rubbed his watery eyes, feeling the slick tears against the back of his hand. Ethan leaned back to be comforted by the feeling of Mark pressed against him…but he wasn’t there. The young man sighed softly when he remembered, suddenly feeling so incredibly alone as he lay in the cot by himself. Ethan sniffled softly, his stomach churning in a sickening way. What if that was it? What if he had just ruined everything last night…and it was the end of everything between him and Mark? No more gentle kisses in the evening, or meaningful and tender gazes throughout the day that would satisfy their affection for each other. No more curling up next to each other at night, whispering playfully to each other whenever they got the chance. Ethan felt like he was going to throw-up. Mark had made him feel so _complete_ after what had happened to the young boy back in Pennsylvania. Now, …he just felt empty again.

Ethan had left Pennsylvania with nothing but an empty heart, hoping to find someone who could truly help _him_. Mark had been that person. Mark had completed him, and Mark had reminded him of his worth. The young man couldn’t even begin to imagine what life would have been like if he hadn’t met his partner…God, he would have only ended up where he started off, although Ethan knew well enough he would have gone through with it that time around. Slowly, the young man sat up, wrapping his arms around his knees as he pressed them close to his chest. He let out a soft, choked sob, inhaling deeply as he found himself tensing up. The young man tried not to wail as he allowed the tears to pour from his eyes, his heart aching. The brunette felt as if he had lost everything at that very moment. He felt like he had lost _Mark_. Ethan gave another helpless sniffle, thinking back to almost everything; thinking back to the first time he realized he wanted to _mean something_ to Mark…the first time he had watched the stars with him and the first time Mark had kissed him. The first time they had slept beside each other, and the first time Mark had read so tenderly to him. The first time Mark had looked into his eyes with such an affectionate gaze…and the first time the older man had called him ‘treasure’. Was that all gone?

Ethan attempted to stifle the sound of himself crying as he bit his lip sharply, his shoulders trembling as he cried softly into his hands, forcing himself not to let out a wail. He could feel his body physically quivering as he cried softly, longing for the feeling of Mark comforting him, stroking his hair gently and showering him with light kisses. As much as Ethan tried to hold in everything…the pain, his tears, his wails…he would eventually let out a soft choking noise as he cried, as if his screams were getting caught in his throat as he cried softly. The young man blinked briny tears from his now bloodshot eyes in between soft sobs, his eyelashes thicker as they stuck together, droplets sticking to them attentively. There was a deep pain he could feel aching in his chest, one that he couldn’t get to go away as he cried quietly. Slowly, however, the young man let himself fall apart on his cot, taking in a deep breath before he let out a wail, tears streaming down his face. He just couldn’t help it. At first, crying softly had been easy, but he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Ethan allowed for the pain to unravel, the threads of memories seemingly coming undone before him as he thought back on each little thing. He opens his mouth, but no sound comes out, his body quivering as he cried. The young man was in hysterics as he let out another loud sob, no longer caring who heard him and who bothered enough, the brunette gasping for air that seemingly wasn’t there. It was enough to make him start hyperventilating. Ethan held his head in his hands as he sobbed, every part of him coming undone, his sobs filling the silence in the tent. After a few seconds, the young man couldn’t help but toss his head back, wrapping his arms around himself. 

“Ethan…?” The young man heard someone breathe out drowsily, but the sound was drowned out from underneath the loud sobs of the brunette, whose shoulders trembled as he cried. Ethan wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, rubbing them furiously, but it barely even made a difference. So, he stopped caring, simply crying from his cot and holding himself in his arms. All of the little things were piling on top of each other, giving him nothing but a sickly feeling of dread and regret. Dwelling on the past was certainly getting him nowhere. “Ethan…” the older man repeated, his voice gentle and reassuring as he listened to his partner sob hysterically from across the way, sinking into himself and feeling incredibly alone. Ethan paid Mark no attention, coughing as he tried to take deep breaths and calm himself down, but it wasn’t working. His eyes were still bloodshot, and his cheeks were slick with tears, and his cot felt empty because the younger man had become so accustomed to sleeping beside Mark. 

“I’m… _sorry_ ,” Ethan choked out with exasperation, sniffling a bit as he held himself in his arms. The older man’s eyes widened when he realized what his partner was crying about. He hadn’t had a nightmare, and he hadn’t been thinking about his parents…Ethan had been thinking profusely about what had happened between the two of them a little over an hour ago. How Mark had pushed him away, and how Mark had refused him, and how Mark had been rude. Ethan coughed, taking deep breaths as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand again, a familiar burning sensation filling them now that he was no longer crying. “I didn’t…I didn’t _mean_ for any of it to happen.” His bottom lip quivered as he sat there on his cot, his heart beating quickly in his chest. “And…and now-”the young man cut himself off as he started crying again, surprisingly not having drained himself of the pain he had bottled up for the past hour, all while insisting he was strong when he knew well enough he wasn’t.

“Ethan,” Mark breathed out, his voice almost breaking at the sight of his partner in tears. The young man’s name was the only word on his tongue as he hesitantly lifted himself from his cot, his heart aching as he walked over to Ethan’s side of the tent. Ethan looked up at him, his eyes glossed over and his cheeks swollen. Mark hesitantly crawled onto the cot, not surprised as Ethan reached for him, wrapping his arms around him desperately as he pulled himself close. The older man shifted, hooking his arms around Ethan’s waist as he felt the young brunette’s arms shifted loosely around his neck, burying his face into the older man’s shoulder. Ethan sat in Mark’s lap, wrapping his legs around his waist as he pressed himself close, saying nothing as he cried softly into his shoulder, falling apart into the older man. “I’m so sorry, treasure…” Mark whispered softly, Ethan’s heart fluttering despite himself as he wiped his eyes on Mark’s nightshirt, leaving a damp stain of tears. “What I said was so…I didn’t…” the older man thought desperately of what he was supposed to say as he held Ethan close. “I just got so _upset_ ,” he choked out, his voice trembling as he held Ethan. “Seeing you with her made me furious, and I didn’t care about anything else besides the fact that I had seen you two together…I didn’t listen to anything you said in defense; I could only hear myself thinking about how _betrayed_ I felt, even though that was hardly what had happened.”

Ethan sniffled softly, not looking up from the man’s shoulder.

“I just… _broke_ ,” Mark admitted, not even sure himself who he was talking to, but he just held Ethan in his arms. “I didn’t…I didn’t think about how you felt, and how sorry you were; I could only think about _me_ and how _beside myself_ I was. God…I was an asshole.” His voice was soft as he gently rubbed Ethan’s back, calming his partner down as the younger man had stopped crying, now weakly hiding his face in the older man’s nightshirt, balling up the fabric in his hands and refusing to let go. “It’s okay…” the older man whispered, his voice gentle and tender as he held the young man close in his arms. “Everything’s okay, treasure…”

Ethan let out a soft sigh. Not of relief, or content, or sadness, or frustration…simply because he had been holding his breath for too long as his partner spoke. The young brunette continued breathing shakily, his hands relaxing as he weakly let go of the fabric of Mark’s shirt, although he didn’t unwrap his arms from around his neck, despite loosening them a bit more. “For how much I shit-talk Minnie, I should have known that she would have done something like that,” Mark continued, almost jokingly, and the young man couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, although it wasn’t much. He turned his head slightly, placing his cheek on Mark’s shoulder instead of his forehead, now gently pressing his nose against Mark’s neck. The older man smiled, continuing to gently rub his partner’s back, cooing softly. “I’m sorry…” Mark repeated, sincerely trying to get his point across. “I’m so so sorry…I promised I would never hurt you, and I did, and I’m so sorry…” Ethan nuzzled him gently, humming softly against his neck in return. ‘Say something, treasure…” Mark managed, sighing softly. “Yell at me, or something. Tell me that I was wrong to yell at you, and that I was wrong to turn you away and deny you. Tell me how _awful_ I was to you.” The young man’s heart fluttered as he didn’t say anything. “I deserve it…” Mark continued thoughtfully, biting his lip,

Ethan pulled away gently, looking Mark is in the eyes. The older man gazed back at him gently, a look of compassion and affection in his eyes, a subtle longing subdued behind it. “Say something…” he breathed out again. Ethan bit his lip.

“I love you…” Ethan murmured softly, his voice sincere as he looked up at his partner. The older man paused, not knowing what to say as he looked down at his partner, almost melting at the words. “I love you…so much…” the brunette continued, a half-smile creeping on his face as he gazed at Mark. The older man looked at him lovingly, gently cupping the left side of Ethan’s face, feeling the younger brunette lean into his touch. The young man leaned forward gently, his heart fluttering as he pressed his lips against Mark’s, his eyes closing with content. Their lips moved slowly together, Ethan unwrapping his legs from around the older man’s waist before he found himself straddling his partner. Mark rested his hands on his lover’s thighs, working his hands up until they were placed firmly on the younger boy’s waist, Ethan letting out a short, muffled whine against his partner’s lips. Mark pulled away from him gently, looking up at the young man with a look of pure affection.

“I love you too…” he whispered. Ethan gave a watery smile, his heart fluttering in his chest as he looked down at Mark. “And I really do mean it, Ethan…” his voice trailed off. Ethan felt as the older man slowly trailed his hands down to the brunette’s hips, biting his lip as he looked up at his partner. The young brunette watched sheepishly as Mark leaned up, pressing his lips against the younger man’s neck. Ethan melted into his partner’s touch, tilting his head back slightly before he felt the older man slipping his hands underneath his shirt, a rushed action as he nipped at his neck. Ethan pulled away slightly, Mark looking at him simply.

“Not like this, Mark…” Ethan said softly. Mark gave a half-smile. “I…I’ve never…and this is just so…and the cot is so _small_ , and-”

“It’s okay, treasure,” Mark whispered softly, his voice reassuring as he reached to gently stroke his lover’s hair. “I understand.” Ethan gave a watery smile as he gazed down at his partner, that same loving feeling in his chest. “I’ll wait as long as I need for you.”

“Eventually,” Ethan promised, hesitantly crawling off of his partner’s lap. “Just…not now.” Mark gave another nod, the young man smiling as he shifted to the right side of the cot, leaving room for his lover on the left. “I still want you to hold me, though…” he breathed out. Mark smiled.

“I can do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> Sorry that this chapter came out later than intended. I just caught up in some stuff and wasn't able to edit it in time. No worries, however, because here it is! I hope you guys don't mind that the angsty feeling didn't last *forever*. As much as I love angst, I feel like having it drag on forever wouldn't be right for this situation, considering how in love they seemed last chapter when they were watching the acrobats together. So, for the people who are looking for angst, there WILL be more, but it comes in small fragments. 
> 
> For the people looking for smut, your time will come soon, my child. I was originally going to have it in this chapter, but it just seemed rushed, you know what I'm saying? As much as make-up sex works for a LOT of literary works, as well in real life, I feel like it just didn't work with this situation, considering it's going to be Ethan's first time. I want there to be a chapter dedicated to that, and (according to my layout if I'm not going to change anything) that should be coming up in about 3-5 chapters. I just wanted to clear that up in case you were hoping for something to build up from that attempted smut scene. Sorry, Mark. Today just isn't the day.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for your support on this fic. It's absolutely mindblowing getting to see how many people appreciate it, and how many new usernames I get to see in the comments announcing that they read it all the way through. The word-count for this fic is actually starting to get insane, and is apparently the lengthiest Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor fanfiction (which, is honestly an honor, in a weird sort of way). I do intend for all my fanfics to be this length, and the next fic (Baby of Mine) won't be any different. 
> 
> Anyway, I love reading your comments! So, going off of that, Kudos + Comments are appreciated!
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply!


	21. For Your Convenience

“Is that everything?” Ethan questioned hesitantly, humming softly as he forced his suitcase closed, surprised how it was harder to close, despite having the same amount of stuff in it as before. Possibly because he had attempted to fold things this time instead of aimlessly just shoving them in like before when he had left Pennsylvania, allowing the clothing to intermingle with each other as he hopped from town to town and traveled from state to state. It had been quite the experience…but now he felt almost too polished to just leave his clothes in scrunched up piles, wrinkling at the bottom of his suitcase. Well, at least, Ethan didn’t want to do it in front of Mark. Not like his lover would have judged him…it was more of a self-conscious sort of thing. Nevertheless, Ethan had decided on folding his clothes neatly on the cot before stacking them gingerly in his suitcase, which was now refusing to close as he pushed it down forcefully, applying as much of his weight onto his hands as he could without breaking his wrists from the pressure. The young man let out a grunt of frustration as he stepped away from the cot, watching the top to the suitcase bounce up slightly before remaining open. “You’ve got to be kidding me…” he breathed out, resting his hands on his hips as he looked at the suitcase, almost as if it had purposely opened.

Ethan and Mark were currently packing up everything of importance, humming softly and joking with each other as they did. The older male could hardly keep his hands off of his lover, and had limited himself to sitting on the cot as he merely watched Ethan pack everything up for himself. It really shouldn’t have been taking as long as it was, but the young man had insisted that refolding everything would only be the right thing to do, considering he didn’t want anything to be messy when he opened his suitcase again. Mark had chuckled simply, giving a playful roll of his eyes and continuing to sit on the cot, resting his hands on his knees. Ethan had rambled on periodically about how excited her was, and how his dreams were coming true, and how he was so excited to perform that week…all while reminding Mark that he would hold him _only_ when he was finished packing. No sooner. The brunette had laughed softly as he folded his clothes.

The two of them were packing up everything because the train would be there in an hour to take them to the next state over. It would be a relatively short ride, nowhere near as long as the one they took to get where they currently were. Of course, they were advised to rest on the train, considering their first performance would be the following night. Ethan could hardly believe any of it, of course, and he was over the moon with excitement as he eagerly packed everything up, his heart drumming contently in his chest as he went. The following performances were going to be the start of something great, Ethan already knew that. And the fact that he would be able to live out his dream with his lover made the entire experience all the better. The brunette surely wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, he knew that well enough. All the young man could dream about now was flying through the air, feeling warmed by the heat of the limelight and the feeling of his lover’s hands tightly grasping his as he held him fifty feet above the ground. This time, there would be no net. The two of them would have to perform everything perfectly, or else Ethan would end up plummeting fifty feet to the ground, most likely killing himself instantly if he were to land on his back or head. However, although the concept was frightening, Ethan enjoyed the risk. He loved the feeling of knowing that the death-defying portion of their act was what _made_ people so intrigued by the concept of the flying trapeze. There was no excitement to it if just an average person could do it themselves. However, when someone had truly trained for it and was prepared to risk their life for the audience… _that_ was when it became exciting.

Ethan could only hope that the audience would think the same. He loved the thought of knowing they would be at the edge of their seats, barely blinking just so they could keep their eyes on the duo as the young brunette soared through the air, his heart in his throat as he flipped forward and backward. Ethan could hardly wait to feel the air sifting through his hair as he put all his trust into his partner, who had never once dropped him. That was the most dreading part of the act, however. Mark had never dropped Ethan, never even fumbling to grab him. The only time Ethan had fallen into the net was when he jumped too soon or too late, which was entirely his fault. The performance, so to say, would _only_ be ruined if Ethan did something wrong, which wasn’t exactly the most optimistic thing to think about the day before a performance. However, the young man couldn’t help but be reminded that it was all the more a reason to trust his lover, who he knew well enough would be looking out for him the entire time. That was the wonderful thing about Mark…how much he sincerely cared for Ethan, despite everything the two of them had gone through over the past two months. 

Of course, Ethan couldn’t help but be incredibly grateful for how the entire experience had managed to play out through the past months. He had managed to not only befriend the one man who he thought would despise him the entire time, but also fall in love with him.The young brunette had learned who he was supposed to trust and who he _wasn’t_ supposed to trust. And, something that was almost unfathomable to him, he had practiced reading and found that it was much easier than he had assumed. Ethan hadn’t read much before joining the circus; occasionally he would read the headlines of the newspaper, although he never was interested in continuing with the actual article. Just the words that were in a bigger font…he usually found them easier to read. Of course, he would also look at the illustrations, which would most usually be satire, and would most always poke fun at each side of the political party and such. Not like Ethan paid much attention to that.

“I _think_ that’s everything,” Mark returned thoughtfully. He hummed, glancing around the tent to see if they had missed anything, before he eventually noticed Mr. Carter’s book on the table between the cots. The older man scoffed, a grin on his face as he reluctantly reached for the novel, holding it in his hands. Ethan glanced up at him, smiling a bit and rolling his eyes playfully when he noticed what he was holding. “Well, apparently not _everything_ ,” he continued simply, flipping through the book before he gave Ethan a questioning look. “You know, I think we should leave this here,” he mentioned, giving a simple shrug of his shoulders afterward. “I mean, as much as I would _love_ to continue reading it…I don’t think Mr. Carter would be fond of us keeping his stuff without him knowing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already forgotten about lending the book to you in the first place.” Ethan gave Mark a look.

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Ethan replied. “I don’t want to have absolutely _nothing_ to do for the train ride.” Make nodded in understanding, reluctantly tossing the book over to Ethan. “No, I don’t think I can fit another thing in here,” he continued, shaking his head as he passed the novel back to Mark. “This goddamn think won’t even close as it is, which should be impossible! I stacked everything _neatly_ this time, instead of just shoving it all in there like I had previously. If anything, I should have room for even more than I packed prior.” Ethan paused, pushing down on the top again to demonstrate how it wouldn’t go down. After giving another frustrated groan, he sighed, glancing over his right shoulder back at Mark. “Could you help?” He questioned softly, giving a half-smile as he gestured his head to the suitcase. “I’m sure you’re stronger than I am.” Mark smiled simply, folding his arms loosely over his chest as if he was pondering his options. “I would _prefer_ I get everything packed as soon as possible….” The young man continued teasingly, shifting so that he was sitting beside his suitcase on the bed.

“Alright,” Mark decided quickly. “How about we make a deal?”

“A deal?” Ethan giggled, cocking his eyebrow slightly as he looked at his lover sardonically. “I think the only deal that should be made is that _you_ close my suitcase and you get the satisfaction of knowing you’ve been helpful in return. Wouldn’t you agree, darling?” He gave a mock-smug smile as he looked at his partner, who cocked his eyebrow in return. “Oh, come on, surely you wouldn’t mind showing me how _strong_ you are,” the young man continued teasingly, sitting at the edge of his cot as he gazed at Mark. However, to no avail. “Or you can do it because you love me.” 

“I’ll do it if you give me a kiss first,” Mark suggested, a smug look on his face.

“ _Or_ ,” Ethan mentioned playfully, returning the offer, “and hear me out when I say this…” his voice trailed off gently and dramatically as he looked across the way at his lover. “I give you a kiss _if_ you manage to successfully close the suitcase, which we both know well enough you’ll do perfectly because you’re stronger than I am and you’re more determined than I am.” He shifted slightly, gesturing his head to the suitcase once again. “So, how about it Mr. Fischbach?” Ethan questioned, his voice almost in a whisper as he looked at his partner lovingly. “Are you gonna swallow your pride and close the suitcase for me?” Mark looked back at him simply, rolling his eyes playfully.

“Well, you’re gonna kiss me _anyway_ if I do it for you,” Mark mentioned. “Cause we’ll have already been finished packing.”

“You don’t know that,” Ethan mentioned, almost in a threatening way, although the young man knew well enough he didn’t have a threatening bone in his body. “For all you know I would have just hugged you when we were finished. I never promised you a kiss.” He smiled softly, gesturing his head to the suitcase. “It’s the last time I’m offering, darling.” Mark gave him a look, almost as if he didn’t believe him. Ethan cocked his head slightly, giving an over-dramatic sigh as he got up from the cot. “Well, I suppose I should have known you didn’t want to help,” he continued, a mock disappointment in his voice as if it _pained_ him to say it. “But I suppose I could just close it on my own after another try or two…” his voice trailed off softly as he stood up from the cot, giving his partner a look before he turned around, resting his hands on the top of the suitcase again. However, the young man didn’t have to apply much force, for within the next second he could hear the sound of Mark’s cot shifting as he darted off of it. Not surprisingly, he was standing beside Ethan as soon as he could. “Glad you decided to join me,” he teased.

“Sit on the suitcase,” Mark instructed, gesturing his head to the top.

“Yes, _sir_ ,” Ethan responded, smiling softly, shifting a bit. He turned around completely, now facing his partner before he leaned back, sitting on the top of the suitcase. The young brunette gave a grin as the top of the suitcase went down fully, the two sides being pressed together with a click. “You know, you practically didn’t have to do anything,” Ethan mentioned thoughtfully, humming as he looked at his partner. “I don’t really know if this counts as you being of assistance.” Mark gave a sardonic look, kneeling down gently so he was face-to-face with the latch of the suitcase. He latched it shut, cocking an eyebrow as he looked up at his lover.

“I latched it shut, didn’t I?”

“I _suppose_ …” Ethan teased, humming softly as if he wasn’t quite sure. Mark rolled his eyes playfully, standing up and leaning forward. The young brunette slid his legs apart as he sat on the suitcase, allowing the older man to stand between them. Ethan reached his arms up, loosely wrapping them around his partner’s neck, drawing him close, giggling softly as he did. “I’ll allow it, just this once…” he whispered gently, giving a breathless giggle as the older man leaned down, pressing their lips together. Ethan let out a content sigh against his lips, feeling the older men gently rest a hand on his lover’s thigh. “You’re a fucking tease, Mr. Fischbach…” the younger man breathed out against his lips, feeling Mark smile into the kiss. 

“I’m not a tease,” Mark replied simply, pulling away gently, although his forehead was still pressed gently against Ethan’s. The young brunette looked up at him sheepishly, a twinkling, _loving_ look in his eye as he gazed at his lover affectionately. “You and I know well enough what we could be doing if this cot was a little bit bigger and we just had a bit more time…” his voice trailed off slowly, Ethan tilting his head back slightly to gaze into his lover’s eyes. The young man smiled sheepishly, his cheeks going flush with embarrassment. God, he was wild for Mark. The older man chuckled softy, reconnecting their lips again, Ethan kissing him hungrily as he slid his hands through his hair. Feeling Mark’s lips moving with his was like heaven on Earth, his sultry breath against his face as he pulled their lips away occasionally, having the bad habit of holding the air into his lungs until he felt like suffocating and then some. The young brunette pressed his hand gently against his lover’s chest, taking in another deep breath as they pulled away slightly again. 

Mark kissed Ethan’s cheek gently, his kisses trailing down to below his jaw. The younger man sucked in a small breath, exhaling shakily as he tilted his head back. His hands traveled from Mark’s hair to the sheets of the cot, balling them up in his right fist tightly. “Tease…” he insisted softly, receiving only a light hum in return from the older man, his lips pressed against his neck. Ethan felt his resistance crumbling before him after only the feeling of the man’s hot breath against his neck. His head was swimming as he swept his hair slowly through the older man’s hair again, the feeling of him being so close almost intoxicating. Mark hooked his arms gently around the young brunette’s waist, tugging him closer. “Mark…” the young man breathed out softly, chewing on his lower lip as he continued stroking his lover’s hair gently. A shiver was sent up the man’s spine as he felt Mark’s teeth gently grazing his neck. “ _Mark_ ,” Ethan repeated again, his breath hitching in his throat.

“Yes?” Mark breathed out softly, pulling away gently.

“God, don’t _stop_ …” Ethan insisted. Mark chuckled softly, standing up straight. “Mark,” the young man whined.

“We have to get organized with the rest of the ensemble,” Mark insisted softly, giving a smile that was sincere enough, although Ethan knew the entire situation must have been convenient for him. “Surely you understand.” Ethan looked at him simply, fighting every urge to pout as he looked up at the older man. “Oh, don’t be like that,” Mark chuckled. He leaned down, pecking Ethan’s lips gently before he regained his posture. “Tomorrow night, we’ll have a reason to celebrate…and we’ll have a proper bed.” The young man smiled sheepishly, looking down at his hands. Mark grinned. 

“So, how about we get going?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This chapter is kiiiinda short, but I knew that the next chapter was going to be on the longer side, so I didn't want to have this one trail on forever. As always, I've never broken my streak of at least one chapter a day, and I have no intention of doing so. I'm glad you guys are liking this fic so far, although it's coming to a noticeable end relatively soon. Not in the next 6 chapters, but SOMEWHAT soon. It can't go on forever.  
> The first chapter of "Baby of Mine" is in the works currently. I'm working on creating the /perfect/ first chapter so it can draw your attention in as much as "Fifty Feet in the Air" did. 
> 
> I'm so very excited to work on the performance, and I've been studying the circus videos again to get each stunt right so I know how to describe it.  
> I'm also so very terrified to write the smut scene, which is coming up painfully soon, aaaaa. I can truthfully say that I have NEVER written smut before, so this is either going to flop or be perfect, there is no in-between. I'd like to /think/ that I'll be alright, but you never know.
> 
> As always, thank you for your support! Kutos + Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	22. Be Gentle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just figured out we can write notes at the beginning TOO! That's so cool! Double the notes!  
> Thank you guys for 2000 hits. I know it's not a lot, but it's more than I expected, and I can't thank you enough. Also, thank youuuuu for all the wonderful comments, especially to those of you who take the time to write one out thoughtfully. I absolutely adore that.
> 
> I hope you guys appreciate this chapter. I STILL have not broken my streak of updating at least once a day, and I surely wasn't going to let it happen today

“What are performances like?” Ethan questioned with curiosity, holding his suitcase tightly in his grasp as he got up from the cot. Mark hummed thoughtfully for a few seconds, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Surely it can’t be that hard to answer,” the young brunette teased, looking at his partner longingly. “Do you get scared when you’re up in the air, or do you know that everything is going to be alright? Does the crowd every get bored of the stunts, or are they always sitting at the edge of their seat; just _praying_ that it lasts a few more seconds, and just hoping we won’t fall to make their wish come true. Do you feel the heat of the limelight? Does everyone hold your breath when we leap? Do _we_ hold our breath when we leap?” The young man thought for a few seconds. He supposed he himself _did_ in fact hold his breath whenever he leaped forward. Nevertheless, the brunette was filled with a long series of questions, each one more precise than the next. Ethan Nestor had always loved asking questions. It was something that most would consider childish, but not to him. Asking questions meant you were truly interested in things, and wanted to learn more about them. That was the case with the young brunette and the flying trapeze. Although he had practiced almost every day for the past two months, he was still yet to learn everything he needed to know.

“Do we just have to stand on the platforms and wait through the entire beginning performances until we end the show?” Ethan continued with curiosity. If that was the case, surely the young man would have no trouble bringing a book up there with him. Although, seeing the acrobatic acts from above didn’t seem like the worst idea in the world; he knew well enough it was no audience view, but he supposed it could work. “What if I get too scared to do it? Do I get fired? Will he fire me if something goes wrong? Well, I suppose if something goes wrong I won’t be _alive_ for him to fire me, but…” Ethan continued rambling on with his questions, Mark listening to him simply. The older man sat down on his cot, smiling softly as his lover proceeded to continue speaking of something of unimportance, but Mark simply acted as if it was the most important thing in the world, nodding his head occasionally to prove he was still paying attention. Anything to make the younger man happy, of course. Whenever Ethan spoke, it was as if. The young man was swept away to his own little world, his head clouded with thoughts that he just couldn’t help but get out; almost as if something was _forcing_ him to speak. Of course, it had become obvious to Mark over the two months that the young man could hardly help himself, so there was no point in mentioning it.

“And do the acrobats do the same performance every time?” Ethan continued, almost out of breath as he rambled on. “What if the same people come back to see the show? Will they speak illy of the performance once they realize it’s the same thing each time, or are people used to it? Is that just something they know; that the performance will be the same each night? Or…” his voice trailed off as he looked at Mark, sighing softly. “Sorry,” he mentioned, finally realizing that he had been asking questions for over a minute, and that the older man had most likely forgotten half of them as he tried to keep up. “I guess I asked a little bit too many, huh?” The older man simply chuckled, shaking his head slightly as he smiled. “Don’t lie,” Ethan insisted. “I know I talk too much; I just can’t help it, you know? I mean, sure, there’s my _thing_ …but I’m also just curious. I like knowing stuff and I like learning things; I always have and I suppose I always will. I guess you’ll have to deal with that from now on.” The young brunette smiled, giggling a bit as he shifted on the cot.

“Believe me, I’m more than happy to listen to you talk, as long as I get to call you mine,” Mark reminded his lover. The younger man’s face went flush with embarrassment as he smiled shyly at his partner. “And I don’t mind. It’s nice knowing that there are still people in the world who are curious about things.” Ethan smiled, giving a small nod. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to answer all your questions, though…mostly because I really can’t remember half of what you said. I listened as well as I could, sure; but at some point, each question just becomes the same as you try to analyze it _while_ attempting to remember the last one, and it just doesn’t work like that I suppose.” The older man hummed thoughtfully. “What I _can_ tell you is that being up in the air…being on the trapeze…it’s one of the best feelings in the world. You’re in your own space, and you aren’t even _thinking_ about anything else but flipping and soaring. You’re certainly not thinking about the audience, that’s for sure. You don’t even think about the lack of net below you. The entire time you’re just flying fifty feet above the ground, without a care in the world, and you haven’t got anything else to say about it. It’s wonderful, really. I wouldn’t trade the feeling for anything in the world.” Ethan grinned at the thought.

“Only when you’re finishing the performance do you remember that there’s no net below you,” Mark continued, humming softly. “When you’re in the air, you don’t have a care in the world…but as soon as you’re finished and back on the platform, the reality of it all heightens and you feel a mix of pride and disturbance, almost as if you want to question yourself as to _why_ you did it. But, even if you _did_ ask yourself, you know well enough that you wouldn’t trade the feeling for the world either, so you learn to live with that sense of doubt before you jump off the platform; it all melts away when you’re in the air. Believe me, I’ve been doing it long enough to know. You _think_ you’ll be terrified once you stand on the platform and overlook the ground, but as long as you stare ahead you just forget everything. You forget that there’s no net, and you forget that you’re fifty feet in the air…you practically forget about fear itself. In the world you’re living in your head, there’s nothing more than the flying feeling you crave and the rush of adrenaline you receive whenever you leap from your swing to mine.” The older man hummed. thoughtfully. “I think that sums everything up,” he admitted.

“Why thank you, Mr. Fischbach,” Ethan replied playfully, beaming happily as he looked at his partner from across the way. “I believe you’ve answered all of my questions.” Not really, of course, but at least the important ones. The young man smiled before he stood up. “Well, you said that we had to get going,” Ethan continued, gesturing his head to the entrance of the tent. “And regardless of whether or not that was the truth, we’re going.” Mark grinned a bit, giving a reluctant nod before standing to his feet.

“Do you have a suit, by any chance?” The older man questioned after a few seconds, glancing over his shoulder after reaching for his own suitcase. “Mr. Carter always manages to find an event to attend after the first performance in each new location. He hardly invites any of us, but you never know. Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to be given the satisfaction of going with him.” Ethan giggled a bit, noticing the sarcasm littered in his partner’s voice. It was obvious to him now that Mark didn’t like Mr. Carter very much. “I would let you borrow one of mine, if you didn’t…but something leads me to believe that nothing I currently wear could fit you, considering the old costumes I gave you when I was younger miraculously fit you well.” Ethan smiled, nodding his head in understanding.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I’ve got a suit. It’s cheap, you know? Nothing really expensive or worth showing off, but it looks just like the others. I wore it on the first day here, since I wanted to impress Mr. Carter. I mean, not like I would have left the house in anything other than a suit; I wouldn’t want to look foolish.” The young man paused. “I would open my suitcase and show you myself, but I’d rather not have to sit on it again, although I’m surely capable.” Mark chuckled softly, giving a playful roll of his eyes before he gestured his head to the entrance. Ethan smiled, gripping his suitcase and about to head over, until he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over his shoulder, looking attentively at a folded piece of paper that rested on the table. It was the letter Mark’s mother had written…the one that the older man seemed to be reading frequently constantly, almost as if he was searching for an answer between the lines. The young man gave a small sigh.

“Do you wanna bring your contract with you?” Ethan questioned, gesturing his head to the folded up letter on the table. Mark followed his gaze, his eyes softening at the sight of the letter. It was as if. He had forgotten to pack it. “I just know how fond you are of…the _nostalgia_ when you reread it, and all; surely it’s worth bringing with you if you find yourself looking at it so often.” Mark glanced at Ethan, biting his lip hesitantly. The young man gave him a sympathetic look. Whether or not Mark knew Ethan knew what it was was unapparent as the older man walked over to the folded letter, holding it firmly in his grasp. Ethan watched him attentively. “Mark…” he breathed out softly, biting his lip. God, he just wanted to tell him. “If you don’t want to bring the contract, you don’t-”

“I think we both know well enough it’s not a contract,” Mark replied simply, glancing back at the young man. The brunette held his breath for a few seconds before admiringly nodding his head that he knew it wasn’t a contract. “Believe me, Ethan…I know that you know what it is.” The older man sighed as he slowly unfolded the letter, his eyes softening at the sight of his mother’s handwriting, despite the contents and their malicious undertone. “I don’t even know why I kept this,” he admitted, his voice caught in his throat, weakly smiling down at the piece of paper. Ethan watched him sympathetically, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Mr. Taylor gave it to me when I came of age, and he told me ‘from one man to another’ that he wanted me to know the true reason why I was there. And, the stupidest thing was, despite how much I _should_ have known better…I really thought my parents were trying to help me when they gave me up. Give me a better life, or something…you know?” Mark sighed, giving a watery smile as he looked down at the paper. “I should have known better…the fact that I got my heartbroken over something I knew well enough was the case is pathetic.”

“It’s not pathetic,” Ethan whispered reassuringly, not yet walking over to his partner as he stood where he was. “I still cry over my parents all the time, Mark. I think about them constantly. I think about everything I miss about them, and how I know well enough I’ll never get them back. It’s okay to think about them…it doesn’t make you weak to want something that every person values.”

“That’s different,” Mark mentioned. “Your parents loved you.” Ethan’s smile faded a bit, although he continued giving his lover the same sympathetic look as before, filled with reassurance and affection as he watched him attentively. “You have the right to cry because at least you’re crying over something of importance. I hardly have anything to cry over. They didn’t give me anything, and I’m not just talking about material things.” The older man sighed, his eyes scanning over the letter again. “The fact that I look at this with such wonder is _pathetic_. I reread this _over_ and _over_ because I think I’ll be able to find an answer that will satisfy me more than the one I was already given. I _truly_ think that if I just look a little closer, maybe the ‘truth’ will be unraveled, even though I already _know_ the truth. They gave me up for selfish reasons, and they had no intention of trying to search for me afterward. It says it right there in ink…but, despite everything, I’m not satisfied with that answer. I’ve never been satisfied with the answer I was given, which is why I keep this stupid letter around. Almost as if I believe that _one day_ , an answer I like will be written between the lines. Something about how my parents really _did_ love me, and how they gave me up selflessly because they couldn’t take care of me themselves…not because they _didn’t love me_.” The older man let out a sigh of frustration.

“Then stop looking at it,” Ethan whispered simply. Mark looked up at him. “Don’t give her the satisfaction. Don’t stay up all night looking at something that’s never going to change.” The older man gave a half-smile as he gazed at his lover affectionately. “For _so long_ I doubted everything about the death of my parents, and I was just _in denial_. All I could think about was what I would do if I was able to turn back the clocks and help them…but you can’t think about that. You can’t think about what you could have done, or what _anyone_ could have done. You can only think about what you can _do_ with the information you have…” the young man’s voice trailed off. Mark returned his attention down to the letter. The young man watched as his lover rested his finger at the top center of the folded page, letting out a small breath before he tore it in two. Ethan gave a watery smile as he watched his partner rip it again before letting go of the small pieces, watching them whisk to the ground slowly. “There…” the older man breathed out,

Ethan smiled a bit, reaching for his suitcase again before he walked over to Mark, standing next to him. He leaned up slightly, pressing a gentle kiss against his lover’s cheek. “You’re the bravest man I’ve ever met, Mark,” Ethan whispered truthfully, his voice filled with wonder and affection as he leaned on his partner. “You don’t need to carry a letter around trying to find your worth…I know what you’re worth…and you mean _so much_ to me.” He gave a half-grin at his lover, who smiled back at him gently. “Now for fuck’s sake,”the young man giggled, “we _need_ to get going.” The older man smiled, pressing a soft kiss against his lover’s forehead. 

“You’re wonderful, Mr. Nestor,” Mark whispered softly, gently stroking his lover’s hair as he gazed down at him affectionately, a sincere twinkle in his eye as he did. Ethan smiled up at him shyly, his cheeks flushing red in a sheepish sort of way. “I know I say it often, and I know you already know how I feel about you…but I am _truly_ and _completely_ in love with every bit of you. Your eyes…your smile…the way you look at me so lovingly despite how I first treated you…the way you kiss me so willingly and so desperately, almost as if you _need_ me. I love the way you let me hold you, and how you let me seemingly obsess over you. I’ve _never_ been so attracted to someone in my entire life, treasure. I am attracted to _every_ part of you. How you ramble on mindlessly…how you get so flustered if I just _look_ at you a certain way; you’re adorable.” Ethan blushed a bit, only proving his lover’s point as he gazed at him shyly. “I could go on forever, treasure…if it weren’t for the fact that you’re very correct. We should get going.” The young man nodded in understanding before he gently leaned on his partner, letting out a content sigh.

“I love you…” Ethan whispered softly, glancing up at Mark gently, a small smile creeping across his face as he returned a loving gaze.

“I love you too, treasure,” Mark cooed in return. The older man leaned down gently, his lips grazing his partner’s. Ethan rested a gentle hand on Mark’s chest, giving him a playful shove. “You’re right,” the man insisted, smiling a bit. “We gotta get going.” The older man gave him a smile before he turned on his heels, heading toward the exit of the tent. Ethan grinned happily, following after him contently. Before the older man left the tent, Ethan leaned on him again, pressing a gentle kiss against his cheek.

“Just because I won’t be able to do it until we get on the train…” Ethan reminded his lover gently. Mark chuckled softly. “And I know that might only be less than an hour, but _fuck_ I can hardly keep my hands off of you.” The young man pressed another kiss against his lover's cheek for good measure, giving a content sigh. “Alright, I’m fine now.” Mark laughed happily, shaking his head playfully before he gave Ethan’s hand a quick squeeze. He held it in his for a few seconds before letting go, leading his lover outside. The young brunette grinned happily as he stepped out onto the grass, his suitcase firm in his hand as he glanced around. He noticed other ensemble members assembling outside their tents, each one of them holding a suitcase, most of them identical to each other. Ethan smiled softly. He hadn’t quite seen the entire ensemble gathered together since the first day he had joined, back at the train station. The young brunette could still remember how everyone had looked at him with such curiosity when he had originally stood among them, not completely knowing what he was doing, and obviously new with the crowd. However, over the past two months, he had managed to become close with a few of them…some closer than others. Ethan had become somewhat good friends with Sean, which was always nice. He only hoped that the Irish man would be able to trust himself enough for the performance, considering how he never seemed to believe that he talented in any form.

“We should gather by the station,” Mark announced, all of the ensemble members looking at him. They glanced at each other before hesitantly, although it seemed to be reluctant, giving a nod of their head. Ethan smiled a bit as he gave a dramatic nod of his head for his lover, noticing how the older man simply chuckled softly from his reaction. “Stop being so adorable,” his partner continued teasingly, his voice low so no one could hear.

“Yes, _sir_ ,” Ethan replied simply, grinning as he gestured his head for Mark to start walking. “You know this place better than anyone, Mr. Fischbach. Lead the way.” The older man smiled before he started walking, the young brunette trailing behind him as he did before reluctantly walking beside him. “Too bad the train-ride is so short…and we aren’t leaving later in the day,” Ethan mentioned, humming softly. “I would love to watch the stars with you again…the trees blowing past us and the wind whispering in our ears; and you talking so _passionately_ of the stars and how you’d love to find your destiny in them.” The young man chuckled softly. “And then I can draw away from the boxcar door after insisting that you’ll push me out if I stand there another second.” Mark grinned, glancing down at his lover. “I couldn’t help myself Mark; you were awful scary when I first met you.”

“Scary?” Mark chuckled.

“ _Scary_ ,” Ethan repeated, humming softly. “The only thing you told me was to not speak to you unless you asked me a question, and to listen to what you said, and to not bother you for the train-ride. Of course, I didn’t do _any_ of what you told me, because I’m not quite good with following rules.” The young brunette giggled sheepishly. “But you would snap and me and just get so upset so _easily_ …and I found it almost impossible how some part of me wanted to get you to be impressed by something I did; nothing I did was impressive, of course, because I only seemed to find myself replicating whatever _you_ did…but I attempted nevertheless. And, even on that short train ride, you managed to let down your walls just a little; barely, but enough for me to see _you_. The real you. And the _real you_ was the one I was trying so _desperately_ to impress, despite the circumstances and how much I thought you hated me.” Mark gave a half-smile as he listened to the young brunette. “Did you hate me?”

“I didn’t hate _you_ ,” Mark admitted after a few seconds, shrugging his shoulders. “I just hated the _idea of you_.” Ethan cocked an eyebrow slightly, looking at his lover questioningly. “Well, you see, Ethan…I was promised that I would have to work with another partner again. Of course, I should have known well enough not to trust Mr. Carter what it came to promises, but I hadn’t expected it to be broken so soon. And, after the _bullshit_ I had dealt with prior to you, I just couldn’t bear the thought of having to relive everything. I thought I was going to relive the frustrated sobs whenever you couldn’t land the stunt, or the groans of annoyance whenever I told you to do something that you didn’t want to do…” his voice trailed off thoughtfully as he gave a half-smile. “But you were like that when we started practicing. You were so willing to do everything I said… _although_ we both knew well enough you would have rather been on the trapeze the first day. And when you didn’t land the stunt the first time, which would have been impossible considering your lack of skill on the first day, you didn’t complain. You just climbed back up the ladder and tried again, which was something that so many of my previous partners had lacked.” Mark thought for a few more seconds.

“And when I held your hands up on the trapeze…I just felt this electricity pulsing through my veins that I had never felt with another partner before,” he continued reluctantly, his voice hesitant, almost as if speaking was a sin itself. “And when you looked up at me, I felt breathless. My heart would start racing whenever I was near you…” his voice trailed off as he glanced at Ethan again, the young brunette listening to his lover contently. “And when I kissed you that night…” Mark continued in a whisper, his voice airy as he spoke, “everything just felt so _right_.” Ethan’s cheeks flushed rose with embarrassment as he looked away shyly, hardly above to look his lover in the eyes when he was speaking like that. “Look at me when I’m talking to you, Ethan,” Mark continued lowly.

Ethan looked back at him.

“Falling in love with you has been the best part of the traveling circus,” the older man continued, his voice sincere. “Getting to sleep beside you throughout the night…and getting to hold you so close in my arms that we nearly become one; getting to kiss you practically whenever I want because you’re mine and because I’ve never been with someone I admire as much as I admire you…” he thought for a few seconds. “I’ve never been _in love_ with someone before you, Ethan. I’ve never gotten to experience that feeling…but being able to do every bit of it with you just made it feel so familiar; I honestly don’t know how I lived without that wonderful fluttering in my heart. I don’t know how I lived without having someone to wake up to in the morning with a smile…” Ethan blushed.

“God, why do you have to be so affectionate when I can’t even _kiss you_ in return,” The young brunette whispered in return, his voice almost in a childlike whine. “I’m starting to think you do it on purpose.”

“I’m starting to think you might be right,” Mark joked in return.

∞§—————§∞

“Alright,” Mr. Carter announced, clearing his throat as his eyes glanced over each member of the ensemble. They were all gathered together near the station, each of them holding their suitcase eagerly as they waited to be divided into their boxcars. “Now, you’ve been assigned the same colors as last time. If you don’t have a good memory, just follow after someone who does.” Ethan leaned on Mark slightly. Not enough for it to be noticeable in more than a friendly manner, but enough to get closer to him. “When we get there, I expect everything to be all-hands-on-deck. Our first performance is tomorrow, and it’s got to be a show stopper considering how much advertisement has been done for this to work… _especially_ considering we had to take two months to train the newest addition of our ensemble.” Ethan gave an awkward smile, not sure if he was supposed to feel embarrassed or flattered by Mr. Carter’s comment. Nevertheless, the young brunette didn’t say anything.

“There will most certainly be a larger crowd than usual, I can only hope, since we’ve advertised our latest addition of the flying trapeze act,” Mr. Carter continued hopefully, gesturing his head to Ethan once more. “Now, whether or not people decide to read the center of the newspaper, where our advertisement can be found…that’s beyond me. But I can assure you that there _will_ be people willing to watch the show, and as long as you wow them the first night, you can do the same for the rest. We’ll be doing seven performances there before we get back on the train. Enjoy yourselves, enjoy the performances, and don’t fuck this up.” Ethan glanced at Mark sheepishly, noticing how the older man was seemingly holding his breath before he reluctantly let out a heavy sigh. “Mr. Fischbach and Mr. Nestor,” Mr. Carter continued. “Have you selected which acrobats you’ll be using to assist you on the trapeze?” Ethan froze. He hadn’t exactly discussed that with his partner.

“Ethan will be working with Jack,” Mark responded quickly, not even missing a beat as he spoke up for the younger man. “I’ll be working with Natalie Marie.” Mr. Carter gave a simple nod of his head, almost as if he was silently making note of it.

“Alright, Jack and Natalie Marie,” Mr. Carter hummed, pointing out the two acrobats from the ensemble. “Instead of leaving the center, you’ll go up the ladder to the platform with your designated partner, which is where you’re expected to lean out and grab the swing for the trapeze artists. Refrain from speaking to them, refrain from touching the chalk, and _please_ refrain from distracting them. They’ve got the cheering of the crowd distracting them already; they shouldn’t be belittled and patronized with your questions.” Sean and Natalie Marie nodded hesitantly. “Both of you have worked with the swings of a flying trapeze before, yes? Assisting the artists?” They both nodded again, this time more sure of themselves. “And remember, remain completely still when you’re on the platforms. The attention of the audience is supposed to be focused on the trapeze artists; not one whatever either of you could possibly be doing on the platforms.” The two gave another nod, obviously frustrated with his questions. “Glad we’re clear.”

“All ensemble members are being divided into the tavern rooms by two. Nothing specific, there’s two beds big enough for two people in each. Natalie Marie, I’m sure you can share a room with a friend _and_ Louis.” Natalie gave an awkward expression from the comment. “Mark and Ethan, you’ll each have a bed in your room, unless you’d rather stay with someone else, Mark.”

“I’m quite alright about sharing with Mr. Nestor,” Mark admitted reassuringly. Mr. Carter gave a small nod, mouthing the word ‘excellent’ before he clasped his hands together, announcing for each of them to split off into their designated boxcars. Ethan followed after his partner eagerly, grinning as they walked to the boxcar. The young brunette watched shyly as Mark pulled himself up into the boxcar, tossing his suitcase into the corner that he had claimed for himself last time. After doing so, he outstretched his arms to Ethan, offering to pull him up. That would have been an offer more than appreciated if the older man had done it for him the _first_ time. Nevertheless, the young brunette reached for his hands, giggling a bit as he felt himself being tugged into the boxcar. Ethan stumbled forward, finding his balance before he too tossed his suitcase into his ‘designated’ corner, grinning happily before he sat down on the floor of the boxcar. 

“Can I kiss you now?” Ethan asked softly, a pleading undertone in his voice as he shifted closer to his lover. The older man shook his head simply, a small, and so goddamn _teasing_ , a smile creeping on his face as he gazed back at the younger man. “Mark…” the younger man whined, desperation in his voice as he found himself crawling over to his lover, who had been sitting across from him on the floor of the boxcar. “ _Please_.”

“When the boxcar starts moving,” Mark replied simply. “You don’t know who could come walking around the corner to ask us if we’re situated, or if I’m not going to _murder_ you before we get there.” He gave a half-grin, but Ethan wasn’t in the mood for jokes. “Treasure, at least _smile_ ,” the older man mentioned, patting his lover’s cheek gently before he leaned back on the palms of his hands, gazing out of the boxcar intently. “ _Pretend_ that you’re delighted to be in my presence.” The young man couldn’t help but giggle as he shifted closer to his partner, his heart fluttering in his chest as he listened to Mark speak. “Because, soon enough, I think we’ll both get what we want…you just have to wait another day is all. You can do that, can’t you, treasure?” Ethan bit his lower lip.

“Do I have a choice?” He questioned.

“Hardly,” Mark replied teasingly, receiving nothing but a soft, _desperate_ whine in return. “Treasure, I think we both know well enough that the boxcar floor is far too uncomfortable for the endeavors you’re insinuating, and _I_ know well enough that a man’s first time is supposed to be special.” Ethan gave a soft smile as he listened to his partner speak. “He’s supposed to feel loved…and he’s supposed to feel protected. You’re supposed to feel so vulnerable yet so protected at the same time, and you’re supposed to be able to let yourself fall apart. I want it to be comfortable for you, Ethan. I’ve spent mine away, already…I’m not going to waste yours in intolerable excursion just because you think you know what you want.” Mark shifted closer to him, stroking his hair gently. “You think you know what you want, treasure, but you don’t. You know you want to feel _loved_ …but I already love you so much. I waited for you, Ethan…you’re going to wait for me now.” 

Ethan smiled sheepishly, burying his face into the crook of Mark’s neck shyly. “God, you’re adorable…” he whispered.

“Mark…?” The young man whispered into his neck.

“Yes, treasure?”

Ethan glanced up at him slowly. “Be gentle with me…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recently I've been getting a lot of fanfiction requests, and I'm obsessed with ALL of them. If you have a request, feel free to just comment it down below. Someone suggested a War AU, so that is currently the fic being plotted out after "Baby of Mine". All you have to do is ask, and then your wish is my command. Keep in mind, however, that I do not do one-shots, as you can already see by this fanfic. I like to take my time writing things.
> 
> Eeek, the smut is getting closer. The amount of sheer smut I have subjected myself to on this website to prepare for this ONE chapter is insane. God, I took NOTES. I have a FOLDER on my computer dedicated to research, and there's /smut/ in there. It doesn't getter funnier than that, my friends.
> 
> Thank you for your relentless support on "Fifty Feet in the Air". As always, Kudos + Comments appreciated.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	23. Memories Long Forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another chapter of "Fifty Feet in the Air"
> 
> \- Notes on two upcoming fics can be found at the bottom -

Ethan sighed contently, leaning back on the palms of his hands as his legs hung out the boxcar door. He grinned happily, feeling the wind whipping through his hair like it had when he had first ridden on the train. This was different, however. _This time_ , Mark was sitting beside Ethan and giving him a loving gaze, instead of one that was filled with annoyance, frustration, and confusion. The young man giggled happily, listening to the delightful sound of the train moving across the tracks, taking a deep breath of fresh air. As if he hadn’t gone outside in weeks. The young brunette could take in the scent of the pine boughs, despite how quickly the train moved. It reminded him of hiking with his father when he was younger, where he could rest old thoughts and gain new perspectives of the forest as he journeyed farther into it. It reminded him of climbing trees, only to fall out of them; it reminded him of bring an axe out with his father, only to watch him cut down a tree for their entrance during Christmas. The young man had always admired his father for doing that each season…and he could almost envision him doing so, the swing of the ax cracking through the wood, leaving a splintering sound to fill the snow-filled air. 

Part of him wondered if the once exciting feeling of being in the train would grow old once they continued to travel from place to place…nothing ever changing. He assumed most of the stunts stayed the same, considering they weren’t given much time to practice on average if they _were_ to stop; Ethan surely hoped it wouldn’t be the same thing over and over. The brunette wanted the experience to be exciting every day…not something that would grow tiresome and boring when he repeated everything over and over again. Of course, despite what happened, the young man remembered he would always have Mark by his side. Whether they were performing, or laughing together, or holding each other’s hand…Ethan felt content. 

Ethan loved the feeling of being in love. He appreciated the way his heart fluttered when he looked at Mark, and he adored the way the older man spoke to him gently between kisses or while they were holding each other. It was an odd emotion at first, the brunette had to admit, considering he had never felt anything like it before. Sure, Ethan had loved his parents…but the young man had grown to understand that loving your parents was a different kind of love. That was _feeling_ love. Ethan might have been feeling love for Mark, too…but he was _in love_ with him. And Mark loved him back. The young man couldn’t help but smile, reminding himself over and over again in his head that the older man loved him back; that the older man adored kissing him, and holding him, and generally being near him. That was a feeling no one had toward Ethan…at least, the young man didn’t think so. Whatever Minnie had felt for him certainly hadn’t been love, considering Ethan had never spoken to her…he didn’t like thinking about Minnie. Whenever he did, he felt a sickening churn in his stomach once he remembered how the rest of the night had unfolded.

However, part of Ethan was grateful for what happened. After the incident, he remembered how the only thing he felt was _sick_ …like he was going to throw-up. That was the night the young brunette had realized that he _loved_ Mark; the thought of having to continue on without his affection was enough to bring Ethan to tears…enough to make him fall apart in front of his lover helplessly. Everything had felt so awful…but he supposed it had been worth it. 

“Have you ever gone hiking before, Mark?” Ethan questioned curiously, glancing over his right shoulder at his lover. He had been reminded again of the scent of pine trees, and just couldn’t help but want to know what Mark thought about it. The older man hummed thoughtfully, thinking for a few seconds as he tried to remember. Ethan would have believed him if he said no. After all, he had been working with the traveling circus for so long…as a _trapeze artist_. Surely there wasn’t time in between performances to just go wherever they wanted, although Ethan would have appreciated if that was the case. Nevertheless, Mark continued thinking, as if he was tracing back his life to the very beginning, unfolding the memories in front of his lover. “You know what hiking is, don’t you, Mr. Fischbach?” The young brunette continued teasingly, a smug look on his face. “You know? It’s that thing where you go out in the wilderness and just enjoy nature for an hour or two? You get to take long walks, and you can go up steep hills just to see what’s on the other side, even if there’s hardly anything at all. You just get to be alone with a friend and the trees in front fo you…” his voice trailed off gently as he whispered in his partner’s ear, feeling Mark leaning against him slightly in return. 

“As a matter of fact, I _have_ gone hiking, Mr. Nestor,” Mark cooed in return, glancing at his partner lovingly. “So don’t even _attempt_ to patronize me. I’m practically the _master_ at hiking. The wilderness _fears me_ whenever I leave my house to go for a walk, and it doesn’t dare bother me while I’m on my adventures.” The young man smiled, rolling his eyes playfully as he listened to his lover, although he couldn’t help but giggle. “Don’t believe me?” Mark questioned dramatically, giving a mock look of surprise, as if Ethan had practically _betrayed him_ by laughing. Ethan giggled again, despite himself, as he leaned on his lover contently. “Mr. Nestor, I’m starting to notice that you have a lack of faith in my ability to insist that I’m simply the _best_ at everyone. Juggling…hiking…leaning out of a boxcar without falling.” He grinned at the last statement, a teasing flicker in his eye as he glanced to his partner again. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Sure thing,” Ethan replied simply, although he made sure to roll his eyes afterward. “Mr. Fischbach…” he mentioned softly. “Do you think we’ll be there soon?” He smiled softly.

“I would say so,” Mark replied, glancing at his partner sincerely before he gave a half-smile. “God, you’re going to love all of it, Ethan. The limelights…the tent…the trapeze. We’ll most likely be practicing for the rest of the day, so there’s going to be a net on it when we get there. Pretend there’s no net. Pretend that if you truly fall from that height, you know that you’ll die. If you don’t, you become accustomed to the feeling of the net against your back, so much so that you’ll nearly forget it isn’t there during a true performance.” Ethan nodded in understanding. “But, again…you’re going to love absolutely everything. And I know how you already are about becoming _famous_ …you’re going to love the audience. Mr. Carter knows damn well that every seat there will be filled; every ticket will be purchased, and every person in that audience is going to marvel over how amazing you are. They’re going to be filled with excitement as they sit at the edge of their seats, their heart thumping in their chest…not even blinking just so they won’t have to take their eyes off of _you_ flying through the air. And the sound of thundering applause when you finally finish your routine…your own heart racing so fast you fear it’ll beat out of your chest…it makes every risky moment of the performance _so_ very worth it. Believe me, Mr. Nestor. Everyone will remember you after that night… _everyone_ will want to come back just so they can see you perform again, and I think we both know that well enough.’

“You really think so?” Ethan asked sheepishly, his voice soft as he glanced to his partner lovingly. “I mean… _I’d_ like to think so…” his voice trailing off again as he leaned his head gently on his lover’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t say I’m _that_ talented though…not as much as you’d like to think I am, at least. Thank you, though…it’s nice to know that there’s someone else in the world who doesn’t think that what I want to do with my life kid stupid. That’s all they ever seemed to say, you know? I would look down at the newspaper and mention to someone how I would have my name on the front page someday after making it big…they would just laugh like I was crazy and give me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, or something; almost as if they felt _sorry_ for me. I’ll show them, you know?” Mark smiled proudly, giving another nod as he stroked his lover’s hair gently. Ethan smiled, his cheek still pressed against the older man’s shoulder as he looked off into the distance, watching the trees seemingly fly by as the train continued traveling to their destination. 

After a few seconds, Ethan shifted, crawling onto his partner’s lap and straddling him carefully. Mark leaned back slightly, shifting so that his legs were no longer hanging over the edge of the train, since he didn’t want his partner to fall. The young brunette giggled softly, feeling Mark gingerly move his left hand over his back, holding him close while he leaned back on his right palm to keep himself steady. Ethan smiled softly, his lips grazing his partner’s. “We’re almost there…” Ethan reminded his partner, just as the older man had informed him previously. “I would hate to have to wait until tonight just to get the chance to kiss you again…and I think we both know well enough, Mr. Fischbach, that we can’t exactly do that in public.” Mark chuckled softly, looking up at his lover with an affectionate gaze. The younger man rested his hand lightly on his partner’s chest, feeling his soft and steady heartbeat against his palm as he leaned down, their lips colliding gently. The young brunette sighed contently against his lips. He craved this feeling more than anything in the world…the sensation of their lips moving together as Mark held him close. An irreplaceable feeling, really.

“You’re so needy, you know that?” Mark breathed out against his lips, although he kissed him just the same; hungrily and desperately. Ethan simply let out a soft noise against his lips, in between a whine and a hum, keeping his hand pressed firmly on his lover’s chest. God, the young man wouldn’t mind even _dying_ to this feeling. It was so sinful…yet so heavenly to feel Mark’s hands traveling up and down his back. Nevertheless, the young man let out a soft ‘mhm’ against his partner’s lips, smiling softly before he continued kissing him. “You’re going to be the death of me…” he breathed out again, but he didn’t stop. Ethan smiled a bit, pushing forward again, Mark having to find his balance as he held himself up. “God’s _sake_ , treasure…” he whispered softly, smiling against Ethan’s lips. The brunette could sense the happiness of his partner as he kissed him. Ethan didn’t mind being needy; he didn’t mind wanted to constantly kiss the older man, because he knew well enough that was what made him happy. Even if they weren’t kissing…even if Mark was just leaning slightly on Ethan, or just looking into his eyes, then the young brunette was content.

“Mm, I know,” Ethan whispered in return, leaning forward as Mark moved back, propping himself on his elbows. The younger man pulled away gently, sitting up. He blushed sheepishly, still straddling the older man’s hips as he gazed down at him lovingly. “God, I love you…” Ethan breathed out gently, leaning down and pressing their lips together again. God, the only thing on the young brunette’s mind was kissing his partner until his lips were swollen and his lungs were deprived of air. That’s all he could think about. That’s all he _wanted_. How the older man managed to get Ethan so worked up was beyond him, especially considering how Mark made no purposeful attempts of doing so. However, it seemed as if Mark doing absolutely _anything_ was enough for Ethan to fall in love all over again, going head-over-heels just by a mere glance. It was a wonderful feeling, really…being able to look at someone and feel such undeniable affection toward them. Love really was a wonderful thing, Ethan supposed. It was the thing that made your heart flutter and your stomach churn…it was the feeling that made your face go flush and the air almost get knocked from your lungs…Ethan found himself forgetting how to breathe around his partner from time to time. And not just when they were kissing…when Mark wrapped his arms around Ethan, the young brunette’s breath would often hitch in his throat, just from the mere touch which he would soon find himself melting into.

“I love you more…” Mark whispered against his lips, resting his hands on Ethan’s lower back as he continued to kiss him lovingly. Ethan could hardly imagine how uncomfortable it was for the older man to be laying on the floor of the boxcar… _with_ Ethan on top of him, but the young brunette didn't dare question it. He knew if he said anything, Mark would teasingly complain about how his back hurt, and how Ethan was completely _right_ about the floor making his spine stiff. So, Ethan kept his mouth shut, kissing instead of speaking. More efficient. “I love every _inch_ of you…” his voice trailed off, the younger brunette giggling shyly against his lips. The young man was truly content. He loved this feeling…God, he wished he could feel Mark’s lips against his constantly. Of course, that wasn’t the case. Ethan knew well enough that homosexuals weren’t exactly appreciated in society, and they could easily be turned into. the authorities…so they _couldn’t_. What they could do, however, was be close to each other as much as they could, their hearts beating together in a single loving motion. Ethan melted into the touch of the older man, breathing softly and rapidly against his lips. “I am absolutely _wild_ for you…”

“God, you have absolutely no idea what you do to me, do you?” Ethan whispered, pulling away gently. He pecked Mark’s lips gently again before he rolled off of him, giggling softly as he lay on the boxcar floor beside him. “Wow, this _is_ uncomfortable,” he mentioned, giving a smug smile as he glanced at his lover. The older man rolled his eyes playfully in return, giving Ethan a small shove. “I’ve not the. one who suggested you lay on your _back_ ,” Ethan continued jokingly, scooting over to Mark again before curling up against his side, kissing his lover’s shoulder gently. “I love you…” he whispered again, even though he had already said it not even five minutes ago. “I love every bit of you…and I adore how you love me just the same, despite the series of flaws that come with me.” Mark gazed back at him with a look of sympathy and affection. “You love me when I’m sobbing like a child…when I get frustrated…when I make mistakes…and when I won't stop talking. You hold me just the same through all of it, and the way you see me never falters, despite how it almost should. Nothing I seem to do makes you change the way you appreciate me…and I love you _so much_ for that. My entire life, _everyone_ has tried _so hard_ to get me to stop being the way that I am; to get me to stop talking, or asking questions, or having dreams, or _crying_. You don’t care about any of that. You love me as I am.”

“I love you as you are because there’s nothing unlovable about you…” Mark reassured his lover softly, his voice sincere and soft as he spoke to him gently. “There’s not a _single_ imperfection that I can think of. The fact that you talk endlessly about what you adore…and the fact that you look to me for comfort…God, you’re _adorable_. You do know that right?” Ethan shook his head gingerly. “Well, you know now,” Mark insisted, his voice just as serious as before. “And I’m never going to let you forget how amazing you are, or how much you mean to me. I don't care if I have to tell you every day…I don’t care if I have to tell you every hour. You’re worth so much more than you think you’re worth, Ethan. You're worth more than the stars…I don’t _need_ the stars to tell me my destiny; I’m destined to be with _you_. It may sound like a platitude…but it’s true.” Ethan pressed his cheek gently against Mark’s shoulder as the two of them lay next to each other. “My treasure…” he continued in a soft whisper. 

“All yours…” Ethan cooed in return, closing his eyes contently as he shifted closer to his lover. He felt the older man wrap an arm around his shoulder, holding him close. The young man giggled softly, resting his hand gently on Mark’s chest, pressing a small kiss against his neck. It was the little moments like these, when they were alone together, where Ethan felt most content. Just the fragments in time where Ethan didn’t have a care in the world, and all he needed to think about was the lovely feeling of Mark’s arms wrapped around him. It was breathtaking, really. “Only yours…” a small smile crept over his face as he let out a soft giggle. Ethan pressed another gentle kiss against his partner’s neck, feeling the older man melting into his touch. “Mm, don’t expect much more,” the younger man whispered teasingly, curling up against Mark. His partner simply chuckled, pecking his lover’s forehead gently before he playfully ruffled his hair.

“Of course not,” Mark replied gently in return. Ethan hummed softly.

“Unless you _want_ me to kiss you again,” the young man continued softly, his voice trailing off thoughtfully as he glanced up at his lover sheepishly. “In which case, I wouldn’t have a problem…” The older man looked down at him, rolling his eyes playfully. “I can’t help myself,” Ethan whined. “We’re gonna be getting off the train soon, and then we won’t be able to hold each other until night…and you said we would be practicing all _day_ tomorrow morning and afternoon, and then we would have the performance. I won’t get to even lay a finger on you until it’s night…I can’t _wait that long_ , Mark.”

“You are the neediest thing, you know that?” Mark whispered, turning onto his right side and propping himself up with his elbow. Ethan looked at him pleadingly. “You _can’t_ be serious, treasure,” the older man joked.

“I’ve never been more serious in my life.”

“Ethan,” Mark said simply, sitting up slightly as he looked down at the young man. “You understand how much I adore you, don’t you?” The young brunette thought for a few seconds before hesitantly nodding. “But you also understand that _sometimes_ I find it humorous to _not_ give you what you want. Not because I don’t like you, treasure, but because it gets riled up. You understand, correct?”

“Mark,” Ethan whined.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Mark replied simply. The younger man gave a soft huff. “Treasure, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” the older man repeated, laying back down beside his lover, feeling Ethan press his cheek against his shoulder. “You’re just pretty when you’re flustered is all.” Ethan couldn’t help but smile a bit, despite trying to stifle it. “Now, I’m _sure_ you can wait until tonight for me to hold you, and I’m almost _certain_ you can wait until tomorrow night to celebrate the first performance. Isn’t that right, darling?” Ethan nodded slowly, hesitant for a few seconds before he became sure of himself. “Perfect,” Mark whispered, pressing a gentle kiss against the younger man’s temple. The two of them lay next to each other contently, Ethan practically leaning on top of his lover in attempts to be as close as he could to him, all while Mark playfully rolled his eyes and occasionally commented that the younger man would suffocate him if he managed to get closer. Of course, it couldn’t last forever, and Ethan let out a soft whine when he felt the train rolling to a stop underneath them. The brunette slowly picked himself up off of Mark, having enjoyed the feeling while it lasted as he pulled himself to his feet. The young man arched his back slightly, listening to his spine crack and un-stiffen as he twisted. 

“We’re here,” Mark whispered softly, almost as if his partner had to be reminded, despite how it was obvious the train had stopped moving. Ethan nodded slowly, leaning on his lover gently. “Ethan,” the older man reminded him softly. “You know how this works. When we get off the train, you’re my somewhat close friend who I’ve learned to manage with over the past two months, who has no intention of wanting to get remotely close to you. When we get off the train, you treat me like you would treat Jack. You wouldn’t lean on Jack constantly, or kiss him on the cheek, or give him loving whispers. We’ve got to make this work, Mr. Nestor. We’re going to be in a real town this time around, where there will be _other_ people…most of them less oblivious to the things happening around them than the ensemble. They surely know what a loving glance looks like, or a tender grab of my forearm. Do you understand that, treasure?” Ethan sucked in a small breath before slowly nodding his head, although he wished it didn’t have to be the case. “We can be closer when we get to the tent, Ethan. It’s off a bit in the fields, not near the town. No one will be there until tomorrow night. Of course, we’ll be staying in the inn of the town…but we’ll have our own room.” Ethan nodded sheepishly, feeling slightly better about the once off-putting situation. Mark let out a soft sigh, gesturing his head to the open door of the boxcar. “You ready?” He questioned. Ethan nodded.

Ethan and Mark both grabbed their respected suitcase, giving each other once last loving glance of affection before they walked to the edge of the train, hopping down onto the platform below. The younger man stumbled to find his balance, eventually shaking his legs out before he glanced over his shoulder back at Mark, who was attempting to stifle his laughter. Ethan turned back to the town, his eyes widening slightly. He hadn’t seen a town in over two months. The brunette had become so accustomed to the tents in the open fields where they practiced, with the edge of the woodland that would ultimately slope down into a ditch of brambles. All Ethan could think about was that field, with the patches of tall grass that would wing through the center near Mr. Carter’s tent, or the hedges of hawthorn near the trees. Despite every day being almost identical to the last…it had seemed to be more peaceful than the town in front of him. Brick structures dotted down the cobblestone and gravel roads, trees zigzagging the corners of unpolished homes. It reminded Ethan of his home…the one he had grown up in.

Ethan’s childhood home hadn’t exactly been grand, but the young man had loved it nevertheless. He could still remember the mahogany bricks that the house had been constructed with, each stone fading into a hickory shade at the bottom as each day went on. He could remember porcelain shaded pillars in the front of the house, which had eventually aged away to alabaster. Ethan could fondly recall holding onto the pillars tightly as he twirled around them with excitement until his heart started spinning and his stomach grew a sickening feeling. Ethan could remember the walnut and cedar door set of double doors in the front, the same porcelain wood outlining it and being filled with intricate engravings, such as a series of vines that had seemingly climbed up the wood, intermingling with the swirls and patterns the young man had long forgotten, although he knew well enough they were there. He recollected the dark juniper shudders that would fly open on a windy day, or the ones that his mother would open from her bedroom when she wanted to catch the scent of fresh air. The graphite colored tiled had lined the roof, and the young man could still recall his father swearing like a sailor each time one fell from where it had been nailed in place, which only happened about once a year when the wind finally picked up or a storm blew through the town.

Ethan could remember the trimmed front yawn he would play in, waving happily at the neighbors who would stroll by. He had even known a few of their names…not that he could remember them currently. But he once had been able to…and he remembered being called in for supper by his mother as he played in the grass, picking up sticks and pretending he was a knight, just like from the storybooks his mother would read to him before bed. Ethan was flooded with a series of memories that unfolded before him, washing over him like a wave. He remembered the mahogany chair in the living room…the one by the fireplace where his father would sit, a newspaper in his hand, and the end of his pipe hanging loosely from between his lips as he puffed away contently. He remembered his mother’s rocking chair…the one she had been so devastated to sell when she attempted to continue buying medicine that would supposedly treat the tuberculosis. That rocking chair was where she knit…large piles of yarn stacked beside her as she held the needles in her hand, crafting whatever her heart desired. Ethan could recall the year she had gifted him with an aegean blue knit blanket, one that she insisted would go well with the rest of his room. She had been right…but Ethan had buried her with it, because he knew damn well it was colder underground than it was in his room. 

Oh, and he could remember the hallway, where he would always press his hand against the floral wallpaper as he traveled further down it. His mother had always mentioned how eventually he would peel the paper straight from the wall, but he never did. That would be near impossible. The young man could recall the decorative chairs that had been pressed against the walls…the ones he was always advised not to sit in. Not like Ethan had listened to anyone about that, though. He hummed at the mere thought, the memories flying through his head before he let out a soft sigh, redirecting his attention to the town in front of then, giving a weak, watery smile. Ethan hadn’t thought of his childhood home in so long…it had merely been one of those memories that got drained away in the back of his mind, almost as if it never existed in the first place. It was strange thinking about it…whenever he imagined his house, he always imagined his parents there, too…he always remembered it when he was around six or seven. And whenever he remembered, it was like he was recalling photographs on the mantle, reliving the same moments that had seemingly been frozen in time.

“You okay, Ethan?” Mark questioned softly. The younger man glanced at him. “You just…you look sad.”

“I’m fine,” Ethan replied softly, giving a quick nod of his head before he turned his head to watch the rest of the ensemble climbing out of the boxcars. He watched Sean spring down happily, giving a grin of pride as he grabbed his suitcase firmly in his hand. “Do we have to _walk_ all the way to the tent?” The young man questioned, his turn to ask out of curiosity as he turned to Mark. The older man gave a hum in return, nodding his head slowly.

“Mr. Carter usually spares no expense,” Mark replied lowly, his voice littered with sarcasm as he spoke illy of their boss, “but I suppose this time he forgot. No worries, though. The old bat has to walk there himself, too.” Ethan giggled softly. “It’s not far from here,” the older man continued, gesturing his head down the road ahead of them. “Just behind that hill, the one with the dirt road; that’s where the tent is put up. The folks here always complain about being able to see it from their house, so they insist on putting it somewhere out of sight; you would think they could _attempt_ to be somewhat hospitable with the impressions of the ensemble, but I suppose they think what they’re doing is fine.” Mark shrugged. “I’ve performed here twice already over the past five years. They like the circus well enough to get over themselves and _insist_ that the tent can be drawn closer next time around…they always end up changing their minds during the last second, though. This town is hardly anything special, Ethan. You haven’t seen anything yet until you travel to the towns where people actually have hundreds to their name. Where the houses are estates, and the picket fences shift to metal gates that line the property.” Ethan smiled at the thought. “Bigger paycheck, too.”

“That’s always nice,” Ethan whispered. “Although, it’s not like we have anything to spend it toward. At the end of the day, neither of us owns a house. They practically give us everything we need here. To that extent, they’re practically just handing us pieces of paper; money is seemingly worthless when you’re the circus.”

“Well, you joined when you could get paid,” Mark chuckled. “When I was sold to the circus, they didn’t give me a cent; they could get away with it too. All Mr. Taylor had to do was remind the government that he was my ‘legal guardian’ after I was placed in his hands after my parents left me, and he could get away with practically anything. I should have left earlier than I did, really. It was almost foolish of me to stay that long.” Ethan nodded in understanding, drawing in a small sigh as he glanced around. It was awfully hot out. _Uncomfortably_ hot. The kind that reminded you of a summer day, where the only thing you were allowed to do was just stand in the sun, feeling it beat down on you unapologetically as you practically begged for the clouds to roll in front of it. Sweltering, almost, and the young man knew well enough.

The attention of the two men was swept away by Mr. Carter, who spoke up and announced how the rest of the day would continue. Despite what Mark had told Ethan, the young man leaned on his lover slightly. Mark tensed up for a few seconds before relaxing into his touch.

“You’re lucky you’re adorable…” was all he whispered.

∞§—————§∞

Ethan drew the back of his hand across his face, letting out a soft sigh of exhaustion as he felt the slick sweat of his hairline now draped across his knuckles. The young man grimaced, wiping the back of his hand on his pants before he brushed a hand hesitantly through his hair. At first, the walk to the tent had started off simple. Ethan had practically bounded along happily as he walked beside his lover, each one of them with a slight bounce in their step as they conversed about how excited they were, and how they could hardly wait to stand underneath the height of the tent. This had lasted for a good few minutes, until they actually had to start walking _uphill_. Everything had gone to shit then, and that had been ten minutes ago. At least they weren’t the only ones who obviously weren’t appreciated what could almost be considered a hike. The young man glanced over, noticing Sean and Minnie walking beside each other, the young woman leaning so far on the Irish man that it appeared they would both topple over at any given moment. 

Mark, of course, had made a point of taking Ethan’s suitcase for him, holding one in each hand as the younger man thanked him repeatedly, wanting to remind his lover how appreciative he truly was. “You really don’t have to be carrying that,” Ethan insisted hesitantly, as he had countless times before. “I’m more than capable of holding what I packed. I did it for weeks on end, Mark, remember? Before I found the circus, I carried that suitcase with me everywhere. I never let it out of my sight. Surely you can trust me enough to bring it up the hill.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” Mark chuckled simply, “I would just rather that you don’t have to carry anything. Honestly, Ethan…if I were you, I wouldn’t be complaining that someone else had offered to carry your things for you. Believe me, Mr. Nestor, this option isn’t going to arise as frequently as you’d like to believe. Enjoying the little things in life while they still last, such as me being willing enough to carry your suitcase, is one of the most crucial parts of living. You have not _truly_ lived until you learn to appreciate the little things.” Ethan rolled his eyes playfully as he reached reluctantly for his suitcase, but the older man quickly swatted his hand away, a large grin on your face. “Be _appreciative_ ,” the older man reminded him.

“It’s not that I _don’t appreciate_ what you’re doing,” Ethan giggled, continuing to walk beside his lover. “It’s just that I would rather you _not_ have to carry anything, because it makes me seem like a burden. You understand what I’m saying?” Mark simply smiled, not answering his question. “Mark,” the younger man whined simply, his voice almost getting caught in his throat as he reached for the suitcase once more, but Mark drew his hand away again, taking the suitcase with him. “Now you’re just being unreasonable,” Ethan giggled. He was frustrated, yes…but not frustrated enough to hold himself from giggling as his lover continued dodging each of his desperate attempts to retrieve his suitcase, ducking and swerving like a madman. “All this for a simple _suitcase_?” Ethan scoffed playfully, cocking an eyebrow slightly as he looked at his lover.

“A simple suitcase that you seem to want so dearly,” Mark insisted. Ethan supposed he couldn’t argue with that. After a few seconds of the older man humming thoughtfully, he extended his hand to his partner. “Alright, Mr. Strongman,” he continued, offering him the suitcase. “If you’re trying to impress me by proving you can hold your suitcase, let’s see it then.” Ethan rolled his eyes playfully before reluctantly accepting his bag, drawing it close to himself with a grin. Mark kept a close eye on him as the two of them walked together.

“Mark…?” Ethan asked sheepishly after another minute, his voice soft and airy as he glanced at his partner. The older man just smiled smugly, his attention still fixed ahead of him, but he knew well enough what his lover was questioning about. Nevertheless, he hummed to acknowledge Ethan’s question. “Can you carry my suitcase for me…pleaaaase?” Mark glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, almost as if to say ‘I told you so’. “I just think that you already do such a good job at it…why not continue? You know? Not that I’m incapable of carrying a suitcase, which I’m surely not. I will remind you that I _did_ bring this thing with me everywhere…” his voice trailed off thoughtfully as he offered Mark his suitcase again. The young man’s lover hummed, almost as if he was pretending to think and ponder the options presented to him. “Please?” Ethan repeated softly. Mark gave an overdramatic sigh, smiling as he took the suitcase away from Ethan again. “I’ll make sure not to complain when you carry anything for me…that suitcase sure is heavy, considering it only has clothes in it.”

“A fair deal of clothes,” Mark mentioned. Ethan nodded in agreement.

Soon enough, the two of them had made it to the top of the hill, standing beside each other as they looked onto the field in front of them. It was wonderful, really. Ethan could notice the oblong tent in the distance, a pale pearl shade of white. It was far bigger than the tent the acrobats practiced in, that was for sure…and it towered over fifty feet high, considering there needed to be room for the trapeze structure. Ethan felt his cheeks round happily as he smiled, his eyes lighting up with pure excitement as he glanced to his partner, a familiar heartbeat filled with adrenaline inside his chest. “This is it,” he whisper-shouted, his grip tightening on his suitcase. Mark smiled softly as he stared into the distance. “This is what we’ve spent two months of our life training for…and we’re finally going to show them everything we’ve got.” The young man grinned when he felt the presence of another man standing to his right. Ethan glanced over his shoulder, smiling as Sean stood beside him.

“I’ve never performed in this town before,” the Irish brunette admitted, humming softly as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I hope the inn isn’t complete shit.” The man hummed softly, Ethan watching as Minnie wrapped an arm around Sean’s shoulder, leading him across the field. Lucky son-of-bitches. It wasn’t like Ethan could do that with his lover. Nevertheless, he smiled contently.

They had made it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, as you know, I'm currently working on "Baby of Mine". I think it's time that the plot to the book is revealed, so I'll give you a small itsy bitsy hint. Ethan works at a daycare center. That's all I will say. My lips are sealed. There are so many possibilities for what this could be.
> 
> A work that I have planned after that is a War AU that takes place before and during the Revolutionary War. Mark is a part of the Continental Army, while Ethan is a member of the British Armed Forces. A patriot vs. a redcoat. Not to mention Jackaboy, which I'll slide in there. (He'll be in "Baby of Mine" too)
> 
> I hope you guys like this chapter! Kudos + Comments appreciated.
> 
> Thank you,   
> Simply


	24. Painful Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a bit of a shorter chapter. I've been so worked up studying for finals and getting swept away with writer's block that I just had to put down what I could. It's got the same quality, just not as long. I hope you don't mind. I have no intention of breaking my writing streak, of course. Not without further warning.

Ethan sucked in a small breath as he walked beside his lover, the two of them sparing each other the occasional glance before the young man would reposition his gaze toward the tent once again. It was a magnificent sight, really. The brunette had never truly believed that he would be standing right in front of it when he had first joined the circus. All he could think about was if he had made a mistake…if trying to join something so drastically different from what he normally did was the right _choice_. Part of him believed that he wouldn’t get the hang of being on the trapeze…that the reason Mark hadn’t let him on it was that he knew well enough he wouldn’t be able to do it. The circus performances that Ethan had once imagined in his head as an acrobat weren’t exactly with him when he practiced on the ground. The things he had envisioned for himself hadn’t exactly been fading…but he knew that being an acrobat just wasn’t what he was destined to do anymore. Ethan was now destined to be a trapeze artist…he was destined to be with Mark. That was all the young man really needed to know.

Ethan watched as the tent grew bigger as they drew close. He smiled brightly, his eyes lighting up with wonder. He could hardly contain his excitement. There was a heavy beating in his heart, one filled with exhilaration. A familiar feeling swept over him…one that filled him with warmth and reminded him of days when everything had just been more simple. When everything had been _easy_. When his parents had been around…when he had lived in his childhood home. It was the little things Ethan Nestor could recall…the small fragments of his life before the circus that he had tried so hard to forget after the death of his parents. He knew well enough now that pushing them away wouldn’t make the situation any better. It was nice to remember, though…the good parts, at least. However, even when he remembered the seemingly _good_ parts of his childhood, the would-be swept down into a spiraling rabbit hole, each memory linking to another slightly worse than the first. Before he knew it, everything would always bring him back to death of his parents…no matter what he thought about.

Ethan would often find himself think about that old floral wallpaper that lined the hallways of his house. It had the soft shades of hazelwood, oyster, juniper, and olive. Leaves and withered roses would swirl around each other in intricate patterns, ones that had once seemingly mesmerized the boy if he peered at them for too long. He remembered running his hands, feeling the texture against his palm as he raced down the hall, his mother insisting he would knock over a vase if he ran too fast. Ethan never listened though. The young brunette smiled when he remembered how he had _indeed_ broken a vase, sobbing about it hysterically as his mother insisting that it was alright and that they could just buy another one. The young child had once bawled his eyes out, rambling on about how his mother had _told_ him not to run, and how he had done it anyway. Of course, Mrs. Nestor had chuckled simply, giving her son a pat on the cheek before offering him the ability to clean it up as a ‘punishment’. Ethan could recall how he accepted the task so willingly, just so he could make his mother happy. Little did the young boy know that she had never been upset with him. It was never in his mother’s nature to get upset. Not with her husband, and certainly not with her son.

However, the thoughts of trailing his hand across the wallpaper when he was a child would soon drip down, collecting into a different memory. The memory of when he stood in that house for the last time, the same suitcase held tightly in his right hand as he just stared at the wallpaper. Ethan had realized it was much older at that point, and the lower corners were starting to peel away thoughtfully throughout the years. The young man had remembered sighing as he stared at the aged wallpaper with a pained expression, his heart sinking further down into his chest by the second. He remembered gently pressing his hand against the wallpaper, letting the memories of the house seemingly flow through him as he felt at peace…even if it had just been for only a few seconds. And, for a few seconds…and Ethan could remember everything so clearly…it felt like they were there. It felt like they were standing there beside him with a hand on his shoulder and soft words of encouragement in his ear. Among the other things, Ethan remembered on that day…he recalled breaking down in the middle of the hallway, babbling about something to himself between tears. Something about how he wished he was dead…about how he wished he had gotten sick too. Something about how he didn’t want to go, but he didn’t want to stay…and somewhere in his rambling, he mentioned something about how they shouldn’t have sold the rocking chair. It was over as soon as it had started, of course, and the young brunette had been back on his feet the next second with swollen eyes and a heavy heart.

Ethan had left his childhood home that day for the last time, with no intention of returning as he carried nothing but the suitcase in his hand and what little money he had stuffed away in the pocket of his jacket. Of course, he carried the dreams of becoming an acrobat…the dreams where he could leap back across the floor in a circus, or be hoisted into the air and expected to land on the palms of someone else’s hands. That was the life he had envisioned for himself, at least. Of course, that wasn’t exactly how everything had played out. The young man had instead become a trapeze artist; not that there was anything wrong with that, of course. Ethan admired what he did, and he admired what Mark did. It just wasn’t what he was expecting.

“Hey, you sure you’re okay?” The young man heard someone ask hesitantly. Ethan glanced over his shoulder, noticing how Mark was giving him an expression of sincere concern, his eyes softening as he gazed at him. “You look awfully sad, is all. I didn’t want to mention anything…but you look like you’re about to cry.” Ethan cocked an eyebrow slightly, only now realizing that tears had begun to prickle in his eyes. The young man wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, mentioning nothing of it and blinking, acting as if he must have just gotten something stuck. “You don’t have to tell me, treasure,” Mark continued softly his voice low as he talked to his lover with affection, “but I would really prefer that you did. We have our first performance tomorrow…I can’t have you getting upset or stressing over anything that could take your attention away from the matter at hand. Any small distraction when you’re up in the air can cause you to fall, Ethan. The only thing you can be thinking about is your partner and the stunts you’re performing.” Ethan swallowed thickly, not knowing if he was supposed to answer truthfully. It was stupid anyway…it was a foolish thing to start thinking about his parents. He honestly should have known better….he should have known well enough that he would get pathetically emotional over almost nothing.

“I’m alright, Mark,” Ethan replied softly, trying to make his voice sound as convincing as possible as he smiled. “I just got a nat in my eye, or something. The hot weather attracts them, you know? Because of the sweat on your face…and then they just fly into your eye, and they get stuck and all. Do you know? I’m sure it’s happened to you before, considering you don’t just stop working during the summer. I was trying to get it out, but it got tucked underneath my eye, and-”

“Treasure,” Mark continued softly, letting out a gentle sigh as he fixed his attention ahead. “I would prefer that you don’t lie to me about these sorts of things.” Ethan glanced at his lover hesitantly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to…but if you’re going to attempt to explain yourself, I would rather you keep your lies to yourself.” The younger man swallowed thickly, not quite knowing how he was supposed to respond. How Mark was able to know that he wasn’t telling the truth was _beyond_ him, although his partner seemed to be the type of man who was good at reading people. “I do care about you, treasure…I’m not doing this because I want you to _admit_ to a suspicion. I don’t have any suspicions. All I have is _love_ for you, treasure. I won’t put that at stake because you won’t answer a question truthfully.”

“I was thinking about my parents,” the younger man admitted reluctantly, glancing away from his lover as he sucked in a deep breath. “I was thinking about how I miss them, and how I want them back. I was thinking about the house…everything in this town just reminds me of them. I can’t get them off my mind…how you managed to get your mother off your mind is beyond me. I can hardly do the same. I want to move on so _badly_. I want to be able to think about them without feeling utterly _helpless_ about how I can do nothing to bring them back…but how I could have done more. I didn’t have to pocket that money to buy a suitcase…I could have spent it on _medicine_.” The whole ordeal was just another spiraling rabbit hole that the older man didn’t feel like jumping down, where he would often find himself thinking about how he could have done something to prevent everything that had happened. How he could have worked harder to earn more money, or how he could have spent more time with them. It was an endless loop of what he _could_ have done.

“Treasure…” Mark whispered sympathetically.

“I’m alright, Mark…honest,” Ethan replied, although he wasn’t too sure about it himself. He liked to _think_ that he was alright, at least. “It happens from time to time…it’ll be like I never even thought about them in an hour or two, just you wait. It’s getting better, you know? I think about them less in my daily life…I’m not so dependent on the closure that I know well enough I won’t receive.” Mark gave a small nod. Ethan leaned on him hesitantly, resting his temple on his shoulder as they walked beside each other. “Good thing we only have the afternoon for practicing…I just want to get to end and lay on the bed with you.” The older man couldn’t help but chuckle as he glanced down at his lover. “I’m serious,” Ethan whined softly. “The train ride was _exhausting_.”

“Yes, Ethan, I’m sure the one hour train ride where I kissed you practically the entire time must have been so difficult for you,” Mark replied sardonically, his voice almost dramatic as if he himself felt pain. The younger man giggled softly, nodding his head. “Believe me, treasure, I’m sure it must have been incredibly challenging for you to go through the train ride without ripping my shirt off.”

“Mark,” Ethan hissed lowly, his voice serious. 

The older man simply chuckled, ignoring the comment before he gestured his head to the tent in front of them. Ethan tilted his head back slightly, his eyes trailing up the side of it as he marveled at how _tall_ it was. God, it was almost indescribable. He couldn’t even imagine how long it had taken to set up, and how much the fabric of the tent had cost. Of course, Mark had previously mentioned ‘spare no expense’. The young man could hardly just believe that they were really _there_. The two months they had spent together had passed by painfully slow, but in such a wonderful way. Nevertheless, Ethan stood next to his lover. “Are you going to go inside?” Mark questioned teasingly, gesturing his head to the entrance. “Or are you just going to marvel?”

“Hush,” Ethan whispered playfully. He glanced back at his lover gently before he carefully slipped inside the tent, his eyes widening with delight. It was a wonderful sight, really. The limelights had already been lit and were shining to the center of the tent, all the way at the top. In the center of the arena dusted out for them was the trapeze structure, the one that Ethan supposed the acrobats would have to workaround. Not that they couldn’t manage, of course. They most likely good. The younger man noticed the net tied underneath the fifty feet of the plummet height, but Ethan recalled how he wasn’t supposed to pay it any attention. He was supposed to pretend that the net wasn’t even there, so he would become accustomed to the feeling of performing without a net. At least, that was what Mark had reminded him of. “Wow…” the brunette breathed out softly, taking another hesitant step into the tent as his eyes attempted to look at everything at the same time. He grinned breathlessly, his heart thumping steadily in his chest as he felt his lover following through after him. Ethan could feel Mark’s eyes studying him carefully, admiring his expression of wonder as he practically stumbled through the arena, marveling at almost everything in sight. How _couldn’t_ he? Everything was just a grander version of the tent the acrobats had practiced in…but God, it was so much _bigger_.

“I’ve never seen anything _like this_ ,” Ethan choked out, a grin plastered on his face, one that he knew well enough he wouldn’t be able to wipe off for a while. “I’ve…I’ve been to circuses before, don’t get me wrong or call my bluff…but this is just so much _bigger_.” He laughed softly, an open-mouth smile as he just gazed absolutely _everywhere_. Ethan looked to the border of the arena, noticing how the seats where the audience remained had been sectioned off. He noticed the burgundy cushions on the chestnut wooden seats, and the armrests that the brunette knew well enough the buyers would be gripping as they watched the trapeze act. He looked to the arena, the same alabaster dust as before being apparent to the pair. “Have you ever seen anything _like this before_?” He exclaimed happily, his voice bursting out of him with such fiery energy as he glanced back to his partner, who simply rolled his eyes playfully. “Mark, I’ve never been more serious in my entire _life_!”

“Yes, Ethan, I’ve seen _many_ things that have been similar to this,” Mark admitted, chuckling softly as he moved past his partner, resting their suitcases down at the edge of the tent. “I’ve been a trapeze artist for over five years, surely you can remember that? I’ve seen tends far grander than this, I must admit, but I’m sure the afterparty will at least be tasteful. Or so I can imagine. This town hardly bothers to give themself a budget when it comes to setting up the tent for our performances, especially considering how rarely we visit here. You’d think they’d at least put the tent closer to the town if they were going to put so much effort into putting it up, but I suppose not everyone thinks alike.” Ethan nodded in understanding. God, he just admired the way his lover spoke. Confident…coordinated. It was enough to make the young brunette _melt_. “Wouldn’t you agree, treasure?”

Ethan smiled softly, nodding his head. “You gotta be quiet,” he reminded his lover gently, gesturing his head over to Sean and Minnie. The both of them were standing in the center of the arena, pointing out the small details of the tent-like Ethan and Mark had, although they could publicly lean on each other and laugh without anyone batting an eye. “Last time I checked, my birth-name isn’t treasure.”

Mark smiled simply. “Of course, Mr. Nestor, how could I have forgotten?” He joked. “I must have confused you for someone else. My deepest and most sincere apologies for patronizing you and belittling your name. I had no ill intention in my heart whatsoever, and surely you can understand that. I was simply attempting to give you a _nickname_ , Mr. Nestor, I’m not quite sure if you’ve heard of it before. Is it a foreign word where you come from?” Ethan rolled his eyes playfully. “You see, a nickname is something people give each other to call instead of their _birth name_. Of course, unless you would rather I refer to you as plainly Ethan, I would find no trouble in that at all.” 

“Oh, hush,” Ethan replied. “You know what I mean.” The younger man sucked in a deep breath. “We’re not supposed to be making advances on each other, whether they be verbally or physically. Not in public, at least. Remember? You said it yourself.” He pouted softly. “Believe me, I would rather be acting like they are.” He hesitantly gestured his head over to Minnie and Sean. Mark followed his gaze before he rolled his eyes.

“I suppose we can’t always get what we want, Mr. Nestor,” Mark replied. Ethan nodded a bit.

“I suppose not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so a bit of the plot to "Baby of Mine" has been revealed: Ethan works in a daycare. But what else could there be? I know what's going to happen, but I'd like to see what you guys think in the comments. Who knows, maybe I'll add something from your suggestion into the fic. After all, only the first chapter has been written.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for your constant support on this fanfic. It's absolutely insane. Also, I found out User Subscriptions are a thing, and apparently a lot of you guys are interested in my content. Thank you! Kudos + Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simple
> 
> Also, just a bonus fact:  
> My username is pronounced "Simp-lee-ah-bull" :D


	25. My Fear is a Canvas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Ethan’s performance debut. This chapter is on the longer side because I wanted to make up for the short chapter yesterday. Smut is quite literally around the corner. It is either going to be the chapter after the next, or the chapter AFTER the chapter after the next. It all depends on how much I want to include in the next chapter, because I’m not big on including two ideas at once that don’t correlate with each other in the same chapter. That could mean for a shorter chapter, though, which I don’t like.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter!

Ethan hummed softly, running a hesitant hand through his hair to straighten it. All the young man could worry about at the moment was his appearance…he knew well enough that first impressions were everything, but it wasn’t just that. The brunette wanted everyone in the audience to be looking up at him with wonder…smiles plastered on their face as they gripped their armrests and sat at the edge of their seats. Talent was everything in the business, he supposed…but Ethan knew there was so much more to the performance than that. He had to _look_ charming. Talent could charm, yes, but having the support of looks wasn’t exactly worthless. So, despite having been fixing it for almost five minutes, the young man continued the process, trying to figure out which way would be the best to wear it. Ethan supposed part of it didn’t exactly matter, considering they would be fifty let in the air…but he didn’t care. If anyone looked close enough, maybe they would be able to see…and maybe they would be able to point out if his hair didn’t look good. So he _had_ to fix it. He couldn’t help himself.

“You’ve been fixing your hair for almost seven minutes,” the young man heard someone mention. Ethan glanced over his shoulder, smiling softly when he noticed his lover standing behind him, leaning on the small table. “You haven’t even done anything _different_ with it,” Mark continued, chuckling softly as the young man turned around again, relentlessly ‘fixing’ his hair in the mirror, almost as if his life depended on it. “You’ve just been standing there aimlessly, barely knowing what to do with yourself as you constantly reposition your hair into one of three positions, switching back and forth without adding variety. If you need someone to tell you how absolutely _stunning_ you look, don’t mind me stepping up and volunteering. You look wonderful. I’ve quite frankly never seen anyone as gorgeous as you, and you don’t need to fix anything about yourself, especially something as little as how your hair looks. It’s going to get repositioned anyway once we’re in the air, so there’s no bother trying to fix it now. Believe me, I used to be as obsessed with my appearance in the business when I was your age…you learn to remember that not _everything_ is about how you look. Besides…I think you look perfect.” Ethan smiled shyly, glancing at Mark in the mirror, noticing how the older man stood watching him. Nevertheless, the young brunette swept another hand through his hair.

“I _know_ that I should be focusing on more important things,” Ethan returned, not disagreeing with his partner as he pushed a lock of hair behind his ear, trying to make himself look orderly. “But it’s not like we’ve got time to practice anything again. Everyone is going to show up soon, and you know well enough that Mr. Carter would slit our throats if he found out the audience caught us on the trapeze before the show started. He wants them to be _surprised_. The only thing we’re supposed to focus on now is how we look and how we present ourselves. Wouldn’t you agree?” Mark shrugged his shoulders in return. “Mr. Carter _always_ insists that the audience loves a show, Mark. So let’s give them a show. Let’s make ourselves look perfect…and let’s have this performance be one of the _best_ that is yet to come. Better than any other traveling circus in the world. They might not remember us for how we wore our hair, sure, but they certainly won’t complain that we didn’t look well-kept.” The older man rolled his eyes playfully, resting his hands on his hips as he listened to his lover speak. “Besides, I think I’m finished now. It just takes time to make it look perfect.”

“It looks about the same as it did when you _started_ fixing it,” Mark replied teasingly. Ethan glanced at him in the mirror, cocking an eyebrow slightly. “I’m kidding,” his partner continued, chuckling softly. “This time there are a few strands that were pushed _ever so slightly_ to the left. I’m _sure_ the audience will be able to notice those when you’re in the air, and they’ll lean over to their husband and say: ‘Charles, dear. Now, if only you did your hair like _that_. You should start pushing your hair over to the left.” The younger man couldn’t help but chuckle, although rolling his eyes playfully as he smiled at himself in the mirror, trying to see which way would look best. Mr. Carter had reminded them that despite the fact of how they would be fifty feet above the ground, with no net, they had to look excited and cheerful. They had to look as if there wasn’t a care in the world. “I swear to Christ, Ethan, if you readjust your smile for the next seven minutes, I’m going to absolutely lose it.” 

Ethan giggled softly.

“Your smile is fine as it is,” Mark mentioned thoughtfully. 

“Thank you,” Ethan replied simply, humming as his eyes traveled up and down his figure in the mirror. He had to admit, although the thought of wearing a costume in front of so many people seemed ridiculous…he was starting to admire it. It was a deep, lovely admiral shade, with intricate designs patterned in navy and cobalt. The patterns were barely noticeable, of course, but Ethan admired them nonetheless, noticing the soft swirls that traveled along the waist. He brushed his fingertips gingerly against the aegean blue feathers of the collar. The costume looked awfully expensive, the young man couldn’t help but admit it. It was something he could help but marvel at, twisting slightly at his waist to catch a quick glimpse of what it looked like from behind. Ethan grinned happily, resting his hands on his hips proudly. The young man pursed his lips together, tilting his head slightly. He liked to think he looked nice in it. It was form-fitting, of course, but it surprisingly wasn’t tight. “The costume is starting to grow on me,” Ethan mentioned back to his partner, humming softly. The young man hadn’t quite appreciated it when he first put it on, claiming the feathers were too itchy against his neck…but he had become used to them now. “I mean, it looks better on you…” he continued, smiling softly as he straightened it out, “but it’s not quite bad. You know?” The young man glanced over his shoulder, smiling when he saw Mark nodding his head, fishing through a small chest beside the table.

“What’re you doing?” Ethan questioned softly, cocking his eyebrow as he turned around to face his partner completely. The older man didn’t say anything, continuing to shift his hand through the chest. He was obviously looking for something. “You know, maybe if you just _told me_ what you were doing,” Ethan joked softly, “I would be able to help you search for it.” The older man glanced at him, rolling his eyes playfully before he redirected his attention to the small wooden chest on the table. The young brunette listened to the soft sound of glass bottles clicking together. “If that sound is alcohol, I’m not drinking any,” Ethan continued, carefully walking over to the older man. “The last thing I need to be doing before a performance is getting mindlessly drunk. Believe me, Mr. Fischbach, we’ll have time for that after our trapeze act. I can hardly imagine how much more the world would be spinning if I added whiskey to the balance.” 

“Oh, hush,” Mark returned, grinning softly as he found what he was looking for. “It’s not alcohol. I wouldn’t attempt to intoxicate you before your debut, Mr. Nestor. Do you take me for a man who would mercilessly sabotage the performance?” His voice was playful, a small smile plastered on his face as he revealed what he was looking at. Ethan looked down at the small glass container the older man held in his hand, noticing the navy, yet slightly indigo, material inside. The young man gazed at it with a curious expression, blinking thoughtfully and remaining silent, hoping that his lover would explain what it was. However, the older man didn’t say anything, placing the small container on the vanity table before he opened one of the drawers. The younger man hummed softly, leaning against the vanity table gently as he watched his partner with mere interest, wondering what he was doing.

“What’s that?” Ethan questioned, gesturing his hand to the small container.

“It’s paint,” Mark replied simply, fishing through the drawer before he revealed a small paintbrush, a thin brush at the tip. “When I was working with the previous traveling circus, Mr. Taylor insisted that we paint our faces the color of our costume. Stripes and swirls, or something we would just shade our entire face with ridiculously vibrant color. We would split our face down the middle with different shades of blue, or create intricate checkered patterns that snaked down our neck. It was a requirement. Mr. Taylor always insisted that it would _entertain_ the audience, almost as if the flying trapeze performance wasn’t exciting and death-defying enough. Of course, I suppose he was right. The acrobats would put some on their faces, too, and I just remember sitting on the stool as one of the older acrobats painted my face with flamboyant colors of almost any shade. That used to be my favorite part of the performance…getting ready. Putting paint on my face and getting into my costume…fixing my hair and painting my own patterns down my arms, just for the fun of it. I was the artist _and_ the canvas.” He grinned softly, gesturing his head to the paint on the vanity. “I haven’t quite done this in five years, but I haven’t exactly forgotten how to do it. I thought it would only be fair that I treat this performance differently than I would the others.” Ethan smiled softly. “I’m not going to put much one, since it's not required…but just enough.”

“Sounds alright with me,” the young man returned softly, giving a curt nod of his head. Mark gestured his head gently to the chair in front of the vanity. “Make me look blue,” the young man teased, grinning softly as he shifted to sit in the chair, smiling softly up at his lover. “You’re lucky blue is my favorite color,” he mentioned thoughtfully, “or else you wouldn’t be able to get that paint anywhere near me.”

“Treasure, I think we both know well enough you would be more than happy to do what I say,” Mark reminded the younger man softly, causing him to shiver slightly before relaxing in his seat. His partner chuckled softly, holding the thin paintbrush loosely between his fingers before carefully dipping it into the blue paint. “This is probably going to be cold,” he mentioned, humming softly as he glanced at his lover. “Meaning you should try your best not to squirm; I don’t want to mess this up. Paint comes off easily, sure, but when I’ve already painted something and I want to fix a mistake, I’ll have to start all over.” Ethan nodded in understanding, feeling Mark grabbing his jaw carefully to hold his head still. The younger man blushed, relaxing into his lover’s firm grasp, looking up at him sheepishly, his eyes softened as he gazed into Mark’s eyes lovingly. The older man couldn’t help but smile, chuckling softly as he drew the brush closer. Ethan couldn’t feel the bristles against his face yet, but the brush was awfully close. “Stay still,” the young man reminded him, smiling gently before he continued. Ethan smiled. He would have nodded, but that would have been stupid, considering the older man had previously told him to not move. Ethan sucked in a soft breath as he felt the cold paint against his face as the older man started drawing on his cheeks.

“Cold,” Ethan whispered softly, his eyes seemingly smiling up at Mark. The older man chuckled softly as he nodded. “Whatcha painting?” He continued softly. The young man could feel Mark planting small dots underneath his eye, but he didn’t quite know what he was doing it for.

“Just some patterns,” Mark replied softly. He continued to hold Ethan’s jaw carefully in his hand, tilting his head to the right. The older man carefully painted circles over his partner’s eyebrows, continuing as he painted a line from the bottom of Ethan’s temple to his cheek, having it curve up slightly at the end. The younger man fought to keep himself still, despite the paint being cool to the touch. “I’m gonna use a different paint color now, okay? Don’t move.” Ethan hummed in return, showing he acknowledged the statement. Mark carefully let go of the younger man’s jaw, shifting as he returned to the vanity. Ethan glanced at him lovingly, watching as the glass container of blue paint was replaced with a pearl white shade. “This will really make the blue color pop out more when you’re in the air,” Mark explained, humming softly as he searched for a different paintbrush. Ethan watched him lovingly.

“I didn’t know you were such an artist,” Ethan teased.

Mark rolled his eyes playfully as he glanced back at his lover. “I wouldn’t say knowing how to draw swirls, dots, and lines makes me an artist,” he admitted, shifting as he found a paintbrush similar to the first. “Of course, I wouldn’t argue with you, Mr. Nestor.” The young man smiled up at his partner, feeling the older man grab his jaw gently again. “Close your eyes so I don’t get this on your eyelashes,” he instructed.

“Yes, sir,” Ethan replied jokingly, closing his eyes. He could hear Mark chuckling softly, and he listened to the familiar sound of the paintbrush lightly tapping against the edge of the glass container, so Mark could get the excess paint off of the brush. “Are you gonna paint this on yourself after?” The young man questioned. He heard his lover give a soft ‘mhm’ in return, which was followed by the familiar feeling of the paintbrush sliding over his eyelid slowly, just underneath his eyebrow. The paintbrush traveled below the arch gingerly before it swirled at the edge of his eyebrow, close to his temple. Ethan hummed contently with his eyes close, feeling his lover repeating the same movement on the other side of his face. When Mark was finished near his eyes, the young man finally opened them, smiling softly up at his lover. The older man painted his forehead carefully, dotting at the edges. He glanced down at Ethan out of the corner of his eye, smiling softly as their eyes met. Mark hummed softly, dipping his paintbrush in the white paint again.

“Don’t smile,” Mark instructed. The young man nodded, keeping a straight face. The older man shifted his weight from one foot to the other, carefully painting a slit of white over the center of his partner’s lips. “There,” the man announced, taking a step back to look at his lover. Mark smiled softly at the sight of him before he gestured to the mirror of the vanity. “Take a look.” Ethan smiled softly, glancing over his left shoulder toward the mirror. His eyes widened slightly at the sight. It was so… _interesting_. It was hard to describe, in fact. A series of lines, dots, and swirls, outlining his features and adding pops of color across his face. Dots lined underneath his eyes, and swirled lines traveled across his elbows and cheekbones in a series of navy and alabaster. Ethan peered closer, noticing the smaller details of his face that had been illustrated with the fine-tip brush; details that the audience surely wouldn’t be able to see. It was obvious that the older man had put true effort into his work. “Do you like it?” Mark questioned hesitantly, resting the paintbrush down.

“I _love it_ ,” Ethan replied softly. He took a step back, humming as he admired how wonderful the face paint matched with the costume. “Everything just goes so _well_ together…I never would have thought about putting face paint on, but it makes so much sense.” He grinned, glancing at his partner lovingly. “Thank you.” The older man smiled.

“No problem,” Mark replied. He reached for the paintbrush with the bristles stained with the familiar blue shade, dipping it in the paint again. He leaned forward toward the mirror, resting his elbows on the table of the vanity to steady his head. Ethan watched him lovingly as he began carefully replicating what he had painted on his lover’s face, glancing at him in the mirror every few seconds for a reference. “You know,” Mark mentioned softly, humming in between sentences as he closed one eye, getting a better view of what he was painting. “I originally assumed that Mr. Carter wouldn’t allow us to keep this on…but I think it matches almost perfectly with our costumes. I think we’ve got a good shot at performing with paint on, treasure.” Ethan smiled softly, letting out a content sigh. This was it. They had finally made it…and still part of him could hardly believe anything in front of him. Mark glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, smiling. “I love you,” he whispered softly, his eyes gazing at him tenderly, even through the mirror. Ethan giggled softly.

“I love you too, Mark,” Ethan murmured sincerely. “And I can’t wait to be able to perform tonight with you.” The young man rested a hand on his lover’s shoulder, glancing up at them in the mirror. Mark’s eyes gazed into Ethan’s through the mirror, and Ethan’s did the same. He sighed contently, pulling away to allow his partner to continue getting ready. He would have given him a kiss on the cheek, but he wasn’t sure if the paint on his lips had dried yet…or the paint on Mark’s cheek. Instead, Ethan glanced around the small tent they were in. Behind the larger tent, where they were performing, there had been a series of tents with a similar size to the ones they had previously been sleeping in a few days ago. However, instead of cots, they were filled with a changing screen, a floor-length mirror, a vanity, and chests filled with equipment such as chalk and juggling balls. Everything just seemed entirely professional, despite how almost _unprofessional_ their job seemingly was. The young man walked over to the mirror, reaching for the navy flats that had been laid out for him and Mark. He slipped them on, humming softly. 

“All done,” Ethan announced proudly. Mark glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, putting down his paintbrush now that he was finished. The young man smiled sheepishly at the sight of his lover, his face paint identical to Ethan’s. “Wow…” the brunette breathed out, his heart fluttering in his chest. Mark always managed to look good in absolutely everything…even a series of dots and swirls.

“You’re not done yet,” Mark mentioned, gesturing his head back over to the vanity. “Mr. Carter hasn’t called us out yet, that means we still have some extra time. I don’t know about you, but I think we should paint your arms too.” Ethan giggled, rolling his eyes playfully. He knew well enough this was just an excuse for his lover to cure his boredom, but he didn’t deny him of that. Instead, he returned to the vanity, sitting down gently in the chair. “I was thinking we could do spirals down your arms…or maybe like vines, you know? I could do that part in blue, and then add small swirls and dots using white…how does that sound?” Ethan simply chuckled, giving a reluctant nod of his head as he extended his arm to Mark. 

“Only if you do it to yourself, too,” the young brunette reminded his lover.

“Way ahead of you,” Mark returned, balancing Ethan’s arm steadily as he gently held his wrist in his hand. Ethan hummed softly as he watched his lover reach for the blue paintbrush, returning the white one to its original position. He giggled softly, his arm twitching slightly from the press of the cold bristles against his skin. “Hold still, treasure,” the older man reminded him. Ethan gave a small nod, listening to his lover as he relaxed in his seat.

Ethan never wanted the moment to end. Just him and Mark, painting each other’s arms and face, smiling and laughing the entire time without any pressure. Mark giving him a small kiss once the paint had dried, and Ethan remarking how good the older man was at painting…and that he was good enough to be an artist, all while his lover insisted he was nowhere close. They stood next to each other in the mirror, admiring their work as they looked at each other in full costume, seeming as if they were ready to perform, although Ethan wasn’t too sure himself. Nevertheless, they continued speaking as if they didn’t have the trapeze act to think about, mentioning simple things from their past as Ethan continued sitting in his chair, Mark sitting on the vanity as he leaned back against the mirror, all while the young man insisted that the vanity wasn’t meant to be sat on, and that he would break it if he wasn’t careful. His partner paid him no attention, of course, simply chuckling softly as he ignored his words. Soon enough, the two of them were sitting next to each other on the floor of the tent, Ethan leaning gently on his lover’s shoulder.

“I can’t believe we finally made it here…” Ethan whispered softly, his face flushing rose with embarrassment as the older man pressed a gentle kiss against his shoulder. “I know I’ve already said. That before so many times…but everything is just so surreal. In a matter of minutes, Mr. Carter is going to call us out…and we’re going to get in our positions on the trapeze and wait for our part of the performance. We’re going to get to watch the acrobats performing from above…and the jugglers, and the animals…and _everything_. We’re going to get the absolute best view of everything…and then we’ll get to be flying through the air, and everyone’s eyes will be on _us_. Can you believe that?” Mark chuckled softly as he listened to his lover rambling on with amazement. “ _I_ can’t even believe it.” The young man paused as he leaned on his partner. “I’m so glad there weren’t any positions open for the acrobats…” he continued softly, his voice thoughtful as he spoke. “And I’m so glad that I didn’t have any money to my name, or else I wouldn’t have been so desperate as to frantically look around his office for something… _anything_ that could get me into the ensemble.” Ethan chuckled. “Little did I know I was signing up for one of the most dangerous jobs in the circus, just because I knew well enough I didn’t have the money or the means to get myself home safely.”

Mark smiled softly. “I’m so glad that you decided to pester me relentlessly with questions…” he breathed out in return. “If you had just let me boss you around constantly, always keeping your mouth shut…I don’t think we would be where we are now. You most likely would have quit before your contract was issued to you, and I would have most likely lived my entire life without knowing how wonderful it feels to be in love with someone, and have such deep affection for them.” Mark rested his hand gently on Ethan’s. “I wanna celebrate tonight…” he whispered, his voice low in his throat as he gazed at Ethan so truthfully…God, it made Ethan’s heart flutter. “I want to celebrate loving you…and how I’m always gonna love you.” His voice trailed off thoughtfully as he squeezed Ethan’s hand. “If that’s alright with you, of course,” Mark reminded the young man. The brunette found himself falling in love all over again.

“I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life,” Ethan reassured his lover, breathing softly as he sat beside him, his heart picking up speed in his chest at the thought. The young man looked at his lover. “Have you ever…?”

“Yes,” Mark replied quietly, giving Ethan’s hand another soft squeeze. The young man hadn’t quite expected another answer from his lover, although it was slightly disheartening nevertheless. However, Mark gave his hand another squeeze as he gazed at him lovingly, and the look in his eyes was enough to make the brunette melt before him. “But it wasn’t anything special…” the older man looks down at his hand before he continued. “Yours is gonna be special, treasure. I promise. And if you don’t wanna do it, we don’t have to do it. Everything will be slow…everything will be gentle. I _promise_.” Ethan gave a watery smile as he leaned on him again, feeling his lover hesitantly wrapping an arm around his waist, holding him close. 

“Can’t wait,” Ethan whispered softly, letting out a content sigh as he rested his head gently on his lover’s shoulder. He gently closed his eyes, humming softly. He could hear the sound of people from outside; not directly outside their tent, of course, but in front of the main tent as they entered to find their seats. Ethan squeezed his lover’s hand again, his heart starting to beat heavily in his chest. Part of him was frightened about their performance. They had practiced it time and time again, all without falling…but it was different once he remembered the net would no longer be there. The only thing besides Mark that would stop him from shattering was gone, and he would have to accept that fate when he was in the air. Everything would have to he perfect. His timing was crucial, and so was the way he twisted and flipped. Nothing could be messed up. Ethan hadn’t messed anything up in quite some time, but that didn’t exactly mean that the possibility was out of play. Ethan squeezed his lover’s hand gently, sucking in a small breath to attempt to calm his nerves. Mark glanced at him, giving a sympathetic smile as he shifted closer to his partner, pulling him close into his arms. Reluctantly, Ethan climbed into the older man’s lap, straddling him as he wrapped his arms around him loosely, resting his head on his shoulder.

“M’scared…” the young man whispered softly, his voice almost a whimper. He took in another breath as he felt Mark gently rubbing his back, as the older man always did when his partner was upset. “I’m scared that I’m gonna fall, and that’ll be that. Everything will be over…the performance will be ruined and I’ll be dead. I wanna get my name in the newspapers, Mark…but not like that.” Mark cooed softly in his lover’s ear, pressing a gentle kiss against his temple. “I know that we’ve both worked _so hard_ to get here and everything…but I just can’t help but be scared. I want to do this more than anything…but the thought of falling from up so high is just terrifying.”

“Treasure,” Mark whispered softly, “the first show is always the hardest. I was just the same when I performed for the first time. Your heart is racing in your chest, and the last thing you want to do is climb up fifty feet into the air, standing above the ground without a net…but you do it anyway. You climb the ladder, your palms feeling sweaty, but you chalk them up as you wait for your turn to perform. You push away the fear and you just leap onto the swing…and then everything disappears. I promise you that, treasure. You’ll hardly be afraid of anything down below when you’re in the air. You’ll only be thinking about how _wonderful_ the feeling of flipping through the air is, and you’ll learn to crave the rush of adrenaline so much that you’ll hardly remember how high up you are. You won’t think about the lack of net because you won’t remember you’re fifty feet in the air. And, if you do remember, you know well enough that you’re flying…and that I’ll be there to catch you whenever you leap toward me. I promised you, remember?” Ethan nodded sheepishly. “I will do absolutely everything I can to prevent you from falling, but you can’t be scared, treasure.”

“Okay…” Ethan breathed out, shifting on his lover’s lap. He pulled away slightly, enough so he could be gazing into his partner’s eyes. The young man smiled sheepishly, leaning forward gently and lightly pecking Mark’s lips. “I love you…” he whispered out gingerly. Mark smiled softly.

“I love you, too,” Mark whispered in return. Ethan gave him a final loving glance before he carefully crawled off of him. He got up, brushing himself off incase his costume had been wrinkled by him sitting down. “What’s the hurry, Mr. Nestor?” The older man cooed softly, shifting so that he too could pull himself to his feet, standing beside his lover before resting his hands on his hips. “Mr. Carter will come to get us when he needs us and the show is ready to start. Until then, staying in our tent is the best thing to do. Unless you would rather stand outside and do absolutely nothing, I suggest staying inside the tent. Why don’t we paint the vanity? That bastard’s old anyway, not like it’s going to be placed in a manor anytime soon. I suppose they keep it in storage until the circus rolls around, to be completely honest.” Ethan nodded, giving a small nod of his head.

“Knock knock,” Ethan heard someone announce from outside. The younger man smiled. _Sean_.

“Come in, Jack,” the young brunette replied simply, allowing himself to sit down in the cushioned chair by the vanity as he watched the Irish man poke his head inside the tent before entering. Ethan smiled at it warmly, studying Sean’s costume. It was very similar to the trapeze artists’ costume, although there weren’t any feathers around the neck. The color that had been chosen for the acrobats was a porcelain and daisy white, frost shaded designs lining the collar that spiraled down into intricate swirls on the chest of the costume. The designs on the acrobats’ costume were much more noticeable, due to the more drastic color change, but it was still respectable and not overbearing. “We were just about to start painting the vanity,” the young man continued, grinning happily as he gestured his head to the paint bottles that lay askew. “If you’d like to join us, I’m sure Mark would be more than alright. I’m sure we have more paintbrushes, too. And we could divide the vanity into thirds, and-”

“Mr. Carter sent me to retrieve you two, actually,” Sean admitted, glancing from Mark to Ethan. “He said that the show was beginning in a minute, and that you guys needed to join us for when we entered together. You two are allowed to wave to the audience for the first few seconds, but Mr. Carter told me to tell you to remain on your respected platform for the entirety of the show, until the acrobats assigned to help you climb up after their performance.” Ethan nodded in understanding. “You’re going to do great, Ethan,” Sean continued reassuringly, obviously noticing how tense the young brunette was. “There’s never been a trapeze accident before with the history of Mark being in this circus; surely tonight wouldn’t be any different. You’re going to wow the audience, just like you’ve wowed every single ensemble member who’s ever walked by either of you practicing. It’s a marvel, really, Ethan. Not anybody has that sort of talent.”

“Thank you, Jack,” Ethan replied softly. “That means a lot.”

Sean gave a small nod in return, shifting his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other as he tried to think of something else to say. “Well, I suppose you should follow me now,” he suggested, gesturing his head to the exit of the tent. “Mr. Carter said to line up outside the tent; everyone’s here now already, so there won’t be anyone outside watching us get together. That was what he was worried about and all. He didn’t want the ‘surprise’ of the ensemble to be soiled by someone staying behind.” Sean shrugged his shoulder before he slipped out of the tent. Ethan took a deep breath, glancing back at ark before he followed after him, his heart starting to pound in his chest. Soon enough, Ethan was met by the sun, which was starting to set in the distance. He knew well enough that wouldn’t make a difference, considering the tent would be lit by the limelights, but he couldn’t help but gaze at it longingly for a few seconds…watching as it continued its path below the horizon. However, Mark tapped his shoulder gently, reminding him of the matter at hand. Ethan nodded. The older man was right. He was supposed to stay focused on what they were currently doing; anything else would send him plummeting down fifty feet, and Ethan knew that well enough.

Ethan walked beside Mark, both of them trailing behind Sean before they reached outside the large tent. All of the acrobats were filed one after the other, each of them looking almost identical to the last as they whispered among themselves. Ethan glanced at his partner hesitantly, surprised by how composed the older man appeared to be. Of course, the brunette knew that this wasn’t Mark’s first show…but he still couldn’t help but be amazed by how calm he was. “I wish I could be as tranquil as you right now,” the young man whispered softly, glancing at Mark. This caught the older man’s attention as he glanced back at him thoughtfully.

“What makes you think I’m calm?” Mark chuckled softly.

“Well, for starters,” Ethan mentioned, swallowing thickly as he tried to think, “you don’t look as if your heart is going to beat right out of your chest. I’m _trembling,_ Mark. Not a single part go you is shaking whatsoever. You’re composed, and your posture hasn’t even faltered despite all of this. You’re not fidgeting or fiddling with your fingers, or cracking your knuckles…you’re not doing anything that someone who’s nervous would do. You’re just standing there, sinfully quiet, and looking just as chipper as you always do. I would do anything to be as calm as that right now, because there’s the same part of me that’s just begging to crack so I can have a panic attack.” The older man gave him an empathetic smile. “How do I calm down?”

“Look at me,” Mark instructed. The younger man did as he was told. “You’re going to be fine. Do you understand that?” Ethan pondered about the question thoughtfully for a few moments before he hesitantly nodded his head. “You’re not going to fall because you’re going to be completely focused on the swings, and me, and the flips. You remember starting position, don’t you?” Ethan nodded again, this time finding more confidence in himself as he recalled their first day of practice…the first day where he had held Mark’s hands so firmly in his own. However, at that time, Ethan had felt nothing special about the feeling. At the time, they were just trapeze partners. “You know everything you need to know to do this, Ethan. You know how you’re supposed to leap, and how you’re supposed to land, and how you’re supposed to grab onto my hands. You know how to hoist yourself onto the swing, and leap back to your bar, and you remember our routine. We’ve been practicing for two months, Ethan. You’re _more than ready_.” He smiled softly.

“Now for Christ’s sake,” Mark continued jokingly. “Get over yourself.”

Ethan couldn’t help but smile as he leaned against his partner gently. He looked down at his arms for a few seconds, humming thoughtfully. “You did a great job with the paint,” the younger man reminded his lover, gesturing down to the seemingly blue vines that snaked up his arm, a pattern of swirls accompanying them. “The audience is going to absolutely _adore_ it.”

“The audience is going to absolutely adore you,” Mark whispered in return. The young man smiled sheepishly, leaning on his lover’s shoulder before he sucked in a small breath, letting it out softly. He was ready now. “All you need to do is focus on the matter at hand,” Mark reminded him one last time, gently pushing the hair out of his face. It was a subtle, loving motion, one that the older man could do around everyone else. Ethan smiled up at him sheepishly. After another heavy sigh, Ethan’s heart skipped a beat in his chest when he realized that everyone was now starting to enter the tent. It was starting. This was it. The show was starting, and there was nothing that Ethan could do to prevent it, but he was going to let everything happen as it did. Since the two of them were at the back of the line, Mark hesitantly reached for his lover’s hand, giving it a small squeeze. “I love you,” the older man whispered under his breath, letting go of his hand after a final squeeze as he lead the younger boy into the tent, just as he had the previous day. This time was different though. This time, as soon as they entered, all eyes were on them.

Ethan glanced around hesitantly, noticing how every seat in the tent was filled with citizens. They must have come from farther than the town, that was for sure, because the young brunette knew well enough there weren’t enough houses to provide room for everyone in the tent. The young man found his eyes glancing left and right, attempting to take in everything at once as they scanned over the array of people. Men and women alike were sitting beside each other, small children accompanying a few couples, which was enough to make Ethan’s heart warm. The young man liked to think that the younger audience would find what they did inspirational…maybe even consider it as a career choice. Nevertheless, his heart skipped a beat when everyone’s eyes were seemingly on him and mark. They stared at them, seemingly mesmerized as they studied the blue and white patterns that had been marked down on their face and arms. The swirls, the lines, the dots, the vines, and spirals; it was more than enough to grasp anyone’s attention, Ethan knew that for sure.

The younger man glanced at his partner hesitantly, noticing how the older man returned the look. “See you on the other side,” Ethan joked. Mark smiled, giving a nod. And then, the line that they were in split as Ethan made his way over to his designated ladder, Mark doing the same but with his own. The audience was clapping in a thrilling sort of manner, one that Ethan knew well enough he could find himself becoming accustomed to. He took a deep breath as he found himself standing at the bottom of the ladder, his hands weakly gripping the rungs. The young man glanced to his left, taking another glimpse at his lover before he focused his attention at the matter at hand, just like Mark had told him to. Hesitantly, Ethan started up the ladder, repositioning the weight of his body on his hands and feet as he started climbing up, a few people letting out an audible gasp as they watched him. If climbing a simple ladder was enough to wow the audience, the young man could hardly wait to show them what else he could do. He grinned to himself, his heartbeat remaining the same…but he was less nervous. Instead, the young man found himself being filled with excitement. Ethan smiled widely, a grin plastered on his face as he climbed higher, being mindful of where he. Placed his hands as he continued upward. He could hear his heartbeat in his ear, but he hardly cared. This was everything he had dreamed of and more, and it was _finally_ coming true. For the first time in his life, the young man would be able to live out his dreams.

Finally, Ethan reached the top, letting out a huff as he hoisted himself up to the platform. He pulled himself to his feet, staring down at the people in the audience as they looked up at him and Mark with an expression filled with a mix of wonder and awe. Ethan glanced over at his partner hesitantly from across the way, noticing how the man was smiling just as proudly as he was. The young man let out a soft sigh of relief as he sunk to the ground of the platform, leaning against the fence that surrounded it. He gave a soft smile, listening to the sound of the piano start.

This was it. The performance was starting.

∞§—————§∞

Ethan took in another small breath as he heard the piano stop. He swallowed thickly, his heart skipping a beat in his chest as he heard the sound of the audience erupting in applause. The acrobats had just finished their performance…the one that lead directly into their trapeze performance. Ethan hesitantly stood to his feet, his heart in his throat when he felt everyone in the audience glancing to him and Mark, gasping softly when they realized their performance was up next. The young man hesitantly reached for the fence of the platform, his heart sinking when he remembered that there was no net. Luckily, he couldn’t start without Sean. So, the young man stood there, helplessly gazing across the way at his lover, who looked back at him reassuringly. The young man could almost hear him now…reminding him not to worry about a thing, and just to focus on the matter at hand. Ethan sucked in a deep breath.

“You ready?” The young brunette heard someone questioning from below. Ethan glanced down, noticing Sean hoisting himself up onto the platform, shaken up just by the thought of having to climb fifty feet. The young man nodded his head hesitantly, making room for the Irish man to stand beside him. “Alright,” Sean hummed, gesturing his head to the chalk. “You put some of that on your hands. Mr. Carter told me to remind you. I’m here to grab the swing for you, okay? So you don’t have to worry about plummeting fifty feet before the start of your performance.” The Irish man smiled, glancing back at Ethan before he hesitantly made his way to the edge of the platform. He reached over shakily, grasping the fence tightly so he wouldn’t fall. Ethan watched him carefully, glancing down at the audience out of the corner of his eye. Each member was watching them with such anticipation, already beginning to grasp the armrests. Ethan couldn’t help but smile at the thought of people being excited.

Sean glanced back at Ethan, now holding the trapeze swing in his hand. Ethan walked over to him slowly, taking a small breath before he grabbed it in his hand, keeping a firm grip. “You’ve got this, Ethan,” Sean whispered to him reassuringly, giving him a small pat on this shoulder before he stepped aside. The young man remembered how Mr. Carter had advised Sean not to bother Ethan or distract him. Well, the young brunette supposed he was right. Nevertheless, Ethan stared straight ahead, his eyes fixed on Mark ahead of him. The older man gave a half-smile, shifting slightly as he held the bar in his hands. After a few seconds, Ethan watched as Mark swung forward, hoisting himself up to the swing as he had so many times before. His lover sat with his back facing him, as he always did, his legs hooked firmly around the bar before he moved forward, holding onto the bar with his legs, his arms outstretched as he starting to swing back and forth. Ethan drew in a short breath, repositioning his grip as he prepared to time himself, studying when Mark swung back and forth. The young man could feel the heat of the limelights on him, but he ignored it, doing exactly as Mark said. With a final second, he jumped, allowing himself to swing forward.

The entire audience gasped as Ethan swung forward, leaping forward and up. The young man closed his eyes as he found himself flipping, feeling as if he was flying through the air. And suddenly, there was no act. Suddenly, it just became Ethan flying through the air toward his lover, his eyes opening again as he outstretched his arms. His heart was thudding in his chest, the world seemingly moving in slow motion, but he smiled when he felt the familiar feeling of Mark’s hands holding is. And suddenly, the world was in motion again. 

Ethan looked up at his lover, his eyes wide with amazement. He could hear the sound of the audience clapping, a few of them hollering; the sounds collided and became almost thunderous as they filled the tent with energy. Ethan kept a tight grip of his lover’s hands as he swung below him. “You did it…” Mark whispered softly, squeezing his hands gently. The young man noticed how his eyes twinkled the reflection of the limelight. God, the only thing the brunette wanted to do was kiss him. “You did it,” Mark repeated, a grin on his face. “You did it, treasure!” The older man could say it as loud as he wanted…no one could hear them.

“I love you,” Ethan whispered softly as they swung back, preparing to hoist him onto the swing.

“I love you too…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was honestly one of my favorite chapters to write, and I loved taking my time with this piece. Ethan and Mark getting ready was over 3000 words on it’s own, and it as nice to take things slow and get the emotions of the character out. 
> 
> Also, I’m thankful for so many statistics:  
> Thank you guys for 20 bookmarks! At least 20 people are avidly reading the book, and that makes me happy.  
> Thank you for 2500 hits!  
> Thank you for 10 user subscriptions!And, this isn’t something I’m thanking you for, but I’m personally thankful that we have surpassed 100,000 words on this fanfic. Wow! I can hardly believe it.
> 
> “Baby of Mine” is in the works. I’m struggling with finding angst and a conflict to drive the plot…one that doesn’t include something extremely fucking dark happening. Like, I HAVE ideas…but I always like it when my pics are carefree and happy. I haven’t quite become adjust to sad things yet. And, I know if I do what I was intending on doing…I’m only gonna get upset. So, for now, I’m thinking of conflicts.  
> I remembered recently that conflicts don’t always mean PHYSICAL conflict, and it can always just be inner conflict…which is actually the route I think I’m gonna take for “Baby of Mine”.
> 
> Again, thank you guys so much for the constant support! Your comments make me smile all the time, and I love the feedback you’re giving. Kudos + Comments always appreciated  
> (We’re only 11 Kudos away from 200 you guys. That’s insane! I thought this was gonna be one of those fics that no one paid attention to)
> 
> Thank you soooo much!!!  
> \- Simply


	26. That Wonderful Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, guys!

Ethan let out a final heavy breath as he leaped back to his swing, the audience giving that same cheer of adoration which they previously had, at the edge of their seats as they looked up to the trapeze artists. The young man’s hands were starting to ache, so he was glad their first performance was finally over. He would have applied more chalk if he had been given the option, of course, but he knew well enough Mr. Carter wouldn’t have appreciated a halt in the routine, even if it was for his own safety. Ethan let out a content sigh, gripping his swing before he swung back over to his platform, his feet planting on the wood. Sean took his arm carefully, thoughtfully pulling him onto the platform, in case he were to stumble backward. The young man let out a content sigh before he gave a wide grin, his heart starting to beat heavily in his chest again. Not because he was nervous or because he was excited…but because he was proud. The young man and his partner had just performed their routine fifty feet in the air, without the use of a net below them. They had swung forward and backward, leaping and flipping and hoisting themselves up onto the swings. Ethan had tried to include almost every stunt in the book, even ones that weren’t included in their routine, such as swinging back and forth from one hand as the audience gasped, almost as if he had done something considered blasphemous.

He had remembered seeing audience members out of the corner of his eye, grabbing someone’s shoulder, and pointing up to them in amazement. It was a feeling that was more than enough to make anyone feel powerful, Ethan knew that well enough. It made him feel _important_. When he was in the air, feeling the heat of the limelights seemingly beating down on him with each swing, he knew that everyone’s eyes were on him and Mark he knew that _this w_ as the part they had been waiting for, and of course the young brunette didn’t want to disappoint. Everything had just gone so perfectly. The paint on their arms and face was without-a-doubt visible from the ground below, considering how vibrant the blue had been, and he knew that it worked so well with the costumes. Ethan had managed to perform each stunt perfectly, just as he intended, and the partners never faltered with a single portion of their routine throughout the night. There was no moment in the performance where Ethan feared he was going to plummet fifty feet, or that he had accidentally jumped too early. Everything he did was done with purpose, and that had obviously been shown. The young man gave a grin.

Mark had been correct when he claimed that Ethan wouldn’t be thinking of the lack of net below them during the performance. The young brunette had been so focused on the wonderful feeling of soaring through the air that he had almost forgotten why they were even there. There wasn’t an ounce of fear in him, even though somewhere in the back of his mind he could recall why he was supposed to be terrified. But the sensible part of him wasn’t there at the time. Instead, he found himself continuing the routine, just to get the rush of adrenaline that he craved whenever he landed a flip. God, it was the best feeling in the world. Just feeling so incredibly free, even if it was only for a matter of a few seconds, before being able to land in his lover’s arm, his heart skipping a beat each time. Every flip was followed by cheers. Everytime he hoisted himself up to the swing to wave to the audience, it was followed by smile. The adrenaline flowing through his veins was apparent, even now that he was finished, and he was still as excited as ever. There was so much more of the night left, he knew that for sure. There was so much time to celebrate with his lover…the thought of it was enough to make his knees weak as he held on tightly to the fence of the platform, just to keep himself from pathetically falling over the edge.

Ethan let out a soft content sigh, wiping the back of his hand across his brow, taking off a bit of the paint in the process. Not like it mattered. The performance was complete…him and Mark could go back to the room in their inn. God, the young man had been waiting for that moment since the day they left the practice grounds. Everything would be so new to him…so _exciting_. Ethan could hardly contain himself at the thought of just being _Mark’s_ for an entire night. All his. Only his. It was enough to make the young brunette feel completely, utterly, and fucking _helplessly_ weak. He ran a shaky hand through his hair as he looked across the way at his lover, noticing the affectionate gaze that the older man returned. Finally, Ethan felt his heart rate returning to normal as he sucked in a few more deep breaths, no longer panting softly. With a final heavy exhale, it was as if the young man had never even leapt off the platform in the first place, which was enough to make him chuckle softly at the thought. The young man rubbed his hands together lightly, watching the remaining chalk that had stuck to his sweaty palms get scraped off, wafting down like flying embers onto the platform or below.

“You did great, Ethan,” Sean reminded the younger man softly, giving a small grin after the brunette had caught his breath. “God, I can’t even imagine what Mr. Carter is going to say…everything you did was just so _impressive_. Mark has been performing with him for five years now, but none of the partners that he’s ever had have been as good at this as you are. They’ve been given longer increments of time to practice and learn new skills…but they’ve never mastered it. _You_ on the other hand…you seem to know the flying trapeze just as much as Mark does. And the audience…the audience _loved_ you.” Ethan couldn’t help but grin shyly as he glanced down from the platform, noticing how the crowd was still watching then, almost as if their gaze had been plastered there and they couldn’t look away. It was a feeling that filled the brunette with immense pride. “I can hardly imagine how hard all of that is to do. I mean, acrobatics isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but we don’t exactly die if someone were to drop us. You would be plummeting _fifty feet down_ …” the Irish man’s voice trailed off. “It’s dangerous, that’s all I’ll say.”

“Yeah,” Ethan agreed softly, resting his hands on his hips as he hummed softly. He supposed the two of them could start heading down from the platform…Mr. Carter hadn’t exactly explained what the four of them were supposed to do one the flying trapeze act was finished. It was obvious that the audience wasn’t leaving anytime soon, even though the performance was over, so the young brunette could only assume that they would have to head down. “I think we should go down the ladder,” he mentioned, glancing back over his shoulder at Sean. The Irish man hummed thoughtfully for a few seconds before reluctantly nodding in agreement. The young brunette shifted closer to the edge of the platform, looking over to his partner. “Mark!” He shouted across the way, grasping the attention of his lover as the man glanced back at him. “I’m gonna start heading down now! I think you should too! I mean, I would jump into the net below if I could…but I really don’t feel like killing myself!” The older man simply chuckled, nodding his head before he walked toward the ladder. Ethan hummed under his breath, his heart beating with excitement again, although this time for a different reason. He carefully hoisted himself below onto the ladder, planting his feet and hands carefully before he started moving doing. He would hate to have himself end up slipping only after they had finished their performance…which would give him the same results if he plummeted fifty feet down.

Ethan glanced above him, noticing how Sean had started down after a few feet of distance between them. The young man hummed thoughtfully as he climbed down the ladder, a bit of chalk on his hands remaining surprisingly helpful for his grip as he descended. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, a small smile growing on his face. He had never been more excited in his entire life. The young brunette knew he would have to fight himself just to stop himself from leaping into his lover’s arm the seconds the both of them had reached the ground. God, just the mere thought of getting to be alone with Mark was enough to make the young man blush. He could hardly contain himself. Ethan finally reached the floor of the arena, grinning as he released the rungs of the ladder and turned on his heels, his heart skipping a beat when he realized almost everyone was looking at him now that he was closer to the ground. He gave an awkward wave, not sure if he was supposed to say anything. Thank them for coming to the performance? Surely not. That wasn’t his position to say. That seemed like something that would be Mr. Carter’s responsibility, considering it _was_ his circus after all. Nevertheless, Ethan just continued to wave at a few people, smiling softly as he noticed a few children waving at him too. It was enough to make his heart warm.

Ethan couldn’t help but find his attention being drawn by the audience, most of them sitting and a few of them still clapping; most of them were waving though. He hesitantly walked over to the edge of the arena, where the crowd and the performance space was separated by the barrier, which was about chest height. The seats above were elevated, however, so the barrier went up to their waist when they were sitting down. The feeling of people smiling at him was _incredible_. His heart lifted contently in his chest as he noticed a young boy sitting in the front row, looking at him in awe, almost as if he had just seen a shooting star or something. Ethan hummed thoughtfully under his breath, walking over to him carefully. He gave a soft smile. “Did you like the trapeze act?” He questioned softly, the young boy’s eyes widening as he looked up at Ethan, almost as if he couldn’t believe that the young man was even talking to him.

“Be polite, Henry,” the young boy’s mother reminded her son, nudging his shoulder gently. “This kind man just asked you a question.”

“I liked it a whole lot,” Henry replied, smiling a bit as he shifted to the edge of his seat, looking up at Ethan. It was so obvious to the young brunette that the boy was filled with a series of questions about the flying trapeze and about the costumes, and even about the acrobats and the animals. Children were like that…hell, _Ethan_ was like that, so he knew well enough that a young boy would be just the same. “I’ve been to a few circuses before, and a lot of use the nets when they do it…” he mentioned, his voice trailing off as his gaze was redirected to the trapeze, studying how it was lacking the net that had become so familiar. “This one doesn’t though…so, if you fall…you just _fall_? All the way down?” The young man chuckled softly in return, giving a hesitant nod of his head as he folded his arms loosely across his chest. “Golly, doesn’t that scare you at all?”

Ethan hummed softly. “Not really,” he admitted, Henry’s eyes widening with surprise. “You don’t really think about how high up you are when you’re performing,” the young brunette explained, trying to remember how Mark had described it to him. “You just think about all the fun stuff that you get to do in the air. You think about the flips and you think about the twists…you thinking about swinging back and forth on the swing. You think about being _happy_.” The young boy smiled up at him brightly, his eyes lighting up with excitement at the thought. “You feel like you’re flying through the air, soaring as if you’ll never touch the ground. Everything is seemingly moving in slow motion…it’s the best feeling in the world. Absolutely irreplaceable.” The young man paused thoughtfully. “This was my first performance tonight, did you know that?”

Henry shook his head in disbelief.

“Well, it’s true,” Ethan continued softly, his voice almost in a whisper as he spoke to the younger boy gently. “I was so very scared before I swung off of the platform. I thought that I was going to fall…but my partner, Mark…he promised me that he wouldn’t let me fall. He told me that he wouldn’t drop me…and he didn’t. He didn’t drop me.” Henry smiled softly. “You have to trust people when you’re up in the air. You look out for each other.”

“Did you do that paint yourself?” Henry questioned. He reached his hand out gently, pressing his palm gently against Ethan’s cheek. The younger man chuckled softly before he gave a small shake of his head.

“No, my partner painted it on for me,” Ethan explained. He smiled softly. “Speaking of which, I should probably get back to my partner.” The young boy gave a small nod of understanding as he glanced back at his mother proudly. Ethan pulled away from the barrier, giving another awkward wave before he turned on his heels. He smiled softly when he saw Mark, grinning happily. The young man walked over to his lover, smiling contently. “We did it…” he whispered softly. The older man glanced at him, giving a grin. “I can’t believe we actually did it.”

“Oh, Mr. Nestor, _believe me_ ,” Mark murmured in return, his voice soft as he kept his gaze on attention on the audience, so they wouldn’t notice they were speaking to each other. “I knew we could do it…and _believe me_ when I tell you, treasure, that tonight is going to be the best fucking night of your life.” The young man’s knees wanted to buckle as he fought to keep his face from going flush. “I can barely _wait_ to have my hands on every fucking _inch_ of your body.” 

“Jesus _Christ_ , Mark,” Ethan breathed out softly, trying to keep a straight face as he held himself confident like before. The thought was enough to make the young man go wild. The thought of his lover’s hands raking up body…over his bare skin; over his chest and along his waist. The thought of Mark’s lips attached to his neck and stomach, sucking gently and peppering kisses all over his body. God, the young man wanted him so badly. He wanted every inch of him. “Please…”

“Please, what?” Mark whispered.

“I’ve never needed anyone more than I need you right now,” the younger man breathed out, his heart pounding in his chest. “Mr. Fischbach, I suggest that you and I go back to our inn…and _celebrate_.” His voice was filled with desperation, almost a pleading whine. The things that the older man did to him. “ _Now_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, oh God. Smut is coming next chapter. I have never been more unprepared in my life, but that's okay. We'll get through that. Smut isn't everything, hopefully. But, I will try to make it as good as it can be. 
> 
> Thank you guys for all of your support. Kudos + Comments appreciated, as always!
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	27. If You Love Me, Take Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I get started, I just want to thank you guys for the amount of support that has been given on this fic. I never expected this to get Kudos, or comments, and certainly not bookmarks. I didn’t expect this to get me user subscriptions…but I certainly 100% did not expect people to make FANART of scenes from the chapters.  
> That makes me so incredibly happy and flattered that you would do that for any of my works, and I never expected it to happen. Oh my God, that’s AMAZING.
> 
> Sorry for this chapter being a day late, btw. I didn't expect myself to take this long
> 
> Also:   
> WARNING: Smut. Smut smut smut smut smut. Much smut.

Ethan leaned on his lover gently as they walked through the hallway, his partner holding the keys to their inn room. He couldn’t help but let out a content sigh. They were. The only ones out in the inn who weren’t in their rooms, attempting to get sleep. So, Mark had his arm around his lover’s waist, holding him close. The younger man rested his hand on Mark’s shoulder, letting out yet another content sigh. Mark glanced down at him gently, their eyes meeting lovingly. The young man’s heart was still beating in his chest, his face going flush at the thought. Part of Ethan could hardly breathe…almost like he had forgotten how to. He had never wanted anything more in his entire life than to have Mark’s hands trailing up and down his body. For him to feel the older man’s hot breath against his neck…for him to experience something he had never even thought of before…but it would be so lovely. The young man could only imagine. Ethan grinned at the thought, leaning up gently and pressing a soft kiss against his lover’s cheek, his eyelashes fluttering gently,

“Mark…” Ethan whispered softly, his voice getting caught in his throat as he tried to think of something to say. He knew well enough that although doing this with his lover wouldn’t exactly change his life…but he knew that it was going to mean something. This was important. At least, it was _supposed_ to be important. It was. It would be. This was going to be the most important day of Ethan’s life because he was going to _make it_ the most important day. This was the night where he was going to feel loved; God, he could already feel it. The only thing he had on his mind was Mark. Ethan had never felt so wild about a single person before in his entire life, and it was starting to show as he leaned desperately against the older male, listening to the steady beating of his heart as it echoed in his ears. Part of him was frightened, yes, and he wouldn’t ignore that…but every part of the circumstances just felt so _right_. Ethan had never felt like this before…and not just the being in love part. He had loved Mark for a while now…but he had never felt like _this._ The young man had never felt so desperate as to just be _his_. It was an overwhelming feeling that made him go weak at the knees and his face go flush.

Although what seemed like a pathetic act of desperation, the young brunette knew it was more; he knew it was _special_. He knew that this night was going to be special, and he wasn’t going to treat it or view it as anything different. Mark had said it himself…the night was going to be unique and completely foreign to Ethan, but not to his lover. And Ethan trusted him…oh God, how he trusted him. He trusted his partner with his life…he trusted Mark with his soul…and now he trusted his lover with his body. The young man trusted that the older wouldn’t hurt him…not purposely, of course. Ethan barely knew what he was getting himself into, but he knew every second of it would just be completely and entirely worth it. So, despite everything, Ethan rested his temple gently on his lover’s shoulder, his gaze fixed on his lover as he looked up at him with such deep affection. Mark glanced back at him, returning the same admired gaze.

“I love you…” Ethan continued softly, his voice a whisper as he leaned up slowly. His mind was clouded with nothing else but desire and affection as he pressed his lips against Mark’s, even in the middle of the hallway. He sighed contently into the slow kiss, feeling the older man shift so that he could gently hook his arms around his lover’s waist. Ethan slowly wrapped his arms loosely around his partner’s neck, pressing their chests together carefully as he kissed him. Their lips moved with each other slowly, the young brunette’s eyes fluttering shut. The young man could feel Mark’s steady heartbeat against his, dipping and fluttering as their lips moved slowly. Ethan could feel the older man’s hot breath against his lips as they kissed. God, he wanted to stay like this forever…it was a wonderful feeling. It was the same love they felt for each other before, yes, but almost intensified. Ethan could feel his heart in his throat as he kissed his lover hungrily, hardly knowing what he wanted anymore, but he knew well enough how to get it. He could feel his lover gently running his hands up and down his sides as he pulled him close.

“I love you too,” Mark whispered in return, glancing down at Ethan with a loving, peaceful gaze. The young man couldn’t help but pull away slightly as he marveled at his lover. The young man’s eyes scanned over him with admiration, and he found himself giggling softly when he noticed a bit of paint still remaining on his partner’s temple. Mr. Carter had advised them to wash off the paint from their face, as well as get dressed, so the performers had been quick to follow suit back at their tent. They had left their costumes there, as they normally would, and had been thoughtful to wash the pearl and navy paint from their face…although it was obvious that Ethan had done a better job. They had then changed into their suits, since they were the only proper attire that each of the men owned; everything else in Ethan’s suitcase was plainly clothes that he could practice the trapeze in. Nevertheless, they had worn their suits to look ‘presentable’ on their way back to the inn, but now the only thing on Ethan’s mind was tearing his lover’s suit _off of him_. Although, the young brunette couldn’t help but admit how attractive the older looked in it. It wasn’t an expensive suit, just like Ethan’s, but it made him look nice. It was so… _unlike_ Mark to be wearing a suit. The only thing the young man had ever seen his lover wear from day one was his sleepwear, his costumes, or the leotards he wore to practice. Nothing else.

Ethan sucked in a soft breath when he remembered; the young brunette hadn’t seen his lover without a shirt before. It wasn’t that he hadn’t _wanted_ to…the who situation just seemed taboo, and the young man would find himself freezing up whenever the situation occurred. Needless to say, he would always turn the other way if they found themselves having to change in the same room, and he would insist that Mark did the same. It wasn’t that he was _embarrassed_ by the thought of seeing his lover without a shirt on; it wasn’t exactly something that frightened him, either. In fact, he was comfortable with the _idea_ of seeing him shirtless…but with seeing someone in a state like that came comparing them to yourself. It was something that was found naturally in the human mind…the desire to compare others to themselves. Ethan knew well enough that the older male had a better frame than him; the younger man wasn’t exactly scrawny, but one could _describe him_ as that if he were positioned beside his partner. It was enough to make the young man self-conscious, he knew that well. Ethan wasn’t _ashamed_ of how he looked, of course…the whole thing was complicated. He didn’t mind how he looked, and he _certainly_ didn’t mind how Mark looked…but he knew that he would find himself comparing him to the other. On an average day, of course. Not tonight. Tonight would be different, and the young man would make sure of it. 

The only thing he had on his mind was Mark. He wasn’t thinking about their upcoming performances, and he wasn’t thinking about being on the trapeze, and he certainly wasn’t going to be thinking about how scared he was at the moment. All he wanted was Mark…all he _needed_ was Mark. It was like a craving that the young man couldn’t quite satisfy, but all he had on his tongue was the name of his lover as he gently pressed his forehead against his partner’s, letting out a content sigh as he did so. Every part of him was just completely ready as he melted into his lover’s touch, feeling the man’s hands on his waist again. It was such an addicting sensation; the feeling of his hands gently sliding up and down his sides, occasionally resting on his hips. Soft, loving grazes. Never rough or inconsistent, nor forceful and unwanted. _Gentle_. That was the word. _Loving_.

“Treasure,” Mark whispered softly, smiling softly as he paused thoughtfully. The young man hummed in return to show his lover he had acknowledged the statement. “I’m gonna unlock the door to our room so we can get out of the hallway, because Lord knows if anyone will be walking out of their rooms. Okay?” Ethan gave a small nod, going to pull away from the older man, but his partner grabbed his wrist gently. “You’re going to go and sit on the bed for me, okay? At the edge of the bed.” The younger man’s face flushed rose shyly as he gave another nod, this one more hesitant than the last. Nevertheless, the older man let go of his wrist, wearing a small smile. “You’re so good to me, you know. that?” He whispered lightly, his voice airy as he gazed at his lover affectionately. Ethan couldn’t help but smile softly as he stepped aside, allowing his lover to walk to the door of their room. The young man could feel excitement flowing through his veins as he watched his partner thoughtfully. “So fucking good to me…”

“Just unlock the door already,” Ethan whined teasingly, chuckling softly as his lover gave him a sardonic glance. He leaned on Mark gently, hooking his arm around his parter’s lovingly before pressing a gentle kiss against his cheek. “I have been thinking about this night…for over two days straight now,” he continued in a whisper, drawing close to Mark’s ear as he spoke. “I have wanted nothing more in my entire life than _this_ to be unfolding as it is…and I swear to God if you keep that door locked for even another _second_.” He could feel the older man shivering against him, but Mark smiled nevertheless. “Don’t believe me?” Ethan whispered.

“Oh, I believe you alright, Mr. Nestor,” Mark returned softly, fishing around his pocket for the key before he pulled it out gingerly. The younger man continued to lean on him, watching him thoughtfully. The older man smiled at him gently, pressing a soft kiss against his forehead before he unlocked the door. Ethan slipped inside obediently, humming softly to himself as he was met with the decent-sized room of the inn. The young man sighed contently, a warm smile growing on his face. Two queen-sized beds filled the room, but only one of them had been touched. It was the one farthest to the wall, which Mark and Ethan had claimed as the one they would be sleeping in together, since they knew well enough they couldn’t sleep without each other beside them. And, of course, they were much more spacious than the cots from their previous tents. It would be a sin to waste a perfectly good bed when the two of them could just sleep beside each other. Ethan blushed softly at the thought as he walked slowly into the room, the one they had both slept in only the previous night; but it seemed different now. It seemed _new_. Nevertheless, the young brunette thought nothing of it as he walked to the bed closest to the wall, sliding onto it carefully so that his legs were still hanging over the side. Ethan leaned back on the palms of his hands, taking in another shaky breath as he watched Mark locking the door to the inn behind them. It was a familiar action, one that he had done the previous night…but now it had a different meaning.

Ethan swallowed thickly as Mark hummed softly, turning on his heels. The older man rested the key gingerly atop the blankets of the unoccupied bed before he glanced at Ethan again. The young man gave a shy smile, barely knowing what to do with himself when his lover looked at him like that. His body went absolutely, positively _weak_ when the older man walked over to him, that same lustful look in his eye. Ethan let out a shaky breath as he watched him, sitting up slightly, their gaze not being pulled away from the other as they just stared at each other lovingly, a familiar calm filling the room. “I love you so much,” was all the older man could manage as he leaned down, pressing their lips together gently. Ethan hummed into the kiss softly, almost coming out as a whine when he felt Mark cupping his face in his hands. The young man placed his left hand on Mark’s right, leaning desperately into the kiss. The feeling of his lover’s gentle breath against his face was absolutely _perfect_ , and his heart warmed from the mere sensation of his partner being so close to him. Slowly, Mark’s hands repositioned themselves lightly on the younger man’s shoulders before they snaked their way down to the buttons of his jacket. Although Ethan tensed up slightly, his body soon relaxed from the feeling of his lover gently kissing him. It made him feel safe.

However, Mark’s kisses slowly trailed from his lips to underneath his jaw as he slowly unbuttoned Ethan’s jacket, his lips moving at the pace of his hands. The young brunette tilted his head back slightly, allowing the older man to have more access as he let out a shaky breath, his eyes fluttering shut. Ethan felt his heart fluttered in his chest as Mark sucked gently at his skin; it was absolutely _heavenly_. A small, breathless smile crept onto the younger man’s face, his mouth slightly open. He felt his hands ball up the blankets on the bed into tight fists as Mark nipped gently at his neck, finally unbuttoning Ethan’s jacket. The young brunette let out another hesitant breath as his lover carefully slid his jacket off of him, tossing it aside aimlessly, because they both knew well enough that it wouldn’t matter. Mark's hands moved gently across the fabric of Ethan’s shirt, finding the buttons that trailed from the top to the bottom. Ethan hesitantly sifted his hand through Mark’s hair, swallowing thickly as he felt the older man starting to unbutton his shirt. God, he knew that this was going to happen, but he hadn’t expected it to be this soon. He could feel his stomach churning in a delightful sort of way, a tingling shiver running down his spine.

“Mark…” Ethan breathed out softly, biting his lower lip as he gazed up at the ceiling. It was hard to reposition his neck when his lover was still kissing him. He felt the older man continue to unbutton his shirt, working his way down slowly. God, it was almost painful how unhurried his lover seemed. Ethan felt as if his entire body temperature had just risen as Mark’s lips continued to move slowly against his neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses up and down the side. It was a feeling that the young brunette could sure as hell get used to, he knew that well enough. “ _Mark_ …” the young man repeated, letting out a dragged out whine as his lover nipped gently at his skin. He could feel his shirt being fully unbuttoned, which caused the young brunette’s heart to skip a bit as his partner pulled away gently from his neck. This was one of the parts that a portion of Ethan had been dreading, but he sucked in a small breath as he felt his lover sliding the shirt down his shoulders. Ethan sat there on the bed simply, biting his lip sheepishly as his shirt was removed and placed gingerly to the side, unlike his jacket. Mark moved away slightly, his eyes flickering with lust at the sight of his lover. “What?” The young man whispered softly, having to fight the urge to reach for his shirt and cover himself again. To be honest, he didn’t _feel_ attractive. Just sitting on the bed without a shirt, completely vulnerable in front of his lover…it was a new feeling.

“You…are _gorgeous_ ,” Mark breathed out finally, his voice almost getting caught in his throat as he leaned over again. Ethan blushed as his lover peppered his bare shoulder with gentle kisses, running his hands up and down his arms slowly. “I have _never_ felt like this toward anyone before, Ethan…you’re stunning…” his voice trailed off softly as he glanced up at his partner out of the corner of his eye, noticing how seemingly nervous Ethan was. “Do you need to take a break?” Mark whispered softly. Ethan couldn’t help but give a watery smile, grateful that the older man even thought to ask. However, despite how kind the gesture was, he didn’t need a break. He needed _Mark_. So, Ethan shook his head slowly, his eyes meeting the apparent smile on his face. The older man smiled up at him, giving a small nod. “Lay down on the bed…” he breathed out finally, gesturing for Ethan to reposition himself. The younger man swallowed thickly, tensing up slightly. Not that Mark’s tone of voice scared him, especially since he was speaking so gently…part of him was just frightened from what he knew was coming. He wanted it so bad…but it was scary. 

“Don’t be scared, darling,” Mark continued softly, gently caressing his lover’s cheek. “This part isn’t going to hurt you, I promise. You’re going to love it.” Ethan gave another shaky nod, taking another deep breath before he slid onto the bed, shifting so that he was sitting completely on the bed. Ethan bit his lip hesitantly, a question looming like a burden in the back of his mind. He glanced at his lover nervously.

“Does that mean the other parts are gonna hurt?” He whispered softly, his voice gentle and timid. Ethan placed his hands gently in his lap, watching as Mark’s eyes softened, giving him a half-smile in return. The older man shifted onto the bed, his legs hanging over the side as he reached out for his partner’s hands. Ethan took them gently in his, feeling his lover give them a gentle squeeze as he gazed at him lovingly.

“Mhm,” Mark replied softly, the younger man’s heart skipping a beat in his chest. “But only for a little bit, treasure. It hurts the most for your first time, I promise…and there isn’t really a lot I can do to prevent it from hurting. I wish I could, treasure…I wish there was a way for me to make the pain go away.” Ethan gave a hesitant nod, taking a steady breath to calm his nerves. “But there isn’t…” his voice trailed off thoughtfully as he shifted, giving his hands another small squeeze. “I can only promise you that the pain doesn’t last for long…and that it feels wonderful when you get past it…I’m not forcing you to do any of this, treasure. If you decide you don’t want to go through with the painful part when I’m finished, we won’t. If you decide halfway through that you don’t want this anymore, I’ll stop.” Mark paused, gazing at Ethan lovingly. “I love you, Ethan Nestor. And I would never… _ever_ hurt you.” Ethan gave a watery smile, nodding his head hesitantly in return. 

“Now,” Mark advised softly. “Lay down.”

Ethan gave another nod of his head, exhaling softly as he shifted, lowering himself down carefully so that the back of his head was resting gently on the pillow. “This part doesn’t hurt, right?” The young man questioned softly, not yet knowing what his lover was going to do, but he just wanted to be sure. Not that he would completely deny his lover if it _did_ hurt…Ethan didn’t care about that. He could push through the pain if he wanted to, even if the thought scared him…it would just be nice to know _when_ the pain was coming, if there was even going to be any yet. Maybe the young man was just being paranoid. Nevertheless, Mark chuckled softly, almost as if the question was ridiculous.

“No, this part won’t hurt,” Mark reminded his lover. Ethan gave a justified nod as he stared up at the ceiling. “Do you want me to remove your pants, or would you rather you do it yourself?” The young man’s heart skipped a beat at the question. He turned his head to be facing Mark slightly, noticing how the man gazed back at him questioningly. “Take your time, treasure,” Mark assured him softly.

“You…you can do it,” Ethan managed, barely being able to find the words before he returned his gaze to the ceiling. He was less embarrassed around his lover, of course…he just found it to be an awkward thing to say. Nevertheless, he stayed still, feeling Mark shift onto the bed slightly. Ethan sucked in a soft breath as he felt Mark’s hands near his waist, slipping underneath the hemline of his pants before he began to slide them down his legs. The young man shivered underneath his touch, feeling the cool air of the room against his bare skin as Mark continued. He breathed shakily, a part of him still nervous. Nevertheless, he gently propped himself up on his elbows, smiling sheepishly. “I think I’m a little bit underdressed,” he joked, gesturing to the fact that Mark was still wearing his suit. The older man looked down at himself, chuckling softly before giving a small nod of his head, agreeing with his lover.

“I can fix that,” Mark breathed out simply. Ethan watched loving as the older man made quick work of unbuttoning his jacket, the pace of his hands different from when he had helped take Ethan’s off. The young man watched him contently, his heart beating heavily in his chest. For the first time in his life, the brunette was watching his lover get _undressed_ without himself insisting that he had to turn in the other direction. It was almost foolish how seriously the young brunette had taken that ‘rule’ he had crafted for himself, but he had done it nonetheless. Now, however, the rule had seemingly melted away as Ethan marveled at his lover tossing his jacket aside, revealing his suspenders and a button-down shirt. The young man could feel himself melting at the mere sight of Mark as he unclipped the suspenders from the edge of his pants, tossing them aside. “Like what you see?” The older man questioned teasingly, starting to unbutton his alabaster white shirt. If it had been any other situation, the young brunette would have shot back with a witty, half-assed comment; but he didn’t. Instead, he simply nodded his head slowly, his heart starting to beat faster. He watched as Mark slid the shirt down his arms, grinning a bit. “Is that better, treasure?”

“Much…” Ethan replied softly, unable to willingly tear his gaze away from his lover’s chest and arms. God, he was absolutely gorgeous. Instead, however, the young man leaned back, staring up at the ceiling as he sucked in another breath. “You can continue…” he mentioned softly, a smile creeping onto his face as he giggled. He knew well enough that his lover would simply be playfully rolling his eyes in return as he climbed onto the bed again. The young man lay there for a few seconds, his breath hitching slightly when he felt Mark’s hands on the waistband of his underwear. “Oh, God…” Ethan breathed out softly, feeling his face go flush with embarrassment. He had _never_ done this with anyone before. 

“Do you want me to stop?” Mark asked gently, his voice sincere as it filled the painful silence in the air. “Treasure, we don’t have to do _any_ of this if you don’t want to. This isn’t for me, Ethan. I want tonight to be about _you_ …this is _your_ first time doing this with anyone, and it’s supposed to be special. If you’re worrying intensely over absolutely _anything_ , I don’t want to continue.” Ethan smiled softly up at the ceiling. How he had been blessed with a man as lovely as Mark was beyond him. “You don’t have to answer right away,” the older man continued softly. “God, I’d wait the entire night for you, darling.”

“How are you _so perfect_?” Ethan managed, his voice filled with sheer disbelief as he smiled. “ _Yes_ , you can continue.” He shifted awkwardly, taking in a small breath. Mark gave a half smile, gently kissing above the waistband of his pants, which surprisingly calmed the young brunette’s nerves as the older man slowly slid his underwear down his legs, pulling it off from him finally. Ethan didn’t dare say anything as he felt his face heating up with pure embarrassment. There was hardly anything _to_ say. He found himself completely and utterly vulnerable at the hands of his lover. Nevertheless, he felt Mark shifting on the bed. Slowly, the young man propped himself up on his elbows, noticing Mark on his knees in front of him, slowly lowering himself down. Ethan’s heart skipped a beat as he watched Mark thoughtfully, swallowing thickly. He could see lust flickering in his lover’s eyes as he looked down at him. Ethan reluctantly lay his head back on the pillow, taking a small breath.

Ethan shivered against Mark’s touch as he felt the older man resting his hands gently on his thighs, slowly spreading his legs apart. The young man let out a soft whine, his cock giving a small twitch as he felt Mark lick a stripe up the side of his member. The brunette weakly lifted his head up from the pillow, his own eyes clouded up with a foreign feeling of lust. He watched weakly as Mark licked another stripe up his cock. Ethan found himself shivering, letting out a soft _pleading_ moan. “ _Mark_ -” he breathed out, taking in a small breath afterward. The young man watched as the older man took him in his mouth slowly. “Oh God-” the brunette breathed out, tilting his head back again. Ethan let out a shaky breath as he felt Mark bobbing his head steadily, a painfully slow pace. 

Ethan buried his right hand in Mark’s hair, biting his lip sharply as his hand moved with the older man’s head, dipping down repeatedly. He could feel Mark’s tongue on the underside of his cock as the man bobbed his head, his cheeks occasionally hollowing as he went. The young man felt his legs slide up involuntarily, his body seemingly on display for the older man. God, the feeling was just heavenly. “So…so good…-” Ethan found himself moaning out, another choked moan following as he felt Mark swallow him deeper. Holy fuck, Mark knew what he was doing. “Mark-”

Mark hummed softly in return, sending wonderful vibrations up his member that traveled straight to Ethan’s mouth as he groaned softly. The young man allowed his back to arch slightly, his grip tightening in his lover’s hair. An unfamiliar sense of heat coiled in his stomach, causing his toes to curl as he screwed his eyes shut tight. Ethan didn’t know what that meant, but God it felt amazing. The young man writhed slightly, letting out another airy moan before Mark pulled off of him slowly. The brunette let out a long, pleading whine, his cock throbbing against the lack of attention. “Please…-” was all he could manage, releasing a heavy breath he didn’t even know he was holding. The young brunette hardly even knew what he wanted, but the feeling of the heat fading from his abdomen was enough to make him crave. more. “Don’t _stop_ -”

“As much as I would just love to spoil you the entire night,” Mark breathed out, gently peppering his lover’s inner thighs with soft kisses, “I want to know if you’re ready to move on.” Ethan lifted his head slightly, propping himself up on his elbows as he gazed at his lover thoughtfully. “I’m not gonna continue without your permission, treasure.” The young man couldn’t help but give a watery smile, his partner gazing back at him with the same look of affection. 

“Will the next part hurt?” Ethan breathed out softly. He knew well enough what the answer was going to be. The older man wouldn’t have asked if he wanted to move on unless the next part was going to hurt a little. Nevertheless, the young brunette found himself asking just for the sake of it. Mark’s eyes told it all, of course. The young man hardly even needed an audible response when the older man was looking at him sympathetically, his eyes softening in that kindhearted way. Ethan watched as his lover gently reached his left hand over to the younger man’s right, giving it a gentle, comforting squeeze. The young brunette smiled softly, letting out a shaky breath as he squeezed his hand in return. After a few seconds, Mark gave a small nod, confirming the younger man’s suspicions. He lay there for a few seconds, giving his lover’s hand a tighter squeeze. “You can continue…” Ethan whispered finally, his voice reluctant as he watched his lover give a small smile in return. Mark leaned up carefully, resting his hands on either side of Ethan as he pressed their lips together. 

The young man sighed contently against his lover’s lips, keeping himself propped up on his right elbow, but lifting his left hand to gently cup Mark’s right cheek in his hand. The older man leaned into the touch of his hand as he kissed Ethan slowly, resting a gentle hand on the younger man’s chest. The young brunette allowed his eyes to flutter shut as he kissed his partner, feeling his lover’s hand slowly traveling from his chest to his stomach, and then further down. Ethan whimpered softly against Mark’s lips, a small muffled moan escaping as he felt the older man wrap his hand gently around the base of his cock, pumping slowly as he kissed him. Ethan kissed his lover hungrily as he felt the older man’s hand traveling up and down his length. The young man knew well enough this wasn’t the part that would hurt, so he relaxed into his lover’s touch, his moans muffled against his partner’s lips. Ethan’s hips jerked up needily into his touch, savoring the feeling of Mark’s hand pumping his cock. God, it was amazing. That same wonderful sensation returned in his abdomen as he tried to follow Mark’s open0mouthed kisses, his cheeks going flush. However, Mark barely kept up the actions long enough before his hand had returned to Ethan’s chest. 

The young brunette let out a needing whine against his lover’s lips before the older man pulled away slightly, chuckling softly as he looked down at the younger man. Ethan looked up at him pleadingly, writhing underneath him and letting out another whine. “ _Mark_ -” he whimpered, panting softly as he looked up at him.

“Shhh,” Mark breathed out softly, pecking Ethan’s lips gently before gingerly stroking his cheek. “Good things come to those who wait, treasure.” The young man blushed sheepishly as he gazed up at his lover. The older man hummed softly, continuing to gently stroke his cheek with his left hand before he brought two of his fingers to Ethan’s lips. “Suck,” he instructed. The younger man looked up at him before obediently taking the two fingers in his mouth, sucking softly. “Good boy…” Mark breathed out softly, his voice sincere as he gently stroked Ethan’s hair. The young brunette hummed gently against his fingers, not making eye contact with the older man. After a few seconds, Mark pulled them away from Ethan’s mouth, hesitantly giving the younger man a soft peck on his lips. The young brunette tensed up slightly. He knew well enough that the next part was going to hurt, despite how much the older man was trying to pamper him. Ethan sucked in a small breath as he watched Mark thoughtfully, not sure if he was supposed to say anything. He didn’t want the older man to stop, he knew that…but he couldn’t help but tremble underneath his lover’s touch. It was natural to be afraid, he supposed. Ethan eventually let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, the older man glancing up at him hesitantly.

Ethan shivered as he felt Mark gently pressing his finger against his rim. He didn’t push in yet, instead eying his lover carefully. The younger man balled up the sheets in his hand, biting his lip sharply. He knew well enough that holding his breath wasn’t going to help anything, but he didn’t care. “Hold my hand,” Mark whispered softly, gently reaching his left hand beside Ethan’s right. “You know the way you’re not supposed to hold my hands when we’re on the trapeze?” Ethan swallowed thickly before nodding his head, letting out a choked breath before sucking in another. “Hold it like that.” The young brunette nodded slowly again, interlacing his fingers with Mark’s as he held his hand, feeling his lover give a gentle, reassuring squeeze. “I would never hurt you, Ethan…” the older man breathed out, his voice soft and promising as he gazed up at his lover. There was a small, peaceful calm between them. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Ethan breathed shakily before giving a reluctant nod. “Go…” he said finally, squeezing Mark’s hand. The older man gazed at him lovingly before slowly beginning to push his finger into the younger man. Ethan tensed up slightly, his grip tightening on his lover’s hand and on the sheets that he balled up in his fist. It hurt. That was one of the only ways the younger man could describe it, a burning and _awful_ stretching sensation washing over him. The brunette held his breath tightly in his lungs, fighting not to screw his eyes shut tight as he squeezed Mark’s hand harder. He knew well enough that would only be hurting his lover, but God, he couldn’t even think about that right now. “Shit-” he choked out with discomfort.

“Do you want me to stop?” Mark whispered softly, a sympathetic gaze in his eye as he looked up at Ethan gently. “We don’t have to do this, Ethan.”

“I…I know…” Ethan said, taking a heaving breath before he exhaled heavily. He wanted Mark so badly…even when the pain had been added to the experience, he still wanted every inch of his lover. The young man wanted every _bit_ of the love the older man had for him, and the insensible portion of him didn’t seem to care about the pain. “I know…” he repeated, his voice shaking. “But I want this…God, just get it over with.” Ethan took another breath as Mark pushed his finger in slightly deeper, withdrawing it almost completely, and then pushing back again, a slow and steady pumping motion. “When does the pain go away?” Ethan whimpered out softly.

“Soon,” Mark assured his lover. “Soon, treasure, I promise.” Ethan nodded, his grip loosening on his partner’s hand. The older man couldn’t help but chuckle. “Thank you, Mr. Nestor,” he teased. “That was starting to hurt.” Ethan giggled breathlessly, despite the discomfort, as he gazed down at his lover. Mark made this whole experience worth it…he made every second of it count. Slowly and steadily, Mark continued pumping his fingers, the young man feeling himself loosen for his lover. Eventually, the younger man’s breath hitched in his throat as his partner pushed in just _slightly_ deeper. Ethan shivered, his body no longer as tense as he relaxed, the pain starting to melt into a pleasurable feeling that the young man couldn’t help but crave. “There we go…” Mark breathed out softly, a small smile growing on his face as he gazed up at Ethan. 

The young man let out a breathless moan as he arched his back, biting his lip sharply. “Mark…” he breathed out softly, squeezing his lover’s hand again. The young man let out heavy breaths, always finding himself holding them in his chest as he savored the feeling of Mark’s finger pumping inside him slowly. It was _heavenly_. The way that Mark was touching him…the way that his lover was holding his hand through it, despite how the pain had faded…God, it was like Ethan was falling in love all over again; and it wasn’t just the lust fogging his common sense. The brunette let out another moan as Mark slipped a second finger inside him. “Oh God…please…please don’t stop-” Ethan begged, knowing well enough of Mark’s habits, stopping as soon as Ethan was starting to enjoy things. The older man simply chuckled in return, obliging and not faltering with his steady movements. The young brunette gave a small of bliss, allowing his head to rest back on the pillow as his eyes fluttered shut. He found himself getting lost in the wonderful feeling, one that he was so glad he had become accustomed to. “ _Shit_ -”

“God, I’ve wanted to do this to you for so long…” Mark breathed out, his voice sinfully gentle with a tone that didn’t quite match what he was saying. Ethan let out a soft whine, that same heat coiling in his stomach as he spread his legs apart further for his lover. It was almost enough to stop him from thinking straight. “Just to make you _mine_ for the entire night…and God, you look so perfect for me. Thrashing like that… _whining_ like that.” Ethan squeezed his hand tighter, resting his cheek on the pillow as he breathed steadily. He sheepishly nodded his head, although he didn’t even think there was anything to agree with. “So good for me-”

“P-Please… _faster_ ,” Ethan begged, his voice getting caught in his throat and coming out as a whine. He was enjoying every second of this. The young man could feel the sides of his heels, as well as his ankles, pressing firmly into the bed to stop his legs from trembling. The older man ignored his request, keeping the repetitive steady pace…slow and gentle. Ethan supposed he had his partner to thank for how it hadn’t hurt for long. The young man felt as the older gently squeezed his hand again, gazing up at him lovingly before withdrawing his fingers. The brunette lifted his head up from the pillow with exasperation. “Was it because I asked you to go faster?” He whined. “Is that why you’re tormenting me?” Mark chuckled softly in return, giving a playful roll of his eyes as he slipped his hands underneath the waistband of his own pants. The young man blushed sheepishly, no longer complaining as he watched his lover thoughtfully. “I guess it doesn’t matter that much…” Ethan continued shyly, biting his lip. The older man glanced at him and the younger couldn’t help but giggle breathlessly. 

“Is that so, Mr. Nestor?” Mark questioned, sitting on the edge of the bed as he started tugging his pants down. Ethan propped himself up on his elbows, giving another hesitant nod as he watched his lover. However, the older man paused, his pants reached down to about his knees before he glanced back to his partner, shifting slightly. “This part is going to hurt more than the last…” he mentioned softly, gently taking Ethan’s hand in his. The young man swallowed thickly, shifting up into a sitting position and noticing how his lover gave him a serious gaze. “And I know that you’ve probably grown tired of me repeating this, but I can’t stress this enough, treasure. Don’t feel like you’re pressured to do something because of me… _ever_. Tonight is your night, and if you just feel like curling up on the bed and falling asleep _right now_ , I’m not against that. I promised that I would never hurt you, but I don’t want to-”

Ethan leaned over, gently pressing his lips against Mark’s. The older man relaxed into his touch, the young brunette giggling before he pulled back again sheepishly. “God, you talk almost as much as I do, Mr. Fischbach,” the brunette teased, Mark giving a small smile in return. Ethan sucked in a small breath, giving a hesitant nod of his head before he lay back down, resting his head on the pillow. “I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life, Mark. I don’t care how much it hurts…it’ll go away.” The older man smiled softly, gazing at his lover affectionately. “I love you, Mark.”

Mark blushed. “I love you too, Ethan.”

“Then _love me_ ,” Ethan breathed out softly, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “Love every _inch_ of me with every inch of yourself. All of what I am is yours, so just _take me_.” The older man gave a watery smile, resting his hand gently on Ethan’s before he nodded his head. The young brunette could feel his heart beating heavily and steadily in his chest, noticing how lover sliding his pants completely down his legs, kicking them aside before working on his underwear. Ethan kept his attention to the ceiling, trying to keep his breath steady. Part of him was scared, and he couldn’t exactly deny it…but the majority of him wanted this _desperately_. He felt the bed shift again as Mark hesitantly crawled on it. Ethan propped himself up on his elbows slowly, watching as Mark sat back on his heels, admiring his lover as he lay on the bed. The young brunette blushed shyly, hardly doing anything different as hie eyes trailed down his partner’s body. His breath hitched in his throat slightly, his eyes glancing away quickly as he looked up at Mark’s eyes. He swallowed thickly. “Dear God…” was all he could manage, the older man chuckling in return. Ethan simply laid back down again, biting his lip before he hesitantly spread his legs out for the older man, sliding them up carefully.

“You are _so beautiful_ ,” Ethan heard the older man whisper. He watched sheepishly as his partner came into view, leaning over him slightly as he placed his hands on either side of Ethan. The young man gazed up at him lovingly. “How I’ve ever been blessed enough to be with you is beyond me…and I don’t think I’ll fully be able to _ever_ comprehend that.” The older man shifted, his voice gentle in attempts to calm the young brunette down, for it was obvious that he was nervous. Ethan tensed up slightly when he felt Mark’s cock pressing against his entrance. “It’s okay, treasure,” Mark continued, his voice still in a whisper as he leaned down, peppering Ethan’s shoulder with gentle kisses. “I’ve got you…I won’t let you fall…”

Ethan drew in another short breath. “Be gentle with me…” he whispered, his voice breaking. Mark pulled away from his shoulder, gazing down at his lover. His eyes said it all…God, Ethan felt so blessed. The young man let out another shaky breath before he reluctantly nodded his head. “Go…” he managed. His lover gave a small nod, biting his lip as he straightened up, gently resting his hands on Ethan’s thighs. The young brunette inhaled sharply as Mark pushed his hips forward slightly, slowly entering the younger man. God, this was much worse. The familiar burning sensation had returned, but it was more than just that. After all, Ethan could feel himself being _stretched_ open. He bit his lip sharply, his hands balling up the sheets into a tight fist as he let out the breath he had been holding in his chest. The young man could feel his eyes prickling with tears as he stared up at the ceiling. 

“I know, treasure, I know,” Mark whispered softly. The young man let out a choking noise as the older man pushed in slightly further. “I’ve got you, treasure. It’s okay.”

“It hurts…” Ethan managed, his voice breaking as he looked up at Mark weakly. The older man leaned down gently, peppering the young brunette’s neck with gentle kisses as he continued moving in slowly. “Fuck-”

Mark pulled away gently, gazing down at his partner lovingly. The older man continued pushing in slowly until he eventually bottomed out, giving his lover a sympathetic gaze. Ethan adjusted himself slowly, his breathing unsteady, almost as if he had forgotten _how_ to breathe. “You’re doing so good for me, treasure…” the older man breathed out softly, pulling out slowly. It came, of course, with the same burning pain from before. Like Ethan was being _ripped open_. He took in another deep breath, slowly reaching his left hand up to cup the right side of Mark’s face. The older man gave him the same loving gaze, pressing a gentle kiss against his partner’s wrist, pushing in the same as before. After a few seconds, Mark leaned down, returning his hands to each side of Ethan. The young man hooked his arms loosely around his lower neck, practically resting them on his shoulder. His eyes were still pooled with tears, but it didn’t quite hurt as much the steadier Mark’s thrusts became. “So _incredibly_ good for me…” Ethan wiped his eyes on Mark’s bare shoulder as he pulled himself closer. The older man groaned softly in his ear as he thrust slowly into the younger boy. God, the sounds he was making were so _sinful_ …yet _so_ heavenly. 

Soon enough, just as before, the pain had melted away to pleasure…an _intense_ pleasure that Ethan never could have even dreamed of experiencing. He rested his head back on the pillow, his back arching slightly. The young man gazed up at Mark lustfully, blinking away the tears and letting out a breathless giggle. “Holy _fuck_ …I love you so much…” Ethan whispered softly, a feeling of bliss washing over him as he felt Mark gently rest his palm on his chest. “I love you… _so much_.” Mark leaned down gently, pressing their lips together. The younger man felt himself melting against the bed before he returned the kiss hungrily, his heart skipping a beat in his chest. Hesitantly, the young brunette wrapped his legs around his lover’s lower back, his ankles crossing slightly. They continued with their open-mouthed kiss, Ethan feeling as if his heart was going to pound out of his chest as Mark thrust faster into him. “ _Mark_ -” the younger man moaned softly, his voice getting caught in his throat as he tossed his head back. His lover took the opportunity of his exposed neck to press open-mouthed kisses at the base, slightly above his collarbone. Ethan had never felt so _loved_ in his entire life. The feeling of their bodies becoming one was more than enough to make the young brunette content.

“ _Ethan_ -” The older moaned in return. Ethan’s name on his lover’s tongue sent a shiver down his spine, causing his back to arch again. He could feel his those curling, that wonderful heat returning in his stomach. Oh _God_ how he loved it. “God…it’s so easy making you fall apart.” The younger man couldn’t help but giggle breathlessly between moans. This was more than just pleasure…God, he had never felt so in love. Mark pressed his forehead gently against Ethan’s, each man being able to feel the hot breath of the other against their face as they panted. “ _God, Ethan_ -”

Ethan raked his nails down Mark’s back, the older man letting out a choked sob of a moan. The young man felt as if he was on _fire_ , but in the best way possible. He simply threw his head back, his body rocking back slightly with each thrust. The young brunette shakily reached his hand back to the headboard, pressing his palm against it to desperately stop himself from writhing. Mark pressed his hand on Ethan’s, steadying himself as he fucked his lover faster, but just as gentle as before. He wasn’t rough, and he wasn’t inconsiderate. Each thrust was loving and thoughtful. The young man could feel the consistent heat in his stomach, and from the looks of Mark…the older man was feeling it to. Ethan’s eyes watered again, but not out of pain. Every inch of him just felt _loved_ …and the feeling was almost overwhelming. He couldn’t have imagined a more special way to spend the night with his lover; Mark had taken someone so fragile from him, and Ethan had given it to him with open arms. The young man felt _pride_.

Mark gazed down at Ethan lovingly, repositioning his hand from the headboard to his lover’s chest as he fucked him steadily. The young man watched with bliss as the older trailed his hand down his body, leaning forward as his hand gently gripped the base of his cock. Ethan felt his breath hitch in his throat as Mark’s fingers trailed gently up and down his member for a few seconds before he gripped it yet again, slowly pumping his hands, a speed that didn’t quite match his thrusts. The young man didn’t dare complain, though. He bucked his hips involuntarily into his lover’s hand, shivering at the sound of his partner’s low chuckle. Ethan whined needily, feeling his lover move his hand faster, the paces of his hand and thrusts almost meeting. God, the young man could hardly take it anymore. “ _Mark_ -” he choked out, the feeling in his stomach becoming almost overwhelming, his cock twitching in his lover’s hand. He didn’t know what was going on.

“It’s okay, treasure,” Mark replied softly, keeping his thrusts steady, groaning in between words. “Fall apart for me, darling…it’s just you and me.”

Ethan felt tears pooling in his eyes again as he hesitantly hooked his arms loosely around Mark’s neck again, pressing their foreheads together gently. With a few more thrusts, Ethan felt himself being pushed over the edge. He bit his lip sharply before his mouth opened, but no sound came out. The young brunette let out a soft choking sound as he felt himself releasing on Mark’s chest. His entire body trembled and tightened, waves of pleasure washing over him. Mark pushed him through his delightful high, the feeling of the young man tightening around his cock only aiding him. Soon enough, Ethan’s breath hitched as he felt Mark cumming inside him. The young man let out a breathless sigh as he unwrapped his arms from around Mark’s neck, falling back weakly onto he pillow. He panted softly, blushing as he watched Mark lead down, peppering his chest with soft, gentle kisses.

“You did so good for me, treasure…” Mark whispered out lovingly. “ _So good_ for me.”

Ethan wiped the tears from his eyes and cheeks, nodding shakily. God, every inch of him felt amazing. _Sweaty_ , yes…but _amazing_. Mark pulled out gently, causing the young brunette to shiver and feel seemingly _empty_. “I love you…so much…” Ethan managed between breaths. “And it’s not just the lust talking…”

Mark gave a watery smile as he fell back beside his lover, curling up beside him gently. “I love…you too, Ethan,” he managed softly, pressing a gentle kiss on the back of his neck. “Forever and always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I wanted to write a little explanation as to why I wrote the smut the way that I did. Obviously, as you can see in the chapter, it’s not something you read and think to yourself ‘wow, that was hot’. I mean, if you do think that, I’m flattered, but I personally don’t think I wrote it like that. Although those were my original intentions, I’m trying to work as best as I can in the time period.
> 
> During the Victorian era, sex for the sake of pleasure wasn’t something commonly done. It was either done for reproduction or for love, which was one of the ways I displayed it in the fic. The slow pace of the chapter is meant to fit with Ethan’s first time. A common fact: anal sex is fucking painful when you first start. The first versions of modern-day lube were not invented until the early 1900s. Although vaseline had been invented in the early 1800s, it was not used for sexual purposes. Now, obviously, spit does exist (which was what was used for the fic), but pain is something that will come with it regardless, especially considering it was Ethan’s first time.
> 
> I try to take all of this into consideration when I’m writing. Making my pieces and chapters as accurate as possible, even if that means taking away from the effect is gives, has always been important to me. There wasn’t really any way for me to get around this. When multiple factors of the situation are taken into account (the loss of virginity, lack of lubrication, as well as the fact that anal sex hurts like a motherfucker), it’s hard to display the fast-paced ‘steamy’ smut scenes that readers prefer. 
> 
> The main point of this chapter was to display an intimate love that Mark and Ethan have for one another in this fic. 
> 
> This will probably be one of the only smut scenes that shows a level of discomfort in the beginning, just because it takes place during the 1800s. I know that for “Baby of Mine” there I going to be smut (most likely more than one chapter), but it takes place in modern day (obviously easier to work with). I’m not sure if I’ll be putting any smut in the Revolutionary War AU coming after “Baby of Mine”, but I’ll work with that when we get to it.
> 
> Overall, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. Thank you all so much for 200 kudos! I can't believe we reached 3000 reads! That's insane! Kudos + Comments always appreciated. God, I hope I didn’t fuck this chapter up…and I hope you’re not disappointed.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply


	28. Gentleman Of Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear God, I've been gone forever. Holy Hell, that felt amazing. Don't get me wrong, updating every day made me so incredibly happy...but I just *needed* a break. I couldn't do it. I know I said I would, but I just got so tired and frustrated with everything going on, considering finals, that I just stopped writing for a little bit. Let me tell you now, the break will NEVER be this long again. This was a one-time thing, I promise you, and I'm glad to be back after a short hiatus. My sleep schedule is fixed, and I've managed to find a way to write this without fucking it up like I was. 
> 
> And, a few more things...how do I say this...this fic is almost over. In five chapters (the estimated count) this fic will be over, and "Baby of Mine" will be started. As much as I adore this fic, I think the story has been said. The characters have evolved, they're in love, and they're happy. I don't want to ruin that.
> 
> Another thing...I'm finally revealing the *true* summary of "Baby of Mine"...in the ending notes. Whether you read the chapter or skip right to it is your choice, but I hope you like the summary and the idea behind the upcoming fic

Ethan let out a soft groan as he rolled onto his back, slowly beginning to wake up. He was drowsy, obviously, but nonetheless refreshed. The young brunette couldn’t remember the last time he had _actually_ slept that well. It must have been over two months. Sure, the cots back at where they practiced had been decent, but they weren’t exactly like the beds of his childhood home, which he hadn’t slept in over _five months_. Everything was just a series of extended statistics, but they barely made a difference. All the young man knew was that he had never felt so content as he lay in the bed, a series of blankets draped over him. He smelt like sex, he knew that well enough, but he didn’t mind. Ethan pressed back against his lover gently, feeling Mark’s warm breath against his neck as he breathed in and out peacefully. Neither of them had anywhere to be until the evening, where they would be repainting their faces and preparing for another performance. However, until then, they could do as they pleased. Even stay at the inn if they wanted to. Explore the town…Ethan hummed contently at the thought.

The young brunette giggled breathlessly as he felt the bed shift underneath him. Mark rolled onto his back, letting out a drowsy groan as he finally came to. The young man glanced over his shoulder, giving a half-smile when he realized that the older man was waking up. Reluctantly, Ethan rolled onto his back as well, humming to himself. “Good morning, sunshine,” the young brunette whispered teasingly, stifling his own laugher as he watched the older man give him a mock glance of annoyance. However, it didn’t work so well, for the brunette could hardly keep himself from laughing. Ethan shifted closer to his lover, gently resting his head on his partner’s chest. He glanced up at him affectionately, a shy smile on his lips before he let out a content sigh. The younger man felt his lover gently wrap an arm around him, holding him close within his reach. Ethan could feel nothing but joy wash over him as he lay beside Mark, listening to his partner’s heartbeat echoing in his ear, gentle and steady. These were the moments that Ethan couldn’t help but crave…the moments between performance or practice when he and Mark were just allowed to be _alone_ together; curling up beside each other and returning a loving gaze. It was all the young man could have ever wanted, and then some.

“Did you sleep well?” Ethan continued gently, his voice sincere and soft as he whispered to his partner. He leaned in closer as the older man stroked his hair gently, not yet saying anything. “ _I_ , for one, slept perfectly,” the young brunette continued, giggling breathlessly as he glanced up at his lover. “It’s been a while since I’ve slept in a bed, apart from last night…ever since I’ve left home, I haven’t really been sleeping anywhere comfortable. The side of the street…if someone was kind enough to let me inside, I would often just sleep on a rug near the fireplace. I didn’t mind it much, really. I took a nap in a carriage ride once, and the seats were slightly cushioned, so that was comfortable.” He hummed underneath his breath, glancing up at his lover and noticing the sympathetic gaze the older man was giving him. “You don’t need to give me that look,” Ethan insisted softly, shrugging off the thought before he leaned into Mark slightly. “Just tell me how you slept is all.”

“I slept wonderfully,” Mark returned softly, continuing to stroke his lover’s hair before planting a gentle kiss on his forehead. The young brunette giggled softly, smiling sweetly up at his partner, his eyes twinkling. “God, you’re so beautiful…” the older man breathed out softly, his voice so sincere that Ethan’s heart fluttered. He felt his lover stroke his cheek gently with his thumb, a glimmer of affection in his eye. The young man sighed contently, leaning into the touch of Mark’s hand. His partner held the side of Ethan’s face in his hand, their eyes meeting with a loving gaze. “So… _so_ incredibly beautiful,” Mark continued softly, whispering to him gently as if the room was filled with dozens of people wishing to hear their conversation. But Ethan could hear him nonetheless, and his eyes softened at the words. God, how he loved Mark. He loved him unconditionally; with all of his heart and with everything he was. And Mark knew that; Ethan knew that his lover knew that because every day, the older man would show just the same amount of affection for him in return. The young brunette gently rested his hand on his lover’s chest again, pulling himself closer, as if they weren’t already close enough.

“Mm, I love you,” Ethan whispered out softly, feeling Mark gently rest his own hand on top of his. The young brunette glanced up at him shyly, a sheepish smile spreading across his face as he gazed up at his lover longingly. He wanted to be able to be like this forever…so incredibly in love, and never have to worry about being ashamed when they went out in public. Right now, they didn’t have to worry about hiding anything…with the company of each other, they could just feel their bodies weaken with love as they held each other. Curled up beside Mark…Ethan felt at home…he could only feel the familiar warmth of affection and fondness that his lover endlessly showered him with. But, in a new sort of way. If anything, the young brunette liked this version of love more than he did the one at home, although he would never admit it. Ethan could feel his partner squeeze his hand gently, that same look in his eye that he had the first night they ever kissed. God, that familiar gaze was all that Ethan seemingly needed. “I’ve never loved anyone like this before…I don’t think I’ve _ever_ been in love. Every day, I am so endlessly thankful and grateful that I got to meet you; that despite everything we’ve been through, you love me just as I love you.”

“And you have _such a way_ with words,” Mark teased softly, pressing another gentle kiss against his lover’s forehead. Soft and sincere; sometimes the tender moments were the ones that the young man appreciated most. “I love you too, treasure,” he continued softly, humming underneath his breath as he gently twirled a finger through his partner’s hair, the young brunette giggling breathlessly in return. “When I first met you…the only thing I felt was annoyed and betrayed. I couldn’t think about how kindhearted you were being; I only wanted to think about how Mr. Carter had broken his promise. Usually, I hate that man…but I am _so_ incredibly thankful that he decided to take a chance on you.” The older man chuckled softly. “I was so insistent on thinking I was going to despise you upon first meeting you…I thought that every day was going to drag on painfully and I would be trapped working with someone who I dreaded.” Ethan giggled softly. “But I didn’t…I didn’t because you wouldn’t let me be upset. You just kept on showering me with affection and gentle thoughts…you taught me to fall in love for the first time; and I didn’t even get my heartbroken.”

“I would never break your heart,” Ethan promised.

“And I would never break yours,” Mark returned softly, his voice sincere. “You mean too much to me…I don’t think I could break your heart even if I _tried_ , treasure. I can never imagine a world where I’m not in love with you, or a world where I wouldn’t treat you right. You deserve absolutely nothing but love, Ethan.” The young brunette smiled sheepishly up at his lover, leaning up slowly and gently pecking his lips. His partner chuckled softly, shaking his head almost in disbelief. “And you still manage to keep me surprised, treasure. God, I can only thank my lucky stars that I was blessed with you…I couldn’t imagine what you could have possibly seen in me to think that I was worth the trouble of showing affection to. After all, being an asshole was obviously one of my talents when I met you. Snapping at you…pushing everything you said aside; just for the sake of it. I would find myself trying my hardest to ignore you, as if it was an achievement to hear your voice drowning out underneath my endless thoughts. Taunting you, mocking you, jeering at you. _Hitting you_.” Mark gave a small frown as he thought about it for a few seconds, glancing back down at his lover thoughtfully. “Whatever you saw in me…I couldn’t even see it in myself. That special something you found in me that I’m not afraid to flaunt anymore…I didn’t _know_ It was even there in me.” Ethan giggled softly.

“What did you see in me?” The older man continued softly, his voice questioning as he gazed down at Ethan curiously. “What could you have possibly seen in me that just put everything else that I had done to you aside? Hell, treasure…if I were you…” his voice trailed off as he shook his head in disbelief. Ethan thought about it for a few seconds, hardly knowing how to answer the question himself. Even the young brunette had found the entire idea foolish when he had first been introduced to the thought of truly _liking_ Mark in such a way. And, of course, it hadn’t quite made sense to him either. He too had pondered the memories of how the older man hadn’t quite exactly shown him compassion throughout their stay, or even any attempts to befriend him. Despite that, however, and the endless complaints that had been piled on top of each other…Ethan just couldn’t _help_ but like Mark. Every time the younger man had _truly_ put effort into befriending his partner…a flicker of Mark’s true side would always seemingly reveal itself. Only for a few seconds, of course, but it had happened; and, the more Ethan got to see of it…the more he wanted the older man to act like that _constantly_. Now, just being able to know that he had achieved his personal mission…it was absolutely everything.

“There was just part of you that was _sincere_ ,” Ethan mentioned in return, his voice soft as he hummed underneath his breath. He leaned into the touch of his partner stroking his hair as he continued. “If I got you talking long enough…part of you would just stop keeping up with the act you were putting on. You would drop your guard…let your walls down. You would be _you_ …the you that was loving, and the you that likes to look at the stars and talk about _destiny_.” Mark chuckled softly at the thought. “And, suddenly…everything just clicked for me; you cared _so much_ about me. Not even in a romantic way at the time…you just wanted me to be safe and you wanted to help me learn how to use the trapeze. Despite how many times I asked…and how I practically _begged_ you to allow me onto the platform, you knew well enough that I wasn’t ready yet. You gave me gentle words of encouragement throughout practices, and you always insisted that I was capable of more than I thought I was; you were right. You were always right.” Ethan smiled sheepishly, leaning up gently and pressing a soft kiss against his lover’s cheek. “And now I get to be in love with you…and it’s everything I could have ever wanted and more.”

Mark smiled sheepishly, leaning down gently and pressing his lips against Ethan’s. The younger brunette slid his hand from his lover’s chest to his shoulder, squeezing it lovingly as he felt his eyes flutter shut. The older man shifted only slightly, just so he was leaning back on his elbow and not lying completely flat on his back. The kiss wasn’t rough or rushed; it was slow… _comforting_. God, the young brunette could almost feel himself getting lost in the feeling of their lips moving in unison, Mark gently guiding his hand through his hair. Everything about the moment was just so completely _sincere_ …the way Mark held him in his arms, a soothing calm washing over Ethan as he did. It didn’t last that long, the young brunette had to admit, but he wouldn’t complain. He pulled away after a few seconds, that same loving gaze in his eyes that he just couldn’t shake. Not that he wanted to get rid of it, of course. It was an intoxicating feeling, really. Being able to love someone so deeply and know well enough in your heart that they felt the same affection in return. It was more than enough to make the young man’s heart flutter as he leaned into Mark’s touch. Part of Ethan just wanted to lay beside his lover for the rest of the day, no intention to do anything else. Of course, there would be the performance later that night…but that wasn’t for hours.

Ethan pressed his cheek gently against Mark’s chest, sighing contently. “M’not goin’ anywhere…” he breathed out softly, listening as the older man chuckled in return. The younger glanced up at him, his eyes softening. “I just wanna stay in bed _all day_ …” Ethan continued, his voice trailing off thoughtfully as he paused for a few seconds. “And I want you to hold me, and cuddle me, and whisper to me softly like you always do.” He shifted closer to Mark, craving nothing but the feeling of his lover’s skin against his. “ _Nothing more_.”

“As wonderful as that sounds, treasure,” Mark whispered in return, gently pressing a kiss against his lover’s forehead before he propped himself up on his elbows. Ethan pulled off of him hesitantly, flopping back onto the bed beside him, looking up with a mock gaze of annoyance. “I’m sure there are better ways we could be spending our time instead of laying around in bed all day. Surely we could get some practice in, hm? Just the two of us on the trapeze together? I’m sure none of the other ensemble members would be so bold as to go out and practice after a performance.” Ethan gave a half-smile before shaking his head. They both knew well enough he was sore. “Well, the _least_ we could do is get some fresh air,” Mark mentioned. He shifted on his elbows, starting to sit up, but Ethan wouldn’t allow it. He playfully wrapped his arms around the older man’s shoulders, tugging him back down.

“Mm, you can’t,” Ethan mentioned jokingly. “You’re trapped.”

Mark rolled his eyes playfully, although he leaned into the younger man’s touch. “I suppose I am,” he replied teasingly, his eyes softening as he gently ruffed his lover’s hair. Ethan giggled softly, leaning into his touch and holding him close. He let out a content sigh as he pressed his nose gently against Mark’s neck, his chin on his shoulder as he just _relaxed_. The older man glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, giving another playful roll of his eyes, but relaxing against him nevertheless. His lover continued to gently run his hand through his hair, breathing softly as he looked up at the ceiling. “You wouldn’t mind staying like this forever, huh?” Mark breathed out, somewhat teasingly, but Ethan hummed in return, nodding slightly as he peppered soft kisses against his lover’s neck. The older man hummed softly, a half-smile growing on his face. It was obvious to the young brunette that his partner wouldn’t exactly mind either, although he knew well enough the man would find an excuse to pull them from bed. “Well, at least I’m trapped with _you_ ,” he continued softly, as if he was looking on the bright side.

Ethan giggled. “Mhm,” he hummed in agreement. “For the rest of the day.”

“Treasure, we can’t just lay in bed for the rest of the day,” Mark chuckled, shaking his head playfully as the younger man let out a whine. “Treasure,” the older man repeated, stifling his laughter as he slowly propped himself up on his elbows again, Ethan still clinging to him. “No good will come from us laying in bed all day. As much as I love you, we didn’t eat dinner last night. The least we can do is get a cup of coffee from downstairs. How does that sound?” The young man couldn’t help but smile as his partner planted a soft kiss in his hair. “Maybe afterward we can go for a walk…just you and me.”

“I would like that,” Ethan murmured, not yet pulling away from the older man. Maybe if he just didn’t say anything, Mark would reluctantly give in to simply staying in bed for the rest of the day. So, the younger man bit his tongue, keeping his mouth shut as he curled up to him, pulling up the covers to his shoulder. However, he heard the older man’s soft laugher.

“Absolutely not,” Mark insisted, finally pulling himself up into a sitting position. He ruffled his lover’s hair again before giving him a humored expression. “We’ve been in bed for God knows how long, treasure. I do think the least we can do is get out of bed…you wouldn’t want to be drowsy for our performance tonight, would you?” Ethan rolled onto his back, thinking for a few seconds before hesitantly shaking his head, glancing at Mark. “That’s what I thought,” the older man continued, shifting and undraping the covers from over himself. “Now, put your suit on. The least you can do is look presentable.” His partner smiled at the younger man, the same loving gaze in his eye before he shifted off of the bed, scanning the floor for his underwear. Ethan shifted again, not yet climbing out of bed. He would wait…just a few more seconds. The young brunette glanced at his partner lovingly, watching him get dressed.

“I will _force you_ out of bed if you don’t start getting out,” Mark insisted teasingly, glancing at Ethan as he tugged his pants on.

“Turn around,” Ethan insisted, trying to stifle his laughter.

“Huh?” 

“ _Turn around_ ,” the younger man insisted, pulling the covers up a bit more. Ethan kept a straight face, leaning back on the palm of his hand. “I think it’s pretty obvious to both of us that I can’t get _dressed_ if you’re watching me. That would be embarrassing, Mr. Fischbach, and _extremely_ blasphemous. Surely you should know better.”

Mark rolled his eyes playfully. “Get up, Mr. Nestor,” he insisted. The older man reached down, grabbing Ethan’s underwear before tossing it at him. The young brunette giggled, shifting as he slid it on underneath the covers. “Now, could you swallow your pride for a few seconds and get out of bed to get dressed? Maybe, I don’t know, act like you’ve already seen me naked before. I could humor myself and pretend I’ve seen _you_ naked before too.” He chuckled softly, reaching for his button-down shirt. It was slightly wrinkled, yes, but not dirty. Worth wearing again, considering they had only worn their suits for a few minutes the previous night before practically throwing them off. Ethan reluctantly slid out of bed, grinning softly as he searched for his pants. Mark was buttoning up his shirt, humming underneath his breath as he went from bottom to top. 

The young brunette sat at the edge of the bed, working his legs into his pants as he hummed along with Mark. Ethan paused thoughtfully for a few seconds before glancing at Mark. “Last night was wonderful,” he mentioned, blinking simply as the older man turned his attention to him. Neither of them had really mentioned it throughout the entire morning; surely it wasn’t taboo. Ethan smiled shyly, not saying anything for a few seconds as he reached to the end of the bed for his shirt. “I…I couldn’t have asked for anything more, Mark.” The older man shifted his weight from one foot to the other, smiling softly. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for letting me,” Mark whispered softly. Ethan smiled up at him gently. The older man paused thoughtfully, reaching for his suspenders and adjusting them on his shoulders. “Don’t expect it to be a reoccurring theme for me to ask fo you,” the older man assured his lover. “I would never ask anything like that of you, believe me; surely if I didn’t believe you would appreciate it.” The younger brunette couldn’t help but give a watery smile from his lover’s soft, reassuring tone. “I’m not opposed to the idea of you asking, believe me…just know what you want, alright? Don’t feel like you have to be pressured into doing something because you think I want it; I don’t need you like that to survive, Ethan. Having you so faithfully by my side is more than enough to keep me content.” The young man smiled at his lover affectionately, that reoccurring sheepish gaze in his eye when he found himself incapable of saying anything in return. How the older man was able to do that to him…Ethan couldn’t even explain it to himself.

“I love being in love with you,” was all Ethan could manage, slipping his arms into the sleeves of his shirt as he pulled them all the way through. He repositioned the fabric, humming as he proceeded to start buttoning it up, just as Mark had.

“I remind myself of that constantly,” Mark cooed simply, clipping his suspenders in the front. “Treasure,” he hummed softly after a few seconds. “Could you help me with this?” The younger man glanced at his lover gently, giving a small nod as he pulled himself up from the bed. “Whenever I wore a suit, I would always have Mr. Carter help me with the suspenders,” he mentioned, cringing at the thought. “God, you’re a blessing.”

Ethan giggled. “Glad I can be of service, Mr. Fischbach,” he returned simply. The young brunette walked over to Mark, planting a small kiss on his cheek, which earned him nothing but a playful roll of his lover’s eyes in return, before he stood behind him. “You know, you’re lucky you’ve always had someone to help you with your suspenders in the first place,” the young man joked, taking the metal clip carefully as he pulled the strap down his back, humming as he looked for the best place to fasten it. Ethan hated for things to be uneven. “I had to learn to do it on my own, you know? I can’t exactly beg some poor bastard on the street to fasten the clips for me, even if I wanted to. That’s how you end up in the gutter. You learn how to twist your arms behind your back, the proper way, and fasten it on your own. It takes some getting used to, I suppose; I could teach you, if you’d like.”

“ _Or_ ,” Mark suggested, humming softly as he straightened his collar. “I could just start helping you with _your_ suspenders so you don’t have to teach me something _ridiculous_ that I’ll never have to use ever again.” Ethan rolled his eyes playfully, snapping the clasps into place before Mark turned on his heels. “I’ve got you now to do it for me,” he mentioned thoughtfully, gently pecking his partner’s lips before smiling. Ethan grinned softly, smiling at the thought. “Want me to help with yours?” 

The young man smiled. “That would be nice,” he admitted, walking back over to the bed. “Although, I can tell you truthfully that _my_ way is far faster than yours.” Mark laughed softly as he cut in front of the younger man, causing them to almost collide. He reached for Ethan’s suspenders, grinning as he turned on his heels. Ethan looked at him shyly, smiling a bit. “Do your worst,” he joked, Mark rolling his eyes in return as he placed the straps gently on his lover’s shoulders, straightening the leather and clipping the two in the front. “I don’t know about you,” the young man hummed, “but there is no way in hell I’m putting a jacket on. I don’t care how presentable it makes us look; it’s sweltering outside. I wouldn’t be caught dead out there in a jacket. How anyone can walk around in this town like that is beyond me.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Mark teased, gently moving behind his partner and pulling the straps over his shoulders. He hummed softly, fastening the clip in the back before giving a small hum of approval. “Like a proper gentleman, I might add,” he mentioned, playfully wrapping his arms around his lover’s waist, leaning down gently and resting his chin on Ethan’s shoulder. The younger man blushed shyly, leaning back into his touch, his body seemingly melting against Mark’s. The older man gently peppered his lover’s neck with gentle kisses, holding him close as he felt Ethan’s back press against his chest. The young man smiled softly, turning his head slightly over his shoulder to glance back at his lover.Mark met him halfway, pecking his lips gently. “Now,” he stated softly, his voice hushed, “I think we can both agree that this way is better.”

Ethan giggled softly. He wrapped his arms around himself, meaning they rested gently on Mark’s arms just the same. “Mhm,” he hummed in return, his eyes flickering with soft affection as he felt the older man press a gentle kiss against his cheek. “It’s a feeling I could get used to.” The older man chuckled softly, the young brunette shivering slightly against his touch as Mark rested his hands on his waist, gently trailing them down to his hips. Ethan allowed the older man to rest his hands firmly on his hips, holding him close. “I love you…” the young man breathed out gently, reminding his lover for what seemed to be almost the hundredth time, but he could hardly help himself. It just felt _sinful_ not saying it every passing minute. “And I say it now because I know well enough I won’t be able to when we’re downstairs; and I just want you to know.” Mark’s grip loosened on him as he hooked his arms around his lover’s waist again.

“I love you more,” Mark whispered softly, pressing a gentle kiss on his cheek before pulling away. “Now, come on. Let’s get coffee.” Ethan grinned as he turned on his heels, gazing at his partner lovingly before nodding his head in agreement. The older man reached out his hand gently. “I can at least hold your hand for a few seconds in the hallway,” he mentioned. The two men could only assume that no one would be around. Ethan gave a sheepish smile, accepting the older man’s offer as he reached for Mark’s hand, realizing how perfectly his fit in his partner’s. The older brunette smiled, giving it a gentle, _loving_ squeeze as he lead him over to the door. The young man followed after him happily, his heart lifting contently in his chest with every step he took. Mark reached for the key to the room, which he had tossed onto the bed, and he unlocked the door. Ethan leaned on him gently, the same loving gaze in his eye only due to the fact that being _close_ to Mark was enough to make him wild. The older man chuckled, squeezing his lover’s hand again before he opened the door, gesturing for Ethan to exit first. 

“Such a gentleman,” Ethan teased gently, giggling softly as he slipped out of the room. Mark wore a goofy smile as he exited after him.

“So I’ve been told,” he returned jokingly, locking the door behind him before slipping the key away in the pocket of his pants. Ethan grinned, running a hand through his hair to straighten it, since he was sure it was messy as hell. “Maybe we should have stayed in another second to see if we didn’t look like we had _truly_ just rolled out of bed,” Mark continued, smiling himself as he ran a hand through his own hair, doing the same as his lover. Ethan couldn’t help but laugh softly as he lead Mark over toward the staircase. There were only three stories to the inn, and they were on the second, which meant there was only a flight of stairs separating the hallway from the tavern below. The older brunette squeezed his lover’s hand thoughtfully for a final time before he released it, giving him a sympathetic glance. Ethan gave a curt nod in understanding. He couldn’t complain about the lack of touch. They both knew well enough that holding hands while walking downstairs wouldn’t exactly be the best way to be spotted by people.

Ethan gave his lover a final kiss on the cheek before he gestured for Mark to start down the flight of stairs before him. His partner grinned, gripping the banister before he started his descent. Ethan waited a second before following after him cheerfully, an obvious smile on his face as he caught up to his lover. The younger man glanced around, humming softly as he read the aura of the tavern. Quite frankly, the tavern bar reminded him of a saloon. An umber wood bar engraved with intricate hickory molding on the edges, snaking down the corners with swirls. Obsidian black barstools sat adjacent to each other, in front of the bar, each one identical to each other. A few of the seats had already been filled in with both inn members and those who were looking for a drink, whether it be coffee, water, or straight alcohol; although, Ethan couldn’t fathom the concept of drinking whiskey so early in the morning. Nevertheless, he didn’t question anything that occurred around him, for he knew well enough that sticking his nose into things would only get him in trouble. The younger man hesitantly glanced at Mark, who gave a quick gesture of his head, meaning that the brunette was to follow after him.

Ethan nodded in return, trailing behind his lover as he was lead over to the bar. The brunette glanced over his shoulder, to his right, as he sat down, Mark sitting on his left side. The young man noticed a man at the opposite end of the bar, swirling a crystal glass gently with a familiar amber liquid that Ethan knew well enough about. Whiskey; the only drink with an appearance so much softer and enticing than the harsh swallow. The young brunette focused his attention away within the next second. Even his mother had advised him that it was rude to stare at people for too long. People who caught you staring always seemed to assume that you were looking for trouble; that was the last thing Ethan was looking for. So, he kept his mouth shut, sitting beside Mark awkwardly, the bartender glancing at them.

Ethan’s eyes were quickly redirected from something else. It was a habit of his, of course. He wasn’t good at focusing on things that he didn’t truly _need_ to be focusing on. The sound of Mark ordering the two of them coffee was drowned out by his own thoughts, although he didn’t have anything to think about in particular. He knew that he would enjoy taking a walk with Mark after they had coffee. There didn’t seem as if there was anything _exciting_ to do in the town, apart from the circus performances themselves…Ethan didn’t mind though. Just having the company of his lover beside him was more than enough to keep his heart content. Hell, they could lay down in the grass for hours if they wanted to, possibly holding hands as they watched the clouds roll by…Ethan would hardly complain and would hardly grow bored. Having someone so loved for company…it was an indescribable feeling.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Ethan heard his lover breathe out. The young brunette snapped out of whatever trance he was in, glancing his head over his left shoulder as he redirected his attention to his partner. The older brunette was holding a newspaper loosely in his grasp, his eyes flickering with amusement and a pure look of excitement. Ethan couldn’t quite see what he was looking at, and he didn’t want the situation in the bar to become _awkward_ if he leaned on his shoulder, so he stayed where he was, attempting to read the look of Mark’s face instead. The older man’s mouth opened and closed, almost as if he couldn’t find the words to describe what I was thinking. The younger brunette found himself sitting on the edge of the seat. “I can’t _believe it_ ,” the older man exclaimed, soft laughter escaping as he practically shoved the newspaper into his lover’s arms, gesturing for Ethan to look at it. “Get a load of that, t-, Ethan.” The older man cleared his throat, humming softly as he watched the younger brunette hesitantly glance down to the paper.

The first thing Ethan noticed was the headline.

**_The Act That Left The Audience Praying_ **

Ethan cocked an eyebrow, glancing at his lover, who gestured for him to look at the picture. The young man smiled, glancing back down at the newspaper, his eyes widening slightly, his heart even skipping a beat. Sure enough…the picture was of them standing next to each other; dressed in their costume from the previous night, paint adorning their face and arms. It wasn’t exactly a clear shot, meaning that whoever took it wasn’t standing in front of them…but it was then nevertheless. God, the only thing Ethan wanted to do that very second was _kiss_ Mark, he was so excited…but he wouldn’t. Instead, the young man looked at the article thoughtfully, the words all jumbled together. He gave a weak smile. Ethan couldn’t read that, he knew it well enough. The text was too small…and the words were too close together. The paragraph seemed as if it dragged on forever. Even if he _attempted_ to read it, he assumed he would only get caught up in the first sentence. Ethan was never good at reading the newspaper…just because his name was in it, wouldn’t make a difference.

“Aren’t you going to read it?” Mark questioned, gesturing his head to the article. 

Ethan sighed softly before shaking his head. “I wish I could, really,” he assured his lover, his eyes scanning down the length of the article. God, it took up the entire front page. The brunette was sure that his name was mentioned dozens of times in there, which without a doubt had been supplied by Mr. Carter…but he couldn’t read it. “You know how I am with reading things, Mark. I _can’t_. God, it’s as if they make the newspaper impossible to read on _purpose_. And of all times for me to want to read a newspaper…when my _name_ is mentioned in it.”

“Sure you can,” Mark reassured him, giving a sympathetic smile. “Read it to me. I don’t know what it says yet, and I want _you_ to read it to me.

“It’s really not that simple,” Ethan insisted, giving another shake of his head. “I would pause on too many of the words, and I would be mispronouncing things like crazy. God, I could mispronounce my own name, that’s how awful it is.” Mark chuckled softly. Their coffee was placed in front of them. “Besides, you can read it much faster.”

“Well, I don’t want to read it,” the older man replied, reaching for the porcelain cup that had been placed in front of him. Mark hummed thoughtfully to himself, taking a small sip of coffee as he didn’t break his gaze with his lover. “As you can see, Mr. Nestor, my hands are quite occupied. If you could read the article for me, that would be most appreciated.” He took another sip. “Besides, Ethan,” he continued softly, “we have all day. I don’t care how long it takes you.”

Ethan smiled sheepishly, hesitantly biting his lip before he gave a small nod of his head. “Okay,” the young brunette whispered softly, shrugging his shoulders. “But believe me, I’m going to mess up.” Mark chuckled softly, taking another sip of coffee as his lover started to read to him. And for once, the room was calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Official Summary for "Baby of Mine":
> 
> Ethan is just a simple ‘fresh out of college’ kid…if you could even call him that. After all, he’s sure it doesn’t count considering he was kicked out. After landing a job at a daycare three months ago, Ethan is just looking to find somewhere he belongs, all while battling an eating-disorder.
> 
> Mark is hardly the perfect image of the American dream. Living in an apartment as a single father and dropping his daughter off at daycare every morning just so he can work to barely make an income isn’t what he imagined he would become. All Mark is looking for is someone who can love both him and his daughter.
> 
> Although the two hardly know it yet, they both will find themselves the mysterious answer to the other’s equation. Who knew love could be so confusing?
> 
> §----§
> 
> There it is guys! The official summary has finally been released! I hope you guys are as excited as I am, because I am through the roof with excitement.  
> If you didn't already know, "Fifty Feet in the Air" is officially the LONGEST Mark/Ethan fic, surpassing 110k words. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you haven't seen anything yet. "Baby of Mine" will hopefully top "Fifty Feet in the Air" with new, more descriptive paragraphs. Longer chapters, longer fics, longer slow-burns.
> 
> As always, thank you guys for all your support! Kudos + Comments are /always/ appreciated. 
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply!
> 
> (Boy is it good to be back)


	29. Fifty Feet From The Air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four more chapters left.

Time was always something that Ethan could never fully understand. Just the way that it was confused him, and even when he looked deeper into it…he could never find a greater meaning to it. The young brunette had always found it unusual how painful moments of his past had seemingly lasted for almost an eternity, overtaking and burdening every single part of him; heavily haunting his memories every waking day if he thought about them for too long, something that would bring him sick to his stomach when he remembered his past. It was funny how time dragged on like that, forcing a willer to think back…having the ability to make them _shudder_ when they remembered their actions, or something they could have done differently. Of course, those thoughts themselves haunted Ethan more than he wished to admit. He would often find himself thinking of his parents…what he could have possibly done to save them from six feet under. What he could have done to buy more medication, or to possibly get a doctor that could _help_ them instead of telling them to turn to the church. What he could have done to spend the little time he had left with them, now knowing that wasting the seconds away would bring no good to him. What the young man could have done when he was a child, toddling around the hallways. Oh, how he would have enjoyed it. Part of Ethan would have done anything to go back to those fond moments…when time was meaningless.

Ethan always found it interesting how the greatest moments in a person’s history were the ones that went by the quickest. Agony that lasted a few seconds would seemingly last for hours, but great joy for hours found by someone would seem to last only a few seconds. It was taunting, almost. It was as if time was practically begging the willer to find the most painful memories in their lifetime, just so they could experience life _longer_. The young brunette knew well enough that it didn’t work like that, but part of him would always question it thoughtfully. All of the wonderful memories Ethan had made throughout his life, although there didn’t seem to be many of them, were the ones that would make his heart content. The ones that would fill him with joy…no matter where he was or what he was doing. Those moments in history, now seemingly frozen in time for simple fragments of a life, were the ones that could lift his heart, along with his mood. Simple things. The memories didn’t have to be anything extraordinary for Ethan to appreciate them. In fact, it seemed as if even the smallest of memories were the ones that the young man could appreciate the most, for he knew well enough that the little moment had brought _so much_ happiness to him when he was a child…when he was a child and he didn’t know any better about anything.

Running through the halls as a child was always a memory he admired. Dragging his fingertips against the wallpaper, even when his mother told him not to, because he loved the coarse texture against his palm. Sitting out in the front yard to watch people walk by, waving at them happily without a care in the world because he knew well enough that they would wave back. Climbing up to the roof when his parents weren’t home, just so he could look up at the stars, his hands underneath his head as he lay there simply. Ethan was sure now that it was enough to frighten the neighbors, but he hadn’t minded at the time. Of course, there was always helping his mother cook in the kitchen…assisting his father with shining his shoes. Little things that he had _hated_ as a child now seemed to reappear as moments he would long to grasp for again. Oh, how he would do anything just to sit on the floor beside his father, an old rag in his hand as he helped shine his father’s shoes. Ethan had once found it pointless…and, although he _still_ found it pointless, he wanted the moment back. Just so he could see his father again. Just so his father could pat him on the shoulder, telling him he was doing a great job, and that he could be a ‘professional’ if he wanted to. Ethan would find himself laughing sadly at the thought from time to time.

But moments from his childhood weren’t the only moments that brought him excitement. Memories of only a few months ago would send his heart racing contently. He remembered when he first met Mark. A fragment of time that had once been so painful and frightening for him was now a moment that he would never forget. Ethan still remembered how annoyed and angry Mark had been, but that wasn’t what the young man liked to remember. The young brunette could only recall how truly _stunning_ the older man had been, and how he himself knew he would do anything to impress him…even if it wasn’t romantically at the time. He didn’t think about how Mark had snapped at him, or how Mark would have done anything to get him to shut up. Ethan liked to think about the side of Mark that slowly deteriorated as the two men grew to know and understand each other more than they would have originally thought. The young man didn’t remember the painful, awkward seconds that had been spent between them on the train ride. He only thought about how they had watched the stars together, and how Ethan saw the true side of Mark for the very first time in his life. It was from that moment that the young brunette had been so adamant about winning over his partner’s affection…even if it had only been only in a friendly manner at the time.

Ethan remembered the time when Mark had first kissed him…when the young brunette had just melted into his touch and yearned to be held in his arms. The young man had been nearly frightened the entire time, of course, and confused above all things…but he adored every second of it. The feeling was now something the young brunette had become accustomed to; his lips moving gently with Mark’s…his lover’s hands either gripping his hips or his arms around his waist. Just the gentle touch of his partner’s hand on his shoulder was enough to make him content, and they both knew it well enough. Whenever Ethan was upset, he wound find himself simply leaning on Mark for comfort, even if it didn’t seem to be a loving fashion. Just pressing his shoulder gently against Mark’s…a smile on his face and a knowing gaze in his eye, because they both understood why he was doing it. It was something he could do often, even in public, because no one batted an eye if it was just their _shoulders_. It was a feeling that made the young brunette proud, especially knowing he could get away with it.

Ethan remembered the first time he had perfected his flip on the trapeze. He could recall the feeling of his net beneath his back, something that almost seemed like a lost memory in the back of his mind, fading as the days went on. Ethan couldn’t remember the last time he had fallen from such a height…even if he had, he wouldn’t have landed on a net. He would land in the rough surface of the arena…and that would most likely be the last thing he would feel before ultimately dying. Ethan didn’t think about that though when he was in the air…all he thought about was the familiar feeling of Mark’s hands in his. Every time he was in the air, the only thing on his mind was the memories of past performances…how he had felt like he was flying, only to be caught in his lover’s affectionate grasp. The steady cycle of the routine never faltered; Ethan had memorized the entire performance by heart at that point. He knew exactly when to jump, exactly when to hoist himself up, and exactly how to turn to get the perfect response from the audience. And God, they ate it up every time. No matter where they went, and no matter who was in the crowd, they would receive the same amount of awe as the last performance. The young brunette absolutely lived for it. That was all he could find himself thinking about half the time. 

And of course, the night the young brunette could hardly forget. The feeling of pure bliss and love he had experienced with Mark that night in the inn…where he had given every bit of himself to his lover, vulnerably and shyly. His partner had loved every inch of him with every inch of himself, and had finally taken the last thing Ethan had to offer to him. The young man still smiled back to the thought of how gentle his lover had been. The soft kisses he had trailed down his body, and the gentle touch of his hand on his arm or his shoulder; never forceful. There had been a similar occurrence, one that Ethan had appreciated just as much as the first, but it wasn’t something often. The young brunette didn’t want it to become a routine recreation, either. Being able to be loved by Mark in that way…it was special. Wasting it away every day wouldn’t make it mean the same thing anymore, Ethan knew that well enough, so he would enjoy the scattered days where it was acceptable, although the pain would be just the same as the first. Ethan knew he might not have been able to take Mark’s…but he didn’t care. That wasn’t what mattered. In fact, even in a small way…he _had_. The older brunette always complained that his true first time wasn’t anything special…Ethan liked to think that it didn’t even count.

And, of course, with every performance came the same loving affection from Mark. Gentle kisses as he painted his lover’s face with a variety of shades to match their costumes. Spirals and vines that seemingly snaked up his arms, with stripes that traced over his cheekbones and eyelids. Dots underneath his eyes, slightly above his cheekbones, and down the side of his face. Affectionate gazes shared between them as they got ready for each performance, more excited than the last because just being able to do this together was more than enough to make the pair happy. All Ethan needed in his life was Mark…and, of course, it didn’t exactly hurt that he got to do what he loved. As always, they would get ready together, perform together, and go back to whatever inn they were staying in, in whatever town they traveled to…and they would sleep beside each other. Despite doing it every night, Ethan still learned to savor the feeling of his partner’s arms wrapped around him, holding him close. The young brunette still craved the soft, warm breath of his lover against his neck as they slept. He enjoyed being able to roll over onto his back, whispering out a ‘good morning’ to Mark as he slept, before he would rest his head on his chest and would be greeted by soft kisses placed gently in his hair. He would be greeted by a content sigh, his partner raking his hand slowly through his hair, ruffling it jokingly. And, of course, Ethan would always smile as he looked up at Mark with that same, _loving_ gaze…he hardly needed to say anything for his lover to understand what he was thinking. Of course, he would always share what was on his mind nevertheless, which always ended up being how much he loved Mark.

The day would be filled strolls through the town, Mark itching to get to the outskirts just so he could hold Ethan’s hand again. They would find themselves lying in the grass in whatever field they could find, even if it was a clearing in a nearby forest. The two would simply lay on their backs, looking up at the sky with such a content gaze as they watched the clouds roll by. Ethan would outstretch his arm, pointing up at one and insisting that it looked like a horse, to which Mark would playfully punch him in the shoulder and disagree, always calling him ‘treasure’ to remind his lover that he wasn’t being serious. Even out in the grass, the young man would find himself curled up beside his lover, who would wrap an arm around him in a loving fashion. Whenever Mark whispered sweet nothings into his ear, the young brunette would find himself melting against his partner, his body going weak with affection. Their hearts would beat steadily together as Ethan would rest his heady gently on his partner’s chest, listening to his heartbeat echoing in his ear. The young brunette would just breathe softly, not a care in the world because he knew no one would be able to see them…he knew that they were as good as alone in the world whenever they were together. Of course, the young man would celebrate that feeling. 

Their first performance had been three months ago. That was the funny think about time…it seemed as if, to Ethan, that it had only been a week ago. In his mind, he had first performed only a week ago, and he had first flown through the air without a net below him on that day. Of course, that wasn’t the case. By now, they had already been to over five towns…they had seen over a thousand people come to their performance, and Ethan could remember seeing himself in the paper at least three times. Always with Mark by his side. It was an amazing feeling. Being able to look down at himself in the newspaper and know well enough that he had truly done something special to deserve the front page. Of course, reading it always came with trouble; Ethan hadn’t quite mastered the technique of reading a newspaper, considering it wasn’t something that came naturally to him. Often times, the young brunette would insist that his partner read it for him, which Mark was more than often willing to do. Of course, there were always the times where the older man would _insist_ Ethan try it on his own; the young brunette would always comply, of course, although he would often stumble over a few of the words. Mark always seemed to be proud of him nevertheless, though. Gentle words of praise and encouragement would always follow whenever he finished a paragraph of the article, even if it was short.

Ethan had been beside Mark for five months at that point. He had smiled with him, laughed with him, performed with him, and slept beside him. The only thing that ever seemed to fill his mind throughout the day was his lover, and the way his eyes would flicker whenever their gaze collided. The young brunette could only hope that on one else had noticed, of course. That would only entail the worst, and Ethan could never let anyone know. Mark had made a better point of what he referred to Ethan as in public; ‘treasure’ was something often done when they were alone, and the older man had learned how to bite his tongue to keep silent from saying it when they weren’t alone together. Ethan had soon enough found a nickname of his own for his lover: ‘darling’. Something simple, of course, but he found the term fitting to describe Mark. After all, his partner _was_ darling.

But none of that mattered at the moment. Ethan was once again reminded of what his lover had taught him…what his partner had told him to do whenever they were performing. Think only of the matter at hand…think only of starting the performance and landing the first flip. Don’t think about how high up they were, or how there was no net below them, or anything else that could lead to their bodies tensing up instead of relaxing, which only made everything, including the routine, more difficult to do. Ethan had noticed himself that Mark seemed a little on-edge for the performance, although the young brunette couldn’t understand why. Surely he had gotten over himself, though, because Ethan now found himself standing on a platform, something he had bee doing nearly every day for the past three months. Climbing up a ladder fifty feet into the air, standing beside Sean as the Irish man reached out to grab the trapeze bar for him. It was something that the young brunette had become accustomed to; chalking up his hands and clapping them together gently afterword, allowing the excess to flutter down to the ground below. Standing proudly on the platform as he gripped the bar with both hands, watching eagerly and waiting for the perfect time to jump and swing forward. Ethan took a deep breath, his heart racing heavily in his chest, but that wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary. It was something that happened every time they performed, and it was something the young man was sure would stick with him forever…no matter how many times they performed. Ethan trusted the process, of course, just as much as he trusted his partner. The older man swung back and forth, as he always did, his arms outstretched, although he wore an uncomfortable expression.

Ethan swallowed thickly, gripping the bar steadily as he glanced down to the audience out of the corner of his eye, noticing how they were all sitting at the edge of their seats. He couldn’t help but smile. No matter how many times he looked down at the audience, he would always feel the same sense of pride flowing through his veins and washing over him. He glanced over his right shoulder at Sean, who gave him a reassuring grin. It was something the Irish man always did, almost as a way to comfort Ethan and calm his nerves before the start of the routine. Ethan was quick to focus his attention back to Mark, though, for he knew well enough they had a show to start. He waited patiently, his feet at the edge of the platform as he steadied himself, getting ready for the perfect moment to leap. Not late and not too soon…the timing had to be exact. Ethan, however, had perfected the art of waiting for the right time. After three months of doing the same thing, he knew what position his lover would be in, and how far back they would be before he leapt. The mere thought of it was seemingly instinct.

“Here goes nothing…” Ethan breathed out gently, taking a deep breath before hopping off of the platform, the bar held steadily in his hands as he swung forward. He gave a small smile, the familiar feeling of the wind in his face. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Ethan held his breath as he allowed himself to let go of the trapeze swing, his heart in his throat as he flipped forward. A smile of bliss was plastered on his face, his body moving through the air as he leapt forward…God, he felt like he was flying. It was wonderful. Of course, he opened his eyes as soon as he was prepared to land, gripping Mark’s hands. He loosened his grip slightly, as he always did, because he knew Mark would be prepared to toss him up for the next part of their routine. Ethan looked up at his lover as he swung, but his heart sunk in his chest. Mark’s eyes were filled with concern, his grip tightening. His hands felt slippery again Ethan’s. The young man’s heart skipped a beat in his chest, his body tensing up slightly…God, Mark’s eyes were filled with such agony. 

“Darling?” Ethan breathed out. Mark’s eyes filled with a panic that the younger brunette had never seen before. All of a sudden, the young man felt himself slipping from his lover’s grasp, despite Mark’s desperate attempts to reach out for him. Ethan’s eyes filled with a similar panic as he found himself _plummeting_. And God, everything hit him at once. Not the ground…the memories. Flooding back. His life flashed before his eyes. Kissing Mark, loving Mark, running through the halls of a child. Laying in the grass beside his lover as they looked up at the clouds. All at once, everything flooded his brain, his arms outstretched weakly as he fell.

The young man passed out before he hit the ground.

He had fallen from fifty feet in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your relentless support. For the first time in the history of "Fifty Feet in the Air", you will receive a chapter from Mark's point of view next.  
> Sorry to leave you on the edge of your seats. I suppose that's what I do best
> 
> Kudos + Comments appreciated.
> 
> What would you like to see from me in the future? I always like to have two book ideas lined up afterward, and "Baby of Mine" is coming up soon. I have a Revolutionary War AU being plotted ou currently.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply
> 
> P.S.  
> Remember, readers. I would put in a warning if a main character died.


	30. Till Death Do Us Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three more chapters left.

Mark hummed softly, glancing at Natalie Marie as she stood beside him, still holding the trapeze swing. The older man took a steady breath, arching his back slightly as he stared across the way at his lover. Ethan was standing beside Sean, who held the trapeze swing just the same. The crowd was so silent that one could hear a pin drop. It was always like that during the beginning of performances, particularly the trapeze routine. It was almost as if the crowd truly believed that speaking would throw them off of their game, and that they would truly plummet fifty feet to the ground if any of them dared to utter a word. Of course, they were always clapping during the middle of the routine regardless, which was something that both Mark and his partner had become accustomed to, so he supposed they always got over themselves enough to applaud. That was the funny thing about the crowd, he supposed, although he never mentioned it to Ethan. The older man took another deep breath. He was more nervous about this performance than others, and he didn’t exactly know why. Mark had been agitated ever since they arrived in the town, which was another feeling that came without explanation. He didn’t know _why_ he wasn’t enjoying himself. Everything that he did in every other town was repeated in the same way, with hardly anything being altered. There wasn’t a _reason_ for him to not be enjoying himself while he was there.

Most days went by the same. He would wake up beside his lover, feeling the young brunette’s head resting gently on his chest as he breathed softly. Ethan would more often than not be awake at that point, curled up beside him. The older man would always press a gentle kiss into his hair, ruffling it playfully as he found himself waking up. The mornings always came with a tender, loving kiss. Their hands would intertwine as they just lay beside each other, breathing softly and staring up at the ceiling, never fully comprehending how the two of them had been so lucky as to have been blessed with each other. Mark would repeat a long train of ‘I love you’s, whispering sweet nothings into his partner’s ear. His heart would always be filled with such content, and the day would have hardly started at that point. Of course, all the older man needed to e happy was his lover beside him when he woke up. Each day seemingly brought the same thing, of course. Circus life never really provided change. They would always get dressed, and would walk down from whatever inn they were at to get coffee and something small to eat. Often times, the inn provided a tavern, although Mark didn’t mind walking to a saloon with his lover when there wasn’t. They would sit beside each other, that same affectionate gaze in their eyes as they ordered coffee and talked about the previous performance from the night before.

Mark would occasionally find a copy of the daily newspaper, and would sit across from his lover. Most of the time, he would read the front page himself, occasionally glancing up from the newspaper to look across at his lover, who sipped attentively at his coffee. The older man would always smile, his heart fluttering at the mere sight of his lover before he would continue reading. More often than not, it would be about the circus. Ethan and Mark weren’t _always_ featured, although their names would frequently be mentioned. His partner, of course, was always excited whenever a picture of them was included. They were often recycled pictures when they jumped from town to town, because not all reporters could afford the luxury of a camera, but Ethan appreciated them nevertheless. It was wonderful for the older man to see his lover so happily…Mark knew well enough that this experience was everything Ethan had dreamed of. Being able to have his name in the paper. Being able to have people in the town look at him the day after a performance and congratulate him on the routine, and get excited that he was even there because they had heard word of his trapeze skills from a friend. Ethan would always beam brightly from praise, leaning on Mark as if to tell him that he deserved the same. The older man would simply smile, always finding time to give his lover praise on his own.

The days were filled with just a rush of love that would always wash over Mark. Ethan and he would seemingly run away together, just for the days and escape to the outskirts of whatever town they were in. They would lay beside each other in a clear field, breathing in the scent of flowers that wafted through the air, listening as birds chirped and the wind blew through the grass. Mark would lay down, the grass parting with his body as Ethan lay down beside him. His lover would rest his head gently on his chest, just like he did when he woke up in the morning, and the two would breathe peacefully as they watched the clouds roll by together. More often than not, the older man would wrap an arm around his lover’s shoulder, feeling the young brunette melting into his side and breathing gently against his neck. The two could often find themselves rolling over in the grass, Ethan straddling Mark’s hips as he leaned down, their lips moving together gently and tenderly, their hearts meeting with a steady beat. The older man would run his hands lovingly down his partner’s back, smiling into this kiss more than half the time. Being in love with Ethan just made him _so_ incredibly happy. He could never seem to contain the excitement he had whenever he glanced at him, and the way the young brunette made his heart flutter without even _doing anything_ was indescribable. Being with Ethan was like heaven on Earth…ever _single day_. The feeling of affection never faltered.

That was, of course, until Mr. Carter comforted him about the rumors that even Mark himself hadn’t known. Apparently, among a few of the towns they had visited, citizens were starting to claim that the chemistry Ethan and he had was more than just platonic…that not even the closest of friends looked at each other the way Ethan looked at Mark. Of course, everyone they said was correct. The comments the people had supposedly made about how the older man wrapped his arm around his lover’s shoulder, and how he would triumphantly grab his hand and raise their intertwined fingers in the air proudly whenever their routine was finished. It was something that could be easily passed off as friendly, sure, but members of the audience didn’t seem to be so sure themselves. According to Mr. Carter, there was always a small group of people in the audience of hundreds that claimed what Ethan and Mark were doing was blasphemous. That the chemistry the two held was inexplainable as a friendship, and that they would be condemned if the routine continued as such. That was why Mr. Carter had pulled him aside only a week ago…he himself had heard the rumors. 

Of course, Mark had denied everything. He couldn’t let then know. Even when being confronted with the truth, he would deny it for eternity. Even if the older man were to be caught kissing Ethan, he would deny their relationship. So, just the same, Mark insisted that they were wrong. He insisted that loving a man was blasphemous, and that their accusations were just false claims to tarnish the steady reputation of their performances because they were envious of the revenue the circus had been accumulating compared to local entertainment. A strong, fair argument of course. Mark had stated clearly that every man and woman who made such claims were just money-hungry scums of the earth who were reaching desperately to find a reason to have their performances canceled, all for their own self-gain. It hurt the older man to say such things, of course, considering that the select few who had realized the more-than-coincidences were correct…but he wouldn’t risk losing Ethan because the truth was starting to be revealed. They had no evidence to support when they said, even if they wanted to bring it to public view. Mr. Carter had, of course, agreed with everything that Mark blurted out in his own defense. He continued himself by saying that a public statement would come soon afterward, and that he wouldn’t allow their reputation to be sullied by such false and unjustly blasphemous claims. 

Mark had found himself holding his breath the entire time, his heart racing in his chest as he had listened to Mr. Carter ramble on. And, eventually, a statement had been placed in the paper. Oh, how could Mark forget it?  **_Traveling Circus Denies Homosexual Couple: The Townsfolk are to Blame_ ** . Mark had been sure not to allow Ethan to read it for himself, and he had instead tucked the newspaper away so he wouldn’t find it. He knew well enough that panic would ensue in the young brunette if he discovered the talk. Of course, that wasn’t the only newspaper that had been published. People across the country had instituted papers of their own, defending the circus of course. 

**_Walter Carter Takes a Stand Against False Blasphemous Claims.  
The Carter Traveling Circus Will Never Fall  
The Traveling Circus Free From Homosexual Tendencies Gains Popularity After Sudden Scandal  
Ethan Nestor and Mark Fischbach: The Closest Friendship America Has Ever Seen  
Victory Bells over Wedding Bells: Walter Carter Defends Traveling Circus, and You Should Too  
The Carter Traveling Circus: Friendship Like You’ve Never Seen Before  
Traveling Circus Takes America By A Storm After Homosexual Claims Arise  
Pennsylvania Politician Defends The Friendship of Mark Fischbach and Ethan Nestor_ **

And, of course, those were just to name a few. They had been spread across America, and Mr. Carter would always proudly announce to Mark whenever he found a new one being published. The supposed ‘scandal’ they had faced was more than enough for them to gain popularity, of course, with Mr. Carter insisting that people were starting to come for the performances just to see the ‘closest friendship in America’. That was what Mark and Ethan were now known for…fighting back against claims of homosexuality by representing how close friendship could truly mean. The older man wouldn’t let Ethan know it, though. He wouldn’t let him know that something had surfaced, even after everything was over. Letting him know would ruin everything they had worked so hard to hide; Ethan would panic, and it would just make the scandals start to arise again. Despite the countless newspapers that were being published about them, the older man tried his best to ignore everything. Nothing like this had ever happened to him before in the history of him being in The Carter Traveling Circus. No scandals had ever arisen that shed light on a subject that the older man himself hardly wanted to touch on. Surely nothing worthy of a newspaper article, of course, and hardly worth the attention of the country. He didn’t even know if their situation _was_ worth the attention of almost every state…he supposed maybe. Homosexuality in a circus wasn’t uncommon, surprisingly. It was often where most homosexuals would turn to when expressing themselves, but Mr. Carter had made a point of never allowing anyone like that into his circus. He claimed it made for a poor reputation, which wasn’t exactly false. Mark knew well enough he would be kicked from the circus without a second thought if Mr. Carter discovered the truth about him. He couldn’t have that happen.

Ethan was bound to his contract, regardless of whether or not Mr. Carter uncovered his sexuality. If Mark was kicked out, he would have to leave…and he would never be sure of seeing his lover again. The older man couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let himself be taken away from the one person in the world who he loved…the one person in the world who never gave a second thought about loving _him_. The two of them had been through everything together…and Mark wasn’t going to let the younger man slip out of his grasp if he were to be forced to leave. The older man would never allow that to happen to his lover. He didn’t care how many times he had to lie, and he didn’t care how many people he would use as a scapegoat for his homosexuality. Mark would never admit to a single rumor that was thrown at him mercilessly. He wouldn’t wear his sexuality on his shoulder, and he would never drop everything just to give in to the accusations. No. Never. He wouldn’t allow the audience to see him crumble like that…he wouldn’t throw everything he ever knew and the only person he ever loved away just so the rumors would finally be answered. Mark didn’t care how many newspapers he had to hide from Ethan. He wanted everything in his life to remain the same, and he wasn’t going to allow a select few members of the audience to fuck everything up like they were trying to. 

They were at the final town of their traveling tour before they returned to where they practiced. However, Mark found himself slipping into horrible habits; the only thing he seemed to have on his mind was the rumors and how he could deny them. They were starting to die down now, and had almost completely faded, but he found himself relentlessly pondering what would happen if they resurfaced. The older man grew forgetful, his thoughts centered around the matter at hand. Of course, this lead to only habits that he hadn’t quite gotten rid of. Small things, of course. Forgetting to do things. Some of them were more minor acts of forgetfulness, of course. Forgetting to return the cup of coffee to the saloon bar when he was finished, and instead leaving it on the table. Forgetting to put his suspenders on and finding himself rushing back to the inn room to get everything sorted through. Forgetting to pack Mr. Carter’s book in his suitcase, which he had left at the previous inn. Forgetting to brush his hair, and forgetting to tell Ethan something he had once considered important. Little things. Trivial moments of history that wouldn’t even matter.

But Mark hadn’t even realized he had forgotten to chalk his hands until he found himself on the swing of the trapeze. It was just something that hadn’t crossed his mind when he had leapt onto the bar, preparing himself in catching position. His heart skipped a beat in his chest as he noticed Ethan watching him swing back and forth, hardly realized the mistake that the older man had made. Mark knew well enough that he could leap back from the swing, like he did at the end of the performance, and quickly chalk his hands up…but that would only lead to him being reprimanded by Mr. Carter. The older man had noticed the young brunette chalking up his own hands only seconds beforehand…surely both of their hands didn’t need the same grip. After all, the bars were barely applied with enough chalk to make a difference…surely the lack of chalk on his hands wouldn’t diminish the friction between their hands. In fact, Mark was sure that the two of them would laugh about the matter when they were finished with their routine, where the older man would mention how he had simply forgotten, but they had pushed through nevertheless. That would receive praise from the audience, he was sure of it. So, Mark said nothing, although the same dreading feeling continued to churn relentlessly in his gut, a wave of discomfort washing over him as he didn’t take his eyes off of his lover. Ethan had positioned himself at the edge of the platform eagerly, prepared leap from his position once he had timed it perfectly.

Mark swallowed thickly as he watched Ethan leap from where he was, swinging forward. The older man kept his arms outstretched regardless, holding his breath tightly in his throat as he watched his lover. Part of him was dreading this moment, while the other part of him was trying to reassure himself that everything was going to be alright. They had performed relentlessly for the past three months, never faltering in their routine for even a second. They knew everything by heart; there was no reason to worry. The older man steadied himself as the younger leaped from his bar, performing that same flip that kicked off the performance. The audience adored it, of course, he could tell by the way he shifted. He watched as his lover’s arms outstretched to him, and Mark gripped at his hands as tight as he could, reassuring himself that everything would be alright. The older man felt his lover’s hands loosen their grip slightly, as they always did, because Ethan trusted that his partner would hold them firmly. The second Mark reached for his hands, he knew that something wasn’t right. It didn’t take a genius to realize that he shouldn’t have been so forgetful. Oh God. Mark let out a heavy breath he didn’t know he was holding as his eyes flooded with panic, the older man squeezing Ethan’s hands firmly just to hold onto them. The audience suspected nothing. Ethan, however, was smart enough to read the room.

“Darling?” Ethan whispered softly, his voice hitching in his throat; it was littered with panic as Mark found Ethan’s hands slipping from his grasp. As soon as their grip faltered, Mark watched as his lover’s eyes filled with a similar panic. The older man took a deep breath, trying to readjust his grip, but he wasn’t quick enough. Within the next second, Mark watched helplessly as the younger man’s hands slipped out of his, his body tensing up as he fell. The older man felt the dread overtake his body, a sickening feeling washing over him as he tried to reach out again and grab Ethan, but he was too late. By then, the man was swinging back and Ethan was plummeting down. The audience gasped. Mark could do nothing but watch from fifty feet in the air, his heart shattering as he watched his lover crumble to the ground, his body limp upon impact. And, for a few seconds, the arena was silent. Not even a few seconds…maybe just the slightest millisecond. And then…the crowd gasped. Sean screamed. Natalie Marie shouted to Mark…and Mark _wailed_.

“Ethan!” He sobbed, his heart in his throat as he repositioned himself on the bar, lifting himself into a sitting position. He could feel his heartbeat in his ear and against his throat as he leaped back onto his platform, the sickening feeling returning. Mark glanced back over his shoulder to the platform across the way, where Sean was already starting his way down the ladder to rush to his friend’s aid. The older man could hardly think straight as he gripped the fence of the platform tightly, forcing himself to not topple over the edge. He let out a choked breath, pushing everything aside as he worked on starting down the ladder. Mark could feel tears pooling in his eyes, but he blinked them away. His heart raced in his chest mercilessly, his palms growing sweaty as he climbed down. He could hear the shrieks from the audience, a few of them screaming bloody murder. Over the screams, Mark could make out the sound of Mr. Carter calling desperately for a doctor…for _anyone_ who could help. Mark skipped the last three rungs, his heart in his throat as he forced himself away from the ladder, racing over to his lover. His heart shattered in his chest at the sight of his partner, laying there limp on the ground. _He’s dead_ , Mark thought to himself weakly. _He’s dead, and I killed him_.

“Ethan!” Mark choked out again, falling down onto his knees beside his lover. He forced in a shaky breath, trying to find the will to even _breathe_ anymore as he pulled the younger man into his arms, brushing the hair out of his lover’s face. “Oh my God, Ethan, _oh my God_.” The older man felt his eyes welling with tears again, but he didn’t bother to stop them as he looked down at the younger male. Ethan lay there, his head tossed back limply. Sean rushed over to his side, falling beside Mark as he rested a hand on his shoulder. The Irish man was crying too, his grip tightening on Mark’s shoulder as he looked down at the young man who lay so limp in his arms. Sean leaned down carefully, his breath shaky as he pressed his cheek gently against Ethan’s chest, remaining still for a few seconds before letting out a choked sob.

“He’s alive,” Sean choked out finally. Mark cried harder as he held Ethan close, tears streaming down the side of his face, stinking his eyes and making his cheeks swollen. “I don’t know how he’s alive…but he is. His har-heart was beating, I heard it. He’s bruh-breathing.” The older man didn’t even know what to say as he just _sobbed._ The fact that Ethan wasn’t conscience frightened him. God, what if he never woke up? What if he just stayed like this forever…and the last words that he ever said were so loving yet so _panicked_? Mark had _dropped_ him. The older man had relentlessly promised his lover that he would never let him fall, but it had happened. It was because he had been _stupid enough_ to let it happen. Mark cupped the left side of Ethan’s face in his hand as he held him, trying to steady his breathing as he cried. _Wake up_ , he pleaded silently. _Wake up_.

“Is he alive?” A man choked out. Mark forced his gaze away from his lover, looking up to see who was talking to him. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, swallowing thickly. This man must have been a doctor. Mark nodded slowly before letting out another choked sob, utterly beside himself that he had allowed this to happen. Just because Ethan was alive now, didn’t mean that he would survive the next hour. The older man didn’t know how the younger had landed…he could have landed on the back of his head first…he wouldn’t live for much longer if that was the case. He hadn’t seen how he had landed; God, if only Mark had been paying more attention. “May I see him?” The man continued, kneeling down beside Ethan. His eyes were gentle and reassuring as he glanced down at Ethan. Mark swallowed thickly, holding his lever in his arms for a few seconds before reluctantly laying him down again, allowing the doctor to get a better look. The man nodded thankfully in return, rolling Ethan carefully onto his side. Mark leaned back onto the palms of his hands, feeling Sean rest a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“I dropped him…” Mark breathed out in disbelief, staring off somewhere in the distance, thoughts flooding his head as he tried to think clearly. “I _promised_ that I wouldn’t drop him…but I couldn’t hold on any longer. He was just slipping. I tried…I tried to catch him.” Sean didn’t say anything as he squeezed Mark’s shoulder reassuringly, although it didn’t quite help in the matter. “What if he dies…?” He questioned softly, his voice getting caught in his throat at the thought of losing everything. Mark could remember so vividly the first time he had kissed Ethan…the first time he had held him in his arms and the first time he had comforted him. He remembered the first time he had slept beside each other, and the first time Ethan let out a choked and desperate ‘I love you’. And Mark had said it back so lovingly and so true and _so sincere_. Was all of that gone? Would Mark find himself sleeping in an empty bed, gripping the covers and curling up next to a pillow? Would he wake up without the loving feeling of Ethan pressed against him, his head on his chest? Would Mark have to go the rest of his life without being able to tell Ethan that he loved him ever again? The older man didn’t know what he would do with himself…what he would do without Ethan’s kisses and loving gaze, and the way he hugged him tightly whenever he knew the older man was upset. Sean gently stood to his feet, rushing over to Natalie Marie once she had finally reached the bottom of the ladder.

“Is Ethan going to die?” Mark choked out, his heart in his throat. The man looked up from Ethan.

“I don’t know,” the man admitted softly, looking down at the younger man. “I can’t feel any signs of fragmentation on his back or spine, meaning he didn’t land on his back. His legs are fractured, most likely beyond repair, but it’s hard to tell. Ethan landed on his feet…if he wasn’t knocked unconscious from fear, the pain was surely enough to cause him to pass out.” Mark finally caught his breath as he nodded steadily. “Even if he did land on his feet, we can’t guarantee that he didn’t hit his head when he toppled over. He could suffer severe brain damage, depending on how he hit it, where he hit it, and how _hard_ he hit it. However, we can’t even determine that Ethan hit it at all. He’s not conscious, which isn’t a good sign as of now…but playing it by ear is the best opportunity. If he landed on his feet, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that your partner will be bedridden…possibly permanently. If he landed on his back, he could be paralyzed. If he landed on his head…he won’t survive past the next few hours, or he will suffer permanent brain damage, which will ultimately end his life short regardless.” Mark shuddered, his eyes starting to well up with tears again. “There’s a medical center fifteen miles from here…I can take him. I don’t have much room in the carriage, since I have my wife and son, but you can join your partner on a later day.”

Mark’s bottom lip quivered. If Ethan died on the trip…he would never see him again. Reluctantly, the older man reached for his lover’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Loving is letting go, treasure,” he whispered softly. Being afraid of himself had caused this. “I’ll see you soon…I promise.” The man straightened up slightly from Mark’s words, his expression plain as he looked at Mark.

“The rumors are true then, I suppose?” The man asked plainly. Mark squeezed his lover’s hand, saying nothing. However, he was sure his expression was enough to give it away to the doctor. “It’s alright, my friend, I wouldn’t tell a soul…not even my wife.” The older man glanced at him, his eyes softening as he gave a watery smile.

“Thank you,” Mark whispered. He swallowed thickly as he gave his lover a final loving gaze before forcing himself away. He took a steady breath, simply praying that Ethan would be in safe hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your support, and thank you for working through the cliffhanger, last chapter. I was eager to start writing this one, and I can't believe this fic is almost over. The next chapter of this fic will do a short little time jump, and is gonna have a bit of angst; be prepared. Three more chapters to go. Can you believe it? 
> 
> Are going to miss this fic too much, or are you excited for Baby of Mine to start?
> 
> Kudos + Comments appreciated.
> 
> Thank you, always,  
> Simply


	31. Spare Me The Humiliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left

Ethan’s eyes fluttered open, his heart sinking in his chest as he remembered. He wasn’t waking up for the first time, of course. He hadn’t woken up from a coma, and he certainly wasn’t expecting the doctors to rush over and exclaim how it was a miracle he was awake. No. The younger man wasn’t just gaining consciousness, either. The young brunette had already been through that process. Ethan had already been through the process of slowly coming too, the lights seemingly blinding him when he finally opened his eyes. It was an awful experience, really. His heart beating heavily in his chest when he realized he was surrounded by people he didn’t know…his legs and the back of his head hurt and ached painfully. The young man’s head didn’t hurt that much anymore, although he could still recall the familiar throbbing sensation he had once been burdened with. Ethan hadn’t really known where he was at the time. Everything was unfamiliar as he finally woke up. He didn’t know where he was, or why he was there, or why his body hurt the way it did. He didn’t understand who the people were, and why they acted so surprised when he finally woke up…almost as if they had expected Ethan to just stay awake forever.

Ethan remembered the first thing he had questioned one of the nurses as they retrieved a damp towel to place on his head, one that had been soaked in warm water. He had asked them where Mark was…where his partner was. He had asked them if he was waiting for him, and whether or not he would be there soon. Ethan asked if Mark was waiting outside, and that if he was tat they should let him in. He asked to see him at least four times during the same sentence, his voice desperate at the thought of being able to see his lover as the nurses gently placed the town on his head, saying nothing more for a few seconds. Finally, however, they did say something. They told Ethan that they didn’t know who Mark was, and that they only knew how Ethan had fallen from a serious height…they had mentioned how he was lucky to be alive. They had stated that a fall like that would normally kill someone, and that everything that was to happen Ethan from that point on was a blessing that shouldn’t be taken from granted. The young brunette had just nodded his head weakly in return, trying to wrap his mind around the burning question of why his lover wasn’t there with him…why he wasn’t waiting outside with open arms to walk into the room and hug him tightly and dearly. Ethan just assumed that the older man was waiting outside the medical center…prepared to be called in when he heard the news that the young man had finally woken up.

That didn’t happen though. Ethan periodically questioned the nurses throughout the day if Mark was there yet. His questions would differ from “Has my partner showed up by any chance?” To “How far is the next town over from here? Maybe he's waiting there.” To even “Can you send Mark in as soon as he gets here?” It was obvious that the nurses were starting to pity the young man the more questioned he asked, so they answered them all gently and willingly, patting his head reassuringly every time he got upset. Every yes or no question would be answered positively, to the point where the young brunette was starting to doubt if they were even telling the truth. The looks of sympathy they had given him were more than enough to get his blood boiling. He knew well enough he was supposed to be grateful to everyone, considering he was alive, but he didn’t want anyone. Ethan wanted Mark. He wanted Mark to was through the door, and he wanted his lover to sit on the edge of the hospital bed and _hold him_. The young brunette was hurting all over. His heart ached longingly for Mark to be beside him…the back of his head would throb occasionally if he sat up too fast, and it would hardly ever go away…and his legs… _shattered_. They didn’t hurt as much anymore, but God…the doctor had told him they were shattered almost beyond repair. He had landed on his feet, after all. His legs had shattered almost all the way up to his hip bone, which had been damaged as well. Ethan cringed just remembering the pain.

Even though he had been knocked unconscious during his fall from fifty feet…he had felt every second of his legs crushing inside of his skin when he hit the ground. There was no way to even describe it…his bones just _snapped_ inside of him. His body gave out almost immediately, crumbling into itself and causing him to tumble over onto his side. Ethan’s head had knocked forcefully against the ground, but the doctor had insisted when he woke up that he wouldn’t suffer brain damage. All the man had said was that his eyes wouldn’t adjust well to light for the next week, and loud noises would be troubling for him. The symptoms had gone away in the first three days, so he supposed he had nothing to fear. The nurses claimed he was lucky that he hadn’t landed on his spine…although his legs currently weren’t working, the nurses said that landing on his back meant that he would have never been able to walk again. Of course, the doctors were currently doubting his abilities to walk again at the moment, but Ethan paid no attention to them. Bones could heal; he would just have to wait. Of course, the young man had already been introduced to a wheelchair, which he wasn’t exactly fond of. The young man didn’t use it often…only when the doctor came in for a lengthened conversation.

Ethan felt so utterly helplessly lying in his bed; it was embarrassing being forced to have a conversation while he was lying down. So, when the doctor came in, the young man would shyly request to be moved to his wheelchair. Awkwardly hooking his arms around the doctor’s shoulder wasn’t the best experience in the world, but he felt more dignified about his situation when he at least had the ability to move around the room, almost as if he was pacing. Controlling a wheelchair wasn’t as hard as he originally imagined. Ethan had gotten quite good at it, although the doctors insisted that he was only allowed to leave his confined medical center room if he had got go to the bathroom…which was a feat of its own. Ethan managed, of course. It was weird not being able to use his legs, of course. Not being able to climb out of bed and walk. He had tried before…he tried as often as he could. He just couldn’t. The pain was unbearable, and he felt as if the muscles of his legs were being clawed up viciously from the inside. So Ethan didn’t…he remained in the hospital bed, feeling utterly helpless as everything was done for him. They brought him books, although he hardly touched them. They brought him food, even though he was never in the mood to eat anything. The nurses would stop by to ask if he was alright, and they would praise him for being so optimistic about his partner.

Ethan talked about Mark sometimes. Once or twice a day, apart from when he was questioning where he was. Simple things, of course. Ethan mentioned a few of the jokes his lover had once told him, and how they would watch the clouds together. He only mentioned the friendly parts, of course…not any of the things that he only longed to do. He often found himself looking down at his legs…he was useless for the time being. The doctor claimed that it could last for months, depending on how long his body healed. Part of Ethan dreaded Mark arriving…God, how could anyone want someone who was incapable of even walking? It wasn’t attractive…it wasn’t sexy. Ethan just felt _helpless_. Helplessly bedridden or wheelchair-ridden. It was an utterly awful feeling that almost made him feel _disgusting_. He didn’t like anything about what had happened to him. Ethan didn’t allow himself to cry, though. He was lucky to be alive, just like everyone kept mentioning. He was lucky to be able to wake up another day…even if it meant waking up without Mark.

The young man would find himself sleeping beside his pillow instead of on top of it, almost as if Mark was beside him…just so he would have something apart from empty sheets to grab onto when he woke up. It was an empty feeling; being without the person you loved. Part of Ethan dreaded that the reason Mark wasn’t there…was because he knew he wouldn’t want him anymore if he couldn’t walk. It was a stupid thing to think, really, and the young man knew it well enough; he just couldn’t help but think about it, though. What if he would spend the rest of the months just waiting for his lover to return…and Mark moved on instead? The young brunette knew well enough the older man could find anyone he wanted looking like that…he didn’t need Ethan if the man couldn’t even stand up to give him a hug. That was one of the only times that Ethan found himself at the brink of tears…when he imagined Mark loving someone else. Not even the pain of his legs was enough to bring the young brunette to tears…only imagining Mark sleeping beside someone else; someone else resting their head on his chest, and someone else peppering his neck with kisses. It was enough to make Ethan furious, and he just wanted to _kick_ something, but he couldn’t. All he could do was lay there. He couldn’t even roll onto his stomach to hide his face in his pillow. _Pathetic_. That was the only word Ethan could find to describe himself. Simply, utterly, and _entirely_ pathetic.

Six days had passed since he had first arrived at the medical center. Six excruciating days of almost nothing, apart from occasionally picking up the book, although he made no attempts of reading it. There was no point in trying to read through something when he was hardly being encouraged. He supposed the doctors would just take him as someone who didn’t appreciate, literature of course. Ethan didn’t care what they thought of him. The young brunette didn’t care if they thought of him as just a cripple…all he wanted was Mark, goddamnit. He knew he wouldn’t be able to wake up beside him for a while…but he would take what he could get. Being held was all he wanted. Someone to whisper to him gently that everything would be okay was all he _needed_ …and he needed it from Mark. But the older man wasn’t there…and Ethan was starting to think that he wouldn’t actually show up. So, the young man lay there as he always did, in his hospital bed with the covers pulled up to his shoulder. He wasn’t comfortable on his back, but having to hoist himself over onto his side was a process…so he supposed he would stay like that for the time being. Ethan glanced over his right shoulder at the book resting on the table beside him. Maybe he would actually try giving it a shot. It was an idea that he was entirely fond of, considering there would be no one there to encourage him when he fumbled over the words, but he supposed it was better than nothing. Ultimately, however, the young man decided to simply do what he always did; stare up at the ceiling, and start to dread the fact that he had survived the fall. Maybe things would be better off for him if he had just leaned back and let his head hit the ground first. Maybe all the pain would have gone away…and he would be content; instead of just seemingly rotting away in a confined room, only truly feeling _decently_ free when he was in his wheelchair.

Ethan lay beside his pillow, his right arm hooked underneath it and his left wrapped around it as he gently pressed his cheek inside the side of it. He let out a shaky breath. Tomorrow would mark an entire week in which he had gone without seeing his lover. It pained him to even think about it like that; his eyes started to well with tears. The young brunette felt empty. His heart, his soul, his mind, his body, his _bed_. Empty. There was always the voice in the back of his mind insisting that _maybe_ , just maybe…if he rolled off the bed the right way…everything would be over. He could hit his head on the floor and that would be the end of that. It sure felt better than wasting away in a bed. Ethan had lived for the trapeze. He had lived for that familiar feeling of flying through the air, feeling as if he would never touch the ground as he reached for his lover’s hands. Well, sure enough, he supposed that feeling had to end somehow…and it ended when he _touched the ground_. Falling. Hurtling. Plummeting. He didn’t blame anyone for anything, though. He didn’t blame Mark. He didn’t blame himself. It happened. Ethan was over it…although he wasn’t exactly over what it had done to him.

“Mr. Nestor?” A voice asked sweetly from the doorway. The younger brunette let out a soft sigh through his nose, glancing over at the door to see who it was. He wasn’t surprised when he noticed one of the nurses hesitantly peeking her head into the doorway, almost as if she was feared to be caught in the room. Once she noticed that the man was awake, she put on a smile that matched her voice as she stepped into the room, revealing the tray she was carrying. A simple breakfast, as usual. Cheap coffee and a piece of toast. “Glad to see you’re awake,” she mentioned softly. Alice was her name. “I brought you’d breakfast. I can just leave it on the table, if you’d like. I know you don’t prefer having breakfast in the morning, but you know how Mr. Clark is by now. Stubborn as a mule, really. If I didn’t give you your breakfast, he’d kick me out.” The young brunette couldn’t help but smile as he propped himself up on his elbows, gesturing from Alice to put the tray on the table. “Try to take a few bites of it for me, will you Mr. Nestor?” Alice asked softly. “Mr. Clark would really prefer if I got you to eating.”

“I’m not really a breakfast person,” Ethan mentioned weakly, pulling himself up into a sitting position. “I used to drink coffee with my partner in the saloon towns, though. Did I tell you that?”

“No, Mr. Nestor,” Alice replied gently. She reached for the cup of coffee, holding it tenderly in her hands before pass it to Ethan. The young brunette grabbed it gratefully, giving a small nod of thanks in return as she watched the blonde woman wipe her hands on her apron. “Rebecca mentioned something about you liking coffee, though. You must have told _her_.” She adjusted bonnet, smiling softly. “Did you sleep well?”

Ethan took a small sip of coffee. The question reminded him of Mark…it was always something the older man would ask him. “I slept as well as I could,” he admitted in return, rolling his neck slightly and listening to his joints pop. “It does get awfully cold in here, I must add, but I didn’t mind it too much.” He smiled. “How about you?” 

Alice looked at him strangely, although she smiled. “No one’s really asked me that before,” she mentioned, thinking for a few seconds. “I suppose the same as you. As well as I could. There are other patients here, though, I suppose. A poor fellow has tuberculosis a few rooms down…coughing his lungs out. I feel bad for him, I really do. He’s sweating something awful. Rebecca and I take shifts with a cold towel.” Ethan nodded in understanding. He remembered how the doctors had done that for his mother when she was dying. “People don’t get much sleep around here, apart from the patients.” She paused. “Are your legs feeling any better?”

“Still hurts to move them,” Ethan replied softly. “They’re shattered.”

“You’re very lucky to be alive, Mr, Nestor,” Alice mentioned thoughtfully.

“Well, I’m not lucky enough to be able to walk,” Ethan returned miserably. “It’s awful, Ms. Alice. I can’t even go to the goddamn bathroom by myself without requesting for someone to lift me into my wheelchair…and I can’t even get into my wheelchair without being picked up like some infant. It’s degrading, Ms. Alice. It really is. I would have rather I just landed on my head.”

“That’s blasphemous, Mr. Nestor,” Alice returned seriously. “Sinful.”

“Well, I am sinful,” Ethan replied, his voice just as serious as hers.

“You don’t mean that,” the woman replied simply, watching as the young brunette took another sip of his coffee. The man said nothing as he sat in his bed. “Look, Mr. Nestor, the doctors really do think you have a chance at walking again. The more you get used to laying in bed and letting your legs rest, the easier the healing process will be. God works in mysterious ways, Mr. Nestor.” Ethan paid no attention to the talk of religion. If God worked in mysterious ways, he wouldn’t have fallen. “You just have to trust that you’ll be alright.” She smiled softly, patting Ethan’s cheek. “There’s someone here to see you,” she mentioned thoughtfully, biting her lip through a smile. Ethan sat up slightly, now intrigued by what the blonde woman had to say. “We thought that it would be best we get some food in you before he let him in…all you’ve been doing is talking about him for the past week. We knew you would be too excited to even drink anything.” Ethan’s eyes lit up as he eagerly rested his cup of coffee on the side table.

“Is it Mark?” He questioned eagerly, his heart skipping a beat in his chest. God, he would have thought the man would never show up. That he would just spend every day in the hospital before being released…and he would never hear of the older man again. It was a foolish thing to think, really, but he could hardly help himself. Ethan had found it early impossible to be optimistic after the accident…how _could_ he been cheerful when he was bedridden. Nevertheless, his eyes lit up with excitement. God, he wanted to leap out of bed and rush to the door. He wanted to run through the medical center until he found Mark, and then he wanted to leap into his arms, hooking his own around his lover’s shoulders and hold on for dear life. But he couldn’t do that. His legs didn’t work. “Is it my partner, Alice?” Ethan asked again, this time more insistent that the first. He felt his hand tightening around the sheets as he gripped them firmly. Alice smiled as she nodded. “Where…where is he?” Ethan questioned hopefully, looking to the doorway and not seeing anyone there. “Is he here _now_? Is he waiting outside the door? Outside the medical center? Did you allow him in? Did he say he missed me?”

Alice simply chuckled in return. “He’s waiting outside with Mr. Clark,” she assured her patient, smiling softly before straightening her apron, tucking a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. “So, to answer your question in simple terms… _yes_.” Ethan couldn’t help but giggle breathlessly, all of his doubtful and dreadful feelings and emotions seemingly melting away. “It’s nice to see you smile once in a while, Mr. Nestor,” Alice continued softly. The young man returned a shy expression. He supposed it was the truth. After all, most days he was being reminded that his legs were _still_ completely fractured, and that they still weren’t sure if he was suffering head trauma. He didn’t think about that, though. He only thought about Mark. Just being without him for a week was enough to drive him insane. It was the little things throughout the day that he depended on…the gentle kisses and the soft words of encouragement….the sincerely affectionate gazes and the feeling of Mark gently pressing his shoulder against his. God, it meant the absolute world to him. “I’ll tell Mr. Clark that you’re ready to see your partner,” Alice hummed, although she glanced back at the tray of food. “Maybe Mr. Fischbach can get you to eat your food,” she joked. Ethan smiled, watching as she walked to the doorway again, her skirt just slightly brushing against the ground as she walked.

Ethan sat up in the hospital bed as he watched Mr. Clark appear in the doorway, looking at someone who was standing in the hallway, out of view for the young brunette who waited patiently. The doctor gestured his hand into the room, almost as if to say that it was alright to step inside. The young brunette gripped the sheets tightly as he watched a man appear around the corner, his eyes focusing into the room as he stood in the doorway. _Mark_. The older man looked at him, his eyes widening slightly. The young man knew well enough that his lover would have to adjust to the thought of him in a hospital bed, but he could already see his partner’s eyes softening by the second. Ethan smiled, appreciating how Mark had the decency to come in a suit and bowler hat. The man stood there for a few seconds, almost as if he was in awe of the fact that Ethan was even alive. The young brunette wouldn’t have been surprised if that was the case, considering the height that he fell from. Slowly, Mark took off his hat, swallowing thickly as he looked for the right words to say.

“Mr. Clark…Ms. Alice,” he started slowly, his voice hesitant as he glanced to the doctor and nurse, loosely holding his hat in his right hand. “I would sincerely appreciate it if I’m allowed to have a few minutes alone with my partner…if that’s alright with you.” Mr. Clark smiled, giving a simple nod along with the nurse. “Thank you. It shouldn’t be long.” The older man smiled as he stepped into the room, breathing steadily as he slowly closed the door behind him, a heavy breath releasing from his chest. Mark glanced back at him, his eyes filled with a deep affection before he dropped his hat to the ground, making quick work of walking over to the hospital bed.

“Mark…” Ethan breathed out lovingly, opening his arms before he found himself being wrapped in a hug. The young man sighed contently against his lover’s shoulders, drawing him closer as he hooked his arms gently around his neck. “Goodness, I’ve missed you…” he whispered softly, his voice sincere as he felt the older man hugging him tighter, not yet saying anything. The young brunette pressed his nose gently against his lover’s neck, letting out another content sigh from just how _close_ Mark was to him. God, he could cherish this feeling for the rest of his life. He had been practically touch-starved for almost a week. He had gone without kisses, and hugs, and even the gentle touch of Mark’s hand on his shoulder. “I thought you would have never showed up…” Ethan continued, his voice just as soft as before as he spoke shakily. “I thought that you would have found someone else and you would have forgotten about me…I know it’s only been a week since I’ve last seen you, but I didn’t know _what_ to think. No one had heard from you or knew where you were, and so many people didn’t even know _who_ you were. It would have been so entirely impossible…” Ethan hugged him tighter. “But you’re here now,” he said finally, almost as if he was reminding himself.

“Of course I’m here, treasure,” Mark whispered in return, his voice gentle and loving. It was more than enough to mend Ethan’s heart. “For four days, I thought I _lost you_.” The older man’s voice broke as he pulled away from his lover, looking down at him with softened eyes. “Nobody had heard from the man who helped you here…I thought you didn’t make the trip. I thought…I thought you died.” Ethan’s eyes filled with realization as he looked up at Mark weakly. The older man reached down, cupping the left side of Ethan’s face in his hands, his eyes filled with the purest form of affection the young man had ever seen. He leaned down, cupping Ethan’s face in his hands as he kissed him slowly. The young brunette’s eyes watered happily as he allowed them to flutter shut, his arms instinctively wrapping loosely around his lover’s shoulders again. Ethan could feel a few tears running down the side of his face, but he ignored them as he continued to kiss his partner lovingly, his heart fluttering in his chest for the first time in a week. Mark rested his hand on his partner’s chest gently, Ethan letting out a soft noise into the kiss. God, he loved him.

“I love you so much…” Ethan breathed out, catching his breath before their lips were attached once again. He could feel his lover smiling into the kiss before the older man slowly pulled away, their gaze meeting. God, the young brunette could get lost in his partner’s dark eyes if he looked into them long enough. 

“I love you too, treasure,” Mark whispered. He reached down for his lover’s hand, the two intertwining their fingers and returning a gentle, affectionate squeeze of their hand. “God, I have so much to tell you…about _everything_.” Ethan giggled breathlessly. He had all the time in the world of course. Mark stood up, humming softly as he corrected his posture. “Mr. Carter is thinking of getting horses for the performance, which is as absurd as it sounds. Jack and Minnie are still going strong, despite the fact that she’s an awful, and-”

Ethan giggled. “Wait, wait, wait,” he said quickly, smiling up at his lover. “As much as I love being able to lay down and let you talk to me like you are right now, I would much rather be able to be _mobile_.” He smiled, opening his arms contently for Mark to help him up. The older man looked at him with confusion for a few seconds. “God, you’re as thick as they get, Mr. Fischbach,” Ethan continued jokingly, giving his lover a sardonic look. “Can you help me into my wheelchair?” He smiled sweetly up at the older man, glancing at his wheelchair near the far end of the room. Mark’s face dropped within the second, his eyes growing confused as he glanced over his right shoulder, following Ethan’s gaze. The older man’s mouth opened weakly, a soft sputtering noise coming out. Ethan felt a feeling of dread wash over him. “They didn’t tell you…” he breathed out weakly.

Mark fixed his attention back to Ethan, his eyes watering as he gazed down at his lover. The younger man looked back at him weakly. “Mark…it’s not your fault,” he whispered softly, his voice getting caught in his throat. Ethan bit his lip hesitantly, not even knowing what he was supposed to say. He watched helplessly as Mark’s face crumbled, his eyes welling with tears as he lowered into a kneeling position by Ethan’s hospital bed, burying his face into the blankets that draped over his lover’s torso. The young brunette’s shoulders drooped slightly as he hesitantly reached down, running a calming hand through his partner’s hair as he listened to him cry. The only thing the older man was feeling was guilt as he gripped the blankets tighter, his shoulders shuddering as he sobbed into the cheap cloth. “Mark…” Ethan breathed out softly, gently stroking his back with the palm of his hand in attempts to calm his lover down, but the older man persisted. Ethan laid his head back hesitantly, his heart aching at the sound of his partner’s sobs filling the room, occasionally getting louder as he gripped the blankets tighter, balling them up into his fist. The young man wore the same weak expression in his eyes. 

“I druh-dropped you,” Mark choked out, his voice shaking as he just barely picked his face up enough from the blankets. “I didn’t chuh-chalk my hands…and I _dropped you_.” The older man breathed in shakily before he glanced at Ethan. The older man looked angry, his eyes filled with tears of frustration, his face red and his eyes swollen. “And now you can’t even…” his voice trailed off before he let out a wail of frustration, dropping his head back to the blankets. The younger man’s heart dropped in his chest.

“The doctors say I might be able to walk when my legs heal,” Ethan mentioned hopefully, biting his lower lip as Mark didn’t say anything. His sobs had died down, sure enough. “This was part of the risk, darling…we both made our beds the day we signed the contract. Now…I have to lay in mine.” He sniffled weakly as he glanced at his wheelchair. “So _please_ …let me get just an ounce of dignity…I’m tired of being degraded by nurses and seen as just a cripple. Am I more than that to you?”

Mark looked up at him weakly, his eyes puffy. He looked down at his hands before giving a small nod. “Of…of course you’re more than that,” he managed his voice sore he cleared his throat. Ethan gave a weak, sad smile. “I love you so much, Ethan…” his voice was in a soft whisper as he slowly leaned over to his love, gently pressing their foreheads together. The younger male let out a soft sigh, pressing a gentle kiss against his partner’s lips. “And I’m so suh-sorry that….that all of this happened,” Mark managed, taking a steady breath. “You’re so much more than what anyone says you are…do you understand that?” Ethan gently reached his hand up, holding the left side of Mark’s face, smiling when he felt the older man lean into his touch. 

“Then spare me humiliation,” Ethan whispered softly, his voice reassuring. He reached his arms up gently, batting his eyelashes playfully. “Afraid you can’t pick me up, Mr. Fischbach?” The older man couldn’t help but chuckle softly, shaking his head and giving a playful roll of his eyes as he leaned down, allowing the young brunette to wrap his arms around his shoulders. “At least my arms still work,” Ethan mentioned softly, pressing his forehead gently against his lover’s shoulder as he felt himself being lifted carefully from the hospital bed. He felt Mark hesitantly place his hands underneath Ethan’s legs. The younger man made sure to lift his weight up slightly, just so there wouldn’t be as much pressure applied. “Thank you…” he whispered softly, glancing up at Mark gently.

“Just doing what you asked me to,” Mark replied softly. Ethan shook his head.

“No,” Ethan said softly. “You’re not mad at yourself anymore…because you realize that none of this makes a difference.” Mark smiled softly as he held him in his arms, the young man pressing his nose gently against his lover’s neck. “You and I _both_ know well enough that not being able to walk doesn’t make a difference to me…and if it doesn’t make a difference to me, then surely you won’t mind.” Mark sucked in a soft breath before hesitantly nodding his head. He carried his lover gently over to his wheelchair, shifting slightly. Ethan loosened his grip on his lover’s neck as he was lowered into the seat. The young man gave a proud smile up at his lover. The young man thought for a few seconds, looking down at his legs. “I suppose being in a wheelchair isn’t exactly attractive,” Ethan mentioned softly, his voice shaking before his eyes met Mark’s again. “But I hope you can get used to it…even if it’s just for a little bit.”

Mark’s eyes welled up with tears as he looked down at Ethan. The young man’s heart sunk in his chest for a few seconds, truly believing that his lover just didn’t appreciate the sight of him…but that wasn’t it. The older man chuckled softly, a visible smile on his face as he shook his head. “You’re just as beautiful as you were a week ago…as you were when you were walking beside me,” he stated clearly, carefully kneeling down in front of his lover, so they were finally face to face. It made the young brunette feel less vulnerable when he was level with someone. “I’ve _never_ seen someone has stunning as you before in my entire life…and I’m never going to let you forget that, Mr. Nestor. Wheelchair or not…the ability to walk or not…I still love you. I’m not just going to stop loving you.” Ethan blushed shyly, looking down at his hands for a few seconds. “Your trapeze days aren’t over, Ethan…” the older man continued reassuringly. “You’ll get back up there.”

“I can’t even stand up without falling over,” Ethan returned softly, his voice pained.

“You’ll learn,” Mark insisted softly. “And I’m going to be with you every step of the way…and I’m _never_ going to allow this to happen to you again. If you ever plummet again…I’m letting go with you.” Ethan’s eyes watered happily, now the same as his lover’s, as they just gazed at each other. The younger man rested his hands on the wheels of his wheelchair, gently pushing himself forward and holding Mark’s face carefully in his hands. The older man smiled softly, tears streaming together as he pressed his lips against Ethan. The two kissed each other tenderly; their hearts beating together, their lungs breathing together, and their bodies shuddering together as they cried into each other’s touch. But they were happy. So _undeniably_ happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think of today's chapter?  
> I posted two chapters today, and in a bittersweet statement, I am proud to announce there is only one chapter left. There was originally supposed to be two...until I saw someone's comment and I just felt so BAD about how the book was originally going to end that I just HAD to have it be turned into one.
> 
> The next chapter will be the FINAL chapter of "Fifty Feet in the Air". It might take a little while to be released, because the first chapter of "Baby of Mine" is being dropped at the same time as the ending chapter. Part of me is SOOOO sad knowing "Fifty Feet in the Air" is over...but maybe there could be a sequel. Is that something you guys would be interested in? I just love the dynamic of everything, as well as the relationship the two of them share. I will forever stan Circus Ethan and Mark. Always always always. It makes me soooo sad knowing it's over, omfg.
> 
> Ethan falling from fifty feet in the air was something that had been planned since the first chapter, but the final chapter was going to be something different. Mr. Carter was going to find out about their homosexual relationship, forcing the two to abandon the circus during the middle of the night. Ethan would be unable to walk properly, so Mark would have carried him and Sean would have carried their bags. It would have ended by Mark and Ethan wishing Sean well, where Sean told them that his place was in the circus.  
> Well, fuck that, because that ending makes me SAD. I want an ending that isn't sad at all.
> 
> Anyway  
> Thank you guys for all your support! From long comments of appreciation, kudos, user subscriptions, to even fanart...you guys are amazing. Stay awesome!
> 
> Thank you,  
> Simply!!


	32. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter is here.

“It would be much faster if you carried me,” Ethan mentioned teasingly, watching as the older man made a point of walking at the younger’s pace. Mark chuckled softly, shaking his head in return. The young brunette couldn’t help but smile from how thoughtful his lover was. Most of the other ensemble members would always walk ahead of him, although they knew well enough that moving wasn’t exactly the young brunette’s strongest point. Mark always walked beside him though…he was Ethan’s shoulder to lean on, which would occur more often than not, considering Ethan was somewhat new to the experience. Not walking simply, of course…walking after six months of being ridden in a wheelchair, being either pushed around by his lover or moving with his arms. He supposed that would help him with his grip, of course, so Ethan could never complain about it. As one of his nurses had always mentioned…he was lucky to be alive. Even if that meant going without the use of his legs for so long, which only seemed to burden the entire circus as the trapeze routine was cut entirely until Ethan could quite literally manage to get back onto his feet. Mr. Carter had been patient with them though…and, of course, it always helped that he didn’t suspect a thing between the two of them. Always helpful indeed.

“I suppose so, Mr. Nestor,” Mark replied thoughtfully, as if he was pondering the statement as he glanced to his lover, who walked shakily beside him. “But, if you didn’t already notice, I’ve been carrying you around for what appears to be the last six months. Into your wheelchair, out of your wheelchair, into bed, into a bath, onto the cot, into a carriage. Into boxcars and into seats. Believe me, Mr. Nestor, surely one could agree that both of us have grown tired of me carrying you around everywhere.” Ethan giggled breathlessly as he walked beside his lover, gripping his cane tightly as he went. “Besides,” Mark continued thoughtfully, chuckling softly as he thought, “you need your practice anyway. I would hate to be the reason for you never adjusting to walking again, all because I spoiled you rotten by carrying you around.” Ethan leaned on Mark’s shoulder gently nevertheless, receiving a loving gaze in return. “You’re doing great, treasure,” the older man mentioned sincerely, a sense of pride in his voice, even though he wasn’t the one who had gotten out of a wheelchair and had started walking around. Just knowing that Mark was proud of him was more than enough to make the young brunette content, of course. It was enough to make his soul happy…and God, that was all he ever needed.

“Thank you, darling,” Ethan replied softly, biting his lip as he continued to walk steadily. He grinned happily, his grip on the cane loosening as he continued walking across the field with his lover. “You know, pretty soon, I don’t think I’m going to even need this stupid cane anymore,” the young man mentioned, his heart skipping happily in his chest. “And after that…I’ll be able to walk across the field, all on my own; and then I’ll be able to run…full speed. I’ll be able to race you again, darling…just like we used to.” He smiled softly from the memory, a small fragment of time that he had forgotten about until that point. Ethan had never felt the need to cherish such a moment before…until now. He hummed thoughtfully under his breath, taking a soft breath as they finally made it to a clearing in the field. “God, I can’t wait until I can walk on my own…all of this will be so much easier.”

“That would be a reason to celebrate,” Mark mentioned teasingly. Ethan rolled his eyes playfully, gently allowing his cane to drop as he steadily held himself up. He let out a soft breath, slowly bending his knees and leaning back on his back palms. Ethan allowed himself to let out a content sigh. Everyone else was still in their tents…but he and Mark were laying underneath the stars. The older man lay on his back, relaxing as the blades of grass parted underneath him. Ethan shifted over, curling up beside him and resting a gentle hand on his chest. “Think we’ll see any shooting stars tonight?” Mark questioned thoughtfully. The young man giggled before he shook his head. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen a shooting star, and surely this night wasn’t any more special than the other ones that had come before. “Well, maybe one of these days,” he continued, wrapping an arm around his lover’s shoulder and pulling him close. Ethan pressed a gentle kiss against his lover’s neck, smiling softly.

“I love you…” Ethan whispered softly, his voice soft.

“I love you too, treasure…” Mark returned, his voice equally as light and airy as his lover’s. 

Ethan peppered soft kisses against his lover’s neck, giggling softly as he felt the older man run a gentle hand through his hair. “You know,” Ethan mentioned softly, gingerly nudging his nose against his lover’s neck. “In another life, we would be able to get married…and I would be able to love you like this whenever I wanted.” Mark smiled at the thought. “In another life, we wouldn’t have to live in the shadows.”

Mark smiled, taking the blanket he was holding and gently draping it over him. “Well, you can dream of your perfect life whenever you want,” the older man mentioned, hooking his arms around his lover’s waist as he held him close, the older man’s chest pressing against his lover’s back. “But I’m perfectly content with the life I have now…and I wouldn’t trade being able to hold you like this for anything in the world.” Ethan smiled. “I don’t need the stars to tell me what my destiny is anymore, treasure…because I know well enough my destiny is to be with you.” Ethan’s eyes welled up with tears as he pressed back into him. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Ethan breathed out softly.

“I love you most….”

Ethan and Mark laid underneath the stars together. Their hearts beating together and their souls becoming one as they simply watched the stars overhead, no longer searching for something that was foreign. They had found each other….they had completed each other…and now the only thing on their minds was loving each other for as long as they lived. Ethan had once adored the feeling of being fifty feet in the air…but he loved the feeling of being on top of the world much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today marks the end of the fic that was started less than a month ago. To everyone who has been here since the beginning: thank you. To newcomers who are reading this message a few days from now, or a week from now: thank you, too. 
> 
> I thank each and every one of you for the kudos, comments, bookmarks, user subscriptions, and fanart that I have received over this past month. I think this chapter will be the one that pushes us over 4000 hits, so I thank you for that too.
> 
> “Fifty Feet in the Air” was my first fic. It surpassed 130,000 words, and for that I am incredibly and undeniably happy. I wish the story didn’t have to end, but it couldn’t drag on forever.
> 
> “Baby of Mine” follows it, and “Harbor” follows after. What comes next? I don’t know yet. Possibly a sequel? Maybe a new fic entirely. All I know is that Fifty Feet in the Air was one of the best experiences for me as an author, and I’m so proud of how all of this ended.
> 
> Thank you all so much for the love, appreciation, encouragement, and support that you have given over the past month. Your comments are the reason I write, and I love knowing that this fic made so many people happy. I would love to do a sequel, although I don’t have any ideas for one (if you have any ideas for it, that would be helpful, lol)
> 
> Now, it’s time for “Baby of Mine” to join the ‘Current Works’ section of my profile. Ethan and Mark’s trapeze story will live on in our hearts, and I *will* try my *absolute hardest* to get a sequel out. 
> 
> Until then, my writing for “Baby of Mine” begins, as well as my research for the upcoming Revolutionary War AU. God…the research that one’s going to have.
> 
> Thank you all for your support! If you haven’t already throughout these thirty-two chapters, I suggest leaving a quick Kudos. Kudos + Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for sharing this journey with me, one that is hardly over as I start the beginning of a new fic. Stick around for a little bit.
> 
> Sincerely,  
> Simply
> 
> __________
> 
> Check out [Baby of Mine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507577/chapters/59160811) to continue reading my works!


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